The Simulacrum

Part 1

"You have two of them now?" came the incredulous question from Judy over the phone.

"Yeah," I responded as I shifted on the bed. I called her right after I got out of the shower, and at the moment I was already back in my room with the customary wet towel on my head.

"And that happened after you slept for the first time in two months," she continued, and I almost nodded by reflex before I caught myself.

"Or at the very least I was unconscious," I said, eliciting an ambivalent grunt from the other side.

"We only have one data point so far, so let's not jump to conclusions. We can determine whether you now require to sleep like the rest of us tonight." I made an 'Uhu' sound in agreement, and she continued with, "On a different note, what was that 'simulacrum' you mentioned?"

"I don't know, but it feels important. The word sounds familiar too; something to do with philosophy I think."

"I'll look into it," she told me, following which I could hear another sound in the background. A second or five later Judy gave a muffled answer, then said, "Mom is calling me, I have to go. Rest up, and we'll talk in the afternoon."

"I'll try. Love you."

"You better," she responded lightly, followed by an odd smacking sound.

"What was that?"

"A long-distance kiss," she told me without batting an eye, and I couldn't help but let out a tiny chuckle.

"Thanks. I'll return it in person later."

Normally this would have been the point where those annoying, lovey-dovey couples would have spent ten minutes going back and forth with 'You hang up first' and 'No, you do', but since we were in a very mature and serious relationship, we naturally only spent about three minutes on that. Once such courtesies were done with, I put my phone down onto the night table, stretched out on the bed, and closed my eyes.

For the next minute or so, I took measured breaths and did my best to empty my head of all stray thoughts. It didn't really work, as the noises of my sister endeavoring to rein in the hyperactive little girl trying her best (and by the sounds of it, failing) to help in the kitchen were just too distracting, so in the end I sat back up with a grunt and proceeded with my next order of business. Namely, trying to figure out what to do with my new appendage.

First thing first, I attempted to measure it, and while I couldn't do a precise job due to it being quite intangible, I could quickly establish that it was exactly as long as my old one. In the process of figuring that out, I have come to another unexpected realization: my original ethereal limb was somewhat longer than it used to be. Once again, direct measurements were impossible, but by eye, I'd have said my tentacular extra extremities had a range of about two and a half meters now. They could also interact with each other, which resulted in a strange tactile sensation that gave me goosebumps in all kinds of weird places.

I spent about ten minutes playing around, which resulted in two more discoveries: I could actually tie my two Phantom Limbs into a literal knot, and more practically, I could disentangle them by consciously willing them to pass through each other. That might come in handy one day (no pun intended), but for the time being, I was just relieved that I didn't have to explain to Judy how I accidentally tied up myself and disabled half of my abilities in the process. That would have been a pretty awkward discussion…

But putting theoretical embarrassments aside, I decided to stop messing around and start being productive. Step one was, naturally, a full Far Sight roll call. Snowy and Ichiko didn't need checking, as I could still hear them downstairs. That said, since she came up in context, it would be amiss of me not to mention that the currently humanoid little miko actually had a proper mark, and she did so even when she was in her fluffier form, yet I could distinctly remember that I could not mark her when she was a sword. Though again, before Friday, I only ever touched Onikiri through the shroud wrapped around it, so maybe that's why it didn't count? Speaking of which, I didn't have a mark on Galatea either, so maybe the target had to be flesh and blood on top of requiring direct contact?

At the end of the day, I filed this conundrum under the ever-growing pile of 'things to investigate later' and moved on with my Far Sight, and since she came up, I decided to check on the Android, or rather, her… boss? Creator? Whatever, it was the mark on Labcoat Guy either way.

My point of view tunneled through space the same way as usual, and a blink of an eye later I was staring down at Labcoat Guy… though he actually wasn't wearing one at the moment. One of these days, I will have to come up with a new nickname for him. Though again, maybe ordering him to wear a lab coat would be easier. I decided to consider that later, and for the time being, I focused on my target. He was, along with the android, sitting inside a decently spacious underground chamber. It was one of the few side-rooms that the Faun didn't renovate yet, so while it was clean, it still had the utilitarian aesthetics of the bomb shelter, with steel-framed beds and distinctly uncomfortable-looking grey metal chairs arranged around a bare wooden table.

My two involuntary recruits were sitting on two separate beds, and Galatea, in particular, seemed to be no worse for wear, though she was still wearing her arm-binder behind her back. I reckon it was mainly so that she wouldn't get any funny ideas about blasting people with her literal hand-cannons. Labcoat Guy, on the other hand, was even more haggard than the last time I saw him. The bags under his eyes were an unhealthy shade of dark blue, and he even had the beginnings of a five-o-clock shadow on his face. That was odd, considering that I have yet to see even a hint of a stubble on my chin even after two months. They were both silent like a mouse in the snake-den, no doubt thanks to a certain serpent-analog sharing the room with them.

As per my instructions, the Fauns have been keeping them under constant surveillance, which meant that one of them was literally standing beside the closed door and constantly looking at them. Now, I personally knew that Vurrok's expression was bored to the point of comedy, but for people less versed in reading Faun body language, a huge ram-headed guy staring at them must have been quite intimidating.

Since there was absolutely nothing happening even after a minute, I decided to move on to our other captive, who was… not actually in custody? In fact, she was sitting in the lounge area within the great hall, in the company of Brang and Hrul, and they were discussing the finer points of moving on rooftops without making much noise over three bowls of instant noodles.

…

Okay, that was unexpected. At least they technically still kept an eye on her, so I couldn't complain too much, but considering that she was supposed to be a fanatic monster-hunter, Rinne getting along with the Faun was oddly adaptable of her, to say the least. Oh well, so long as it wasn't just a ploy to get intel out of the guys, I was fine with it, and even if it was, I trusted Brang to keep a professional distance.

Anyhow, since the discussion was still about various tricks to reduce conspicuousness in an urban environment (which was rich, coming from miss highly visible ninja), I decided to move on. Lord Grandpa was… currently in a budget meeting with the other School officials. Riveting. I glanced around at my other marks as well, but there was literally nothing going on with the gang, Armband Guy was doing paperwork in a warehouse housing all the odds and ends from Labcoat Guy's base, and even the knights were just lounging around and playing cards in their hidey-hole.

Eventually I returned to my body, and once I settled down, I lightly stretched my back before getting off my bed and turning on my PC. Once it booted, I immediately checked the Celestial Hub, but there was nothing on it either. Wow, talk about a slow day. Still, I skimmed all the new reports, flagged a few for moderation, dealt with some arguments on the forums; everything to uphold the basic cover of being Admin. It all only took about half an hour, after which I minimized the browser window and, after some consideration, opened up my old notes in the heavily encrypted hidden folder inside the lightly encrypted folder containing a bunch of random porn movies. I never even watched them; I just needed some plausible reason to justify hiding the folder in case someone tried to snoop around on my hard drive, so I just picked the ones with the funniest names and put them in there.

