To Kiss An Idol

232 The Panic Attack

Nivritti sighed while washing her hands and came out of the bathroom. Kyung-Soo was standing at the door waiting for her.

“What?” asked Nivritti.

“Don’t you need help to walk?” he asked.

“Yeah, I do.”

“Okay! What is he doing?” asked Him-Chan and pointed at the balcony. Young-Chul was now knelt down on the floor with his hands over his chest and stomach.

“Help me, now,” shouted Nivritti and Kyung-Soo instantly took her to the balcony. All ran behind her to help Young-Chul. Nivritti sat before him cross-legged as it was impossible for her to kneel. For a few seconds, she said nothing, she did nothing just kept staring at Young-Chul.

Everyone surrounded Young-Chul and saw that he was breathing heavily. He was unable to catch his breath no matter how hard he inhaled or exhaled. It was clear that something was bothering his chest and his stomach, and he held both parts of his body as tightly as possible. The back of his neck was wet and sweat was constantly dripping down his body.

“What is happening?” shouted Jeong-Eun.

“Is he in pain?” asked Thae.

.....

“MY Hyung, say something,” pleaded Jung-Hwa.

“Youngie, Youngie, what is the problem, tell us,” shouted Kyung-Soo.

Every person standing near him kept shouting and pleading with him to tell them what was bothering him. But one person was focused on Nivritti and that was Korain. He kept staring at her face trying to figure out why she was not saying anything or doing anything. Finally, he realised that she was accessing the situation.

“Help him, do something, please,” begged Korain. “Just like last time, please help him,” he shouted.

“SHUT UP, ALL OF YOU!!” shouted Nivritti. “Everyone, step back, give him space. In fact, move as far as possible. MOVE, move, move!!”

Immediately everyone backed off and ran to the door. But no one wanted to go inside so they all huddled near the door.
Nivritti moved her hands forward but before touching Young-Chul, she warned him, “MY! I am going to touch you. Do you hear me? I will touch you now.” Slowly she placed her hand over his palm and held it tightly.

“I am dying, I am dying, help me,” cried Young-Chul with a shuddering breath.

“No, you are not dying. Look at me, look at me, MY,” Young-Chul slightly raised his head and looked at her. “Whatever you are thinking, whatever you are feeling will pass. You are not dying, you are having a panic attack. Do you understand me? You are having a panic attack.”

“Why does it feel like I am having a heart attack? Here,” he placed her hand on his chest. “See, it is about to come out of my chest. I am going to die. See my hands and feet, they are shivering, I cannot control them. I feel cold and hot at the same time. I am dying.”

Nivritti grabbed his hand and placed it over her chest. “Feel that, feel my heartbeat,” she asked. But Young-Chul didn’t reply, he just kept staring at her. “Now close your eyes and listen to my pulse. It is beating slow, right?”

Young-Chul nodded. “Now breathe through your nose with every heartbeat. Feel the air entering your nose, your windpipe, your lungs, your body, 1, 2, 3, 4 and exhale. The same process, feel the air exiting your lungs and through your nose and out. Again, take a deep breath, 1, 2, 3, 4 and exhale,” Nivritti repeated the breathing exercise for a few more seconds.

Slowly, the hyperventilation of Young-Chul subsided. He was still breathing heavily but it was way better than before. He gulped and kept catching his breath. He removed his hand from her breast and rested them on his thighs.


“Okay, MY, there is something I want you to do. Will you do that for me?” asked Nivritti. Young-Chul looked at her and nodded. “Tell me three things that you see,” prompted Nivritti.

“Three… three things?” he gulped.

“Yes, three things, anything,” replied Nivritti.

“Well, that drying rack, this railing, you,” replied Young-Chul and gulped again.

“Jae! Can you bring me a glass of water?” requested Nivritti as she noticed that Young-Chul kept gulping again and again. The panic attack made his throat dry. Jae-Hwa nodded and went inside to get water. Everyone had this question what was she trying to do with water? But no one asked her, all kept staring at her while she calmed Young-Chul down.

