Your Love For Mine

It didn't take me long to find the arcade.

I don't usually come through this part of the mall, but luckily it wasn't too far off from the bookstore. I wish he'd been a bit more specific with his directions, but I guess I can't complain too much since I didn't use the map like he suggested.

Oh well.

The moment I enter, I'm greeted by the electronic sounds that one would come to expect from one of these places. Judging by the graphics, though there are some more modern 1v1 games scattered about, this arcade is home to mostly retro games. Donkey Kong, Pacman, even iconic names that I've heard of are playable at this arcade. There are also a few ice hockey tables and toy cranes here and there, but I highly doubt that my target would be at any of these.

I carefully look around before moving through the arcade in search of the boy known as Nicholas Albert. Arcades might sound like a terrifying spot for someone with androphobia at first, but the fact that most of the guys here are at least a bit nerdy puts my mind at relative ease. In any case, I managed to find him without much effort after searching around for a minute.

His back is hunched over what appears to be one of the retro 1v1 fighting game machines. He's pressing the buttons as hard as he can, but it doesn't seem like things are going well for him. The character on the left side of the screen is throwing out haphazard attacks that appear to have no thought put into them. The character on the right is ready for every single one of them though, and counters through each flurry with ease.

Judging by his posture, it's safe to say at this point that Nicholas isn't properly looking at the screen. He's just hitting buttons at random and hoping that his character can win.

"SHIT!"

He slams both fists down onto the machine in frustration, but it's already too late.

He has lost, and the game prompts him to continue as a timer counts down on the screen.

"…"

I can't approach him.

The atmosphere is too tense. I still have no idea what he's thinking right now. The fact that I'm even remotely sorry after the way he treated me feels unfair, so deep down I'm still a bit stubborn about this.

But still, there's more important things than my pride at stake right now.

"Nicholas."

"Get out."

Harsh rejection.

He must have noticed me, because there wasn't any hesitation in his voice.

"Listen, I…"

"I said get out."

"…"

He must really want nothing to do with me after what I said to him, huh?

But I suppose it's only fair. I did go a little overboard earlier.

That suits me fine, though. The truth is, as much as I would have loved to learn the truth, I didn't really want to make up with him either. There's nothing left for either of us to say. At the end of the day, he's a grade A misogynist.

No matter what happens between us, no matter what I say to him here, that fact probably won't change. As much as I would love to get an answer from Sigmund, I just don't see myself making up with this person.

It's not so much that I hate him or anything, I just dislike being hated for something I have no control over. I try every day to love and accept myself as who I am, so why should he, someone who knows absolutely nothing about me, shame me for something as trivial as my sex?

There's nothing fair about that.

It's like hating the sky for being blue.

Like hating trees for bearing fruit.

Like hating flowers for blossoming in spring.

Like hating bees for making honey.

Like hating fish for swimming in water.

Like hating people for wanting to be accepted.

Nothing about the fact that half of the human population is female can be helped. Hell, you had a good shot at being female yourself. So why on earth would you shame me for something like that? The more I think about it, the more it upsets me.

I'll probably explode again if I stay here, so it might be for the best if I just leave right now.

But.

As I turn around, I find myself unable to take a single step forward.

And that's because there are two guys about my age are standing right in front of me, staring right down at my face.

And the worst part is that neither of them look very nerdy at all. In fact, they're pretty damn good looking.

"Oh hey, I don't see girls this cute around here very often. This your first time at the arcade?"

One of them immediately ropes me into a conversation, verbally blocking off any and all exit routes.

"A-ah, ummm…"

My heart suddenly races, and with it, my body begins to tremble.

I can't look either of them in the eyes.

All I can do is stammer out words and hope that both they both grow bored and leave me alone.

"Hey, don't be shy. Here, my friend is pretty good at the toy crane over there. Is there anything you want in there?"

"Don't put me on the spot like that, man…"

The other kid blushes.

If I were an ordinary girl, there's no doubt that I'd be enjoying this kind of situation. Two cute boys hitting on you at the mall? I mean, who wouldn't want to just let loose and enjoy something normal like that?

But right now, I kind of just want to run away.

It's easier to deal with this stuff if my mom or Jen are around. For some reason, that boost in confidence when someone you like is by your side makes it easy enough to stand your ground, even when you're scared.

But when I'm alone like this…

I bite my lip.

"I, um…"

"Hmm? What's wrong?"

I want to run away.

I want to, but…

My legs are frozen.

All the blood in my body has been completely cold for a while now. And the hopelessness of such a normal situation makes me feel completely worthless.