But back to the notes. I scanned the numerous text files in front of me and opened three of them. One was about recording my unusual abilities, which I now had to update with an extra limb. The second one was about my observations about enchantments and magic, which also needed updating after the recent events regarding Onikiri, Ichiko, and the Chimera. Finally and last, I had the oldest of the three files, which was about experiments I wanted to perform in the future but couldn't because of a lack of resources and manpower. Now that I had Labcoat Guy to delegate things upon, and Lord Grandpa to pay the bills, I could probably put a few of them into motion. This, of course, was predicated on the idea that the world would take pity on me and would give me enough of a breathing room to do so, but when the next 'plot point' would hit me in the back of the head was completely out of my control, so I decided not to worry about it for the time being.

It was like this that time literally flew by, and I was only jolted out of my work by the sound of the doorbell coming from downstairs. I blinked in surprise, as I wasn't expecting any visitors, but then it was overridden by an even bigger surprise when I noted that it was almost noon.

"I'll get it!" came the enthusiastic voice of a certain fox-girl from down the stairs. While she did that, I took the opportunity to swiftly save my work, close everything down, exit from the Hub, and put a generic Wikipedia page about a symphonic metal cover of Charles Dickens's A Christmas Story on the screen. Don't ask why I had that tab open, even I can't follow my own trail when I start clicking on interesting-sounding links on certain sites.

But putting my wiki-escapades aside, I quickly put on some socks, combed my hair with my fingers into something remotely presentable, and once I felt ready, I exited the room and walked down the stairs, only for all the tension to immediately escape my shoulders as I laid my eyes upon our guest.

"Hi, Leo!" my draconic girlfriend greeted me with a brilliant smile and an energetic wave, though the latter was made slightly comical by the fact that she was still in the process of taking off her coat, so its sleeve kept flailing around every which way.

"Hi, princess. I wasn't expecting you," I told her while making my way down the stairs. In all fairness, I could have expected her if I spent just half a second to check the location of my marks with Far Sight, but hindsight is always 20/20.

"Today is my solo-day," she declared as she took off her fur-trimmed winter hat, revealing a head of wavy blonde hair that looked just disheveled enough to be at its peak attractiveness. That's just how hairdos worked around this part though, so I didn't pay it more attention than it deserved and focused on her comment instead.

"'Solo day'? Is that another of your agreements with Judy or something?"

"Yes," she stated, but then instead of continuing, she handed the hat and her coat over to the eagerly waiting Ichiko.

"I'll put them away, Elly-ue!" the girl proclaimed and then unsteadily scooted over to the coat-rack by the entrance.

"She is so eager," my girlfriend noted with a smile. "She is just like the apprentice maids back home!"

"Don't give her any weird ideas," I warned her, and once she was within arm's reach, I held her hand and pulled her a little closer. "So, what do I owe the pleasure of your sudden yet very welcome arrival?"

"I came to hang out!" she responded firmly, though her face was getting quite red already. "Also, because I wanted to see if you are all right. Oh, and because you said you would tell me things!"

"Like that I love you?" I asked innocently, and she lightly pinched my side in response.

"That's something I already know," she said, with a quietly whispered 'Though you could say it more often' tacked after it, and a short beat later she raised her voice again and added, "I mean secrets! Things that Judy already knows! You promised yesterday, remember?"

"Yes, yes I do," I soothe her with my good hand on her waist. "I'll do that, but first, how about we sit down?"

"Wait, before that," Elly stopped me in my tracks, and gestured for me to lean down a little. I had no reason to refuse, and after I hunched forward a little, she stood on her tiptoes and touched her forehead against mine. "Oh no! You are burning up!"

"No, it's just your forehead that's cold from coming in from outdoors."

"Ah, you might be right," she concluded as she touched her own forehead with her fingers. "We should try this again a bit later."

"If you want to, but I hope you didn't expect me to miss this chance?"

"What chance?" she asked back with an uncomprehending look in her eyes, so instead of answering, I angled my face a little a planted a quick peck on her lips. She remained stock still for a moment, but then her eyes lit up and she exclaimed, "Ah, that! You are right, that was the whole point why I always wanted to try this!"

"Really?" I muttered with a satisfied grin as our foreheads parted for good. "Does that mean that we don't have to do it again once you warmed up?"

"Don't be silly, Leo. Of course we have to," she declared as if it was one hundred percent obvious, and we would have probably continued our couple-antics if not for Snowy peeking her head through the kitchen door.

"Oh? Hello, Eleanor."

"Hello, sister-in-law," Elly reacted with a small nod and a friendly wave. As for me, I could only massage my temples in response.

"You know princess, sometimes I can't help but feel that your parents have a bad influence on your common sense."

"What do you mean?"

I gave my oblivious girlfriend a wry look, but at last shook my head and used my left hand to tousle her hair with a quiet, "Never mind, I'm just grumbling."

In the meantime, my sister came over to our side, and while she wasn't wearing her maid uniform today, the combination of her apron on top of her casual clothes, her white bunny slippers, and the pasta spoon in her hand looked just as odd anyway.

"Food's almost ready. Have you eaten lunch yet?"

"I only ate a big breakfast today, but there's still space for more," the princess responded with a thoughtful look on her face. "What are you making?"

"It's… uuu… It's something called 'udon', I think?" Realizing that her uncertain answer didn't really inspire confidence, Snowy hastily added, "I mean, Ichiko said she wanted to treat Leo to some traditional dishes from her home country, and asked for help, but I don't know how well it will turn out…"

"Don't worry, Neige-ue!" the little girl in question elbowed her way into our conversation with a supremely confident look in her eyes. "We are going to have chikara udon, and tempura udon, and kitsune udon… It's going to be great!"

I decided to ignore the ever-present mystery of just where the hell could she find ingredients for Japanese dishes in my kitchen, and instead I focused on the more apparent question of, "Is udon noodles the only thing you can cook?"

"No, of course not, Ue-sama! I can also make yakitori, and tempura, and… um…" she faltered for a moment, but then her eyes lit up and she exclaimed, "Miso soup! I can also make miso soup!"

I let the silence linger for a few seconds after her declaration, and only then did I clear my throat, though quite pointedly.

"Now, for the record, I'm definitely not an expert of Japanese cuisine, but…" I paused here for effect, following it up with, "If my memory serves right, the first two are literally just fried chicken and seafood."

"Or vegetables," my girlfriend added, and when she noticed my questioning gaze directed at her, she added, "I've been to Japan with dad once during the Dragon Prodigy world tour."

"I should have figured. Thanks for the correction, but my original point still stands. As for miso, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that literally just a kind of vegetable broth with some miso paste in it?"

"Seaweed," Elly corrected me again, so I tousled her hair some more to hush her.

"Either way, neither of those are very complex dishes. Can you really cook something more complicated than that?" I waited for the little girl in the green dress to try to rebuke me, but instead she just sheepishly averted her gaze, prompting me to let out a long, drawn-out sigh. "Just as I figured. Princess?"

"I'm on it!" Elly exclaimed while rolling up her sleeves, and a second later she ducked out of under my hand and walked into the kitchen with the heavy steps of a veteran entering a battlefield. She was soon followed by Snowy and Ichiko, though their gait was less determined and considerably more panicked.

