Hikigaya doesn't want to be a force of strength

"Come on, we're not in that relationship."

In desperation, Hikigaya could only persuade Kushida to calm down.

He felt that if Kushida had really put the chicken nugget into his mouth just now, the gazes of the many boys in the stadium would have pierced through him.

“…That’s how it happened.”

Hikigaya's reaction seemed to make Kushida very disappointed, and the smile on his face dimmed a little.

Hikigaya then noticed that Kushida's bento seemed to be made by himself. Many of the ingredients in it were ordinary, but with obvious traces of handicraft.

The other party took the time to prepare these foods. Could it be that he just wanted to eat them for himself?

But why?

It's impossible that Kushida likes me, right?

After eliminating this idea which had no possibility at all from his mind, Hikigaya reviewed all the things related to Kikyo Kushida again, and finally felt that all this should be due to Kushida's compensatory psychology.

As the saying goes, after making a mistake, people will unconsciously do some good things to make themselves feel at ease.

Buddhism and Christianity rely on this kind of human psychology, allowing people who have made mistakes to pay donations in order to pray for gods' blessings and gain peace of mind.

There is a reason why this feudal ideology exists.

Kushida Kikyo's current situation should be similar. She knows very well that she has committed the mistake of betraying the class in order to attack Horikita Suzune, and she instinctively feels guilty.

This emotion cannot be released, and ultimately it becomes like the Christians who purchased the ancient indulgences, hoping to gain a sense of compensation from themselves.

That's how it should be.

After figuring it all out, Hikigaya took a deep breath and took a bite of his lunch box, while secretly observing Kushida next to him.

For some reason, Kushida played with his fingers on his chest and glanced at himself briefly.

Noticing that Kushida had noticed his gaze, he took the initiative to speak:

"Kushida, do you like me?"

"This...I..."

Kushida was surprised that Hikigaya would suddenly say such a thing. He waved his hands desperately, and his cheeks looked particularly red in the sun.

Hikigaya had expected this. He didn't think that Kushida would like him at all, so he asked with this premise and opened up the subsequent topic.

"Actually, you don't have to do this to me. If you really feel guilty, there's no need to go after someone you don't like like me. You should work harder for this class."

"W-what are you talking about?"

There was panic on Kushida's face, and his shyness turned into confusion and surprise.

Her expression was not so much that she was surprised that her betrayal of Class D was discovered, but rather that she didn't expect Hikigaya to say such a thing.

"I know you're panicking about betraying the class, and you want to seek comfort because you betrayed Class D." Hikigaya said silently, "But if you want to make up for it, there's no need to look for me. I don't need this kind of charity. It would be better to work hard for the class. After all, even if you do anything for someone like me, it won't affect your position in Class D."

Hikigaya still remembers that Kushida worked hard to gain a higher status in Class D and be liked by everyone.

Although I don't understand the reason for defeating Horikita, it should be consistent with this goal.

So he simply told Kushida not to waste his time on him. Instead of wasting time on people like him, he should serve the class and gain more people's favor.

"Why, why... I have never thought about it this way." On the other side, Kushida stared at him with wide eyes, a confused expression covering her face, "Do you think I contacted you, Hikigaya-kun, in order to gain some benefits and dump the garbage in my heart?"

"Is not it?"

Hikigaya didn't think there was any other reason.

Hikigaya never blamed Kushida Kikyo for betraying Class D and attacking Horikita Suzune for her own goal. After all, this was Kushida chasing his own 'real thing'.

There was no reason for him to stop it.

However, after achieving what he wanted to do, Kushida did not use this momentum to continue to gain a higher status in Class D, but instead came to seduce him. This was something he could not understand.

"I know you may be grateful to me and want to repay me, but I have said that everything I do is just for my own satisfaction. You don't have to feel that you owe me anything... If you are nice to me because of that, please stop."

For Hikigaya, his biggest minefield is false tenderness.

Since he has suffered losses in this regard, he no longer believes in kindness from anyone, especially from a 'fake' like Kushida who obviously has no real intentions.

Rather than having something that is equivalent to charity from the beginning, it is better to refuse it decisively from the beginning.

This is Hikigaya's way of survival.

Therefore, he rejected Kushida's action as quickly as possible, and his tone was even a little excited.

Gentle girls always respond with false kindness, and wait until the men become addicted and unable to extricate themselves, and then they cannot abandon them.

Hikigaya would never be fooled like that again, never.

Chapter 469: Are you also the Titan Armin?

Hikigaya really hates gentle girls.

They are like the moon in the night sky. No matter where you go, they will follow you, but you cannot touch them or grasp the sense of distance.

Just by saying hello, I started to have wild thoughts;

We exchanged emails and felt uneasy;

Every day when I received calls from the other party, I would smile foolishly at the call log.

He was once immersed in this false tenderness, unable to extricate himself from the illusions created by himself again and again, and even did outrageous things.

But reality has told him time and time again that it is just a kind of tenderness.

The reason why I am willing to greet a twisted person like myself is because of my gentleness.

The reason why I am willing to exchange emails with an ugly person like me is because of my gentleness.

It is almost unbelievable that I can receive a call from her. It can only mean that she is an extremely gentle girl.

