Will to Live

The doctor told him he didn't have much longer left to live.

Stuck in this hospital for ages on end, Alex could feel himself rotting the best years of his life on a bed with an IV needle in his arm. It had been quite a while ago since he had contracted a mysterious illness that caused him to grow progressively weaker. His only hope was the treatment the hospital gave him which consisted of a healthy diet, exercise, and the occasional needle.

He was sick of it.

No pun intended. More than just the disease, he was sick of staying here. In this hospital the only color was white. He was surrounded by people who were either as sick as him or doctors and nurses who have grown apathetic to constant strain of caring for the needy.

Alex wanted out.

How was being confined here, waiting to die any different from already being dead? If he was going to be killed by some disease, wouldn't it have been better off if he died on his own terms as a man enjoying the last moments of his life?

Gradually, he had been losing his will to live. A long time ago, his family would visit him on an almost daily basis. But that was so long ago he had stopped counting the days on the calendar. It was almost as if time itself didn't exist. But the clock was a grim reminder of his approaching end. Nowadays, his family only rarely visited on holidays and special occasions. He was alone for most of his time. Hard to make friends when everyone was confined to a bed in their own rooms.

Perhaps...perhaps he was already dead? Stuck inside some sort of purgatory. Alex could no longer feel life in him. The disease, it was slowly slipping away inside. And he could feel the parasite gnawing at his soul.

The doctor told him he didn't have much longer to live. Alex could tell that this wasn't something they wanted to tell him, but had to. On foresight, perhaps it was better if they didn't. He would've died anyway, and ignorance is bliss.

Why not go off on your own terms? Alex wanted to enjoy the time he had left. One last night as a free man. One last night as a normal man till everything's gone.

Alex decided to sneak out of the hospital.

000

It wasn't a decision he made on a whim. It took some time planning. Even with death approaching, his mind still functioned quite well. If he wanted to live his life, this was his last chance.

Today there was a festival in his city.

Alex didn't know what the occasion was. He didn't bother to remember. All he knew, all he cared about, was that everyone was here celebrating. Having fun. And so would he as well. He had no delusions. But just for tonight, he could forget everything and not be tied down to a disease.

Tonight, he was free.

No disease.

No hospitals.

No doctors.

And certainly no needles.

Alex chuckled. Boy, would the doctors throw a fit about this. But that was something he wanted to worry about tomorrow. Not today.

It was only then that he realized something. He didn't bring any cash, or valuables with him. The only thing he had on him where the clothes on his back. He didn't exactly have a job anymore and his family didn't think he needed an allowance. How the hell was he supposed to do anything without cash?

Alex sighed. He didn't realize it was so cold. Well, it was cold in his hospital room. But the night was spacious, a different uncomfortable type of cold. Accompanied by loneliness. He was alone in the crowd. What use was enjoying the last moments of his life if he was going to enjoy it alone?

All around him he could see people laughing, enjoying themselves, and just doing whatever the situation allowed for them to do. But they all had one thing in common: they all came with someone. None of them were alone.

What was his family doing now?

Maybe they were here? What if they saw him? What would they say?

Alex felt his heart growing bitter resentment. If he did see his family here, he knew that he wouldn't be happy. Who would? They were enjoying themselves. Without him. He was dying and they were all smiles.

He hoped that he wouldn't see them. It would've been too painful.

Maybe...he should just go back.

Tonight was a disappointment. It only took away his will to live even more. It felt like he was a part of the walking dead among the living. Perhaps God had already declared him dead before he even died.

He didn't belong here.

As Alex started walking away, he didn't immediately go back to the hospital. He started walking aimlessly. There was a park near the venue of the festival. Although it was empty and somewhat dark, Alex felt like that's where someone like him belonged. He felt like this is where he was heading anyways.

"Excuse me, could anyone please help me?!"

"Huh?"

He swore he just heard a woman shouted. Alex looked around but saw nobody. Not a single soul was in sight. Did he imagine it?

"Anyone, please!"

Okay, he was definitely not hearing things. That was a woman who needed help. But where was she?

"H-hey, are you alright? I can't see you!" The park was dark, and almost nothing was in sight. Although the lights helped illuminate the area a bit. The park might have been considerably darker in order to conserve light for the festival.

"I'm over here! I slipped down and I can't get up! I don't know where I am exactly. It's too dark!"

"Alright, I'm coming hold on!"

Following the sound of the voice, Alex came to find a young woman a few seconds later at the edge of the road. It was a bit of a steep slope, so he see why she would fall easily there. But it wasn't so steep that she couldn't get out. He was about to ask what was keeping her there of if she had broken anything.

But then he noticed the wheelchair.

000

"Thank you so much, Alex!"