In conclusion, I was left all alone in my living room, and after a long moment of consideration, I decided to make myself useful and set the table in preparation for whatever meal the three of them would manage to salvage. I also took out my phone and sneakily checked the home-pages of the local restaurants to see if they delivered take-out on the weekend. I mean, I had perfect confidence in my draconic girlfriend's culinary capabilities, but as Judy has told me numerous times in the past, the first step on the road of staying safe was expecting the worst-case scenario, and then planning ahead accordingly.

"Oh no! Elly-ue, come quick! The water is on fire!"

…

On second thought, let's check the pizza places too. I'm fairly sure those are open on Sundays…

Part 2

"I'm not going to lie, I didn't expect lunch to turn out as well as it did," I noted as I closed the door of my room behind me. "Good job."

"I just tried my best to replicate the taste I remembered," Elly replied in a modest manner while already sitting on the edge of my bed, but the smug little smirk at the corners of her lips told me she was quite proud of herself, so I figured some more praising was in order.

"You did really well. Even Ichiko thought it was good, and she is native. Well, at least as native as a sword-spirit inhabiting a Chimera can be, but that's beside the point."

My girlfriend let out a low, satisfied giggle. In the meantime, I walked over and sat down by her side, slightly rocking the bed and eliciting another chuckle from her. Today it was Snowy's turn to wash the dishes, and I unsubtly prodded the tiny miko into helping her, so for now it was only the two of us in the room. Normally this would have been a cozy occasion, but not this time. In fact, I was feeling a little tense at the moment, and it had nothing to do with being all alone in my room with a pretty girl.

As a matter of fact, I promised Elly that I would let her in on a couple of my secrets. The problem was that, while I had no intention of going back on my word, the exact details of how much I should say and in which manner were something I planned to figure out over the night. Needless to say, my sudden loss of consciousness threw the mother of all monkey-wrenches into that plan, so by the looks of it, I figured I would have to wing most of it on the spot.

I mulled over how I should proceed for a while, and once I picked my approach, I took a deep breath and decided to break the ice. I turned to the girl at my side and was just about to open my mouth when she sidled closer to me and linked her arm around mine. I did my best imitation of Josh's eyebrow-wiggling, and in response she swiftly declared, "I'm multitasking."

"Multitasking?" I repeated after her, and she gave me a firm nod in return.

"It's what Judy always talks about. This way, we can both have a discussion and cuddle! At the same time!"

"... How is that any different from how we usually do things?"

"I don't really know either, but she was really adamant about it, so it must be important to do things this way," the princess proclaimed, though her tone sounded considerably less certain than her words would imply.

"Well, if nothing else, it's good for my mood," I half-jested as I pulled her even closer.

"I know! Kinship always makes me feel better too," she noted as she rested her head against my shoulder. For a moment I considered whether I should correct her, but I figured that if the last five times didn't work, the sixth time wouldn't make a difference either.

"So, princess? I think it's time to let you in on some classified information. It's… probably going to be hard to believe, so please don't freak out." She didn't say anything in response and only gave me a determined look… which was a little bit ruined by how she was doing it while still leaning her head against me, but I didn't voice my impression. "Let me start with something simple, and ease you into the weirder stuff. You see, I have more 'unique' abilities than the ones I told the rest of the guys about."

"Such as?" she prompted me, and after a deep breath, I proceeded to come clean.

"First off, remember the whole thing you guys figured out about my ability to teleport yesterday?" She nodded, so I continued, "Most of it is correct, but not really. You see, I don't actually need physical anchors to do it. I can mark people, and then I can freely teleport anywhere in a small radius around of them."

"Wait a moment," Elly interrupted me and simultaneously moved back a little so that she could look me in the eye properly. "So you didn't teleport to the bracelet, but… to me?"

"Yep."

"But… but wait! Wouldn't that mean you had to do it when I was near Sebastian's room?" I confirmed her deduction, and her brows immediately furrowed. "But I only went to Sebastian's room that one time to put the bracelet on the doorknob. If you teleported to me… That means you knew when I would be there?"

"That kind of ties into another one of my abilities. You see, I can actually remotely view people I marked," I explained, and her brows somehow managed to furrow even further in response.

"Remote view? As in, you can see through people's eyes?"

"No, just straight-up watch and hear them like I was in the room. I can even change my viewing position and float around. Judy and I call it 'Far Sight'."

"And you can do that at any time?" I gave her a nod in lieu of an answer, and suddenly my dear girlfriend jumped to her feet and stood in front of me with her arms crossed. "Leo… You weren't peeping on me, were you?"

"No, of course not," I answered with only slight exasperation, as I more or less expected this reaction from her. "I'm not a voyeur."

"Good. That's a bad thing," she declared with a huff, before adding, "I mean, I don't really mind that much if it's you, but doing it without asking for permission is a crime."

"I'm not going to peep on you, even if you gave me permission," I stated a tad dryly, and the princess immediately turned a shade redder and pointed a familiar yet lately seldom seen finger at me.

"I won't! You are not allowed to peep at Judy either! And if you look at other girls, I will tell dad!"

I wondered just how she would even know, but before anything else, I reached out with my good hand towards her extended arm and gently pulled her back towards me.

"Easy there, princess. I told you, I'm not peeping on anyone."

I stopped for a second as I pondered whether I should reveal that Judy at one point gave me explicit permission to peep on her, during that awkard period when her aggressively clumsy efforts at awakening my libido were at their peak, but I figured it would only complicate things. Not to mention, I didn't even take her up on her offer to begin with. Well, except that one time, but that's even more beside the point, and I didn't even see that much, and I should really move on before I dig myself into an even deeper hole.

"Please don't even joke about telling about these things to Abram. If you did that, you would have to explain how my power works first, and that would completely ruin all my efforts to keep them secret."

"Ah, you are right," she muttered as she finally calmed down and let herself be guided onto my lap and, after a few seconds of silent contemplation, she ultimately asked, "But… can you really look at anyone you… errrm… 'marked' was the term, right?"

"Yes, and yes," I confirmed. "I can only watch one mark at a time, and I can't watch everyone all the time, so you don't have to worry about it too much. Even if I would observe you when you were in the bath, it would be a coincidence at best, and I would leave."

"You better," she grumbled before lowering her head and adding in a low, awkward voice. "I mean, if it's an accident, it's fine, just don't stare too much."

"I'm not going to be staring at all. Now, can we actually move past this topic and focus on something more important?" She let out a grunt in the affirmative, so I proceeded to the next topic. "So, those two powers are apparently impossible by the common sense of this world, therefore I want you to keep them secret so that I can use them to blindside the bad guys." She let out a sound of agreement again, so I resolved myself to finally let the cat out of the bag. "Okay, so here's the big secret. It is something that you absolutely have to keep that way, so only ever talk about it with Judy or me, no one else."

I waited for her to promise me, and only after that did I take a deep breath and explained our narrative theory to her… or at the very least, a very simplified, Watsonian version of it, for the time being.

In short, my explanation focused on the idea that there was some unknown force, possibly some kind of vast magical construct, that subtly influenced people and events in order to play out some kind of script. I left out a few bits here and there, such as our working theory of this is being a recently established simulation of the world, with people's memories of the past being implanted and possibly unreliable, and instead focused on the island itself being artificial and the nebulous narrative being something that might possibly be explainable with in-universe magic. I mean, there was no reason to throw her into the deep water right away; at the very least I wanted to avoid her going through the same kind of existential crisis that happened to Judy due to my lack of foresight.