However, the word "gentleness" itself represents a kind of "hypocrisy", which is an extremely sad counterfeit that is opposite to the "real thing".

Because people who are gentle to themselves are often gentle to others.

The smiles they showed to me were just charity and mercy from them.

Hikigaya would never forget this.

For this reason, ever since he came to this school, he has been constantly breaking the flag with others and never allowing himself to have any fluke feelings.

Whether it's Shiina Hiyori or Ichinose Honami...the reason why they are nice to me is simply because they are gentle girls.

However, Hikigaya is not only hostile to gentle girls.

His real hostility is actually towards "fake things".

Tenderness is a fake thing, but it is not the only thing that is fake.

When humans lose a certain emotion, they will always instinctively look for a replacement, something fake.

That's why he once told Horikita Suzune in front of her not to treat him as a substitute for Horikita Manabu, and he also decisively became the enemy of Sakayanagi Arisu and was unwilling to accept the other's charity.

He could tell that Horikita Suzune was willing to contact him because of Horikita Manabu.

And the reason why Arisu Sakayanagi tried to contact him was only because of Ayanokouji.

Hikigaya has never been a dull person. He is often very sensitive, even to the point of being allergic.

Because he is always trying to figure out people's hearts and is always thinking about what is hidden beneath the surface.

These habits all come from the past that is buried deep in his heart.

Whether it was people confessing their feelings to him by losing a rock-paper-scissors game or playing a punishment game, or boys writing fake love letters on behalf of girls just to play a prank on him, he had suffered enough.

He has learned too many lessons, and the well-trained Lone Ranger will not be fooled again.

All of these are useless to him now! If we have to compete, he must be the best!

He expected again and again, and was disappointed again and again... He didn't know when it started, but he no longer held on to any hope.

It is destined that you cannot obtain the 'real thing'.

It was with this thought in mind that Hikigaya said these words to Kushida Kikyo.

"..."

He knew his tone was a little agitated, even anxious.

In order to relieve his anxiety, he scratched his head subconsciously.

The silence that had enveloped the scene from the beginning was truly uncomfortable.

To be honest, this is not the first time he has experienced such a scene. When he was in contact with Shiina Hiyori before, he accidentally entered this state once.

But he didn't think there was anything wrong with his ideas, at most the problem was the tone of expression.

Now that I’ve gone through what happened with Shiina, I must have grown a lot, and I’ll definitely be able to succeed this time!

With such expectations, Hikigaya carefully looked at Kushida's face and found that the girl was silently lowering her head, as if she was thinking about what she had just said.

“Um, what is that…”

Feeling the awkward atmosphere, Hikigaya felt that he should say something no matter what, but he couldn't come up with anything interesting to say.

The two of them were unable to speak for a long time, and finally it was Kushida who took the initiative to smile foolishly:

"Oh, Hikigaya-kun, is that what you think? How can I put it? Actually, it's not what you think... It's really not what you think..."

Her mouth was smiling, but her face was lowered, not knowing what to do. No one could tell her expression. All they knew was that her weak voice was trembling.

"That's not the case... It's not like that at all..."

Kushida's voice became softer and softer, to the point where it was barely audible.

Hikigaya, on the other hand, thinks this is a good idea.

Kushida Kikyo has already betrayed Class D. Instead of letting her continue to waste her time here and give her empty kindness to me for the sake of an illusory sense of compensation, it would be better for me to cut everything off as soon as possible so that she can devote herself to serving the class as soon as possible.

After all, Kushida's goal is to be liked by everyone, and he is even willing to betray his class for this purpose.

If we don't take action now, we'll be in big trouble if we're discovered by Ayanokouji.

Hikigaya spoke this out of rationality.

However, Kushida's reaction was different from what he had imagined. He thought that after he explained everything and presented the whole truth, the other party would be able to react and realize what should be done.

But Kushida was squatting there trembling, his eyelids slightly narrowed, and he said: "Hikigaya-kun, so you think...I cooperated with Ryuen and forced Horikita to drop out of school for my own sake."

"This……"

Any other reasons?

Hikigaya was about to speak when he found that Kushida suddenly glared at him. Her tear-filled eyes looked straight at him, not moving away at all.

In the end, it was Hikigaya who couldn't bear the pressure and looked away first.

"……Fool."

Kushida's lips opened slightly, and she seemed to have used up all her strength to say this sentence, then turned and left. However, before she had walked for long, her steps became heavy again and she walked lonely.

Hikigaya looked at the other person leaving and was a little confused for a moment.

Because Kushida's reaction made him instinctively recall the former Shiina Hiyori.

Maybe I did something wrong again.

This thought clearly emerged in his mind.

But this idea was quickly suppressed by him.

There is no need to think too much. As a lone ranger, I shouldn't care about other people's affairs.

Besides, this is what's best for Kushida.

He firmly believed it in his heart. No, he was forced to believe it firmly.

……

After lunch, Hikigaya returned to the sports festival.

All the students of Class D gathered here, except for two people who were missing. One was Horikita Suzune, who had disappeared since she went to the infirmary, and the other was Sudo Ken, who was disheartened by the horse-riding battle and left after a big fight with Hirata Yosuke.

When Hikigaya arrived here, he found Kushida delivering water to the students with a smile on his face, just like in the past, which warmed the hearts of everyone in Class D.