I hate this so much.

I hate this, I hate this.

Please get me out.

Please…

Chase…

"She has a boyfriend."

A voice intrudes in on the conversation from behind me.

Strength returns to my body one more time, and I find myself turning around.

It's just like last week. My knight in shining armor.

Did he make it here to save me again? Is he here?

Did you come back to save me, Chase?

"…"

But when I turn around, all I see is the same boy from before.

Nicholas Albert has turned to face the three of us.

"Geh, it's this dweeb."

"You're dating this chick? What the hell is wrong with her taste?"

"Not me, idiots. Ugh, whatever. Just do yourselves a favor and piss off already. I'm not in the mood for this right now."

"…"

"…"

Perhaps it's because they really did sense his bad mood, but neither of them seemed to want to argue back.

They both click their tongues and leave without giving much trouble.

And just like that, Nicholas Albert suddenly saves the day.

I close my eyes and exhale.

The adrenaline is still inside of my body, so it takes a little while until my jitters calms down.

Still though, as grateful as I am about that, it's also strangely conflicting.

If he hates me so much then why would he bother going so far to help me? It's not like he knows about my androphobia though… Either way, I am quite grateful so I suppose the least I could do is thank him

"Um…"

"Save it, I didn't do it for you."

"…"

And just like that, every ounce of gratitude I managed to scrape up disappears with the wind.

"Yeah of course not, why would someone like you do something genuinely good from the bottom of your heart? Haaaa… Sorry, I guess was just an idiot to think you were a good person."

"You really don't understand anything, do you?"

"Yeah? Like what? You're going to say you did it for Chase, right? Because I'm just a thot who would go around flirting with other guys behind his back, right?"

"Damn right you are. Glad we're on the same page. It's in a woman's blood to ruin good men."

"That's unfair! You're such a little..!!"

Before I realized what I was doing, it was already too late.

I had already swung my hand, and his neck had already snapped to the side.

The sound of flesh meeting flesh had woken me up to the reality of what I had done.

My anger got the best of me, and I resorted to violence.

I've made a grave mistake.

No matter what happens, I shouldn't resort to hitting him so forcefully like that.

My parents raised me better than that.

This is way more than just shameful.

"U-um, I…"

"Haha… That's what's really unfair."

He slumps back against one of the nearby machines and rubs his cheek.

"If I had hit you back then, I'd be the worst human imaginable. It's not like I didn't want to either. But I considered myself above violence, especially against women. That's beyond fucked up even for someone like me. Yet look, you're allowed to just lose yourself in the moment and hit me without any repercussions. Just because you're a girl."

"That's…"

Of course I know.

Even I know it's unfair.

To wish for equality just before abusing the current situation of inequality to get away with whatever I can. That's obviously what it looks like right now.

"I'm sorry."

"…"

He doesn't seem to take my apology to heart.

And I don't blame him.

As much as he's been a huge jerk all day, the fact that I followed through and acted the same way makes me a pretty bad person too.

Maybe I'm wrong for sympathizing with someone like him. But I can't help it.

At the end of the day, he's human too, so of course I'll feel sorry for him. Just because I can't tolerate his views doesn't mean that he deserves no sympathy. He's just a misguided kid.

For a while, there's just awkward silence between us as I'm forced to face the reality of what I'd done.

Neither of us speaks up.

It would be rude of me to just leave when he looks so distraught, but just what should I say to him after that?

What can I say?

"Nicholas, I…"

I try to put my feelings aside, but I can't do it.

I still can't help but find myself despising his attitude. There's not a single part of me that wants to help him despite what I'd just done.

But still…

"…"

"You know, I wasn't always like this."

I shift nervously as he suddenly speaks up.

"Of course I wasn't. No one's born into this world as such a bitter jerk. I wasn't born thinking hey, screw women and screw normies. Even I know that from an outside perspective, my way of thinking seems more than just warped. But… BUT…

He slams his fist into the machine behind him.

"THIS IS JUST HOW IT HAS TO BE, OKAY?!"

The employees in the arcade seem concerned about the noise, but they try their best to look away. I guess they're used to Nicholas and his strange behavior.

"Like, do you have any idea how easy it is for a single girl to ruin everything? How much destruction and carnage just one woman is capable of causing all on her own? How weak we, as men are to these things called our hormones? DO YOU?!"

I don't respond.

My silence seems to simmer him down, but rather than ending the conversation there, he turns away and continues talking.