"It's not a big deal." Alex took a sip of the soda Helena had bought for him. Once he had gotten her out, she insisted on thanking him by buying him something. Alex would've gone for something like beer, but the vending machine only had soda available. And the sick man wasn't going to be picky. "Damn, that hits the spot."

He took a look at the woman sitting beside him. Well, not quite beside him. He was on the park bench while she was on her wheelchair.

"So, how long have you been stuck down there?"

"Quite a while actually. I'm not sure how long, but about twenty minutes or so. I'm glad you came when you did."

Alex nodded. It was only now that he realized he missed talking to somebody. It was far from the conversations he held with his doctor or nurses. And it was nice feeling the cool breeze of the night talking even with a stranger.

"So did you come here alone, Alex?"

"What? Oh, yeah. All by myself."

Helena tilted her head. "How come?"

"Long story," Alex gave the indication that he didn't want to talk about it. And he was sure the woman caught on. "...let's just say I'm not supposed to be out."

Helena giggled. "That makes both of us."

"Oh?" That caught Alex's interest. He almost asked her what she meant by that. But decided to bite his tongue before he did. The topic might have been sensitive. And he didn't want to throw away the only friend he might have. This was the last moment for human contact he had after all.

"Yeah, my editor would kill me if he knew I went out on my own."

"Ah, so you're some sort of writer."

"Yes, I wrote a few books. My deadline is coming up and I've got a bad case of writer's block. I thought maybe coming here would've helped me write better, you know."

"So how'd you end up down there?"

"Well, it was dark and made a wrong turn. Before I knew it, my wheelchair was sliding down before I could stop it."

"Were you badly hurt?"

Helena shrugged. "A few scratches here and there, but I'm fine for the most parts." She laughed off her cuts and bruises like they were nothing more than dirt on her clothes. "I've had worse actually, so I'll be fine." The girl motioned to her wheelchair while remaining cheerful.

Alex didn't know what she meant by that. But he didn't bother asking for fear of offending. But he felt sorry for her, being confined to a wheelchair. From what he gathered it was obviously an accident, but it must have been tragic nonetheless.

He didn't want to touch any sore spots.

So they talked. The two had a lively conversation. And for a while Alex felt like he was free. Another soul to laugh with made him forget about his disease for a time. It made the night feel worth it. And he had felt alive even for such a short while.

He had learned quite a few things about her. She was in the middle of writing her third book. While the first two weren't exactly best sellers, they sold well enough to get her stable income. Alex told her a few things about himself as well. Though he omitted some of the more tragic parts of his life.

For now, it would just be him and her. No pain, no tragedies, no death.

But life had different plans.

Alex could feel his body shaking mid speech. He was feeling it again! Helena looked at him in shock as he collapsed to the ground and started coughing. The coughing was so bad it was almost as if he was trying to vomit something stuck to his throat.

Being in a wheelchair, Helena couldn't do much. She rubbed his back. But she couldn't properly carry him somewhere more comfortable. His coughing didn't stop until a full minute passed. And it was enough to scare the poor girl.

"It was just a cold."

"A cold?! Don't lie to me! You were coughing blood!"

Alex looked down to his palm. Clearly there was blood in it. Although his coughing fit was over, he could still feel his throat burning and the metallic taste filling his mouth. Perhaps this wouldn't have happened if he had stayed at the hospital.

"Heh, yeah looks like blood alright." By this point, Alex was relaxed back in his seat. His head staring at the stars. Helena looked at him with worry.

"Are you alright now? Does this happen often?"

"Well, I'm fine now. As fine as a guy with cancer can be."

"Cancer?!" Helena shouted. Alex would've chuckled at the expression. Here it comes, the pity that results after his disease was revealed. Everybody felt sorry for the guy with the big C. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have yelled like that." There was a look of regret written on her face.

"Don't worry, a guy like me. I've long since came to terms with everyone thinking I'm pitiful."

Alex looked at the sky. The stars were very much like his future here on Earth: distant and impossible to reach. Funny really, he hadn't seen the stars in such a long time. Perhaps God still granted him a bit of life. Tonight wasn't raining. Just a clear view of the Milky Way Galaxy.

"Shouldn't you be in the hospital?"

Alex nodded. "I should. Yeah, I really should be in the hospital. But I don't want to be. I've been confined in that place for four years."

Helena looked like she wanted to say something but he interrupted her.

"You know what that's like? Four years inside a single room? Four years with a needle stuck in your arm and surrounded by doctors?"

Alex placed his hands in his pocket. The night was starting to get cold.

"It wasn't so bad at first when my family came to visit me all the time. Now, they barely even come by anymore. Not even a phone call. Tch, it's almost as if they gave up on me." There was a melancholic look in his eyes. "Listen to me here, why am I even telling you-"

"I do."

"Huh?"

"I said I do. I know how you feel."

Alex was about to ask her what that meant when she started talking.

