Unspeakable

Shen Kanyu’s reaction to Gu Yansheng’s kiss was almost intense.

He wasn’t as quiet as a puppet as before and let Gu Yansheng hold him. He first trembled violently in his arms, as if to shatter his skinny body, and then he began to struggle. But even after exerting all his strength and even after his strength in breathing, it was still weak and worthless against Gu Yansheng.

It was the first time that Tang Xiu saw Shen Kanyu’s reaction so intense that he didn’t know what to do for a moment. Gu Yansheng glanced at him and motioned him to leave first.

Tang Xiu sighed and said softly.

“You don’t scare him out of his guts, he’s still not out of the woods yet. I’ll be at the door, call me if something happens.”

Gu Yansheng did not respond again, but only carefully circled Shen Kanyu in his arms, softly calling his name.

Shen Kanyu stopped struggling but was still trembling and shivering like chaff in his arms, and then suddenly lowered his head and bit his arm hard with all his strength.

He didn’t know where he had the strength and courage to bite himself like this. In a moment, Gu Yansheng saw blood oozing from the blue and white patient’s clothes.

“Don’t bite, don’t bite,” Gu Yansheng hissed, almost begging him, “You can bite me, don’t hurt yourself, okay?”

Shen Kanyu loosened his bleeding arm, covered his ears with force, and curled up into a confused state: “wake up, wake up… wake up quickly…”

He has developed a very serious cognitive impairment, and he often cannot distinguish between dreams, reality, and memories.

Sometimes when he saw the steaming soup porridge, he would suddenly lift the quilt and want to get out of bed, saying that he knead flour and add egg yolks, otherwise he would have no time to make it before Tian Tian came home from school.

Occasionally, when he saw Gu Yansheng walking out of the ward, he would secretly follow behind him, saying that there were many little villains on the way after school. He wanted to protect his A’sheng and beat them up.

And every so often he peeled an orange for Gu Yansheng, and the latter took it and ate it. After a while, he would smile and say to Tang Xiu, that he had a particularly good dream. Saying happily that the orange he peeled was eaten by Gu Yansheng, instead of telling him that he wouldn’t eat it because he was dirty.

He felt that he was crazy for dreaming of Gu Yansheng kissing him. If he knew that he was having such dreams, he would definitely feel disgusted.

When Gu Yansheng was not around, he would miss him very much. He had this kind of dream almost every day. Then when Gu Yansheng comes back, he playfully teases him, calling his name A’sheng, A’sheng, and then told Gu Yansheng about his that he (Gu Yansheng) kissed him (Shen Kanyu) again last night, then asked him when would this dream come true?

Gu Yansheng would look at him coldly, the disgust in his eyes could not be concealed as he asked if Shen Kanyu was disgusting.

Shen Kanyu’s face was pale, but he still would still answer with a smile that he was not disgusted and that they were married so it was only natural to kiss every day.

Later, on one occasion, he summoned up his courage and sneaked up while Gu Yansheng was looking at his laptop intently, trying to kiss him.

Just when he was about to kiss him, Gu Yansheng woke up from a dream, and as if he had seen a poisonous snake, he pushed him away with all his strength.

He hit the back of his head with the armrest of the wooden sofa, the piercing pain causes him to tremble affecting his heart. He quivered, and some fishy iron-like taste rushed to his throat which he swallowed with great difficulty.

He endured the pain, raised his head, and smiled hard at Gu Yansheng, but saw him frowning and vigorously wiping his face with a paper towel.

He smiled and whispered to him, “A’sheng, I haven’t touched you yet. Don’t rub too hard, the weather is cold and you will bruise your face.”

Gu Yansheng threw the paper ball into the garbage can, looked at his pale face with an indelible expression of pain, and said coldly, “just remember the pain, and don’t do it again in the future.”

Shen Kanyu still laughed, but his voice became softer and softer: “I know, I know, this kind of thing, I’ll… just dream about it.”

Gu Yansheng sneered, “it’s up to you, but please don’t disgust me. I’d be very grateful.”

“… okay, I see.”

At that time, Shen Kanyu’s heart was already not good. He was often in pain which caused him to be in a cold sweat and couldn’t sleep in the middle of the night. When he was hit this time, it affected his heart, and felt a sharp pain from it. His vision doubled and dimmed, after sitting on the ground for a long time, he still couldn’t get up. He could only silently support himself with the floor and move back to the sofa.

