The Stars In Your Eyes

Bai Yutang dragged his luggage out of the apartment. His steps unsteady, a little bit hurried. He doesn't want to spend even one more second here, in this apartment complex. The place he used to call home for this past year.

The sun had not yet risen, only its rays peeked behind the earth. Gives the dusk its golden light, though its brilliance dimmed by the winter fogs. The skies were still painted with dark grey clouds, and the street lamp still shone the park encircling this apartment complex.

Bai Yutang sped his step up, but his heavy luggage slowed him down. The freezing wind blew, scratching the patch of soft skin on his cheek. It hurts, but Bai Yutang could not feel anything right now. He grit his teeth and used all the energy left in his body to drag his luggage.

His red eyes coldly staring at the empty street.. Only a few cars and motorcycles passed him in this cold dawn. Christmas in this country is not a public holiday, but people still holed up in their warm bed after the Christmas Eve's gathering. Bai Yutang waiting for the bus to come and save him from this nightmare.

He didn't sleep at all last night. Busy packing his stuff. He only packs his clothes, laptop, and other important things necessary for him to pass the rest of this semester. He only needs to get through another four weeks for this semester to reach its end.

His red eyes felt cold, and dried. It could not shed any tears, since his inside felt empty right now. All the intense rage and sadness mixed together, and created the void inside his heart. Numbed his feelings. It's good. Better to feel nothing compared to feeling sorry for himself.

The bus finally came, and Bai Yutang lifted his luggage to the back seat. He put his backpack to the empty seat next to him, and his other hand held the luggage, preventing it from rolling down when the bus moved.

Bai Yutang's empty eyes staring at the front, and his mind wandering to the scene a few hours ago. He didn't want to remember it, but he can't help to rewind that painful memory.

After he opened the bedroom door and saw the shadow of his lover entangling with the other, his brain stopped working, and stood there like a fool. Truly a fool. He could not utter any words.

That unknown shadow seemed to hear his movement, and abruptly stood up, separating itself from his lover's shadow. It turns its head and looks at him, who was standing in the door. Frozen like a statue.

That shadow stood up, and walked toward his direction. Bai Yutang abruptly closed the door, and ran to his studio. He locked the door, and leaned his trembling body against the door. His chest heaving, trying to gasp for air, for it seemed to be gone. For the first time in his life he felt this kind of feeling.

Humiliated, just like a clown. An idiot.

There's a sharp pain stabbing his heart, took his breath away. He slammed his own chest with his fist. Try to get the pain inside which clogged and constrict his throat, to go away. He could hear a knock from the door behind him, an unfamiliar voice try to call him.

"Hello, is someone there?"

Bai Yutang didn't answer. He doesn't want to. Bai Yutang waiting until the person outside to walk away from this apartment. He waited until he heard the sound of the door outside opened and closed. When he didn't hear any sound again, he unlocked the door, and peek outside. It seems that person is really gone.

After he was sure that no one was there anymore, he opened the bedroom door slowly and peeked inside. His cold eyes tried to focus on what's inside the bedroom. Prepare his heart. And after he was sure it was only Jian Kang Lu's shadow laid in the bed, he came inside. He stood there in the door, staring at Jian Kang Lu.

He felt like dying inside, never occurring in his mind he will see something like this tonight. Jian Kang Lu, the person he loved the most in the world, dared to bring someone else to their bedroom.

Bai Yutang wants to laugh at himself. 'It was his bedroom', he corrected himself. He was no one, just someone who lived here for free. Leeched on this man.

Bai Yutang didn't even want to turn the light on. He stood there and stared at Jian Kang Lu.

The man he wants to apologise to tonight. 

The man who once filled his world with happiness.

The man he hoped to come back to him as his gentle lover.

But this man shattered his hope, trampled his trust, and destroyed his world.

Bai Yutang didn't know for how many hours he stood there. The pain stabbing his heart grew into agony, leaving him breathless. He doesn't want to be here anymore, for he felt it would truly kill him if he had to face this man again.

