Longmen Memoirs

She just didn't think about how to face the person in this period, the person who was not named Chen Mo but named Wu Wangzheng.

If she remembered correctly.

A month later, she would see that person appear in front of her again on the battlefield, a person she was unfamiliar with, hated, and ultimately wanted to kill with her own hands.

All Quiet in Northern Xinjiang ([-])

That year, there was a long snowfall on the tundra of Ursus.

It has been snowing heavily for days, and the snow layer has sealed the valley

The raspberry bushes haven't sprouted yet, and it seems like spring will never come.

They were trapped in the heavy snow, lacking food and clothing, and every day while waiting for the snow to melt was so quiet that it made people crazy.

Things get a little weird.

Rather, it seems that things have not gone smoothly along the way, and no matter how good the situation is, it will quickly deteriorate when she encounters it.

Maybe it's like what the Longmen people said, she is a disaster star, and nothing good will happen around her.

Perhaps, from then on, she could not help but come up with such an idea, and it became more and more profound as the days passed.

Once some thoughts appear, they are always lingering.

The initial passionate ambition and the resentment of seeking right and wrong for this unfair world were eventually worn away bit by bit by the cold heavy snow and the exhaustion of long-distance travel.

What's left?

Looking back, I saw the crowd that had finally gathered. They looked into my eyes. The longing in their eyes and the tiredness and numbness on their faces were unbearable.

Looking up, it is obviously a huge land, but there is no place for people like them to stay. They are running around in the wilderness, avoiding the patrols of pickets and warships. It is impossible to stay in this land day and night. In the land I call home, I can't find peace even if I simply want to find a temporary place of respite.

Maybe at that time, I had been disappointed, disappointed, and even disheartened. I thought about giving up, and thought about just walking aimlessly. It is better to know your destiny by doing your best than to fail and say to yourself that you have tried your best.

So be it.

Hunhun escaped from Snake Scale's pursuit and fled to that remote village. He did some whimsical and unrealistic things because of his youthful vigor and temporary anger.

You did your best, Tallulah.

In fact, you are not as determined as you think. In fact, you know in your heart that it is just a dispute with the vicious black snake. In fact, at the beginning, you just sympathized with the infected person. The black snake did not want you to go. Whatever you do, you just have to do it to show him. If he says you can't do it, you just have to do it!

You knew in your heart that he was stimulating you and luring you into his trap, but you were willing to argue with him. At that time, you were young, naive, passionate, and always thought there was nothing you could do.

When you saw the shocked expression of the black snake, you felt so happy. Yes, you just wanted to stab him. You were fed up with the life of being manipulated.

Black Snake does it, and so does Wei Yanwu.

You are just a stubborn little girl, no different from Longmen back then. You have learned some swordsmanship, some spells, and some knowledge. You will inevitably become blind, proud, and complacent...

In fact, you must have gone crazy a long time ago... When you chose to leave the dragon gate with that black snake, when you separated from the dragon gate and the man who made you breathless, you were already crazy.

It's just that you don't want to admit it.

You still have a trace of kindness in your heart, which is both kind and weak. You cannot see the unfairness of the world. Your thoughts are still too simple. You think the world should be black and white. Like most young people... you are energetic and young. arrogant.

You don’t understand why the patriots who joined the team are separated from you. You don’t understand how to gain the approval of that old man. The way he looks at you makes you feel angry. He is looking at a young boy who doesn’t understand anything. eyes.

Obviously Shuangxing and the young people in the guerrillas agree with your theory, and many people are willing to believe you, but why, the patriots you most hope for are still unwilling to agree with you.

You don't understand, but you can guess the reason, but you don't want to admit the reason, you don't want to think about it.

You are a smart girl, but that has nothing to do with being smart. You think you can do it, and you are strong and resilient... You think that with a little effort, you will always get better.

Actually...

You have never had a long-term plan. You have never sat down quietly and thought about what you are doing and where the road under your feet will lead.

You don't think it's difficult to find a place for infected people to live. You don't care about the world and don't ask for anything. You just want to live well.

Is it wrong to live on?

Yes, there is.

Of course, a few, a dozen, or even a hundred infected people can survive in a corner, but you know that you think more than that, you also have "ambition", otherwise how would you think of contacting the infected people all over the snowfield? , otherwise how to fill one's inner resentment and aspirations.

You don’t understand the heaviness of this land, and you don’t understand Black Snake’s disgusting intentions. Your thoughts are too straightforward and too simple. The hatred in your eyes is confusing between right and wrong. You don’t understand what kind of world you live in. The world.

You are not ready yet...who or what you are going to lose.

You are a young man.