"Back in middle school… I met some of the best friends I've ever had up. Despite how cruel middle school was, despite how isolated from everyone else I suddenly was because of my quirky personality and my geeky hobbies, these guys managed to stick with me through all of the bullying and pain. We built something that I think a lot of kids our age didn't have; a close bond of trust. One that I thought was completely unbreakable at the time."

"There were four of us. Myself, and… Let's call them Andrew, Brian, and Carl for now. We were the kind of friends who would hang out at all hours of the day regardless of the situation. At school, online, at each other's houses, we were practically inseparable. Video games and anime at all hours of the day. I'd never felt that connected to people who shared my interests before. When I was treated like a worthless piece of garbage by everyone around me, those three truly made me feel like I belonged on this planet. And honestly, those were the best days of my life. Just being with my friends back then made me feel empowered enough to act as I pleased; to be myself without any judgment. That's why I wanted nothing more in the world than to spend my free time with those guys, just hanging out and arguing about who had better taste in things than the others."

He pauses.

As if to signal that he's about to explain something terrible.

"It all started going south when Andrew got a girlfriend in our last year of school. It was just a small thing at first. We congratulated him and he started hanging out with her more, and by extension, with us less. Progressively less. In fact, it was rare to even see him at all after about a month. He was in his own world, and there was no room for us. Just her and him. I don't think it was possible to have a genuine conversation with him the few times we did talk either; he would always get sidetracked and start talking about her as if she was the only thing that mattered in the world. Brian got one too soon after, and the same thing kind of happened to him. It was a pattern I had seen before so the heartbreak was a bit worse with him since I already knew what was coming. And after a while of that, it was just Carl and myself. And I'll be honest, I was disappointed. I was disappointed and I was damn lonely too. My friends had left me. They weren't as interested in video games and anime anymore. They didn't make any kind of concerted effort to hang out with me. They only cared about their girlfriends. Their girlfriends were the only things that made them happy. To geeks like them, it must have felt like a blessing to even have one, so they ended up spending every second of their lives with those girlfriends of theirs."

"I will admit that at the time, there was a bit of jealousy in me that wished I had one myself, but I cared way more about how they wouldn't hang out with me anymore than anything else. But things weren't that bad, right? I still had Carl, right? The two of us could just make up for it by spending more time with each other, right? Oh, if only, though. It all got really bad when Carl started hanging out with Andrew more instead of me, even when his girlfriend was around. That was… the last straw for me. I was so hurt by it that I ended up skipping school for a week. The whole thing was just too painful and too lonely for me. Like, why did we suddenly stop being a group? Why did we have to split up like that? Was there something wrong with me as a person? Is that why Carl left? ... Well, guess what? It was later I found out that apparently the reason Carl had done that was because he'd fallen in love with Andrew's girlfriend. Once Andrew found out, the two of them who were once friends got stuck in a never-ending argument over the whole situation."

"…"

"As for Brian… His girlfriend dumped him. He was alone, just like me. I felt sorry for him, I really did. But still, I thought that deep down, things would go better for me. That maybe, the two of us could start hanging out again and get along as friends just like before. But Brian didn't really care about me at all anymore. Me; his friend of two years at that point. No matter how much I tried to make him feel better and help him forget about her, his heart was solely fixated on that girl. That fucking girl. The one who had broken his heart into a million pieces. Just by talking to him, it was obvious that all he could think about was her. It was depressing. It was depressing to see my friend deteriorate into this shell of his former self all because of some girl. It was painful to watch him try again and again to bring her back into his life, even though it was blatantly apparent that it would never happen. Even I could tell that she had absolutely no interest in him anymore, but for some reason he refused to accept it for himself. And because of that, his heartache would only worsen as the days went by until graduation."

"Oh, and wanna know what happened between Andrew and Carl? Well, Carl managed to date her in the end. She broke up with Andrew because of how paranoid and scary he was being about Carl's advances, but she ended up proving Andrew right by falling for him anyway. It made him real angry. He started talking about friendship and betrayal even though he was the first one to leave us behind to begin with; not that Carl wasn't a complete piece of shit for doing that. They fought a lot at school after that. It was bloody and they had to be forcefully separated each time. Eventually, Andrew got expelled after the third one. Or maybe it was the fourth? I don't remember. Either way, I wouldn't be surprised if he killed himself afterwards. That's just how deeply in love he was with that girl. And the fact that his best friend was the one who stole her from him? Ha."

Nicholas leans back and stares up at the ceiling.

