The Villainess and I, her Zombie

A group of travelers entered the tavern during the busy evening.

They were a rather odd bunch, they even had an undead child with them, and said child was wearing knee-high boots on high hills even though it was a male.

Similarly, the freckled young girl with blood-red hair wearing a crimson dress and shining black loafers that didn't suit the dress's style, and a purse, was standing out rather considerably, taking into account that she was holding a bloodied piece of wood.

Every patron's attention was focused on the new faces, especially the young ones.

Yet as soon as the tall woman in the back of the group pulled down her hood, that attention shifted solely to her.

The jet-black hair cascaded down her body all the way to her waist, she had an almost perfect, somehow unearthly beautiful face with somehow sharp but gentle features, although her most prominent part was her long pointy ears, twitching slightly.

Everyone became instantly enamored as the whole tavern momentarily became some mystical magical forest.

"Fuck me, this place looks actually fucking nice!"

But all that charm disappeared as soon as the beauty opened her mouth and spoke.

"The fuck are you all looking at?"

She frowned and raised her hand.

At the top of her shining palm, the air ignited suddenly and became a crackling fireball.

"Adventurer's business, fuck off."

She scoffed and everyone looked away in panic.

"That should make things easier. Thanks, Lairs."

The rat-faced man that seemed to be the group's spokesperson gave the foul-mouthed beauty a thumbs up and in response she smirked and closed her palm, making the fireball disappear.

"You're fucking welcome, Shan-shan."

The group approached the tavern's counter and after a talk with the owner, a table was prepared just for them.

Cranberry put her baseball bat against her chair and stretched in a very unladylike fashion.

"Must be annoying, making everyone scared so that they won't approach you. Elves have it tough, huh?"

She asked looking at Lairs sitting as far away from her as possible.

"..."

But the mage wasn't keen on engaging in a conversation with her and turned her face towards the wall.

"Y-young miss, I apologize for her, she's still a bit angry for you know what..."

Shanks bowed before Cranberry and apologized.

"What...? Oh! You mean she has a problem that I killed that audacious healer of yours? Why? They didn't seem close."

Cranberry leaned back in her chair and tilted her head curiously.

*WHAM*

"And when the fuck did you learned so much about her, huh?! Before or after you blew her fucking head off?!"

Lairs slammed her fist against the table and shouted at Cranberry.

"Oh? Did I touch a sore spot? You had a crush on her or something?"

Cranberry laughed cheerfully which caused Lairs to stare at her with murderous intent.

...which caused Zombie to activate his skills and glare at Lairs...

"Listen, she wanted to steal my Zombie using some weird skill. What was I supposed to do? Not kill her and let her try to take him away from me? Are you serious? You know what my family name is, right?"

Cranberry raised her brow and asked.

"...fuck you..."

Lairs murmured without sparing her a single glance.

"That said... How are you all faring without a healer in your group?"

Cranberry wondered and turned to other Dandelions.

"Well, since we can't really trust anyone except the ones here, we couldn't hire a helper or recruit a new person."

Shanks sighed heavily and waved his hand.

"Oh, yeah, you gained a lot of fame for claiming our subjugations as your own."

Cranberry nodded absentmindedly and started rummaging through her purse.

"And I wouldn't say we don't have a healer either..."

Shanks rubbed his neck and looked at Lairs who stopped staring at the wall and instead was stealing sneaky glances at the busty blond waitress tending to the patrons.

"True, true, elves are supposed to have a certain advantage with learning magic."

Cranberry shrugged and ended up pulling out a worn-out book with a corny title 'A good wife' and opened it on the bookmarked page.

"So all well that ends well, I guess..."

She mumbled and started reading without a shred of hesitation.

"Zombie, you order for me."

She added while flipping the page.

"Graough! (You can leave it to me!)"

The blue boy puffed out his chest proudly and saluted, which caused a bit of concern to the Dandelions.

"...how will he order anything with groans...?"

Rotte put a hand to his mouth and whispered at others.

"Fuck if I care."

"Maybe they think this tavern has a menu like some high-class restaurant...?"

Lairs scoffed, but Uresha had her own idea.

"...I kind of want to see how he'll manage if the waitress won't suggest anything, it was quite fun to watch him struggle in the previous tavern..."

Even Shanks seemed curious.

All four of them exchanged glances and nodded at the same time.

"I think we're due for some petty payback... Uresha, don't break and help him this time."

The rat-faced man rubbed his neck, the wound he got when taken as a hostage got healed by Lairs, but the cold words of the red-haired girl were still fresh in his mind.

"I'll try..."

Uresha fidgeted and murmured bashfully.

After the course of action was decided the Dandelions leaned back on their seats and waited patiently.

Although it was a busy evening, the waitress approached them almost immediately.

"Hello, what's your order? Today we're recome..."

"We're taking it. And beer, for all of us adults, that is."

Rotte interrupted her in the middle of the sentence and put an order for all his party members.

"Don't be a rude fucking pig, Rotte, at least ask us what we want to drink!"

Lairs scoffed and glared at him.

"Then, what do you want to drink?"

Rotte's brows shoot up and he looked at her with bewilderment.

"Ah...! Um... well... b-beer..."

The mage flinched and blushed a little.

"But it wouldn't fucking kill you to ask...! A-and be nicer to the pretty miss, will you?!"

It seemed that her true motive leaked out a bit.

"Alright, so, four specials with beer and for... um...?"

The waitress nodded but got quite stumped with how she should address the young girl and the blue-skinned child.

"Right, right, go on, tell the miss what you two want."

Rotte happily encouraged the boy.

"...!"

Zombie flinched and became troubled, while three out of four Dandelions were already trembling from holding back the laughter.

But then Zombie smirked and pulled out a stack of neatly written notes.

"Oh, you fucking...!"

Lairs frowned and cursed under her breath.

Meanwhile, Zombie shuffled through the notes, and after finding one he was looking for, he stood up and handed it to the waitress.

The disappointed Dandelions sighed simultaneously.

The blond girl looked at it confused for a few seconds and then blushed.

"I'm terribly sorry, I-I'm not that good with reading...!"

The girl bowed and apologized.

"Pffft...! Ahahaha! Isn't that perfect!"

"Oh, no! What will you do now...? Your master will have to go hungry!"

Rotte and Lairs busted into laughter while Shanks was discreetly chuckling and Uresha fidgeted looking upset.

"I-I'm terribly sorry!"

The embarrassed waitress apologized again.

"Ah! No, no! Don't mind that! It's his own fucking incompetence..."

*CRUSH*

"KYAH!"

"!!!"

As soon as the insult left Lairs's mouth, the table that they were all sitting by got smashed into pieces, and the waitress screamed and fell on her butt in the rain of splinters.

"You. Are you the only staff member here? Someone here has to know how to read right? Just give the note to them. And get us a new table."

Cranberry shrugged her shoulders without looking up from her book and put her baseball bat back down while everyone else, except Zombie, gulped down their saliva in dead silence.