I also brought placeholders to her attention, but she had a hard time wrapping her head around that one without clear examples of 'placeholder behavior', so I promised to show her some instances when we were at school. The entire thing ended up as a fairly long discussion, though calling it that might have been a misnomer, considering that I was the only one talking.

At last, after nearly half an hour, the well of my explanations ran dry, and for some time we sat in silence as the princess processed what she just heard.

"And you figured out all of that because of your amnesia?" she inquired in a voice that said she already took my words for granted, yet she was still curious about the details.

"Yeah. I was probably supposed to be the representative of the Knights hovering around Josh, but then I managed to break out of my role and ended up messing up the script."

"And you told all of this to Judy because…?"

"Because I needed an assistant with an outside perspective early on, and she was eager to help."

"I see. And now you told me."

"Because you are my girlfriend, and leaving you out for this long was already getting a little awkward," I admitted, and she gave me a huff and a nod in return.

"Well, it's better later than never," she asserted, only to then fall silent and puff out her cheeks a little. "But on the other hand, now I have so many secrets to keep it's distressing. It's also a lot to absorb at once."

We stayed silent while I waited for her to organize her thoughts, and it actually happened much faster than I expected. First, she gestured for me to stay still, and then she clumsily turned around on my lap so that we would be face to face before she spoke her mind.

"If I understood this right, you are saying that we didn't all gather around Josh because of the prophecies, but the prophecies exist to justify all of us being around him. Did I get that right?"

"Yes, more or less."

"So… does that mean that I came to this island just to play out this 'narrative' thing you talked about?" I nodded, and my girlfriend made a strange face, kind of as if she just bit into the world's sourest lemon. "Does that mean I never liked Josh, and instead I was manipulated into thinking I like him?"

"I have no idea. I can't see into your head, so I don't know if you liked him or not, but either way, tracking down a childhood friend years later with the express purpose to capitalize on a childhood marriage promise is both very trope-y and weird, so you were most like influenced into it."

That is if there was anything to be influenced, and she wasn't poofed into existence on the first of September with the desire to drag Josh in front of the altar already in her head, but that was neither here nor there.

"It's not that weird," Elly objected with just a hint of a pout on her lips. "My great-grandma did that too."

"Yeah, about that. You see, princess, your family doesn't count, because they have no common sense at all. I'm sorry you had to learn it this way."

"Cut out the jokes, Leo. I'm serious," she rebuked me, once again reminding me that she was also in need of some common sense rehabilitation. In the meantime, she readjusted her posture on my legs, and after a moment of ruminating she told me, "So if we didn't get entangled on the rooftop that day, I would have…"

"You would have probably ended up in Josh's harem. As in, not an actual 'harem' harem, but the fictional kind where a bunch of girls are all vying for the romantic attention of one guy without moving the relationship forward at all and yet everyone still getting along with each other."

"I don't know… That's more or less how grandpa lived with my grandmas," the princess mused aloud, much to my chagrin.

I gave my girlfriend a wry look and stressed, "Elly, my dear, let me repeat myself: your family is not exactly normal."

"If so, then our relationship isn't normal either," she argued back with a frown, and I immediately shook my head.

"No, it's not, but 'not normal' and 'bad' are not synonyms. I just want you to be a little self-aware about that."

It looked like she would continue arguing back, but in the end she let out something that was at the borderline between a sigh and a growl and instead stated, "Never mind. Where were we?"

"At the point where we discussed that you were probably influenced into coming here and pursuing Josh, but then I accidentally knocked you off the rails, and now you are sitting on my lap."

"And it's a very comfortable lap too, but are you sure about that? What if I just switched from the 'Josh' track to the 'Leo' track?"

"I… honestly can't answer that. Maybe?"

I was just about to start wondering if and how my unintentional grabbing of the protagonist-ball could have resulted in the current state of affairs, but before I could gather momentum, she poked my sides with her fingers hard enough to make me let out a surprised hiss.

"Don't be a dummy, Leo! I'm teasing you!"

"Ah, yeah, I get it, but what you said is not entirely impossible," I answered while poking her back. "I mean, if I didn't get in between you and Josh the day you transferred, things would have ended up completely differently."

"That's just silly-talk," my girlfriend huffed as she forcefully removed my poking finger and held my hand in her own. "You might as well say, 'Oh, but if your mom and dad never met, then we would not have started going out, because you would not even exist'."

"That's… not entirely analogous," I countered a little weakly as I considered just how I could get my point across.

"Say what you want, I still think it's silly thinking about 'what ifs' like that," my girlfriend stated with a disinterested shrug, "Whatever I might or might not have been subconsciously influenced to do, the only important thing is that you showed up, pestered me into liking you, and now I got the cooler boyfriend. I don't see the problem."

"I don't remember ever pestering you and… wait… cooler?" I repeated after her, both a little embarrassed and surprised by her choice of words. "I mean, I don't want to sound diffident or anything, but to be fair, Josh is pretty cool too."

"He can't teleport anywhere he wants," Elly countered immediately and with an unusually flat look to boot.

"Maybe, but he can turn into all kinds of magical folks. That's pretty cool."

My response elicited an indifferent huff and a shake of her head.

"A little, but still not as cool as being a Chimera-slayer."

"Ugh, you just had to bring that up," I grumbled while rolling my eyes. "But then again, isn't being the foretold chosen one of multiple prophecies cooler than that?"

"No, not at all," Elly declared with her cheeks puffed out like a hamster's. "It doesn't matter anyway! Just having me as your girlfriend automatically makes you a hundred times cooler!"

"I suppose I can get behind that, but… by that logic, does that mean that Judy is also automatically cooler than Josh?"

It was at this point that my girlfriend got fed up with my teasing, and before I could react, she puffed up her cheeks with the power of a thousand exploding suns and directed an absolutely devastating pout at me from just a few centimeters away from my face.

"Ouuuu! Will you stop arguing and just take the compliment already!?"

"Fine, fine," I gave up with both my hands raised in surrender. "I'm cool."

"The coolest," she proclaimed with a self-satisfied nod, and before I could let my hands down, she gave me a bear-hug that was simultaneously pleasantly soft and just a tiny bit backbreaking.

"Easy there, princess. I'm still recuperating," I chided her, and once she separated herself and her squishy bits from my chest, I let out a small sigh and said, "Also, I think we went wildly off-topic here."

"We were talking about this magical mind-control thing you call the narrative, right?" Elly mused aloud, and after a second of thought, she gave me an ambivalent shrug. "Is it really that big of a deal? I mean, even if all of the incidents we faced were orchestrated by some kind of higher power, didn't you resolve all of them without any losses? Well, except your injuries." She paused here while a frown settled on her brows and she quickly added, "By the way, please stop getting injured all the time."

"Please, princess. Judy is constantly pestering me about this already, please don't dogpile on me too…"

"But it's important! Even if your life is not in danger, like that one time back at school, seeing you being injured and sick is—"

"I know, I know," I cut in, my voice barely hiding my exasperation. "Listen, I'm doing my best, okay? It's not easy, or safe, going against the narrative, and sometimes things get out of hand. I can't really help it."

