The Spa

I had slept in a little but it felt great, I braided my hair threw on some jean shorts and a white low cut button up shirt, cork wedges and headed down to breakfast. Breakfast was in the courtyard, there were a few newspapers and magazines to read. The waiter's served small version of eggs Benedicts with a side of fruit and coffee, it seemed it was just us women here this morning which was very different from the mix the night before. After a few minutes Madame showed up, \"I have Itineraries for each of you here,\" she said handing out envelopes, \"If anyone has any problems with them, please let me know,\" she finished and walked out. We all quickly opened em, mine was a tantra yoga session followed by and hour long massage. I went to my room to change into some workout clothes and my guard was standing outside my door waiting when I was ready. We walked down the stairs and between the stair cases, through the courtyard, where the back opened up. I should've looked out my balcony last night, but I was so tired. There were wooden slats that made the walkways through the sand, we took the one to the right and there was a giant cabana looking tent. I was greeted inside by a lady, \"Miss Clark,\" a woman greeted me and bowed. I bowed back, not sure what really was protocol in this situation. There were 5 yoga mats in a circle, I sat down another woman came by and gave me a water bottle, which was glass with a cork. Finally everyone shuffled in, Sandra seemed to be attaching herself to me for some reason, maybe because we sat across from each other the night before. \"Alright everyone,\" the woman who greeted us at the door began in a nice calm tone. \"My name is Indra, I will be your guide for todays session,\" she began. \"This week we will be women only, we want to create safe and pressure free space. We will help you get in touch with every part of your body, from your toes to your head, so please sit on your knees,\" she explained sitting in front of us. She lead us through an hour long series of stretches and breathing exercises by the time we were finished we were sweating and our water bottles were empty, but no one was out of breath. After we were lead back inside to a locker room to change into Kimono robes, everyone had a different one. Mine was black silk, trimmed in black lace.

We were then lead to a room with lots of chairs with copper bowls we all picked one and sat. People came out and washed our feet with warm water in the copper bowls. We were brought mimosas and chocolate covered strawberries. \"A girl could get use to this,\" Sandra whispered leaning over to me. I smiled, I started to not mind her, she was winning me over as her friend. Madame showed up when the foot massage was over, \"Your first week the massages will be performed by our top masseuse,\" she explained and clapped her hands. Doors opened and we were called one by one down different hallways, a woman called my name and I followed her to a dimly lit room, \"My name is Denise,\" she said and proceeded to assist me in taking off my robe and helping me on the table. I found it odd, but whatever at least she was another woman, we had the same anatomical parts. The massage table was warm, there was aroma therapy going and soft classical music. I took a deep breath and put my face in the pillow. \"Any problem areas?\" She asked. \"Not that I've noticed,\" I answered. Her fingers were like magic, I instantly felt more relaxed, which I didn't know was possible. I apparently had knots in my neck and shoulders, \"You've had a lot of stresses,\" she stated as she worked on my shoulders. Sandra was right, I could get use to this. We were informed our stuff was taken back to our rooms, we walked out and headed to the stairs. We ran into the men on our way to the stairs, Jack winked at me, I shot him a smile and quickly headed to my room.

I showered, put my jean shorts and shirt back on and headed to lunch, it was again a girls only lunch, where Sandra now sat with me due to our bonding. That lunch we all kinda sat around talking for several hours. Michelle was from Main and had just gotten divorced after fertility issues, put a strain on their marriage. Kim was from Canada, she had made her career her life and was now 38 and felt like she was missing out on a family. Sandra's story was that her husband that she had put through medical school by working two jobs had left her for a twenty two year old after nearly twenty years of marriage. She didn't look as old as she was and after all of us talking I felt bad for making fun of her. Most of the women were so nice and I felt we were all bonding and becoming friends, which is maybe something we all needed on top of everything else. The only one not keen on becoming friends was Amber Kincade, the blonde who interrupted Madam the first night and gotten entirely too drunk. \"So Whitney, what brought you here?\" Michelle asked. My smile vanished yet again, but I needed to be able to talk about them. I needed to be able to tell my story without hitting a depression. \"My husband was in a car accident and died almost two year ago,\" I stated, the words left an awful taste in my mouth still. \"Oh I'm sorry,\" they all replied in unison. \"Do you have any children?\" Kim asked. I inhaled, \"My six year old daughter, Greer was with him,\" I stated looking down. They stared at me in complete shock, and then they all did something I didn't expect, they gathered around me and hugged me. I didn't cry instead I thanked them for the warmth and acceptance. \"Enough of this heavy shit,\" Amber said throwing her cigarette, \"Let's go shopping,\" she added and walked out. We all followed because that was the best thing she had to say since we met her, and she had been here before so she knew what she was doing. We grab some beach cruiser bicycles and rode them down to the little tourist town a few miles away, there were men's shop, women's shop, and Amber informed us was a movie theater. We went to a few different women's shops I found some very cute bikinis and a couple other cover ups. We all tried on dresses in another shop and helped each other decide which ones were best. It was like having a group of great friends. Even Amber, who hadn't told us her story, was having a good time and laughing with us all. I ended up with some dress, a couple tank tops, short shorts, cover ups and bikinis. We biked back as they delivered our packages.

