Wake of the Ravager

***Goob***

The life of a lab assistant is rough, Goob thought, yawning as he walked back to his tent after a long day of organizing research data from the knick-knacks. While the knick knacks were smart and coordinated, they often missed variables that were obvious to a living, breathing human being. For example one of the inks was accompanied by uncontrollable weeping, which Goob struck off the list of possibilities.

It was also Goob’s job to watch for opportunities that weren’t obvious to a machine. Their task was solely to find an ink that acted as a psychic receiver tuned to a single individual, so when they accidentally made an ink that changed colors to the user’s emotions, Goob had made a note of it beside the recipe they’d used.

Calvin had smiled when he read the description and called it a ‘mood tattoo’ and said there would probably be quite a market for it among the young and wealthy.

My hero said I did a good job! Goob thought, puffing out his chest as he strutted down the packed earth of the camp. Most of the other students at the tower didn’t see the opportunity Calvin represented. Why would I want to learn the way to fail like those old bags in the tower failed when I can learn the way to conquer kingdoms and especially princesses straight from the guy who’s actually doing it!?

When Calvin had left Mujenan, Goob had bowed and scraped, doing anything he possibly could to get permission to follow him out to his new city.

Didn’t think being a Master Wizard would involve so much paperwork…Goob felt a prick on his neck, smacking it reflexively. Or so many mosquitos.

Goob was opening the flap of his tent when he realized he had to pee.

Ah, damnation, the latrine’s on the other side of the camp.

He glanced off to his left, where the jungle sprawled out in front of him.

I’ll just pee in a bush.

Humming, Goob stepped off into the woods, getting behind one of the oversized jungle trees, dropping his trousers and aiming at a nearby bush.

Goob narrowed his eyes, glaring at the quivering wretch of a bush.

“You have offended Goob, Master of the tower. For this slight, you shall suffer the Golden Rain of Pe-Pe.”

Goob relaxed his bladder.

“Fools, the Golden Rain of Pe-Pe is no ordinary rain. It is a hundred times more dense than water. Every single droplet weighs the same as a boulder, making each one a spear in my arsenal, an unending assault that penetrates your meager defenses with ease.”

Goob was chuckling when he felt a prick on his neck.

Slap.

“Damn mosquitos,” Goob grumbled. He pulled his hand away and glanced at it.

Cheese.

Rather than the speck of blood and the tiny ruined body of a mosquito, there was a spot of hot cheese and a bit of grease on his hand.

“Fuck.”

“Goob,” a voice crooned from above him.

Fuck!

Goob tried to make a run for it, but his pants around his ankles tripped him up, forcing him to collapse directly on the bush he’d been punishing for its insolence.

Goob didn’t have time to think about the implications as warm, crispy bread clamped down around him, picking him up and turning him to face his attacker.

“How are you doing, Goob? I’ve missed you so much! Have you been eating?” her tone sounded concerned, but there was a crazy glint in her eye when she mentioned eating.

The grilled cheese monster looked like an exotic Malkenrovian girl only five years or so older than Goob himself, her brilliant blonde hair blending seamlessly with the cheese oozing out of her amorphous lower body.

She had rich red lips, manic blue eyes and one of her arms dissolved into cheese, fused with her lower body, which was currently wrapped around him. The lower body was a masse of grilled cheese slices in a riot of various sizes and shapes.

“Hi Kim, I’m not really hungry right now, so –“

Kim’s warm smile vanished in an instant. “You’ve been eating someone else, haven’t you!” She demanded, squeezing him tighter.

Okay, I was totally wrong. This kind of girl is way less endearing in real life. If I get out of this alive, I want a nice girl who gives me plenty of space.

“No, I haven’t eaten anything since last time, you visited, honest.” Goob babbled, struggling in her grasp.

Goob felt the crust give way under his struggling and pushed harder, his elbow poking through the crispy bread with a tiny crack.

Pain!

Goob had briefly forgotten in his struggle, but under the bread was scalding hot cheese. Scalding hot cheese that was currently spreading over his elbow.

Goob panted and held as still and possible, breathing through his teeth as the cheese spread, burning his arm.

“Really?” Kim asked. Touching her chest in a motion of concern, her heaving breasts momentarily distracting Goob.