"Then why do you go against it?" My expression might have been just a tad flabbergasted, as the princess hastily clarified her sentiment. "You said that this narrative entity or system or what have you follows all kinds of rules. You called them tropes, I think?" I nodded, and then she continued with extra gusto. "If so, then why don't you try to use them to your advantage? For example, there was this show that I watched as a child where a group of girls transformed with magical jewels."

"So a magical girl anime?"

"No, it was French, I think. Or was it French Canadian? More importantly, it was a fun show, and hardly anyone got injured in it. What if you used the 'tropes' to make things like that, and then everyone would be safer."

For the next five seconds, I had to do my best to maintain a poker-face while simultaneously suppressing any and all stray mental images about my girlfriends prancing around in frilly, colorful magical girl outfits. Though again, Elly was already energetic enough to take to the role, while Judy would certainly appeal to the gap-moe sensibilities and... No! Bad brain, very bad!

Anyhow, once I was sure I wasn't going to break into a grin any time soon I took a breath and slowly shook my head.

"It's not that simple. Without understanding the underlying mechanism of the world and how the narrative reacts to our actions, it's impossible to tell what effects our meddling would have. For example, do you remember that small crisis your father's company had with record sales suddenly dropping?"

Once she nodded, I proceeded to explain to her how my unwitting influence on the world somehow force-marched everything through a good thirty years of technological development overnight. At first she seemed confused about what I was talking about, but as I went into more details and given her multiple examples, her bewilderment slowly faded and got replaced by a wide-eyed realization.

"Wow… You are right." She paused here for a minute, and then quietly continued with, "How come I never noticed this until you pointed it out? It's so weird!"

"Probably the same reason why you couldn't notice that the placeholders are acting weird. More importantly, this all came about because of my expectations for the world, and things changed accordingly."

"So this narrative thing not only influences people, it can completely warp reality," she muttered before all of a sudden her eyes lit up as she looked at me with a gaze that made me slightly uncomfortable. "Wait a minute! If we really got smartphones and flat screens and music streaming because of you, doesn't that mean that you warped reality?"

"Kind of, I suppose, but indirectly at best, and you see, this is the point I was getting at. If something as small as this could have such large-scale effects, then just imagine what kind of unforeseen consequences it could lead if I tried to do it on purpose!"

"I understand," the princess said, her voice just a little bit disappointed, but she quickly bounced back by asking, "But still, you were expecting all of these things, and then made money out of it. Do you have any other technologies that could show up like that, so that we can make lots of money?"

"… I suppose we could, but aren't you rich enough already?"

"You can never be rich enough. The richer you get, the harder it is to get even more money."

"You know, princess, not everyone wants to have all the money in the world," I pointed out, but I got overruled by a haughty huff.

"But you should. You are building your own organization, aren't you?"

I wanted to immediately deny her assertion, but as I thought about it, technically I had a base, a group of minions, and intelligence network (even if it was borrowed from the Celestials), the plans for a future research division, and even the local supernatural figurehead acknowledged me as an 'equal', at least if the contracts he sent over were any indication. Once I mulled over all of these things, my shoulders slacked a little on their own into something resembling a shrug.

"I suppose I do now," I admitted, and Elly nodded twice in response.

"That needs a lot of money, you know. You are also going to provide for a big family, so you have to keep that in mind."

"Yes, I know, and I do," I grumbled before voicing something that has been bothering me for a while. "Don't take this the wrong way, but aren't you even a little bit distressed by this entire discussion?"

"Which part?" she asked back as if my question itself was inexplicable.

"The whole of it? With the narrative and the reality-warping and the tropes," I clarified broadly enough that I wasn't even sure I made anything clearer, but it apparently worked, as Elly gave me an 'Oh, you mean that?' kind of expression right away.

"Oh, you mean that?" she spoke up, and quite redundantly, if I may add. "I don't see why I should. I mean, it's not like I was negatively impacted by any of that, and even if I would be, I can't do anything about it. I would rather worry about things I can change rather than something that's beyond my reach."

"I… suppose that's one way to look at it," I acknowledged a little reluctantly, yet that seemed to completely satisfy her.

"Also, I might need to sleep on all of this to digest the details."

"Probably. If you get an existential crisis in the process, make sure you call me." She was looking at me funny for a moment, so I explained, "It happened to Judy at one point, and if you need me too, I'm always here to talk with you."

"That's sweet," the princess remarked with a giggle and then, after a long beat of silence, she asked, "So, now that I learned all of your secrets, do you have any other plans for the day?"

I considered pointing out that she didn't learn all my secrets by a long shot, but she seemed pretty adamant about changing the topic, so I ultimately told her, "I figured I would go and visit the secret base in the afternoon and deal with Labcoat Guy. Until then… we cuddle?"

My proposition fell on receptive ears, as Elly immediately tightened her grip on my waist.

"We cuddle indeed!" she declared with an impish smirk, followed by a long and somewhat tongue-y kiss. We were still in the experimenting phase with that one, and it was harder than it looked.

And just like that, my downtime with my girlfriend continued unabated in a more physical direction. That is, until she remembered that we made a promise not to cross a certain line until Christmas, at which point she switched gears and continued to pester me about money-making opportunities. In conclusion, my princess was a material girl, and her ideas about monopolizing the market for certain possible future technologies made it abundantly clear that she was the descendant of businessmen with questionable trade practices, but I loved her all the same.

…

That said, maybe making my very own subscription-based streaming service wasn't such a bad idea after all…

Part 3

"And presto," I whispered under my breath as I appeared inside the secret underground base, completely out of sight. It wasn't for secrecy, but part of a small experiment; it appeared that along with my Phantom Limbs growing both in numbers and, more importantly, range, the radius of the area around my marks where I could Phase to also increased. It wasn't anything dramatic, only about five meters at most, but it was still an improvement.

"Woooo! We really are back!" a certain diminutive girl exclaimed from the top of her lungs as she darted away from me and spun around to take in the familiar environment. "Ue-sama is amaaaaazing!"

"Can I open my eyes now?" next came a small voice from around the vicinity of my left shoulder, and I squeezed the princess's hand to reassure her.

"Yeah, we already arrived."

My girlfriend cautiously opened one of her eyes and soon let out a relieved breath.

"Good. I always get goosebumps when we do this." I might have looked unintentionally curious about her remark, as she quickly explained, "It feels like I get compressed into a ball for a second and then out again; it's nothing like using a normal teleportation circle."

I didn't know how closing her eyes would help with that, but I didn't argue, and instead we both headed towards the workshop area, with Elly still holding onto my arm. I was feeling quite pleased at the moment, and not just because I had a lovely girl attached to me.

Long story short, having two Phantom Limbs gave me an idea back home. If one extra hand allowed me to take one person along for the ride when Phasing, then wouldn't two allow me to increase that number accordingly? I decided to put the hypothesis to the test right away, but I needed Snowy to stay back home as my anchor, so by process of elimination, I ended up taking the princess and the tiny miko with me. The results were quite satisfactory.

The additional load from transporting two people at once was borderline negligible, and by my estimate, it would both cut down on the time required to move the group back and forth between my house and the secret base, as well as on the associated headaches. In other words, for the first time in quite a while, something that happened that would potentially reduce my headaches for a change. That's neat.

