Unspeakable

When Song Li heard the door open and looked over, Gu Yansheng walked in alone.

“Couldn’t find him?”

Gu Yansheng put down the keys and walked in. “He’s busy, can’t eat.”

Song Li scoffed. “Is he messing around outside again? Fancy you even telling me to cook his portion, now it’s going to waste.”

Gu Yansheng was silent, walking straight to the dining table to see a table full of dishes. There was the soft and glutinous baby food for Gu Yutian, the light Cantonese cuisine he liked, and Mother Gu’s favorite spicy Sichuan cuisine.

He didn’t know whether there was anything Shen Kanyu liked on this table. Initially, he had wanted his mother to make a few dishes that Shen Kanyu liked but he realized that he didn’t know what they were. 

Leaving aside the fact it had already been a long time since Shen Kanyu shared a meal with him, even when they did eat together in the past, he didn’t notice what his favorite foods were.

***

By the time they finished their meal together and Gu Yansheng sent his mother away, Shen Kanyu was still not home. Even when he dialed Shen Kanyu’s number his phone was switched off; it had probably run out of battery.

After coaxing his daughter to sleep, the hour hand was already pointing at the 11th hour. Gu Yansheng went out again to find him. 

This time when he went downstairs, circled and searched the area, he found Shen Kanyu on a bench in the public square with a bag of things in his arms, head down, looking dazed.

“Shen Kanyu.” Gu Yansheng called out as he made his way over.

Shen Kanyu was visibly taken aback. Looking stunned as he turned and faced him, the moment he saw Gu Yansheng’s face, his lips curved into a smile. With those downturned eyes and full lower eyelids, he very much resembled a harmless, newborn cub.

From out of nowhere, Gu Yansheng paused and he stumbled. 

Shen Kanyu swiftly reached out to help him sit down, between laughter and tears as he teased, “Are you a kid A-Sheng? You can even trip on even ground?” 

Rather embarrassed, Gu Yansheng straightened the hem of his jacket, sat upright, and asked, “Why are you just sitting down here, are you not going home?” 

A sheepish grin appeared on Shen Kanyu’s face. “I’m afraid that if I go back before Auntie leaves, I’d upset her. I wanted to go back after you guys fell asleep.”

Gu Yansheng slightly furrowed his brows and didn’t speak. 

Rubbing the bag in his hand, he continued in a mumble, “A-Sheng, do you think Auntie doesn’t hate me as much as she seems to? Otherwise, why would she cook for me?”

Gu Yansheng still didn’t speak. 

“Ah,” Shen Kanyu, as if he suddenly recalled something, suddenly raised his head to look at him, “You’re still up this late, are you going to the studio to work overtime? Am I taking up your time?”

Gu Yansheng finally spoke, “No, I came down to find you.”

Shen Kanyu blinked, then let out a somewhat delayed “oh”. “What…what did you need me for? For matters about《Laughter in the Vast Seas》?” 

Before Gu Yansheng could deny it, Shen Kanyu had already begun raving, “Have you taken a look at those suggestions? The main consensus is that a few sections need to be simplified. There are way too many details; some of the ideas are super interesting to explore while some may come off as complicated. Especially the parts related to leveling up characters and their attacks, don’t make it overly complex. The game will definitely be better if you can simplify these sections a little.”

Gu Yansheng listened earnestly to the end before nodding, “En. I understand.”

“Ai, I knew our family’s A-Sheng is the smartest.” Toward Gu Yansheng, Shen Kanyu was never short of praises. 

Gu Yansheng dry coughed, then asked, “Where’d you go in the afternoon? Did it take that long?”

Instead of answering straight away, Shen Kanyu scratched his head and kept blinking. He looked at Gu Yansheng with a doubtful expression, then quietly questioned him, “Why are you suddenly asking this? You never did before. Did some trouble come up at home while I was away? Did Tiantian trouble you?”

Gu Yansheng was slightly stunned, “No.”

“I see,” Shen Kanyu nodded, “I just went out to buy some stuff…ah that’s right, look at what I bought for you!”

He excitedly rummaged through the bag in his arms and took out a grass jelly drink. “This one this one! This was your favorite back in school! It’s been years since I bought it. Quickly drink it while it’s cold, does it still taste as good?”

Although Gu Yansheng’s expression didn’t change when he saw the drink, his eyes visibly lit up and he licked his lips. 

Licking your lips, that’s illegal.

Shen Kanyu swallowed. Holding back the desire to kiss him, he forced on a calm front while pulling the ring-pull for him and passing him the drink. 

Gu Yansheng accepted it, took a gulp, and slowly chewed on the grass jelly inside.

Shen Kanyu smiled and watched him with the same pampering and indulgent gaze as when he watched Tiantian eat egg yolk puffs. “Yummy? I’ve told the lady boss to put aside two boxes for me. I’ll carry it all home for you tomorrow.”

Gu Yansheng who didn’t know what to say just responded with an “en”.

He has no idea how cute he was like this in Shen Kanyu’s eyes. Shen Kanyu couldn’t control himself from reaching out, and with eyes full of hope, he asked, “A-Sheng, you’re really good-looking. Can I touch your hair?”

Gu Yansheng shook his head rather firmly.

Shen Kanyu was still smiling. Retracting his hand, his eyes slightly reddened but it wasn’t that noticeable under the warm yellow lights. “That’s okay. Thank you A-Sheng, I’m very happy today.”

The large bag he held in his arms slid down from his knees all of a sudden, its contents falling to the ground and making pitter-patter sounds. Amongst the daily supplies and food items scattered on the ground, Gu Yansheng spotted a book. 