His chest felt stuffy and suffocating as streams of heat squeezed into his throat. Shen Kanyu opened his mouth and bit his dark black sleeve, coughing stiffly, and cough blood from his sleeve.

Gu Yansheng’s cold voice seemed to come from a very distant place: “if you have a cold, go to the hospital. It’s not easy for Tian Tian to recover from a cold. Don’t pass it on to her.”

“Did you hear that?”

“Hey.”

Shen Kanyu took time out to answer in the interval of coughing blood and hurriedly got up from the ground.

“I heard it, I’ll go right away, right away.”

He was afraid that Gu Yansheng would come and drive him away in person so he repeatedly say that he would go immediately and hurriedly wipe away the blood that accidentally dripped on the ground, and then staggered away from home to the hospital.

He nearly lost his life at that time, and the suffocating pain made him feel like he was on the verge of death. He felt very afraid, not because he would die, but because he could no longer take care of A’sheng and Tian Tian.

He knew he was wrong and would never do that again.

I really know I’m wrong.

He knew it was wrong, but why, again, did he have such a dream?

He bit his hand hard so hard that he was bleeding, hoping that he would wake up soon but he never did.

Gu Yansheng was unaware of what was going on with Shen Kanyu’s thoughts again, he only knew that his intentional and unintentional injuries had been seared in his body. The old wound was still bleeding, and the new wound had been engraved mercilessly. Over the years, it has been superimposed, and there was no way to completely heal his wounds, it was as if his wound was always dripping with blood, and it was a heart-piercing pain whenever it was touched.

He gently pulled down his hand covering his ears, held it in his palm, and put it on his heart.

“You’re not dreaming, it’s me, I’m here. Touch it, it’s hot here…”

Shen Kanyu felt Gu Yansheng’s warm chest and his clear heartbeat, this made him stare at Gu Yansheng who was holding his hand in a daze. His empty gray eyes trembled and vaguely restored some clear light.

“Not… A dream.” He murmured.

Gu Yansheng soothingly rubbed his hard and pale fingers, sighed, and softly repeated.

“En, it’s not a dream.”

Shen Kanyu still stared at his hand, frowned a moment later, and said painfully.

“A’sheng’s hand… So cold. Is it… Cold outside?”

Gu Yangsheng froze for a moment, then smiled and held his hand tighter: “It’s cold, you help me warm it up.”

Shen Kanyu took his hand out and murmured, “wait for me, wait for me.”

He pulled out a bag from under the pillow, took it to Gu Yansheng, and opened it. Inside was a brand-new hot water bag, which was also packed in a plastic envelope. It was obviously different from the one he had used before. It was much larger, and there was a layer of soft flannelette wrapped outside. Its color was royal blue, it felt very warm just looking at it.

“This… I haven’t opened it yet. It’s very clean. A’sheng, you’re afraid of hot. There’s this flannelette outside which won’t be particularly hot. If you pour hot water into it and hold it, you won’t be cold.”

He didn’t wait for Gu Yansheng to pick it up, but he was a little helpless as he put it in his hand.

“I know you… don’t like what I buy, but it’s too cold in winter, and I’m afraid you’ll catch a cold. I… I’ll help you fill some hot water. Try it, okay?”

Gu Yansheng picked up the hot water bag, kneaded it twice, and said with a smile.

“I like it very much. But I’m too lazy to fill hot water now, and your hands are very warm.”

While Shen Kanyu was looking at him confusedly, he took advantage of it and firmly held his hand again.

“Just let me warm up for a while, and then I’ll fill hot water later.”

Shen Kanyu hung his eyelashes in a daze as his cheeks reddened and obediently agreed.

Gu Yansheng came close to him and touched his soft hair.

“Do you still feel like you are dreaming now? Hmm?”

Shen Kanyu didn’t answer, just lowered his head and thought hard about a lot of things with difficulty, but his thoughts were messy and vague. He couldn’t understand anything, finally, he raised his head and smiled timidly at him with his pale face. Without any meaning, he just wanted to smile at him.

Gu Yansheng on the other hand, thought of Shen Kanyu from the past, sneaking behind him on the road full of rapeseed flowers. Every time he noticed, he stared back at him and scolded him but Shen Kanyu wouldn’t feel guilty at all and instead greeted him with a hippie smile as he came up to him and triumphantly told how many gangsters he had scared away after trying to bully him.