While I was considering these things, Ichiko returned with a familiar face in tow.

"Look, ue-sama! I found Evil Minion Number Two!"

I wanted to note that it wasn't all that hard, considering he was a huge, muscly ram-person walking towards us, but seeing how awkward Karukk seemed already, I refrained from doing so and simply greeted him.

"[I give you my greetings. I hope the light of dawn found you in good health.]"

He looked a little baffled for a moment, but then he glanced down at the bandages on his forearms and he flashed a toothy grin in our direction.

"[Don't worry boss, it looks worse than it really is. Give me a few days, and I'll be as good as new.]"

"[If the words leaving your mouth contain truth, then they certainly fill the contents of my chest with heat.]" After the pleasantries were done, I moved on to the actual reason for our visit. "[May I inquire how the guests of involuntary persuasion residing in our domicile fare?]"

"[They are very well-behaved,]" Karukk reported with a small shrug. "[The two in custody are silent as a pair of mice, and as for the swordswoman, the general is keeping an eye on her. They are getting along too.]"

"[Such phenomenon did not elude my attention,]" I responded a little half-heartedly, but before we could get any further, my un-occupied sleeve was suddenly grabbed by a certain little girl.

"Ue-sama, ue-sama! Where is Rinne-san? Can I see her?"

I considered it for a moment, and since both her and mountain girl were well behaved, I didn't see any reason to say no. I curtly nodded and glanced up at Karukk, a generally meaningless act that Ichiko must have read too deeply into, as she quickly turned on her heels and skipped over to his side.

"Come, Evil Minion Number Two! Lead the way!"

The big guy measured the little girl up and down, probably debating whether she was serious or not, but at last he gave up and gestured for her to follow after him while grumbling something along the lines of "[Why 'number two'?]" under his breath as if that was the most objectionable thing about what she said. But then again, wasn't this a comedy thing? It was 'Ugly Dog Theory', I think? Either way, it's a trope, so maybe the narrative forced him to do it! Or maybe he is becoming self-aware and invoked it on purpose! Maybe everyone is becoming self-aware and the Simulacrum or what have you won't be able to handle all the fourth wall breaks and will collapse! Or maybe I'm reading way too much into this!

…

Yeah, probably the last one.

"Take care, and don't inconvenience the Faun," Elly called after the departing duo, and they both waved at her in return.

I figured we should also get going, so I gently pulled on Elly, and she quickly followed after me. We headed towards the large metal doors near the armory, or rather the stairwell behind them which led to the sub-basement where Brang decided to set up our temporary holding cells. On the way, we ran into Pip and Hrul, both dressed in smocks and carrying carpenter's tools, but we only shared a simple greeting before we let them be on their way. I didn't really notice at this time, but there might have been a peculiar expression on my face, as Elly soon prodded me in the side with her elbow to get my attention.

"Hey, Leo? Is everything all right?"

"Erm... Sure. Why?"

"I don't know, you were the one looking at me funny."

"Oh, that? Don't mind me, I just find it a little refreshing that you are not even a little wary of these guys."

"Who, the Faun?" My nod made her look at me like I was the weird one. "Why would I be afraid of them?"

"Don't ask me, Judy's the one who doesn't like them."

"But... why? They are so nice and goofy! And their language is so interesting."

"I suppose."

My lukewarm agreement only threw more fuel onto my girlfriend's fire.

"It is! They can exchange such complex thoughts with simple grunts. And when you do it, it sometimes sounds kind of similar to Mongolian throat singing."

I awarded her comment with a raised brow of the precise incredulous/intrigued ratio it deserved, and finally said, "Okay, I bite. What the heck is Mongolian throat singing?"

"You don't know?" she asked back, with even her steps faltering for a moment as if she just received a great shock. When I shook my head, she narrowed her eyes and stated, point black, "You said you listen to Dragon Prodigy."

"Yeah, I do occasionally, when I'm organizing my notes. Why?"

"Their third studio album, the fourth song," she told me flatly, and when I didn't respond, she finally clarified, "Dusk of the Golden Horde."

"Ah, wait, you are talking about the song about Genghis Khan?"

She seemed quite pleased by my eventual realization, and after a short nod she explained, "The long bridge before the last refrain is in Mongolian throat singing."

"Wait, that's what we are talking about? I thought it was some kind of obscure instrument."

"No, it was a singer," Elly emphasized with a huff. "It was my idea too! I told dad about it during pre-production, and he brought in a professional Mongolian singer for that part."

"Ah, so that's why you are so invested in this," I noted in belated recognition. "That said, do I really sound like that when I talk to the Faun?"

"Not always, but from time to time." She paused for a moment with a sparkling look in her eyes, which told me she just had a sudden, if not necessarily good, idea. "Hey, Leo? Next time you are over, do you want to record your voice? It's a little heavy for Dragon Prodigy, but Jörmungandr's first album had a lot of death metal influences, so they might be able to use you for backup vocals!"

"I'm not much of a singer," I responded in an effort to gently turn her down, but she wouldn't have it, as she stuck even closer to me. The latter might have been because we reached the stairs though.

"You don't need to sing, just talk in Faunish! You don't even need to rhyme!"

Well, of course I wouldn't. It's not like anyone aside from the Faun and the Abyssals would even understand the words, or grunts, or throat singing, or whatever. But then again, when I imagined Crowey's face when someone told him there was a metal album that was trash-talking him from beginning to end in Faunish… Nah, too risky for a cheap laugh.

"If that's all you need, why don't you do it?"

"Leo, I can't speak their language," the princess objected as we reached the bottom of the stairwell.

"You don't need to, so long as you imitate me," I proposed, though I obviously wasn't entirely serious. "Try saying after me: [My feelings of affection with respect to your being are extraordinarily substantial.]"

She appeared unsure whether I was pulling her leg or not for a moment, but after glancing around and making sure there was nobody else in the long concrete hallway aside from us, she pointedly cleared her throat and, after what I presumed to be preparing herself, she let out a long series of drawn-out, growling noises. They sounded like they came from her chest, and they played havoc with my ears for a moment.

Once she was done, she looked up at me and asked, "So? Did I get it right?"

"… You just told me that seven naked old men with helmets made of butter stole your theremin. I need a second to recover from that image."

"What? That's just gross! Why did you make me repeat that after you?" the princess expressed her displeasure with the combination of a pout and almost stepping on my foot.

"I didn't. I told you that I love you a bunch."

Hearing that, my girlfriend immediately ceased her efforts of flattening my poor foot and let out a deflated sigh.

"Now I suddenly feel nostalgic," she commented in a voice that didn't sound so at all, so I figured she was just using it to prompt me. I obliged without further ado.

"Oh? And why's that?"

"This is just like how we were when I transferred to the school. You would do something to make me angry, then at the last second you would casually do or say something sweet that would make me like you even more." Sayings so, she stopped me on my tracks, so that she could rise to her tiptoes and plant a quick peck on my cheek, and a small giggle later she also added, "I love you a bunch too."