It was Shen Kanyu’s medical book. 

Shen Kanyu speedily bent down, picking it up and tucking it in his bosom before scrambling to collect everything else. 

Gu Yansheng crouched down to pick things up with him. He lightly asked, “What’s that?”

“Nothing, just a pretty notebook I bought to write stuff in,” Shen Kanyu explained in a hoarse voice, then reached over to block Gu Yansheng. “A-Sheng, stop. It rained today so the things have been dirtied on the ground. You head back first.”

“How dirty can it be?” Gu Yansheng didn’t bat an eyelid as he continued collecting things until they were done. 

“Thank you A-Sheng,” Shen Kanyu beamed at him, “Let’s go home.”

“En.” Gu Yansheng took the bag from Shen Kanyu’s hand, got up, and headed towards the apartment. 

Shen Kanyu who was currently crouching down tried several times to pull himself up using the bench but didn’t succeed. He was truly helpless when his heart started hurting; he was left devoid of strength.

He gritted his teeth and dragged himself back onto the long bench. It was only after he pressed onto his chest, gasping for air and gathering up some strength did he stand up and catch up with Gu Yansheng.  

Gu Yansheng’s legs are long and he walks quickly. As he watched Gu Yansheng’s back, he felt like it was very, very far away. 

A-Sheng. In this lifetime, whether I walk or run, I can’t catch you. Perhaps I can only catch you by flying after I die. 

A-Sheng, did you know? I was in so much pain today that I went to the doctor, it was just for a checkup and to get a prescription for medicine. It didn’t cost much. The doctor said if I don’t stay in the hospital, properly get injections, and take medicine, I properly won’t have much time left.

The doctor is always scaring me, but I feel like he’s telling the truth this time.

Thank you for coming to look for me today, and telling me so many things, your voice sounds really nice. 

I don’t know if people really can become ghosts, and fly around after they die. So please come see me in the future often, okay? I’m scared that soon I won’t be able to see you anymore. It shouldn’t take too much of your time, my future isn’t that long.

By the time my future ends, your future will certainly be full of happiness, right?

It must be.

***

For some time recently, Gu Yansheng was often home and didn’t go to the studio. Every time Shen Kanyu pushed open his bedroom door to the sight of him playing with Tiantian in the living room, he’d feel like he had won the lottery. 

I really want to buy a lottery ticket ah, Shen Kanyu thought as he scratched the door frame.

He was really afraid of annoying both father and daughter, rarely approached them and basically watched them from afar, but he already felt extremely satisfied just watching them. His entire chest was filled to the brim with something warm. 

He watched silently against the door frame for a while, then went around to the other side of the living room to get to the door, took out his key, and left. During the entire process, he was so quiet it was as if he was air. Gu Yansheng and Gu Yutian were completely unaware of his presence.

***

Gu Yansheng heard the sound of a door creaking as he played with Gu Yutian. Once he raised his head to look, he found that the wind was swaying Shen Kanyu’s bedroom door, causing it to make sounds.

When he walked over to close the door, he discovered that there was nobody inside. Shen Kanyu had left at some point.

As his gaze swept around the room, Gu Yansheng found that this room could only be described as empty.

A bed, a bedside cabinet, a computer desk simply placed with live-streaming equipment, and nothing more – not even a wardrobe.

Gu Yansheng thought it was somewhat strange. Forget it if other things weren’t there, but there wasn’t even a wardrobe. 

He walked into the room as Gu Yutian strolled in behind him. Both father and daughter saw a suitcase in the corner.

Gu Yutian loved playing with suitcases. The moment she saw the suitcase she wanted to climb up, sit on top and let Gu Yansheng push her around. However, since this suitcase wasn’t that sturdy, the zipper burst the instant she sat on top of it.

Gu Yansheng nimbly caught the baby into his arms, watching as a pile of clothes fell out of the opened suitcase with a crash. They were old and the style old-fashioned. He could make out these were clothes Shen Kanyu usually wore.

Gu Yutian, blinking her large grape-like eyes and gripping onto Gu Yansheng’s sleeve, said with a bit of dread, “Daddy, will Papa be angry?”

“No.” Gu Yansheng placed his daughter on the bed, picked up the scattered clothes, and slowly folded them. 

Based on his impression, none of Shen Kanyu’s clothes were well-fitting. It was as if he wore clothes somebody else had given him. All of them were loose, and when the wind blew, his entire person seemed like a bamboo pole with a plastic bag tied to it; his clothes were filled with air.

As he folded the clothes, he asked his daughter, “Why do you think Papa would be mad? Does he often get mad at you?”

Gu Yutian bit onto her finger, her little head shaking like a rattle-drum. Her speech was indistinct as she held in her drool, “Papa doesn’t love me.”

Gu Yansheng was between laughter and tears. “How could that be? He worked so hard to give birth to you, how could he not love you?”

Looking at Gu Yansheng as drool dripping down her chin, her little baby voice innocently said with absolute certainty, “Papa only loves Daddy.”

Gu Yansheng was taken back. He helplessly reached out to wipe his daughter’s saliva. “Tiantian, don’t think that way. Papa loves you the most, nobody else.”

Gu Yutian wrapped her arms around Gu Yansheng’s neck and smeared saliva over his face as she chuckled. “I also love Daddy.”

Gu Yansheng picked up Gu Yutian and when he walked to the door, he took a look at this bedroom once more.

This bedroom was so simple it could be deemed desolate.

Shen Kanyu had set up his live-streaming equipment neatly, and all his clothes were put away in a suitcase.

Like he was ready to leave at any moment.