The Stars In Your Eyes

Bai Yutang fell asleep in the chair. He's so tired today. The last time he came home to get enough rest was three days ago. That time, his father finally opened his eyes even though still no movement can be seen from the rest of his body.

His whole family shed tears from happiness. This kind of tears have been absent in the family since one month ago, when his father collapsed and was treated in the hospital. The light on their face that has been dimmed since, comes back to illuminating from inside their heart.

When Bai Yutang found his father's eyes opened from the heavy eyelid, he shed tears from his relieved heart. The tears that have been welled up this whole month, pouring like waterfalls. He just realised how much he loves his father, and never ever wants to lose him.

He's crying while gripping his father's hand tight, and kissing his cheek. He's crying while putting his head on his father's hand.. Telling his father the gratefulness he felt for his father's hard work to come back to them.

That's also the first time his mother and his sister saw him cry in the hospital. But Bai Yutang can't hold it. He's just really happy and relieved. He prays his father will get well soon and go home together with them again.

The doctors said that Bai Haoran's lung seems to be functioning better than last time. So they will reduce the ventilator and put it into the SIMV mode. It means the ventilator only works with the patient's own breath. But when the patient didn't breath in time, the ventilator will push the oxygen on to the lung. If it went well and the machine didn't have to work much, they will reduce the mode again and finally release the ventilator.

August will be here soon. The sun scorching outside made people holed up inside their home. Bai Yutang didn't care about the summer's humidity, which he usually hates. He just feels happy that his father finally opened his eyes.

Three days ago, his mother told him to go home and get enough rest. His mother wants to stay in the hospital, in case his father truly wakes up and wants to talk with her. She wants to be there when her husband is looking for her.

Bai Yutang rested well, and he also cancelled the August trip to S city. He told his friends that his father is sick and hospitalised. When they found out that his father hospitalised one month ago they were disappointed that Bai Yutang didn't tell them, although they didn't show it. They just ask, why he didn't tell them sooner. 

Bai Yutang is also pondering, why? He didn't really need to hide this fact. At that time he only thought of calling Jian Ge, since he's a doctor. But he didn't really need to tell his friend. Maybe he's just afraid that if he tells them, it will become a curse.

Or maybe, he just doesn't want people to see his own weakness.

Yesterday, he told his mother to come home and rest. Her mother really will get sick if she keeps sleeping in that hospital chair. Even Bai Yutang feels his whole body is really tired and his back constantly aches this last week.

His mother finally agreed. Bai Yutang was glad that he had a friend like Jian Ge, who always accompanied him. Sometimes they play games together, sometimes they chat until late at night, and sometimes Jian Ge calls him, accompany him until he sleeps. This hard and cold chair in the ICU lounge was a bit warmer with Jian Ge's soothing voice.

Bai Yutang awoken from the tap in his shoulder. He opened his eyes, and tried to focus on the person in front of him. It was the nurse from the ICU room. She looks anxious, and her face shows sympathy.

Bai Yutang's heart dropped instantly. He immediately woke up, and heard the nurse saying, "Mr. Bai, we're sorry to tell you that your father's condition is worsening this dawn. His heart having an arrest and his lungs won't work. We're currently doing the heart resuscitation inside, but we need the family consent to continue the resuscitation.

Bai Yutang's mind turns into a mess. What does she mean by arrest? What does she mean by resuscitation? He still feels he is trapped in a nightmare and follows the nurse inside. He heard the brief explanation from the doctor inside and the nurse, but none of these words actually reached his ear.

He just said, "Please save my father." And he signed the consent.

He walks outside. In the process of resuscitation, the nurses told him that it's best not to see and let the other family members know about this immediately. Preparing for the worst.

Bai Yutang saw the clock, it's 4.45 in the morning. He called his mom, his sister, and his uncle. He didn't say anything to his mom. He just said that he's not feeling good and needs her to come here immediately.

He only told the truth to his uncle. He's afraid if he told the truth to his mom and his sister, they will rashly come and he's afraid something bad will happen due to that.

He dropped his body on the chair, and stared silently to the door. Nothing comes to his mind. He still can't believe it. Maybe this is just a nightmare from this uncomfortable chair. Maybe he will wake up soon and his father is already awake, calling his name again.