"I'm glad to hear that." I smiled at her for a while, but then I decided it was time to tease her a little, so I returned her favor by kissing the top of her head and then whispering, "You left out the part where you would let out those cute noises and run away."

"Aaaah! Don't remind me of my old shame!" she exclaimed and simultaneously planted a sharp elbow into my side. It was still worth it though.

In the meantime we finally reached our destination, so we stopped playing and adopted a very serious demeanor (by our standards) before knocking on the door in front of us. It took a few seconds for it to open, and we were met with Vurrok's surprised eyes through the gap.

"[Oh, it's you, milord.]" He noted, only to then belatedly notice the girl by my side, so he hastily added. "Lady too. Welcome. Come in."

Saying so, he opened the door wide and stepped back, partially to let us in, but I suspected it was mostly just so that he would have the space to salute and give us a half-bow. Pip and Hrul were like that as well, and it really annoyed me that the only Faun I managed to stop treating me like nobility was Karukk, but it wasn't something I could do anything about at the moment, so I simply ignored him.

Once we entered, the two 'guests' in the room turned a pair of prickly stares at us. Labcoat Guy was currently sitting by the only table in the room with an open MRE package in his hands, which he tried to hide the moment he saw me. I had no idea why, as it was me who bought it. In fact, I bought an entire crate of the stuff using one of the contacts on the Celestial Hub when I was desperate to quickly sort out the food requirements of half a dozen Fauns. I never tried one, but Brang swore by the mac and cheese packs.

Anyhow, all of that was beside the point. I glanced at the man, and then the still tied up android. She was still bound, but even so, she looked much more sensible than she used to in her evil henchwoman outfit. She was also quite attractive, but that came with the territory of being an important person of the female variety around these parts, so I was mostly immune to such things already. She looked calm, but her eyes told me that if she had her hands free, she would have already tried to shoot me with her arm cannons.

In the end, I decided to ease the tension by a little with an upbeat greeting and a light wave using my injured hand. It was at least good for that much.

"Hey there, I haven't seen you in a while. How are you doing?"

Labcoat Guy kept silently glaring at me, but to my surprise, Galatea responded right away.

"Thank you for asking. We are being held prisoners against our will and kept under constant surveillance by terrifying creatures of the Abyss. What about you?"

"Oh, sassy," I responded with a chuckle. "I guess that means you are fine."

"I am most definitely not fine," the fembot retorted with a scowl. "Release us at once. Or failing that, at least remove these shackles from me."

"I'm afraid I can't do that," I responded as the oddly silent princess and I walked up to the table.

"Please state your reason," Galatea demanded, so I did just that.

"I don't want to get shot with that Plasma Disintegrator of yours."

She paused for a moment, and then slightly tilted her head to the side.

"That is an acceptable argument. I acknowledge your reasoning."

"How gracious of you," I jested.

"You are welcome," she didn't. "In that case, I request that you prepare separate rooms for us. Master's snoring is interfering with my charging cycle."

"Hey!" Labcoat Guy finally spoke up, only to immediately fall silent again when I looked at him.

After a long beat, I let out an exaggerated sigh and wiggled my fingers out of Elly's grasp, only to then place my hand onto the table and declare, "I'm afraid there is a slight misunderstanding. I'm the one who is making the calls here, and you are definitely not in a situation where you can make demands like that."

"… What do you want from us?" Labcoat Guy finally asked the pivotal question, and it didn't even need much stealthy guidance from me.

"Thank you for asking. First, let's make sure we are on the same page." After saying so, I took out a bundle of folded-up papers from my breast pocket and made a theatrical show of unfolding them, just to make them sweat a little. "So, just so that we are clear on your crimes, you conspired with the Arch-mage to threaten us, repeatedly attacked us, you made terrible footsoldier robots, and you dressed in stupidly impractical outfits."

"What do the Sprockets have to do with anything?"/"I completely agree on the last point."

The two of them spoke up at the same time, and I ignored them both.

"Now, I understand that you were technically hired help, so the majority of the blame falls on the shoulders of a certain Lord Grandpa, but you have still caused me an undue amount of headache, so I want you to take responsibility."

"I request clarification," Galatea said with a stern expression. "Are you referring to your rumored statements about forcing us to labor for your cause?"

"It's not rumored; he said it right in front of me!" Labcoat Guy argued, only to be summarily disregarded once again.

"I'm not really forcing you to do anything, but you are mostly correct. I can't exactly let you go, lest you would cause more sentai shenanigans, but just locking you up like this would be terribly inefficient. Then I figured that if I could put you to work, we could hit two birds with one stone."

"You still haven't told us what you want from us," the man of the duo sulked, probably because we ignored him too much, so I turned my attention to him for the time being.

"Listen, Labcoat— I mean Friedrich… By the way, would you mind if I shortened your name to just 'Fred'?"

"Yes, I absolutely would!"

"I understand. So, Fred, as I was saying, I want to employ you as a researcher."

"I once again request clarifications," the android spoke up, this time tilting her head in the other direction. "What type of research is the subject of this discussion?"

"Outlining the nature and boundaries of magic, unraveling the concept of consciousness, looking for traces of artificial design in the world, and searching for a vast supernatural construct that influences everyone and warps reality to stick to what may or may not be a pre-determined script."

"You want us to research… fate?" Labcoat Guy asked a tad incredulously, and since I had no better way to explain things to him at the moment, I simply nodded.

"In a matter of speaking."

"Ambitious," the fembot stated, and by the looks of it her creator had a different word in mind, but I cut in before he could speak up again.

"I am going to provide you with space for a workshop, equipment, a generous budget footed by the Arch-mage, five meals a day, healthcare coverage, and a dental plan." I counted off, finishing with a reassuring smile and, "I think it's a pretty good deal if I do say so myself."

"What's the catch?" came the suspicious, and entirely predictable, question from Labcoat Guy.

"There's obviously a few," I told him nonchalantly as I put a handful of pages onto the table. "First off, no more useless mooks or monsters that grow. You are not allowed to work on anything related to silly costumes, transformations, or giant robots either. And finally," I momentarily stopped here to point at the android, "The arm-cannons have to go."

"I object," she responded in a flat yet at the same time vehement voice. "Doing so would infringe on my bodily autonomy."

"I don't really care. You are not going to walk around with something that can melt through concrete walls."

"She can do that too," Galatea objected while using her chin to vaguely gesture towards Elly.

"Yes, but she is my girlfriend. I trust that she won't try to melt me. The same cannot be said about you."

We locked eyes for a few seconds, and at long last she relented with an annoyed throaty sound.

"I request a compromise."

"And pray tell, just what do you mean by that?"

"I agree to your terms, but in return, I demand an aquarium," she explained herself with comical simplicity.

"What?" The princess blinked in surprise by my side, but while I wasn't expecting something like that, I wasn't exactly taken aback either.

"You want the one that used to be in the lounge of your old base?" I ventured an educated guess.

"Yes," she replied right away, only to freeze up for a second and hastily add. "I retract the previous answer. I request a fish-tank twice the size of the old one, with a water purifier, plants, a small castle decoration, and the following fishes: zebra danios, neon tetra, angelfish, betta—"

"Stop. Just put them in the requisition form, all right? I'll see what I can do about it."

