The Simpsons

[Chorus] ## The Simpsons ## [Bell Ringing] [Whistle Blowing] [ Beeping ] [Jazzy Solo ] [ Beeping ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] [Announcer] Products you could only imagine before-- - the S. S. Microwave. - [ Dings ] Ah, my crêpes are done. The Doggie Doorman. Good evening, Rex. - And Mobilier-- the chandelier for your car. - [ Grunts ] Whoa! All on I Can't Believe They Invented It! Hello, everybody. I'm Troy McClure star of such films as "P" Is For Psycho and The President's Neck Is Missing. But now I'm here to tell you about a remarkable new invention. [ Grunting ] Until now, this was the only way to get juice from an orange. [ Grunting, Gasps ] You mean there's a better way? But that's all changed-- thanks to the Juice Loosener. Let's meet the inventor, Dr. Nick Riviera. Hello, Troy. Hi, everybody. Hi, Dr. Nick! Troy, would you like a glass of orange juice? I sure would. But won't we have to pay those outrageous grocery-store prices for something the farmer probably spit in? Not anymore! All thanks to the new Juice Loosener. [Applause] - [ Whirring Loudly] - Doctor, are you sure it's on? I can't hear a thing. It's whisper quiet! You got all that from one bag of oranges? That's right. Order now and you'll also get Sun 'n' Run the suntan lotion that's also a laxative. Gotta get a juicer. Gotta drink juice. Lose weight. - Won't get chest pains from answering the phone anymore. - [ Line Ringing ] Please don't tell the supervisor I have the flu. I've been working with a shattered pelvis for three weeks. [ Both Laughing ] - [ Audible Laughter Stops ] - [ Coughing ] Oh, my Juice Loosener's never gonna come. - Hey, Dad, this came for you in the mail. - Whoo-hoo! [ Screams ] Mother, get an extra-special hug ready. I bought you a new juicer. [ Gasps ] Good Lord. Flu germs entering every orifice in my head. Uhh. - Happy birthday. - Happy birthday. [ Both Scream ] [ Bell Dings ] [ Humming ] Huh? What the-- [ Screams ] The dreaded Osaka flu has hit Springfield with over 300 cases now reported. Now over to Arnie Pie with "Arnie in the Sky. " Route 401 is going around and around and around and around and around. And look out at the corner of 12th and Main because I'm gonna be sick. Whoop. Okay, Mr. Sun, gimme what you got. [ Screaming ] or you'll miss your bus. Maybe you better take that temperature one more time. Sarge, we keep getting orders to let the virus win. Must be a school day. Lay down your arms. All right! Let's make some pus. - [ Chuckling ] - [TV Clicks On] [ Grunts ] [ Grunting, Screams ] [ Sighs ] [ Laughing, Coughing ] And now, for an emergency announcement from the mayor. People of Springfield, because of the epidemic I have canceled my vacation to the Bahamas. I shall not leave the city-- - Hey, you, get that steel drum out of the, uh, mayor's office. - Sorry, "mon. " Smithers, this plague doesn't scare me. I've constructed a germfree chamber for myself. Not a single microbe can get in or out. - Who the devil are you? - [ Thinking ] Don't panic. just come up with a good story. My name is Mr. Burns. D'oh! [ Chanting ] We need a cure! We need a cure! [ Chuckling ] Why, the only cure is bed rest. Anything I give you would only be a placebo. - Where do we get these placebos? - Maybe there's some in this truck! [ Bees Buzzing ] I'm cured. I mean, ouch! Dad, Todd's speaking in tongues! [ Speaking Gibberish ] I wish he were, Rod. I pray for the day but I'm afraid he's just delirious from fever. Oh, Neddy, why has God forsaken us? I can't imagine what we could have done to-- Oh. [ Gasps ] Oh, no! Hey, Peg, you gotta take better care of the house. These plants are all lifeless and limp. Maybe they'd feel more at home in the bedroom, Al. [Audience Cheering] - [ Laughing ] - [Thunderclap] Uh-oh. Oh, the network slogan is true. Watch Fox and be damned for all eternity. [Lisa] Mom, can you bring me more O. J. ? [Bart]Can you get me some of those Flintstones chewable morphine? - There's no such thing. - [Homer]Marge, the boy's wasting valuable time. Come change the channel and pat my head. - In a minute. - But I'll miss Sheriff Lobo. And get me a bottle of bourbon. Grampa, you know you can't have liquids after 3:00 p. m. You can stir it into my mush. Either way, just gimme, gimme, gimme! - [Lisa]Mom, I need more O. J. - [Bart]Flintstones chewable morphine. - [Homer]I'll miss Sheriff Lobo. - Mom, I need more O. J. - Flintstones chewable morphine. - I'll miss Sheriff Lobo. - O. J. - Morphine. - Lobo. - O. J. - Morphine. - Lobo. And a bottle of aspirin, please. The aspirin is 24. 