That evening I don't know if it was the girls day I had or the pampering that made me feel so comfortable, but I wanted to be sexy again. Which was not the first time since I had Greer but maybe third or fourth. After becoming a mom I just didn't feel like I should be that way in public. I had worn lingerie for Caleb behind closed doors, but not often. That's when it hit me, I sank down in my bed, Caleb and I didn't have much of a sex life after Greer. We were both so focused on her and our careers that we didn't take time for each other. I stopped trying to be sexy, and he didn't seem to mind. A painful memory hit me, a fight we had, I remembered crying his mom had taken Greer for the night and Caleb just sat in his office. I begged him to go out to dinner with me and he had to much work to do, so I ordered take out. I put on a cute dress and he just grabbed his food and went back to his office, tears now streamed down my face. I screamed at him, \"Don't you think I'm sexy anymore?\" He just laughed at me, and told me I was being childish. It's odd how these painful memories disappear in the sight of tragedy. After the funeral I had forgotten the way he made me feel, I only remembered the good. I had put him on a pedestal, frozen in only good memories. I had completely forgotten how inadequate he made me feel after becoming a mom. He told me I was a good mom, but those were the only compliments I could get out of him. I was no longer anything more than the mother of his child, maybe that's why we had never had a second, because he couldn't see me beyond the mother of his child. I now had a chance to be more than a mother. I still loved and grieved for my daughter, I always will, but I didn't just have to be a good mom or a paralegal. I wiped away my tears and splashed my face with cool water, I fixed my hair, I did my make up, sprayed myself with perfume. I went into my closet and found the black scalloped neck mini dress trimmed with lace. I put on some simple black open toed heels that tied up my calf. I felt confident and beautiful, \"Now it's time to see if I'm sexy,\" I muttered to myself with smirk. My guard was outside my door waiting to take me down to dinner, \"I really need to learn your name, if your going to stand outside my door,\" I joked with him. He smiled, \"Miguel, miss,\" he replied. \"Well, Miguel here goes nothing,\" I joked and we walked down the stairs.

He lead me out to the cocktail hour near the pool again, everyone was deep in conversation so I went to the bar to see what tonights drink was, \"Would you like a blueberry mojito,\" the bartender asked. \"Sounds lovely,\" I answered. After getting my drink I walked around, all the girls were chatting with men so I walked around to the left of the building and there was another pergola that looked out over the ocean. The sun was low but not quite setting, \"Beautiful isn't it,\" a familiar deep voice boomed next to me. \"Amazing,\" I said breathing it in. We stood there sipping our drinks and staring off into the ocean, not a word needed to be said. After a few minutes the bell chimed for dinner, \"Shall we,\" he said holding out his hand. I took it, he pulled me close \"You look absolutely stunning,\" he whispered in my ear. I smiled and felt hot all over, he gently kissed my neck just below my ear which sent me into all kinds of dizzy, as we walked back. If he hadn't been holding my hand I would have surely fell. We were once again greeted by Madame welcoming us to dinner at the great table, this time we all fell into conversation so easily. We chatted about funny stories from that day or from home. It was as if we were having a huge holiday dinner with friends. We were waiting for desert to be served, Jack had scooted closer, with his arm on the back of my chair we were chatting when I felt a hand on me knee. I looked and the man on the other side of me had his hand on my knee and was slowly sliding it up. I looked at Jack for some type of help, he looked down and grabbed the mans hand. He quickly turned around, \"Sorry not into a minajatwa,\" Jack whispered. The man pulled his hand away and suggested to his escort he didn't want dessert. They brought out dessert, mini pavlovas, which were delicious as usual. The chefs she had making the food were amazing, I hadn't eaten this good since before Caleb and I were married.

That evening we all decided to go for a dip since it was such a beautiful evening. We changed and were swimming and jumping off the rock formations on either end of the pool. We asked the bartender to turn up the music and we sang along, loudly and terribly, but we all laughed. Around midnight everyone meandered back to their rooms exhausted from today. I brushed my teeth and fell into my bed giggly, I almost couldn't go to sleep. I felt alive for the first time in years. I hadn't realized I was only living for my daughter, with her gone I had to live for me now. I eventually fell asleep to the lull of the ocean waves.