“Uh, yeah, I haven’t been eating anyone else, babe.”

“You must be starving!” she breathed.

Crap.

“But why did you say you weren’t hungry?” she asked, her eyes narrowing.

“When you haven’t eaten for a long time, the body kind of gets used to it. It just fades into the background.” Goob knew this from bitter personal experience before he’d been brought to the tower.

“Oh, goodness, you should take better care of yourself! Eat up!”

Kim’s left arm detatched from the main mass of her lower body, a hunk of grilled cheese sandwiches topping the cheese-arm like a mace.

Kim shoved the mass of cheese and crispy bread into Goob’s mouth, forcing him to take a bite.

Despite this absolutely horrifying violation of his personal space and body, Goob had to admit that he could imagine a damn fine-tasting grilled cheese.

Not that Goob had a lot of time to worry about that. One bite was followed by another, once again forced into his mouth with no regard for letting him breath or consideration for the limits of his mouth and stomach.

“AAAM!” Goob tried to shout through all the cheese in his mouth.

“You must really like it,” Kim said sweetly, her face glowing with happiness. “Here, have some more, you handsome man. Oh, I just want to love you to death!”

Nope. Noooope.

Earth Shape

8/15 Bent remaining.

Goob created a pillar of earth directly under his feet and forced it upward, shooting himself out of Kim grasp.

Goob spat out the wad of cheese and took a grateful gasp of air, before shouting at the top of his lungs.

“HELP! KIM CURDASHIAN’S BACK!”

Kim clicked her tongue and sprinted out into the jungle, away from the camp. The cheese monster, dubbed by Calvin as an Angry Cheese, moved frightfully quickly, whipping a long strand of cheese up into the low hanging branches before hauling itself up into the canopy.

“What’s going on?” one of the rank and file soldiers asked, trotting out into the woods moments after he’d called out, discovering Goob trembling against the tree, his clothes covered in grease and cheese. Goob drew a small crowd as he struggled to pull himself together.

“Looks like the kid’s had another visit from the Cheese Squeeze.” On guy said with a chuckle.

“That’s way better than Angry cheese.”

“Well, are you gonna go get her?” Goob demanded, pointing so that the muscleheaded fighters knew which direction to march.

“Nah, Lord Gadsint said you should deal with her by yourself, and only step in if she’s killing you.”

“It almost did kill me!” Goob said, aghast at the peon’s Blasé attitude.

The leader of the squad looked Goob up and down, and his expression softened somewhat.

“You’re covered in cheese. Take a bath by the dock. Get yourself some extra soap from the quartermaster.”

Goob glanced down at his stained shirt and his reddening elbow. Not really seeing anything better to do, Goob went and did as he was told.

Getting cleaned up and a change of clothes improved his mood drastically, and he was thinking that even meathead non-wizards might have the occasional nugget of wisdom as he approached Calvin’s tent.

The leader of the company was sitting there by himself, thumbing his chin idly, playing with the thin beard starting to come in on his chin.

“Just got attacked by the Cheese Woman.” Goob said, drawing Calvin’s attention to himself. “Why won’t they help me?”

“Because people grow by solving problems. This particular one was made by you, and hasn’t proven disruptive to anyone other than you. this means I can ignore the problem for as I have to. If you want Kim Curdashian to stop bothering you, identify exactly what the problem is with her, and enact a plan to fix it. You’ve find that when you do, you’re one step closed to being a master wizard.”

“What!?” Goob shouted, his jaw dropping. “That’s so freaking deep!” It makes sense! He wants me to be the best wizard I can be! “I’m gonna get right on this!” Goob considered for a moment, the seed of a plan forming in his mind.

“Can I get the key to your wagon?” He asked.

“Why?” Calvin asked, looking him over intensely.

“I wanna make a spell to get rid of her. That’s what a wizard should do, right?”

Calvin’s eyebrows raised, then he reached in his pocket and tossed Goob the key.

“Make sure you experiment far away from the wagon, Goob!” he called as goob left the tent.

Goob stopped and snapped a quick salute. “Of course, sir!” Then he broke into a sprint, hauling ass toward the wagon filled with goodies.

***Calvin***

Calvin watched the apprentice run away at full speed, shaking his head. Goob did everything at full speed.

