White Christmas

I suppose somewhere in my head I still felt like I couldn't die. I feel like a lot of teenagers develop that mentality. As a teen in high school and even going into college it's hard to imagine your own death. It's hard to think past the weekend let alone far enough into the future to even consider death.

With the pull of a trigger my life changed. The same went for Johnny. It could have easily gone the other way for us back in that garage. Hell, with all the bullets flying it's amazing we didn't die. I guess that could be traced back to Johnny's stupid luck if you happen to believe in that kind of stuff.

Of course, I didn't feel lucky. I felt scared. Scared and very mortal. It was a wakeup call for me that we all bleed. We all bleed and we all die. Young or old. Rich or poor. Smart or stupid. We all bleed.

That wakeup call wasn't the only thing I took away from the garage in Chicago. I came away with a guilt id carry for the rest of my life, and nightmares enough to last for the next ten years. Once again, I didn't feel lucky. Just like I stated before however I never stopped to realize that being lucky might mean simply making it out alive. That was another thing I learned during my time with Adal. One last odd thing I learned was how much Adal seemed to genuinely care for Johnny and myself.

On Adal's orders we were taken straight to his house from Chicago. When we finally arrived he greeted us with hugs and fresh tea. Before we could get into any kind of discussion about what had gone wrong Adal was questioning us about our health. He wanted me to go to the hospital for my nose, but I insisted we didn't need to. When he was satisfied we sat down to talk.

"I'll start"

Adal began sipping his tea. He sat across from us in a straight back chair in a black sweater, and khaki slacks. His hair was uncharacteristically messy, and those predator eyes of his held a spider web of red lines.

"I assure you two this situation has not been a walk in the park for me either. Though I'm more than aware it's been harder on you two"

He lowered his tea cup onto his small table in front of us before sitting back up. Actual sadness filled his expression for a moment.

"I never intended for you two to end up in a situation like that. I'm sure you understand that death is only one wrong move away from nearly anyone in this business, however"

I couldn't deny that I was aware of the hazards going into this. It was my own lust for adventure that pulled me in despite the risks, but I'd never admit that to anyone.

"Four of my people in Chicago where murdered. I can tell you exactly who did it too. It's the same person who tried to trap you two"

Adal ran a hand through his hair attempting to tame the wild strands that tried to break away. The sadness was replaced now by a fiercely serious look.

"It was Ricky. Turns out our little loose end had more contacts then we thought. Not so many here in our little town, but he has a little more influence outside of my territory"

Ever since I pulled the trigger in the garage I was alternating between extreme fear and extreme anger. After hearing Ricky's name, I leaned more on the anger side.

"You're telling me that Ricky is still a problem for us?"

Adal nodded and crossed his arms. Johnny stayed oddly still and silent beside me.

"Ricky is still very upset at you two for helping me secure our new contracts, and very upset at me for getting said contracts. Ricky maybe smaller time then myself, but he is what you would refer to as a tweaker. He commits the cardinal sin of using his own supply. This makes him very unpredictable"

"It's not like we didn't understand there was risk involved. In a line of work like this I assumed we would run into people like him"

"Yes of course, but Ricky is different in the fact that he is gunning right for you two. You do well to remember that as you go about your day from now on"

I stopped for a moment considering Adal's words on the subject.

"Adalwolf, are you saying you can't protect us from him anymore?"

"Those words never left my mouth. However, things have changed. You aren't simply children laying low anymore. You're drug runners and you have his men's blood on your hands. People like Ricky operate on the eye for an eye principle. As it stands now you've taken many eyes from him and he hasn't taken a single one from you"

I gave a frustrated noise as the extreme anger swung to extreme fear. Adal stood up and motioned for us to do the same. Johnny followed almost robotic in how stiff his movements where.

"You two will not be running anything for a while. You can't run until the fox body is fixed anyways. I will repair that out of my own pocket. It's the least I can do for the sacrifices you've made for me"

He walked us to the front door and out into a truck waiting for us.

"I will have my people watching you at all hours of the day. This Ricky situation is tricky and getting worse by the day. I will figure out how we should deal with him. Until then I don't want you two to leave town. I'd prefer if you didn't leave your houses, but I understand how unreasonable that request is"

When I was dropped off at home it was well into the night. My parents were already fast asleep. I came in walking like I was in a trance. The house was dark and quiet. Deafeningly quiet. Finally, I was alone and that was exactly what my mind was waiting for. With absolutely nothing else left to focus on it wondered.

In the dark living room I could see in vivid detail the flash from the muzzle. Like I was back in the garage again. I could feel the kick back on my left hand again. A small twinge of pain flexed in my wrist.

My head kept playing the video over and over again. Watching the man's head bounce off the SUV's seat started to lose its impact after the tenth time. I wasn't scared anymore. I wasn't angry anymore either. What I felt was a feeling very familiar to me, but also hard to put into words.

I never liked to say I had depression. Despite the medical diagnosis I didn't like saying it out loud. I felt like it called to much attention to myself. Because of that I just hid it. Dealt with it myself. Never said much to people about it. To my knowledge the only people aware of the issue where my parents and Jess.

The depression thing had almost become a non issue by the end of the summer. While I was still in a slump I felt like I was pulling out of it somewhat. I was finding passion in my cars again and that was way better than where I was right after Sara was done with me.

Now I felt that familiar feeling again. A deep tired feeling that lingered in my body. Deeper than just the skin. A tiredness that sunk right into my bones. An exhausted feeling that came paired with a self-loathing kind of sadness. The combination was made worse by that little demon on my shoulder. He spoke little curses like he always did. However now he had more ammunition.

Killer

He spoke softly. Quietly. In my own voice, but not from my throat.

Killer. Killer. Killer

Finally broken from my trance I started dragging my feet with me to my room. A tired smile rose on my face as the familiar feeling settled into its old grooves in my brain. Despite how horrible it was I couldn't deny that there was comfort in my old habits.

I fell onto my bed. The frame of it groaned in protest, but it was lost to the dark room. I laid there looking up at the celling. Dark and shapeless I watched the darkness surge. It twisted its self into fantastic phantoms keeping my attention for a solid thirty minutes before I passed out.

The night sort of ended for me. I don't remember sleeping at all. I just blinked and suddenly it was morning. A dull vibration from my jacket pocket marked the change. All in an instant there was light in my room filtering in from the half-closed blinds.

I moved in a sort of dream like state to check my phone. It was a text from my savior. When I read the name, I said it out loud and like a charm it snapped me back.

"Jessica Song"

Suddenly the demon on my shoulder was all quiet. Thinking became a lot easier then.

"I've been in town almost four days and I haven't seen or heard from you. You better text me or something right now Jack I swear"

Her text brought a smile to my face. The last bit of humanity I could cling to lingered in her. For a moment I felt bad for Johnny. I didn't know if he had someone like this in his life. Then again, I don't think Johnny ever had problems like I did so it might not have been an issue for him.

I hit the button for a call and pressed the speaker to my ear.

I learned something important in that garage in Chicago. I learned we all bleed. But I also learned to count on my friends. Johnny had my back in the fire fight and Jessica had my back in my mental battles. At the time I'm sure Jess never understood what she meant to me, and looking back now I know counting on another person to keep me alive like that was foolish. It was the same mistake I made with my ex.

However for the time being living for Jessica was better than the alternative which was not living at all. We all bleed, sure, but sometimes we have friends to hold the rag for us. Jessica was damn good at holding my rag.