Young people who take it for granted, you have gathered around you a group of young people who have the same "great" ambitions as you. You have suffered the hardships of this land and suffered the sins of the infected. You have grievances, ambitions, and incomprehensions in your hearts... ...but also has the repression and courage to seek justice.

There is a fire in your eyes.

But that flame is still too light for people like patriots and people like Bodrocaster who have already lost and accepted it.

Maybe you can endure the pain of being displaced, but you can't achieve great things just by virtue of your status as an infected person. The most important thing is... As a leader, as a leader who can decide the direction, life and death of this team, your ideas are too immature. , not mature enough.

Bodrocaster is watching you... In his eyes, you and Frost Star are no different. They are just a group of "light" young people, but in this land, being too light may be crushed to pieces. .

Tallulah thought of many things.

In the quiet car, light snow started to fall outside the car at some point, and it seemed that you could feel the slight sound of ice and snow squeezing when the wheels rolled over the snow.

Some things I didn't notice before, some things I noticed before but didn't take it to heart.

I have been homeless, helpless, struggled, disappointed, confused and even given up.

Only I have no regrets【/

I have no regrets about taking this path, but it is inevitable that I will have many regrets. When I look back and think about myself back then... I will also find that young person with high morale, she was so simple-minded at that time that it was a bit funny.

Only those who have experienced despair and disappointment and have not given up can have the confidence to talk about the so-called fight.

This was probably what Bodrocaste wanted to say to himself at that time.

She later understood somewhat.

But it was too late to understand.

She finally became a "passer" in the eyes of the old man, and finally understood what the old man's eyes meant at that time.

What’s funny is that at that time, when Shuangxing talked about the old man’s stubbornness, she was still convinced. She felt that the old man was too conservative and had no fighting spirit.

The old man just doesn't believe in hope.

He was just a little more realistic and couldn't bear to see these young people lose their young lives because of their fantasy.

But later I realized... It turns out that simple ideals cannot be relied upon. It turns out that people who gather under the same ideal will have different ideas. It turns out that everyone is not so pure.

Where are the pure people?

Everyone has their own joys, sorrows and joys, and naturally they also care about something and have their own different ideas.

It is the most normal thing for some people to leave and others to join, so even the infected people... do not all hold the same ideas, nor do they all have the same ideals as themselves.

Everyone has their own ambitions... She used to like this word, but she didn't really understand its meaning. Then she understood it, just like Amiya, the girl from Rhode Island in front of her.

She also had the same thoughts as her former self. She was luckier and had chosen a different path from her original one. But the path she chose was not wrong, and she might have done better than herself.

"What's wrong? Miss Tallulah."

Amiya, who noticed Tallulah's gaze, couldn't help but ask.

"...Nothing, I remembered something."

Tallulah smiled and answered nonchalantly. The child in front of her looked very young, even immature. It reminded her of herself in the past, but the difference was that her approach to Rhode Island was different from hers, but the same thing was ...They all came to the same destination through different routes.

"Xiao...is she asleep?" Amiya's eyes dropped, and she saw Xiao Mo who had fallen asleep in Tallulah's arms at some point, and her voice lowered slightly.

"This child is really similar to you." Amiya said subconsciously, but suddenly realized that there was something wrong with her words, and quickly added: "I... No, I didn't mean anything else."

His voice became lower and lower, as if he was afraid of being misunderstood.

She is still a bit childish, although she seems to always try to act more mature.

Tallulah didn't answer, and Amiya lowered her head in frustration.

"No need to explain, I understand." Tallulah said softly: "Actually, when I first saw this child, my thoughts were the same as yours. To be honest, I felt like I saw myself when I was a child. .”

Tallulah's hands gently hugged the girl next to her. She could feel the warmth coming from the girl's body during the slight bumps in the carriage. She looked extremely peaceful as she slept.

"But Xiaomo's personality is different from mine. She is more like Hui Jie than me. When she was at home, Hui Jie acted very well-behaved, but as soon as she left home, no one looked at her. After that, he became more wanton and lively than anyone else." She said with a smile: "That guy was bullied by Hui Jie a lot at that time."

"What does that guy mean?" Amiya asked cautiously.

The gentle woman in front of her made her feel a sense of intimacy. When she saw the leader of the integration movement in Chernobog, she was curious and respectful. She felt that he was a little far away, and still a little reserved and uneasy. Far from what she is now. The intimacy that comes from speaking those words after sitting in front of yourself.

It's as if the distance between him and me has been greatly reduced. He is an easy person to get along with, and he makes people feel as warm and bright as His Highness.

