The Stars In Your Eyes

Jian Kang Lu didn't know how he came back to the apartment that night. He took his sleeping pill and closed his eyes. He laid down in his cold bed, while Tang Yuxuan's words repeated in his mind.

'Stop harassing him. Stop bothering him. TangTang told us everything. You're really disgusting.'

'TangTang told us everything. You're really disgusting.'

'You're really disgusting.'

'Disgusting..'

'Disgusting.'

'Disgusting.'

Jian Kang Lu smiled. How stupid he was. He laughed when he remembered all his acts in the last one week. Abandon his duty in the hospital. Drown in sorrow. Following Bai Yutang the whole day. Stalking is the exact word. He's so stupid. Stupid and pathetic.

No, no. The exact word is disgusting.

He can't even refute Tang Yuxuan's accusation because it was all true. He was harassing Bai Yutang. Why the hell did he do that? Kiss someone without concern? In the public area. No wonder Bai Yutang told his friends that he was disgusting. 

In the deepest part of his heart, he felt something so painful he never felt before. What did Bai Yutang tell his friend about them until his friends hated him so? Does Bai Yutang ever love him? Truly love him? Did all those loving acts Bai Yutang showed to him were all lies? It was just because he was using Bai Yutang's weakness?

Even he can't deny that. Because he knew the dark part of him truly wanted to tie Bai Yutang with money and gratitude. No matter if he wanted to defend himself by saying it was because of love, but if the other person didn't love him back, then it was called using Bai Yutang's weakness to get what he wants.

'TangTang, did you ever love me? For real?'

'TangTang, did you really think I was harassing you?'

'TangTang, did you really think I was disgusting?'

'TangTang, did you ever feel happy because of me?'

'TangTang, is it all just a lie?'

'TangTang, maybe you're right. Let's stop…'

— — —

"Morning Doctor Jian. How's your vacation?"

Jian Kang Lu softly smiled, "Morning, it was good. I believe my patient is not a lot today. How's your new year?"

The nurse grinned, "You have five patients and six consultation patients. We were watching the fireworks on new year's eve here on the hospital roof. It was marvellous."

"What? I just came back from vacation, why so many?"

The nurse laughed, "Once they know you'll be back to work today, all the consultation last night was directed to you."

Jian Kang Lu helplessly smiled, "From which department?"

"Three from the cardiology department, one from orthopaedic, one from the digestive, and one from oncology."

Jian Kang Lu studied the patient's chart, and then visited the patients. These 11 patients are new patients for him. So he needs to carefully re-examine them, decide the initial treatment and examination. He spent more than one hour in this VIP ward.

The two nurses attend to him and write the instruction Jian Kang Lu gave to them. They like to attend Jian Kang Lu. He joked with them, and didn't treat them like his subordinates. The way Jian Kang Lu talks and gives instruction just like talking to his doctor's colleague. Respect them. No wonder he got many patients.

This actually happened every time Doctor Jian finished his vacation. For VIP wards, he was the doctor who got most patient consultation from other departments. Because he was famous for visiting patients in the morning, and visiting them almost everyday. So if the doctor in charge can't visit them that day, at least Doctor Jian already visited the patient and will treat them accordingly.

Jian Kang Lu moved to another ward, and greeted the nurses there with a smile.

"Doctor Jian, you look a bit thinner after vacation. Where did you go?"

"Really? My diet works then. I didn't go anywhere, just want to use my leave or else it will expire again."

The nurses laughed, "Why do you need to diet Doctor Jian? You'll look more handsome if you gain a bit of weight."

"Do you want me to become like Doctor Yang? Is that what young girls like nowadays?"

The nurses laughed again, since Yang Haoyu is famous for his big belly. "Yes please! We want to see Doctor Jian with a big belly. We're getting bored to see your flat stomach!"

At noon, the nephrology department had a presentation from his resident. A case report about bilateral ureteral stenosis with hydronephrosis as the first manifestation of Wegener's granulomatosis. Jian Kang Lu gave the resident presenting the case few input and critics before praising him for his good work.

In the afternoon he was in the clinic. It's been more than one week since he closed his practice. Today he opened his patient's limit more than usual. He needs something to dull his own feelings.

"Doctor Jian, why do you look thinner after your vacation?" Nurse Yu asked him after they finished at 8.40 pm.

"Emm? Maybe my diet works. By the way, I'm sorry to make you girls going home late at night today."

"That's okay, Doctor Jian. But please don't go on a diet, you already look okay."

Jian Kang Lu smiled, "But my belly lately lost its shape. Even if i told that the trend now is a belly like Yang Haoyu, i still don't want to buy new pants because of my belly."

Nurse Yu laughed, "Nooo, don't believe those wicked trends. Your belly is just okay. My belly is the problem here."