“Now tell me three things that you hear?” asked Nivritti.

“Um… the cars on the road, their loud breathing and the faint music playing,” replied Young-Chul. By the time he answered, Jae-Hwa came back with the water and moved towards Nivritti, but she stopped Jae-Hwa by show of her hand.

“Last question, MY, touch three things, whatever you see, touch them, it can be your leg, your hand, anything, just touch,” said Nivritti.

Young-Chul looked near him. He first touched the ground they were sitting on, then he touched the railing next to him and last, he just threw himself and Nivritti and hugged her. He wailed loudly, “I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to do.”

Every ASD member pursed their lips and tears started flowing down their faces.

“Tell me everything MY, maybe I can help you. Even if I can’t do that, I might help you find a solution. We can work together,” she kept caressing his back. “And to do that you have to calm down. If you keep crying, I won’t be able to understand what you say and then I won’t be able to help you. When we find the solution, I will cry with you together, I promise. But first, tell me what is bothering you,” pleaded Nivritti.

Young-Chul broke the embrace and Nivritti wiped his tears. She nodded at Jae-Hwa who came running with the glass of water. “Here! Drink it first,” said Nivritti. Young-Chul looked at Jae-Hwa and the glass and took it off her hand. After he drank, he placed the glass next to him and sighed and sniffled.

“Are you ready to tell me what happened?” asked Nivritti.

Young-Chul first looked at her and then at everyone standing near the door. Nivritti too looked at them and asked, “do you want them gone?”

“I don’t know, maybe,” replied Young-Chul.

“Everyone inside!” commanded Nivritti. “NOW!” Everyone lowered their heads and started moving inside.

“Fine! They can stay,” said Young-Chul and everyone came running to the balcony.

“Can they sit near you?” asked Nivritti.

“Yes.”

“And you won’t be overwhelmed by all the stimuli?” she asked.

“I don’t know,” sighed Young-Chul.

“Okay, everyone, you can sit but maintain your distance,” she ordered. After everyone was settled, she looked at Young-Chul and said, “now tell me what is bothering you?”

“I know you could tell that something was troubling me. I had so much to think about. I just cannot find a solution and today when they kept coaching us, I lost it,” said Young-Chul. Nivritti tilted her head and quietly kept listening to him.

“It started on Thursday. Dr. Tan told me to write a letter to Korain Hyung telling him something I have never said to anyone. So, I told him that I appreciate him, his love, his care, that he showers on every member, and I ended the letter with ‘I Love You’,” narrated Young-Chul.

There were collective gasps and oohs and aahs. But one glance from Nivritti and everyone lowered their head and shut their mouths.

“Continue, please!” requested Nivritti.

“Dr. Tan was very happy with the result. She said that I was opening myself and accepting people in my life. We talked about a lot of things and then she asked me what bothered me most about being an idol. And I replied, lying to our fans. We have hidden our real personality, a big chunk of our life, our images are crafted by our team. Every turn we lie, we hide things just because we are scared of a scandal. No matter what we do, scandal always finds us, then why do we even bother to do that? Why can’t we show our real life to our fans? It’s not like we are doing drugs or… or we are serial killers… or serial daters. No one of us has ever been in a really long relationship. Our busy hours, our busy schedule prohibits us from making new relationships, we see our families after months, sometimes after years. We don’t know what is happening with our own siblings or our relatives. Many of our friends are friends with us because we are rich and famous. I don’t want that lie in my life anymore. I am fed up with it. I feel like I am not living my life, someone else is living my life,” explained Young-Chul.

Nivritti turned to look at Manager Park and raised her eyebrow at him. He lowered his head as he realised that what she said was true. Young-Chul ran away as he started feeling like an imposter.

“And when the company started telling you that you had to lie even more, you lost it,” said Nivritti.

“Yeah, I don’t know why, but I just drove here. It was like muscle memory,” replied Young-Chul.