His body took control since his brain stopped working. He walked to the closet, and pulled his luggage, filling it with his clothes. After he finished with his clothes, he pulled his luggage and walked out. He took one more look at the man he thought will stay with him until the rest of his life. The sound of Jian Kang Lu's breath softly filled the air, along with the smell of alcohol.

Bai Yutang packed his laptop and his other things in the studio. He despised everything Jian Kang Lu gave him. But his laptop, tablet, phone, and all his personal stuff is the things he got from this man. His old personal stuff was already gone. For all the things Jian Kang Lu gave him that was not important for him right now, he doesn't even want to touch it again and just leave it as it was. 

After he finished, he wanted to leave immediately. But he could not, since the dorm's gate will only opened at 5 am. So he waited, locked himself in the studio until the clock showed him it was already 4 am.

While sitting in the bed, his brain starts to work again.

'Who is that man? Why did Jian Kang Lu bring him back here? If Jian Kang Lu was too drunk, why didn't he call to pick him up? Why could that man get inside this apartment? Why is that man so familiar with this apartment?'

If that man is just a friend who brings Jian Kang Lu back home, he will just leave Jian Kang Lu at the sofa. He doesn't need to bring Jian Kang Lu to his bedroom.

If he was someone close with Jian Kang Lu, he should know that Jian Kang Lu lives together with him here. And he will call for Bai Yutang to help him bring Jian Kang Lu to the room.

But that man didn't do that. He comes inside the apartment, and straightly brings Jian Kang Lu to the bedroom in a short time. It means he was familiar with this apartment, for he knows immediately where Jian Kang Lu's bedroom was.

The apartment door is using a passcode, it didn't need the key. If Jian Kang Lu sober for him to tell this man his passcode, why didn't he even bother to call Bai Yutang when he was going back home. If Jian Kang Lu can't do that, why does this man know the apartment passcode? 

And why, why Jian Kang Lu let this man to throw his coat away, and let this man to hug him on the bed. The bed they used to sleep together everyday. 

Bai Yutang wants to puke. He feels nauseous. For him to imagine the man he used to love touched by another person, it disgusted him. Even when he remembers Jian Kang Lu used to have intimate time with his ex-lover already a hard thing for him. And he can't believe this man dares to let someone else touch him while they're together.

Is it because Jian Kang Lu is mad at him, for him doesn't announce their relationship to his friends? 

Is it because Jian Kang Lu wasn't satisfied with him, since he doesn't let them move on to the next step of their sexual activity? 

Is it because Jian Kang Lu find another man tonight who more attractive compare to him?

Is it because Jian Kang finally Lu realised he was just an ordinary man? Not worthy of someone like him?

Is it because Jian Kang Lu finally got bored with him?

No matter what, Jian Kang Lu should tell him straight in his face. No matter what, Jian Kang Lu should respect his feelings. No matter what, Jian Kang Lu should not bring someone to this apartment, and let that man hug him in front of Bai Yutang's eyes.

Bai Yutang wants to laugh to remember his foolishness. How pathetic. He even cooked that unfinished apple pie as a peaceful offer for that man. He even wants to throw his pride to beg for forgiveness. He even stayed late, waiting for that man, and hoped that man kissed him like he used to, make love to him like they used to.

Love him, like Jian Kang Lu used to.

The woman's voice from the bus automatic announcement startled Bai Yutang. It announced that they will arrive at T university dorms soon. Bai Yutang hurriedly stood up, and prepared to go down. He doesn't know where he could stay from now on. He planned to go to Liu Xiang and Tang Yuxuan's dorm first.

He didn't know what excuse he would tell them once he arrived. But he doesn't care. As long as he leaves that apartment, anywhere is fine. Maybe he could apply for a dorm room again, and while waiting for the dorm room he could stay in Tang Yuxuan and Liu Xiang's room first. Or he could rent the apartment around here, he only needs one month. After that, he will go back home. 

The skies still painted with dark grey clouds, and his future seems vague. Cloudy and foggy. Just like this morning on Christmas day. The winter with freezing cold wind, hazy with grey fog. 

But he only needs one more year until he graduates. He can survive. No matter what, he has to survive.

Life must go on, even without the man he used to love.