That's how Jian Kang Lu spent his days. Back to work, work, and work. He doesn't know he needs to feel remorse about his previous decision to bring Bai Yutang to his Saturday round, or to cherish it as part of his happy memories. The nurses asked him, and he told them that Bai Yutang needed to prepare for his final year.

His apartment felt like hell for him now. A frozen hell. He saw Bai Yutang everywhere. He tried to put all Bai Yutang's belongings inside the boxes and hide them in the guest room. 

At first he wanted to send it to Bai Yutang back, but then he noticed all of it was the things he bought for him. Watch, belt, tie, clothes, shoes, suit, even the apron and the 3D printer also left behind. It was no use to send it to Bai Yutang. These things didn't mean anything for him.

Jian Kang Lu also put their matched plates, mug, cups. Even he put away all the cooking utensils in his apartment. It was really painful, because he keeps seeing Bai Yutang's image in the kitchen. Cooking for him, serving him food. Kissed him there.

He smells Bai Yutang's everywhere. He changed all the bedsheets, even his soap and shampoo. But those soft musk with a hint of cedar wood underneath was enveloping him once he stepped his foot inside his apartment.

He can't stop himself to torture himself every night. Looking at Bai Yutang's picture. Their picture. They looked so happy there. This can't be a lie, right? And then he had the urge to call Bai Yutang. But then he remembered that he was blocked.

Besides, he needs to stop himself. Stop ruining himself, and stop bothering Bai Yutang. Jian Kang Lu already erased the tracking application. He doesn't want to be a disgusting stalker.

At first, Jian Kang Lu thought if he torture himself, the pain will numbed along the time passing by. Just like years ago. But years ago, he didn't have this hallucination bothering him. And after one month passed depending on the sleeping pills, he knew this is not healthy for his mental state.

In the middle of February, his hallucination is getting worse. He kept seeing Bai Yutang greet him home.

'Gege, you're home. Why so late today? A lot of patients?'

He kept seeing Bai Yutang sit in the living room.

'Gege, come. Let's watch this together. I made some snacks for you. I try a new recipe today. How does it taste? Good?'

He kept seeing Bai Yutang cooking in the kitchen.

'Gege, just wait for a moment. Why don't you take a shower first? I still need to fry this eggplant.'

He kept seeing Bai Yutang in the bedroom.

'Gege, i love you so much.'

He notice that he drinks every Saturday night. Last week he met his friends on Song Lixia's birthday. Their friends didn't ask him anything when he answered their question about Bai Yutang's whereabouts with a smile.

He could not say that they broke up. He also didn't know why. Maybe there's a tiny part of himself that hopes they'll get back together again. At the party he drank a lot, but he didn't get drunk.

His friend notices that he exceeds his usual tolerance but still looks fine. Sun Hongjia tapped his shoulder. "Brother, did you drink every week again?"

Looking at Jian Kang Lu's smile, Sun Hongjia toast him. "Invite me next week, it was no fun drinking alone at home."

"Sure. Let's go to M lounge. I enjoy their piano over there."

Sun Hongjia nodded to hear Jian Kang Lu. "Don't drink alone. You have brothers here that gladly spend their weekend without children. You know you're our best reason to escape."

Jian Kang Lu knows he needs to stop. He never thought, for Bai Yutang's sake he reached the point he felt he was going insane. So he bravely came to consult about his hallucination to his psychiatric friend in another hospital.

His friend suggested he change his environment. Jian Kang Lu already analysed himself, but he needs a second opinion. So once his friend suggested the same thing with what's on his mind, he agreed. 

In the end of February, Jian Kang Lu moved out from his apartment. He rents a studio apartment near the hospital. It didn't help his insomnia, he still needs sleeping pills. But at least he stopped hallucinating. Even though the pain is still there, it was better.

Months passed. Bai Yutang's birthday also passed, he should turn 23 years old now. Jian Kang Lu smiled to look at their picture taken on Bai Yutang's birthday last year. He wished Bai Yutang for happiness. 

He would be a liar if he said he didn't feel resentment at all. But he tried to push those malicious thoughts. Those won't help him at all. The person he should resent is himself. For hurting Bai Yutang. And for being a stupid person who push that man. Using his kindness, and his weakness. Bai Yutang deserves a normal life. He deserves to have his birthday with smiles, with his friends, or maybe with a new girlfriend. 

On Friday, April 26th, Jian Kang Lu was in his practice room when Nurse Li announced that this will be his last patient. The clock shows 8.35 pm. When Jian Kang Lu looked at the patient's chart, he froze. It was a familiar name to him. A name he adored so much, even until now.

When the patient came inside, Jian Kang Lu almost dropped the chart. He stared at that skinny young man come inside his practice room. Look at those familiar soft and silky hair, that pair of phoenix eyes, that white jade face. The face he stares everyday in his phone. The face that haunted his dream. The face he hallucinated everyday before he moved out from his apartment.

"Gege…"