The Stars In Your Eyes

Bai Yutang wants to walk away too, but it will be very awkward since he will still stay in Liu Xiang and Tang Yuxuan's dorm room. He can't help to hate this man even more. What he wants to achieve by disturbing him in front of his friends like this? And does he not have anything to do on new year's eve? Shouldn't he spend it with that man?

Bai Yutang wanted to run away, but his feet were stuck in the ground. He waited for this man behind him say what he want to say. But even after few minutes passed, this man say nothing. And it just flame his rage furthermore.

"What do you want?"

Bai Yutang wants to get back to the dorm as soon as possible, this winter night wind is his nemesis. If he spends too much time in the below zero weather like tonight, he easily catches a cold. And a student who will have his final exam in one more week doesn't have any privilege to get sick.

Most of all, he doesn't want to spend his time with this man. This is the first time he has felt this kind of feeling.. Mad, sad, but also wants to move his body closer to this man he hates so much. Longing for his embrace. 

Bai Yutang is really afraid he'll give up with Jian Kang Lu pursuing him like this. Make him once more felt that he was wanted, loved, adored.

"Why…?"

Bai Yutang thought he had misheard Jian Kang Lu. 'Why? Why did this man ask him why? It should be him who asked why?' Since he doesn't understand, Bai Yutang didn't answer. Once again the silence wrapped them with its darkness. 

Bai Yutang really thinks they will spend the whole night like this. So he decided just to walk away. For each moment he spends more time with this man, the more his heart throbs from pain. Ache from yearning.

Suddenly the man behind him hugged him from behind. His warm breath brushing his ear with a dark tone. A tone Bai Yutang never heard before.

"Why? WHY??? At least tell me the reason in front of my face. Do you…"

Before Jian Kang Lu finished his sentence, Bai Yutang already shoved him hard. What is this man thinking? Hugged him like this in the street? Does he want to shout to everyone that Bai Yutang was the man he used to sleep with? That Bai Yutang is a cut sleeve? A stupid cut sleeve he could toyed with? Why does he want to do that when he plays around with someone else? Why does this man want to make him suffer more?

"I told you, we're over. What the hell are you thinking? Hugged me like that? Which part of my words that you don't understand? Stop bothering me!"

Bai Yutang felt his body, accustomed to Jian Kang Lu's embrace, responded with that hug. As if a drug addict who suffered from withdrawal symptoms got to taste that forbidden substance once more. As if frozen ice sheathed his heart melted with that just one touch.

If he doesn't release himself, he's afraid he'll just hug Jian Kang Lu back, and ask him to love him back like they used to. And it was impossible, since he'll just suffer from those haunting memories. Trust Jian Kang Lu no more.

And it will just hurt them both, hurt him more.

Bai Yutang didn't even want to see this man's face when he shoved him hard. He abruptly turns back and just walks away. He could hear this man behind him following him, so Bai Yutang just ran. Run away.

He was already in the dorm's yard, which was empty for the students who were either out to celebrate new year's eve, going back to their hometown, or holed up in their warm room studying for exams.

Suddenly the man behind him just grabbed him hard, and brutally kissed him. In the middle of this dark yard. The lights from the lamp post flickering under the winter fog. And the wind blew, formed the icicle enveloping tree branches, piercing the frozen earth.

Bai Yutang punched the man who pushed his lips towards his own, but this man didn't budge even an inch. He kicked, but no use. His breath even stopped, for this man just devoured his lips in the way he never done before.

Bai Yutang's instinct to return that unfamiliar kiss almost surged, for he missed this man's lips too. But he felt the pain inside his heart stung once more, for the shadows he saw that night once more flashed through his eyes.

Bai Yutang bite those lips who are roughly prying inside his mouth. And he punched harder. And it worked. Jian Kang Lu released him, and wiped the blood from his own lips, while staring at him. Bai Yutang truly wanted to shout at this man, his rage welled up, his eyes stung. It hurts, so much. 

His tears started to swell up in the corner of his eyes. For he loved this man too much, the pain he felt even greater than he could handle. In the end, he can't shout. Since he felt he really will cry here in front of this despicable man. And it will hurt his pride even more.

"I hate you."

Bai Yutang utters every syllable with his hatred. Then he walked away, and ran to the entrance.

Once he arrived outside the dorm's room door, his breath was still heavy. His chest rapidly moved up and down. He tried to calm himself, for the last thing he wanted was for his friends to see him crying because of that jerk.

He was just standing there. Lost in time, since his feelings won't calmed down at all. He jumped in surprised when he felt a hand tapped his shoulder. Afraid it was that jerk who followed him here.

But it was Liu Xiang's hand. He thought Tang Yuxuan and Liu Xiang were already inside the room. Why are they outside? But he really can't utter any words, since his throat choked, trying to hold his tears back.

"Why are you not coming inside? It's very cold." Liu Xiang's tone is cheerful, like nothing happened tonight. Like Jian Kang Lu never showed up. Like he didn't see anything weird tonight.