"When I was young, my parents and me were in a car accident." Helena was looking at him directly in the eyes. Alex was flabbergasted. He didn't know what to say to console her. Look at him, a dead man trying to comfort a cripple. His social skills have rusted in the four years confined inside the hospital.

But he listened to her tale. He didn't know how to speak, so he listened.

"It was a drunk driver that hit us. My parents were sitting up front and I was in the back of the car. The collision killed them both and crippled me."

"Helena...I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry."

"Yeah, I'm sorry too. For a few years I was stuck inside a hospital myself." Helena chuckled, though it was in a grim way. But despite the tone of her voice, there was a fire in her eyes. "I was so angry. I remember being able to walk all the time. I remember being able to run with my friends at school. Where did all that go? Where did my family go? Where did my legs go?"

Although the two suffered different ordeals, there was definitely a connection. At least, that's what Alex felt on his end.

"The accident left me so injured that it hurt to even touch the floor with my feet. It broke my heart when the doctors told me I would never walk again." Helena clutched her chest where her heart was. "I was so angry. I wanted to know what happened to the man who hit us. But I learned he died as well. Back then, I was alone with my anger. And I had nothing to take it out on. My parents were gone and I had no one."

"So what did you do?"

"I wrote." Helena said with conviction. "What my legs couldn't give me, my arms did instead. If I couldn't travel freely with my body, then my mind would do it for me."

Alex stared at her. He was impressed by her flare. It felt like the determination he needed right now. Unfortunately, it was one he didn't know how to possess.

"Wow, so you turned it into a book?"

Helena shook her head.

"My first story sucked. I'm not going to lie, the format was terrible. Spelling errors all over the place, wrong grammar, and even more shallow characters."

"But you kept going, right?"

Helena nodded. She sighed and leaned backwards on her wheelchair. "What else could I do? I couldn't draw if my life depended on it. And I certainly didn't have much options."

"Helena...did you ever felt like you were dead at that time?"

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Helena nodded again. "At that time, I didn't even know if there was anything else worth fighting for. A younger me wished I died with my parents. I could've gone to Heaven with them at least."

Alex was once again left in silence. He didn't know what to say. He didn't know what to do. So he leaned back and rested. The two looking at the stars up above.

"You know, when I came out looking for inspiration I didn't expect to tell my life's story to a man I just met."

"Ditto."

"Your cancer, how bad is it?"

Alex whistled. "Who knows? Doctors have come up with all sorts of terms. But it's all the same regardless. I don't have much time left."

He looked at her with eyes filled with water.

"I'm scared."

He could feel the tears falling down his cheeks.

"I don't wanna die."

It was a flash of the moment. But he didn't know what had hit him till he felt the warmth. Helena's arms were wrapped around his body tightly and the wheelchair she once sat in was empty. It took Alex a moment to register that she had actually pushed herself from her chair and hugged him.

"You know, it's funny. I barely know you." Helena's voice was muffled through his shirt as her face was buried in it. "But for some reason, I really don't want to see you like this."

Alex thought it was kind of funny. Here he was on his last moments, and he found comfort in the arms of not his family, but a stranger. What was it that made the two of them who just met have such a connection? Perhaps it was because misery loves company. But maybe it was because Helena saw something in him that she herself experienced.

One thing was certain however.

Both of them knew the pain of being caged.

Life was unfair. Life was painful. And at times it feels like we suffer for no reason at all. Human beings desperate for acceptance turn to wearing masks in order to function. Alex had been keeping a mask of apathy. The pain he felt turned dull until he could no longer tolerate the suffocation. So he broke free and took a chance tonight.

This was a decision he wouldn't regret even if he died. Alex had felt the feeling of warmth that he hadn't felt in a very long time. Far from the cold metal the doctors gave him, Helena was the warmth he wanted to feel.

"Say, Helena...when I get back to the hospital, I wouldn't mind having you visit from time to time. I mean, I'm not asking you to be around all the time. I can understand if the answer is-"

Helena placed a finger to his lips and nodded.

"Just tell me which hospital you go to. We can go there right now."

For the first time in forever, Alex could feel himself smiling genuinely.

000

Helena visited him on an almost daily basis. Alex couldn't believe his luck that he had met with her when he needed someone the most. The young woman had given him the determination to live again. Or at least try to. He was still sick and his cancer wasn't going away anytime soon.

But he wasn't alone. He didn't feel alone anymore. Soon his family came to visit him frequently again after learning what the doctor told him. Introducing Helena to them had been a blessing. They had immediately taken a liking to the girl. And soon, Helena herself wasn't alone anymore. She had a family again.

Although Alex knew that his cancer was never going to leave him completely, he willed it to fight as long as he could. Because he wanted to enjoy the moment.

He would fight it as long as he could. Until such a time that he could no longer breathe.

Because he finally found the warmth he needed again.