Or maybe this whole thing is a nightmare. And when he woke up, his father was still the big mountain protecting him with a warm smile, waving at him from the dining table. Told him to eat a lot today since his mother cooked his favourite egg toast and Yangzhou fried rice.

So he just waited there. Staring in silence.

The doctor comes out, saying that they did manage to get the heart beat again. But the condition is still bad. Bai Yutang wants to ask many things, but he also doesn't know what he wants to ask.

He just said, "Thank you doctor..."

The doctor is still young. He's an anaesthesiologist resident on duty. He already knows that this patient is special. He's a family member of Doctor Jian from B hospital. Every resident here surely wants to have residency there, or having a job there after their residency. The top hospital for kidney treatment, and listed as the top 10 best hospital in the country.

He doesn't want to lose any patient in his duty time. Professor Lu as the intensive care department head will count the death number here as black star. If you have ten black stars, you will have extra presentation or extra night duty as punishment.

If you have twenty black stars, your progress will halt. It's a nightmare for a resident if you can't progress. It also reduces your value when you finish residency. And all ICU patients are living humans on the verge of their death door.

But, he really doesn't want to have black star from this patient. His sweat from resuscitating the heart still drenched wetting his back. He doesn't know how many CPR cycles he had done tonight to get the heart back to beat. He wished morning would come soon so he can finish his duty and transfer this heavy responsibility to his friend.

Bai Yutang's mom and sister come at 5. 30 in the morning. They ask him whether he's sick. His mom put her hands on his forehead. "You're not having any fever. But you look so pale. Do you want to go home? Take some medicine."

Bai Yutang just shook his head. He just said that his stomach feels not good. His sister was looking for hot tea outside for him. His mother kneading his head and his shoulder. They sat there in silence.

After drinking some hot tea, Bai Yutang still feels nauseous. He really feels unwell. This whole emotional roller coaster made him want to puke. At 6.30 his uncle and his grandparents come.

His paternal grandfather looks pale and skinny. His eyes red from the tears he holds up. There's no parents in this world who want to see their own child dying before them. And his son is still young. Not even 50 years old! He'lll turn 50 this year. What kind of parents want to bury their only son before them.

Lu Hua looks at her little brother with a suspicious face. Why does her little brother bring all the parents here? But Bai Yutang already told his uncle not to say anything to his mom. He's afraid that if her mother knows, it will only add her worry and sadness.

At 7.30 in the morning, the different doctor from this morning comes out, and says that his father's heart stops beating again and they do all they can inside to get him back. His mother looked at the doctor in horror and collapsed on the chair.

Bai Yutang just nodded and said the same line before. "Please save my father."

His uncle and his maternal grandparents hold her mom and turn her back to consciousness. She starts to wail loudly and wants to go inside. His uncle held her, and her grandparents too.

They cried together and told his mother to be strong. They only need to pray here. If she goes inside, she'll only distract the doctors trying to save her husband.

With a howl that sounded like a slaughtered animal, her mother was still weeping but didn't try to run inside anymore. Bai Yutang just closed his eyes and prayed to every God he knew.

At 8 o'clock the doctor comes out again and they said the heart is back to beat. But the family needs to prepare for the worst. Because the heart beat is unstable. Bai Yutang nodded.

The other family in the ICU lounge look at them with sympathy. All of them didn't want to be the family that received bad news from the doctor. They also pray that this family could return with their beloved one, alive and well.

None of Bai Yutang's family members stepped out from the lounge. None of them remember to look for breakfast. None of them are feeling hungry.

His mother's eyes still shed her tears. Her eyes swollen, and her pale lips trembling from that whimpering sound. His sister already stopped crying, but her swollen eyes are still red and she keeps holding Bai Yutang's hand. She just leaned her head into Bai Yutang's shoulder. Looking for some comfort and strength left from the only family member she can hang on to now.

The sun outside was scorching hot. Pouring all the energy left in this summer to the earth. The burning sun releasing hot waves from last month will continue until next month. It's like preparing the trees and the flower below to start withering soon. Birds even stop chirping and hide from this bright blazing sun. Leaving the world into silence.

But inside this lounge, the silence comes from the cold and anxious heart of this grieving people. The summer never felt this cold for Bai Yutang. The scorching sun can't even melt the freezing heart he felt inside. He felt his hand cold and lost all his energy inside. No sounds could be heard in his desolate world.

At 9.45 on Sunday morning, July 30th… His father passed away.