95. I lowered the price because an escaped mental patient tampered with the bottle. [ Groans ] - [Alarm Blaring] - [ Gasps ] Hmm? Oh, dear. The alarm must be broken. If you could just move a bit to your left. Eight foot, six. Oh, Sanjay, help Mrs. Simpson with her bag. And while you're at it-- [ Speaking Hindi ] [ Speaking Hindi ] Hmm. [ Gasps ] Mrs. Simpson! You did not pay for this bottle of Colonel Kwik-E-Mart's Kentucky Bourbon. Uh, no, I-- I guess I didn't. - [Sirens Wailing] - [ Gasps ] All right, come out with your hands up two cups of coffee an auto freshener that says Capricorn and something with coconut on it. Now, Marge, you've come to the right place. By hiring me as your lawyer, you also get this smoking monkey. Better cut down there, Smokey. - Mr. Hutz-- - Look. He's taking another puff!. Mr. Hutz, this was all a misunderstanding. I didn't mean to take anything. Now don't you worry, Mrs. Simpson. I-- - Uh-oh. We've drawn Judge Snyder. - Is that bad? Well, he's had it in for me ever since I kinda ran over his dog. - You did? - Well, replace the word "kinda" with the word "repeatedly" and the word "dog" with "son. " - [ Groans ] - Look, Marge. I'll just talk to Apu and I'm sure he'll be reasonable. [ Singing Indian Song ] Apu, I'd like you to drop the charges against my wife. No offense, but we're putting that bitch on ice. Now come on! I'm your best customer. I'm sorry, Mr. Homer, but it is the policy of the Kwik-E-Mart and its parent corporation, Nordyne Defense Dynamics to prosecute shoplifters to the full extent of the law. [ Singing ] Don't tell anyone, but, uh, Marge Simpson was arrested for shoplifting. Let the word go forth from this time and place Marge Simpson is a shoplifter. - Hey! - In other news, the chick in The Crying Game - is really a man. - [ All ] Boo! - I mean, man, is that a good movie. - [ All ] Yea! And last Christmas, Marge made us gingerbread men. And there was a hair in one. Well, I'll let you in on a little secret about Marge Simpson. She's got webbed toes. - [ Laughing ] - Ew, that's gross. - Come on. - Please. Now, Marge, don't you worry. We've all had our brushes with the law. [Knocking] - Are you Ed Flanders? - No, Ned Flanders. My mistake. I'll never have that problem again. Um, will you excuse me while I go and freshen up? I'll follow her. Just wash your hands and get out. [ Sighs ] [Man] Ladies and gentlemen of the jury who do you find more attractive-- Tom Cruise or Mel Gibson? What is the point of all this? Your Honor, I feel so confident of Marge Simpson's guilt that I can waste the court's time by rating the super hunks. - [ Impressed Murmuring ] - Wow, that's confidence. - Ooh, he's gonna win. - Mr. Hutz! Now, Mrs. Lovejoy, could you tell us a little about Marge Simpson? Well, as the wife of the minister I'm privy to a lot of sensitive information. And here it is. Marge's husband doesn't earn much, and the family's a mess. And, quite frankly, I think she, um-- [ Squeaking ] Let the record show that the witness made the drinky-drinky motion. And if we freeze on frame 1 38 we distinctly see a puff of blue hair coming from the grassy knoll. Now, Apu, Mrs. Simpson claims that she forgot she was carrying that bottle of delicious bourbon brownest of the brown liquors so tempting. What's that? You want me to drink you? But I'm in the middle of a trial. Excuse me. - [ Line Ringing ] - Hello, David. I'm really tempted. just take it one day at a time, and know that I love you. I love you too, man. So, Mr. Nahasapeemapetilon, if that is your real name have you ever forgotten anything? No. In fact, I can recite pi to 40,000 places. The last digit is one. Mmm, pie. Well, if you never forget anything, tell me this. What color tie am I wearing? You are wearing a red-and-white striped club tie in a half Windsor knot. Oh, I am, am I? Is that what you think? Well, if that is what you think I have something to tell you. [ Grunts ] Something that may shock and discredit you. And that thing is as follows. I'm not wearing a tie at all. - [ All Gasp ] - [ Gasps ] But if I am wrong about that maybe I am wrong about Mrs. Simpson. No further questions. Kids, I got a crazy feeling your mom's not going to prison. Yea! You're a latter-day Clarence Darrow. Uh, was he the black guy on The Mod Squad? Mr. Hutz, when I grow up, I wanna be a lawyer just like you. Good for you, son. If there's one thing America needs, it's more lawyers. Can you imagine a world without lawyers? [Soft Rock] [ Shudders ] And so, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I rest my case. Hmm. Mr. Hutz, do you know you're not wearing any pants? What? [ Screams ] I move for a bad court thingy. - You mean a mistrial? - Yeah. That's why you're the judge, and I'm the law-talkin' guy. - The lawyer. - Right. [Judge Snyder] The foreman will pass the verdict to the bailiff. This verdict is written on a cocktail napkin! - And it still says "guilty. " And "guilty" is spelled wrong! - [ Squeaks ] Will the foreman please read the real verdict? We find the defendant guilty. Marge Simpson, I sentence you to 30 days in prison. Next case. The National Council of Churches vs. Lionel Hutz. - [ All Grumbling ] - Oh, right. That thing. [ Crying ] You're still my hero, Mom. Now you kids be good while Mother's in prison. Don't worry, Mom. I'll bust you out of there just as soon as I get a cocktail dress and a crowbar. [Mambo] Bartina, until I met you I was the loneliest warden in the penal system. [ High-pitched ] Fresh. Oh, down I go. I'll be fine, dear. Marge, I'm gonna miss you so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also the food preparation. Your skill with stains of all kinds. But mostly, I'll miss how lucky you make me feel each and every morning. I'll miss you too, Homey. With her behind bars, our store is secure. I'm taking this thing to Mexico. [Chuckling] Knock, knock. I'm Marge Simpson, your new cell mate. I'm Phillips. They call me that 'cause I killed my husband with a Phillips head screwdriver. [ Sighs ] It's so nice not to have to cook. - You mean your husband never cooked for you? - Well, once. Homer, I don't think this fish is quite dead yet. Marge, please, I'm having enough trouble with the lobsters. [ Groaning ] - Oh, my goodness! - That's Tattoo Annie. [Marge] "What kind of slime would I marry?" - I don't understand. - It's one of those Mad Magazine fold-ins. Amazing! Now, kids, while your mother's gone I don't wanna have to wash any dishes. So from now on, drink straight from the faucet or milk carton and we'll eat while standing over the sink or toilet. - Who's gonna change Maggie? - We're gonna let her roam free in the backyard and nature will take its course. Excuse me, but I think if we all do our fair share we can keep this house clean. [ Screeches ] [ Growling ] Dad, we're running out of clean clothes. It seems like I've been wearing this same red dress forever. Go up to the attic. There's a whole trunk of clothes up there. [ Humming Wedding Song ] All right! Bologna and cheese! What do you got, Bart? A pack of sugar and peanut butter smeared on a playing card. Ha-ha! Your mom's a jailbird. - So's yours. - Oh, yeah. Let's play. [Footsteps] [Lisa] Oh, Mom, I've missed you so much. Oh, honey, I've missed you too. Homer, is that an old Halloween costume? Uh, no. So, how are things at home? We flushed the gator down the toilet, but it got stuck halfway. Now we have to feed it. I'll bet you want a piece of me. Well, you ain't gonna get it, see? [ Laughing ] [Moans] Doggone it. [Homer]Honey, I don't know what you're feelin' right now so I don't wanna push anything. We can just hold hands or sit and talk. - [ Growling ] - Whoo! Oh, do you have any of those delicious marshmallow squares? Sorry. Marge Simpson makes those. - Oh, darn! - [ All Sigh ] Fifteen dollars short. Exactly what Marge Simpson's marshmallow squares bring in. Can we still afford that statue of Lincoln? - No, I'm afraid we'll have to go with something cheaper. - Ah. I give you our 39th president, jimmy Carter. - Oh, come on! - He's history's greatest monster! [ All Shouting ] - Release the dogs. - Gee, they look pretty mad. Yeah, I've been starvin' 'em, teasin' 'em, singing off-key. [ Singing Off-key] [ Screaming ] No! Nice doggy. This never would have happened if Marge Simpson was here. Good-bye, Marge. I'll miss ya. I hope you find somebody. Men are such slime. But I'm seeing this new guy. I think he's different. Yoo-hoo! [ Belches ] - He says his name is Homer, and he works at the nuclear plant. - [ Groans ] We gotta clean this up before Mom gets back. No problemo. We'll just sweep it all under the rug. [Rumbling] [Objects Cracking] [Man] Hey, watch it. [ Cheering ] I didn't expect all this. Well, we never should have let you go. From now on, I'll use my gossip for good instead of evil. Three cheers for Marge Simpson! [ All ] Hip, hip, hooray! Hip, hip, hooray! - Hip, hip, hooray! - [Mayor Quimby]Now, Marge we have a special treat for you. Uh, it's beautiful. - [ People Chattering ] - Shh!