Bai Yutang nodded, and followed both of them inside. He took a hot shower, and said to them he wanted to sleep early. Didn't want to wait for the celebration welcoming the new year ahead.

He couldn't sleep, but he didn't move his body, and just wrapped himself with the warm blanket. Try to hide himself from all this agony. 

And that's how he spent every night following after that in his new room, with his new room mate. Pretending to sleep every night, or just studying for his final exams. Luckily his new room mate was not a man with many words. He also needs to study for his exams. Both of them getting along in a short time. 

Jian Kang Lu never showed up again until Bai Yutang finished his exams and prepared to go back to his hometown.

Did he call? Did he send him a message? Bai Yutang will never know, since he blocked Jian Kang Lu. He walked from his dorm, ready to go to the train station. After all the stress from his exams lifted, he felt something weird sprouting inside his mind.

Why there's small part of him, hoping Jian Kang Lu will appear in front of him once again? Wish Jian Kang Lu knows that he has already finished his exam and will be going back to his hometown. Expecting that man will apologise to him once more, and take him back to his happy place.

Bai Yutang know he was stupid for thinking that way. But even though he scolds himself several times for his foolishness, his eyes can't help wandering around. Yearned for Jian Kang Lu's appearance in the corner of his sight.

Bai Yutang could only stare at the street sight in the taxi. Stare to the scenery outside his window in the train. Stare at the W city's bustling street when he took a taxi back to his childhood house. All those familiar sights seem bizarre right now. He felt his pain inside was slowly replaced with a hollow.

Bai Yutang tried his best to spend his holiday as usual. Talk to his mom, talk to his sister, help them to prepare the Chinese New Year. Act like nothing happened. He spent his days in emptiness. 

Bai Yutang tried to numb his feelings, telling himself so many times that all of this misery will be over someday. Gone. And he could spend his days in happiness once more. Though he doesn't know when.

"I'm sorry, MeiMei. I need to prepare myself for my final year. I can't work. So i need to reduce your monthly allowance."

His sister just nodded her head, smiled at him and told him not to worry. She could survive with 1500 yuan per month, it's not a big deal. Bai Yutang feels bad for his sister, but they really need to get through this year with their tight budget.

Since he won't receive any help from Jian Kang Lu again.

The hardest part for him is cooking for his mother and his sister. Every time he cooked, he always thought about Jian Kang Lu.

How Jian Kang Lu will do grocery shopping with him, and randomly stuffed many things inside their shopping cart. "Let's try this brand. Oh, they have fresh Chinook salmons. Can my baby cook the salmon steak like last week? I love it so much."

How Jian Kang Lu will stare at him when he serves their dinner. "I'm so lucky to have a man as handsome as you, and very kind, to be my lover."

How Jian Kang Lu will clean everything he cooked, and tease him with his sparkling eyes. "Mmmh, today's soup is very tasty! Did you learn a new recipe? But all the things you cooked are always the best. Is it because you cook it with love?"

How Jian Kang Lu tied his monthly anniversary gift, an apron, to his neck. That slender hand brushed his neck softly, and his warm breath whispered with a deep voice. "As your request, this month's anniversary gift is under 100 yuan." They spend a long night after that, with that new apron.

Because of that, he makes many mistakes with his cooking. His sister teased him in the beginning. "Woah, are you sure you're not working because of your final year? Or is it because Jian Ge fired you as his cook? This chicken soup tastes weird, Gege." 

Bai Yuren laughed when she said that. Bai Yutang only tried to smile and laugh along with his sister. But his hollow heart bleed once more when he heard the word 'Jian Ge fired you.'

Surprisingly, his sister never made any comment afterwards about his cooking's taste, no matter how peculiar it tastes. Even weirder when his sister wants to cook instead of pestering Bai Yutang, not allowing him to touch the kitchen anymore once February comes.

"Gege, I want to learn how to cook too. I'm a woman, eventually I'll need to cook for my husband." That's what Bai Yuren said to him. So Bai Yutang helped his sister who used to despise the kitchen, learn cooking. She almost burned down their house on her first attempt. But slowly she could replace Bai Yutang's role as the main chef of their house.

At first, on his first week back to the house, his mother and his sister asked him how Jian Kang Lu was doing. Whether that man will visit them again like last year? And that many small questions were thrown, just pricked his hollow heart every day. 

"Jian Ge is very busy lately, he won't visit us this year."

'He won't visit us again. Ever.'

But those questions only last for one week. After that, he never heard his sister nor his mother asking about Jian Kang Lu ever again. They only talk about trivial things, and also spend their time staying over at Bai Yutang's grandparent's house.

One night before he was going back to B city for his new semester, Bai Yutang stared at his phone. He can't sleep, stares at that screen.

Blocked Contacts

Previously, the pain came from his hurting heart. From his shattered trust. But now, his pain comes from his longing. For he missed to hear that voice once more. For he missed to see that face once more.

But he deleted all their messages. He deleted all their pictures. 

'Gege… I missed you so much…'