“Well, I’ve got the rest of the afternoon to kill,” He said, pushing himself up to his feet. “This should be fun.”

***Goob***

Okay, so I need to identify the problem with Kim Curdashian. The problem isn’t that she’s a giant cheese monster, the problem is that she consistently tries to kill me through being loving to a creepy degree and constantly trying to smother me with grilled cheese sandwiches.

Goob shook his head.

I’ll probably never like them again, damnit.

Now that he identified the problem he had to come up with a solution to it.

The most logical way to solve this problem was to pit it against something equal and opposite and let them cancel each other out.

Ah-hah! Goob thought as he opened the wagon. The door swung open and the interior expanded to the size of a small house as Goob shrank, entering Calvin’s storage wagon.

A boyfriend is the opposite of a girlfriend. Pit them against each other…That’s it! All I have to do is imagine the perfect boyfriend for Kim, then she’ll love him instead and leave me alone!

Goob rubbed his hands together in anticipation as he secured Calvin’s iron flask. There was still plenty of mass left in here to make another imaginary monster. He clicked the selector on the bottom to freeform.

“Okay, gotta focus,” Gotta concentrate on the perfect boyfriend to get Kim off my case. Perfect boyfriend, perfect boyfriend.

Goob was tilting the flask sideways when he realized he was doing something wrong.

“Oops.” Goob muttered, hastily stopping himself, nearly sloshing the undifferentiated mass out on the floor. “Gotta do this somewhere else.” Goob took the flask out of the wagon, closed and locked it, then began searching for a nice wide space to create his secret weapon.

***Calvin***

Oh, man, he got lucky with that one, Calvin thought, using Sense Grafting to spy on Goob’s progress. If the kid had failed to remember Calvin’s one request, he might have to cuss him out, possibly reconsider the apprenticeship, depending on the damage.

***Goob***

This looks like a good spot, Goob thought, selecting a nice open area beside the cookpot. Since dinner wasn’t for another half hour, he would have plenty of time to make Kim’s counteragent.

“Alright,” Goob said, double checking the settings on the iron flask. Calvin said double and triple checking things was a good habit for a wizard to be in, if they wanted to live a long time.

So cool.

Goob pumped a fist, ignoring the stares of the Body specialists. They didn’t understand what made Calvin so awesome. They just looked at surface things like kills and arm-candy. Goob was practically a kindred spirit.

So Goob triple checked the flask, making sure it was secured and locked on the right setting before he enacted the plan he’d only mentally checked once.

Goob closed his eyes and focuse on his image of the perfect boyfriend.

What do girls want anyway? Well, big and muscly, I guess, older, rich, nice, and eats her cooking no matter what…right?

Goob’s eyebrows knotted as he came closer to his dubious idea of the perfect boyfriend.

After a few minutes of deep thought, finally the image was solidified in his mind. Once Goob was confident it was perfect he tipped the flask, eyes closed.

When he felt the first drops come out of the flask, he inhaled sharply.

That soup smells good.

Oh, damn.

Goob felt scalding hot soup wash over him for an instant before it withdrew, followed by a gurgling voice.

“KIIIM, WHERE ARE YOU GIRL!?”

Goob hesitantly opened his eyes and spotter what looked like a red living fountain with an oversized jaw and a blonde toupe floating on top of what passed for a head on the misshapen thing’s head.

It looks like my distraction caused it to be made of tomato soup, but it looks like it still knows what it’s supposed to do. I can still salvage this.

“Kim’s that way.” Goob said, pointing to the jungle. “She ran away after trying to smother me with cheese.”

“How do you know Kim? You bragging about her trying to smother you with cheese?” The soup-boyfriend demanded, leaning forward and sticking out his jaw aggressively. “Kim’s my girlfriend, she smothers me with cheese, so you better back off or I'll have to pop you one.”

If Goob wasn’t so distraught, he might have made out Calvin in the distance roaring with laughter.

Macronomicon

8/15. I think? Let me go back and double check that.

*Edit: Yep, that's the right number.

Got work done early today so you get the chapter about an hour early.

Patreon is 27 chapters ahead, so you guys are catching up, slowly but surely.

Also if at any point the baby was named Sasha, that's a mistake. His name is supposed to be Sacha

Sa-Cha with a hard 'tch' sound.

Enjoy!