He smiled at him facing the light, and behind him was a golden rapeseed field. His eyes were filled with dazzling bright colors and this was because Gu Yansheng the most dazzling person in his life, made his whole person alive like the sunshine of early spring, warm and bright.

Gu Yansheng told him not to laugh like this all the time, because it was annoying.

Shen Kanyu still smiled and said.

“When you see someone you like, you have to smile at him so that he will be happy. When my parents smile at me, I’m super happy… Because they like me very much, so does my brother.”

When Gu Yansheng listened to his confusing statement and felt that he was talking nonsense or even making trouble. He never thought that he really didn’t understand the relationship between them, no one taught him, and no one said he liked him. He fumbled foolishly, and then foolishly used it to please him.

He was confused, but sincerely delivered his heart to him completely, but he was trampled in the dirt.

He forgot which day, but it was when Shen Kanyu cooked a table of good dishes. When he came back, he smiled and pestered him who had already eaten dinner with a smile to try a few mouthfuls because he studied new dishes today.

He couldn’t bear it any longer and said to him, “don’t laugh, it’s annoying.”

“Ah? Annoying, annoying?” He scratched his head, lowered his gaze, and softly said, “Oh.”

Perhaps from that time on, or even earlier, Shen Kanyu’s smile began to change. When he laughs, he was always careful as if pleasing him, and there was no more dazzling light and color in his eyes.

And right now, he becomes pale and cowardly. And his smile was just a smile.

He ducked his head, silently twisted the corners of his clothes, and was stunned.

Gu Yansheng stroked his neck. He felt thin and cold. He was as thin as skin and bones as if he would break if touch.

Shen Kanyu shivered and hurriedly raised his head to look at him: “A’sheng?”

“Sorry, I didn’t know it would make you so afraid.”

Gu Yansheng said softly, curving his eyebrows gently as he provocatively smiled.

“Next time if I want to kiss you, I’ll ask your consent first. Is that ok?”

Shen Kanyu blinked blankly, and the faint pink on his face quietly spread to his ears. He bowed his head in embarrassment and dared not look at him again.

Gu Yansheng remembered the way he used to be fearless and talked crudely. He didn’t know whether he was timid now or whether he was a paper tiger who opened his eyes and talked blindly before, he felt amused and regretful at the same time.

“By the way,” Gu Yansheng kept stroking the soft ends of his hair on the back of his neck and couldn’t put his hand down. “I took Tian Tian over.”

Shen Kanyu was stunned: “How… why did you bring her to the hospital? There are so many bacteria here, and she has poor resistance and easily gets sick.”

Gu Yansheng was inexplicably relieved to hear that he would still complain to him. He rubbed his head while smiling.

“Don’t worry, my mother took her to eat in the restaurant next door. Besides, no matter how bad her resistance is, it is not so bad that she couldn’t come to the hospital to visit his sick father.”

“No… it’s hard to get sick this season, not to mention she’s still so young. A’sheng don’t let her in.”

Shen Kanyu insisted. “She definitely doesn’t want to come here, she’s just too clingy to you. You’ve been… running here in the hospital these days so she must miss you very much.”

Gu Yansheng laughed: “no…”

“A’sheng, can you spend more time with her if you have time? There is nothing to do here… you don’t have to come all the time. I know it’s very tiring, you can spend more time with her instead… cough”

Shen Kanyu gasped, grabbed Gu Yansheng’s sleeve, and his eyes were full of longing as he eagerly said.

“Also—I, can I go out… to see her? I’ll just look at her outside the restaurant… Can I?”

Gu Yansheng didn’t speak but looked at him silently. The helplessness and pity in his eyes turned into a pool of tenderness and affection.

“No, no, it’s okay, I…”

Shen Kanyu said “I” for a long time, but the word next “I” didn’t come out. Gu Yansheng sighed, took him into his arms, and whispered in his ear, “are you stupid?”

“… ah?”

“She was the one who wanted to come to you.”

***

TL: seriously can’t stop crying again (༎ຶ ෴ ༎ຶ) he was his life and light but he was also his death and pain, such heart-wrenching love he chose…

Haizz it was like he thought he was his cure but it turned out he was his poison and it was too late to take back his heart!! D*mn!