"Acknowledged," Galatea said with a small smile tugging at the corners of her mouth, completely oblivious to the way Labcoat Guy was looking at her.

"I can't believe you exchanged your state of the art weaponry for a fish-tank…"

"Master, sometimes we must make compromises for our future," she answered, before suddenly looking back at me and adding, "Also, can I write fish-feed off as company expenses?"

"I'm not a company, but we can work that out in the contract. Speaking of which…" At this point, I stopped and tapped on the papers on the table. "Let me make one thing clear before you start having funny ideas: I have repurposed your contract with Endymonion. Even if you tried to escape, I can find you wherever you are."

Needless to say, the document in front of me was the very same contract I was just talking about. I was curious why Labcoat Guy went to such lengths to retrieve it from Lord Grandpa, but once I got my hands on the original and properly examined it, I have quickly discovered that the paper itself had a complex enchantment. It not only made it very resilient, but it actually gave the contracts written on it various nifty features, such as imposing curses on the side breaking a clause, or allowing the signees to locate each other in case one of them tried to run away from their responsibilities. Of course, I didn't actually need it to know where these guys were at any moment, but they didn't need to know that.

"What do you mean you 'repurposed the contract'? You can't do that," Labcoat Guy stated matter-of-factly, as if it was common sense. Which, in retrospect, it kind of was, but maybe not for me.

"I just tweaked the enchantment a little, so that it believes that I'm the Arch-mage. It's wasn't even particularly difficult to do." He was naturally still skeptical, but I didn't want to get bogged down explaining the intricacies of how it was done. "More importantly, if you are willing to follow my instructions and work with me, we are going to make a new contract, with all the details quantified and ironed out before signing."

"If we are willing? Do we even have a choice in the matter?"

"Well, you can always just stay here indefinitely, in our custody, if that's what you want," I told him straight.

"Question: Do I still get my aquarium for removing my plasma disintegrators if master refuses the offer?"

The fembot's sudden question threw me on a loop for a second, and in the meantime Elly entered the conversation and answered in my stead.

"Naturally, you will not. Being rewarded for cooperation is only applicable if you cooperate; anything less would be preferential treatment without reason, and we will not undermine our authority in such a way."

I was momentarily shocked and just a tiny bit dazzled by how confidently she stated that, but thinking over it, there was nothing strange about that. I mean, I was already used to her being my clutzy, adorable girlfriend, but she was a literal dragon royalty, so being able to project authority was nothing to be surprised about.

"In that case, master? In my unbiased opinion, it is in our best interest to hear out their offer in detail."

"Unbiased my ass!" the guy exclaimed, only to then bury his head in his hand and, after a long groan, tell us, "Fine. Anything is better than being locked up in here and listening to Galatea complaining about how everything that happened was my fault."

"I am only stating the truth. I was never programmed to lie."

"You were never programmed for anything!"

"That can't be true, because I just said it, and I can't lie. Because I was never programmed to. Beep."

Labcoat Guy let out another groan and gestured towards her with both of his hands.

"Do you see what I have to put up with all the time!?"

"It's tough, buddy," I responded with a one hundred thousand percent sincere and not at all wooden voice. "So, should we start working on that contract?"

"Affirmative. The sooner, the better," Galatea declared with a voice of finality, and her alleged 'master' left at that with an exhausted sigh.

"You have made the right choice. Now, I believe this is the point where I am supposed to take over," Elly suddenly proclaimed as she stepped up to the table and took the modified contract.

"Is it?" I asked back by reflex, and for a moment she looked a little uncertain.

"Isn't this the reason why you asked me to come here with you? I thought you wanted me to help to make a new contract because I already have experience with business negotiations…"

"Aaaaah yes, you are right," I agreed hastily. "That's definitely the reason why I asked you to come. Definitely."

"Oh, that's good. I was almost worried I misunderstood you for a moment," my girlfriend told me with a relieved voice and a modest smile, and I quickly nodded along, only just realizing that I barely dodged a bullet. Also, I should have totally thought about asking her for help on my own, but once again, hindsight is always 20/20.

"I'll take care of things from here," she told me, suddenly fired up. "I have learned the basics from my tutors, and I even watched dad negotiate a few times. Trust me."

"Of course I trust you, just… don't overdo it, okay?"

She giggled, as if I just said something cute, but I was entirely serious. Anyhow, I was starting to get a little worried about the situation upstairs, so after making sure things were under control, I left the situation in the (hopefully) capable hands of my dear girlfriend and unceremoniously Phased back to the main hall.

"[Oh, it is you, Blackcloak,]" Brang greeted me the moment I arrived, even though I specifically showed up behind him. The old man Faun was sharp as ever. Also, friendly, even though his toothy grin was ever so slightly terrifying to the uninitiated. "[I was made aware of thy presence in our domain by the words of the diminutive one, and I eagerly awaited thine arrival.]"

"[My pleasure upon our meeting is also palpable,]" I responded in kind, only to pause when I realized that Rinne was staring at us with an uncomprehending look plastered onto her face.

She was not only completely unbound, but she was even wearing another set of my backup tracksuits stashed away in the secret base, with the sleeves rolled up so that they more or less fit her frame. Even more bafflingly, she had a wooden training sword in her hands, and judging by the sweat glistening on her forehead, she was swinging it just a moment ago. I also noted that Brang had a training spear in his hands instead of his usual weapon and sign of office, so it didn't take a genius to put two and two together.

"Were you sparring just now?" I asked in our common tongue, for the benefit of the onlookers.

"Aye," the ex-general followed suit, his voice low and guttural as usual, even when he wasn't speaking Faunish. "She is fine. Good sparring partner."

In the meantime the subject of our conversation put her wooden sword aside and walked over to me with a determined expression, but before she could get a word in, she was cut off by a small girl in a green dress wedging herself between the two of us.

"Welcome back, Ue-sama! Where is Elly-ue? Did she go home?"

"No, she is just busy at the moment," I told her, after which I turned back to the swordswoman obviously waiting for an opportunity to address me, but then we were interrupted again by Karukk showing up.

"Apologies, boss. Tried to stop her. She is slippery."

"Don't worry about it," I dismissed him, and then faced Rinne again. Then I got interrupted. Again. This time by my phone. This was getting a little suspicious, but for the time being I gestured for Mountain Girl to wait for a moment, and after checking the caller ID, I picked up the phone. "Hi, Snowy. Is there a problem?"

I listened to her, and once she told me the details of the situation, I immediately cut the line and pointed to Rinne again.

"You, whatever you need to say, don't forget about it. Write it down, if you have to."

My order might have confused her, but I had to make it. Being interrupted three times in a row like that was exactly the kind of thing where Judy would make finger-guns at me and proudly declare 'Narrative influence!' in her lovely deadpan voice. Anyhow, once she nodded in the affirmative, my finger moved on to its next target, namely the little girl clinging to my sleeve.

"You, you are coming with me. You might be needed to explain things."

I didn't even wait for her to respond, and instead I moved on to the friendly Faun standing nearby.

"You, go and get Onikiri."

"[O-Okay, boss, but… right now?]" Karukk inquired a little awkwardly, so I gave him a firm nod.

"Yes. We have a guest back home, and I have a feeling I'm going to need it…"