"That's the person we are going to see now." Tallulah said frankly: "To be honest, if it were before, I had not thought about how to face him. I always felt that I owed him something. He always liked to say There are some big truths that people don’t understand, but I know that the kind of ambition he comes from is just to have fun with his mouth. How could a guy who didn’t even dare to say harsh words when Hui Jie beat him up? …Suddenly I was able to do so many things that I didn’t even dare to think about.”

Her words seemed to be asking and talking to herself.

"And... he always likes to hide his thoughts in his heart, only doing things but not talking about them. Who knows what he is thinking in his heart."

There was a hint of complaint in her words, and Amiya could hear this feeling, but more than complaint, there was an indescribable bitterness.

Amiya opened her mouth【$

I remembered what His Highness once told me when I was a child. I remembered Doctors, Doctors Kelsey and the many people I had seen and known in Rhode Island when I was a child. I also remembered the friends I had separated from when I left Rem Billiton.

"I think he is afraid that you will worry, that he will give up because of his weakness..." Tallulah looked at Amiya, who hurriedly explained: "Just like me before, when I am separated from my friends, I I thought I couldn't cry, and if I cried, I wouldn't want to leave, but I still had to leave. When I was in Kazdale, the palace... someone told me that it was because I knew that I would not let go. How could I If you stay together for a long time and think about it for a long time, you will have feelings and care about it, so when you leave, you can't let go."

Amiya's voice became lower and lower.

"That's right." Tallulah seemed a little enlightened.

"Yeah." Amiya was actually not sure, but she felt that His Highness was right. He had felt that way too. When he watched His Highness leave, he always wanted to follow him, knowing that His Highness would come back. , but looking at His Highness's figure getting further and further away, I still feel sad.

But he didn't dare to ask His Highness to stay, because he knew that His Highness did the right thing and that His Highness had more important things to do.

"But I didn't understand this at that time." Tallulah said calmly: "Maybe I understood it in my heart, but there are still many things that I can't let go of. I know that I can't let go of these things, and I also know what he is thinking in his heart. , so I just told myself to wait, maybe it will be better, maybe it doesn’t have to be like this, it’s a bit of a fluke to deceive myself, but the more this happens, the more reluctant I am to let go, as you said, reluctant to let go, on both sides. Can’t bear to let go.”

Tallulah sighed softly.

"Maybe at that time, I should have made a choice earlier. I wanted everything to be selfish and what I wanted. I wanted to keep them all, but I didn't take my own abilities into consideration, and I didn't think about the future direction. ." Tallulah said: "Maybe what I thought at that time was that even if I failed in the end, there would be nothing to regret. I had tried my best."

"But you didn't fail, right?" Amiya replied hesitantly: "You did a good job, Miss Tallulah, the doctor and Ms. Kelsey and I have all been to Chernobog, and we saw you. ’s doings.”

"Yes, I did not fail." Tallulah said: "I promised to bring infected people to find a homeland of our own, and now we have found it."

She answered like this, but Amiya saw a trace of loneliness on her face. She didn't know where this loneliness came from, but she could vaguely guess that it might be related to the words just now.

"You left a lot of regrets, didn't you?" Amiya asked softly.

This girl is always keenly aware of other people's emotions.

Tallulah was stunned.

"...Well, there are a lot." She said, not some, but a lot.

Some can still be remembered, some can no longer be remembered.

The old man and the old woman who stayed there when they came out of that remote village, the infected people who later chose to go their separate ways after leaving, what they saw while searching for the guerrillas, and the disagreements they had during discussions.

The helplessness and confusion of enduring the long cold winter with lack of food and clothing, the compatriots who died in the attack on the mine, attracted the villagers on the picket team and the informants in the team...

I encountered too many setbacks and ups and downs along the way.

Looking at the guilt in the eyes of those compatriots who once had the same ideals when they insisted on leaving the team, and the helplessness hidden under their own smiles.

When I stare at the burning bonfire again and again, I feel confused deep in my heart.

She never thought about becoming a so-called leader. She always felt that she was the same as all the infected people who had the same idea, and they were companions walking side by side.

But she was finally pushed to the position of leader. Intentionally or unintentionally, when she came back to her senses, she had become the focus of everyone's attention.

But compared to the entire Ursus, compared to all the people who are suffering from oppression and suffering on this land, it is still a drop in the bucket.

Trust is a heavy and distant word.

Trust in this land is not free.

She does not have enough prestige to lead them, and she does not have enough ability to give them what they want. The higher they stand, the stronger the wind and rain will be on the top of the mountain, and the harder they will fall when they fall.

She has not apologized to the infected people and everyone in the integration movement, and she can have a clear conscience.

Her only regret was that when she thought that person had become a stranger, she never realized that it was herself who had become a stranger. When she came to her senses, everything became irreversible.

Tallulah exhaled softly, as if relieved.