There was a lot of emotion in his voice. These are obviously events that had wounded him deeply. I can't help but wonder if he'll ever be the same person he was before.

"I'm not going to ask you to forgive me for everything I've said to you, but please– leave us alone. I don't want to experience any more of this suffering. I don't want to lose any more of my friends just because some girl carelessly wandered into their hearts and ruined their perception of the world. I can't accept how much control they have over men. I just can't. The fact that they could ruin such intimate bonds just by existing, just by smiling, is just… Just..!!"

"I understand."

You don't have to say anymore, Nicholas.

I finally understand.

Not just why you're a jerk to me–

But also why Chase chose to you and Sigmund as his friends.

You might seem like a terrible human being on the surface, but I understand it now.

You're just looking out for Chase in your own way.

Maybe if the two of us really were dating, I'd be upset about being alienated over something that has nothing to do with me. After all, you can't judge every relationship in the world just by the two you've seen for yourself.

But as an outsider, I can respect it.

Nicholas only wants to spend his four years of high school with his good friends.

He doesn't want drama.

He doesn't want romance.

He doesn't want popularity.

To him, the companionship of Chase and Sigmund means everything.

It's such a pure, wholesome wish that it would be wrong of anyone to try and sabotage it.

But if that's the case, then what have I been doing?

How much did I hurt their friendship by using Chase for my own selfish plans? Didn't I lecture Chase on his terrible choice of friends the first time I met them? He must have thought I was a huge joke after seeing Jen rip me apart right afterwards.

Well, of course it turned out that way.

I entered high school hoping for popularity and fame, and he just wanted to make friends that he could be himself around.

When you compare the two, I just look like an idiot for pulling all of this.

But.

There's still something Nicholas is misunderstanding.

"I'm gonna sit next to you, okay?"

I take the opportunity to walk up to him and fit myself right next to him.

He suddenly freezes up.

Judging by his reaction, he probably isn't used to being this close to a girl. Hardly surprising though, he's still an incel after all.

"Makes your heart race, doesn't it?"

"S-shut up… I'll never succumb… A-as a member of the 'Fated Ones'…"

"Yeah yeah. Whatever, cockroach."

If he weren't such a geek, my heart would probably be racing too. But not in a good way.

My complex is just that bad.

"That feeling in your chest is what made your friends do all those crazy things, you know. It's like a drug for us. It's new and exciting, and it makes you feel like you can take on the world. It's just normal to think "oh, what if" when you look at someone that you think is cute. And when that "what if" becomes "it is", it turns into the most precious feeling any one person could ever experience."

At least, that's what I'd like to believe.

"As someone who's seen it first hand, I can say right off the bat that you're wrong. It's the most fucked up, nonsensical, insane bullshit I've ever seen in my life. It's hideous. It's selfish. I seriously hope to never have to experience that feeling in my entire life. If that stupid feeling didn't exist, then…"

He clenches his fists.

"Forget all that, dude. I'd much rather just be with my friends for the rest of my life."

There's still a lot of pain in his heart over what happened back in middle school. It's hard to blame him for that.

"Yeah, it is pretty selfish. To like someone kinda means that you want them all to yourself. Just the thought of someone else, especially a close friend who you trust, being with that person instead of you can makes your heartache. I guess it's normal that your friends would fall apart if something like that happens."

I think back to Momo. Even if we're not dating for real, just the thought of her betraying me like that makes me wonder if we really should stay as friends. To a certain point, I can relate to his reasoning.

Yet despite those terrible thoughts, I find myself putting on a smile.

"But the thing is, the only reason those bad things happen are because you wanted another person entirely to yourself. And such a pure wish is part of what makes it so beautiful."

"No, it's ugly. There's no doubt in my mind. I hate it. We can pretend that humans are logical creatures all we want, but in the end, the moment we see someone attractive we're no different from any other animal. It's all sex sex sex, and romance this, romance that. We'll shove a knife into our best friend's back if it means we can get the girl with the cute smile. Just what part of that disgusting feeling is okay? It's primitive as all hell and I wish it never existed."

"Nicholas."

I look away.

"I'm not ignoring your feelings. What you're going through is… Um, honestly it's too real. But I think you're going about this badly. I mean look, has Chase been any different since I've started… d-dating him?"

"… Not really."

"Haa, see? It's not so bad, is it? Not everyone is silly enough to give themselves all the way up to love. Your friends were just young and… If you don't mind me saying it, immature."

"Well maybe, but… You don't know if Chase even loves you that much."

I smack him.

It's not a painful smack by any means, but he still ends up rubbing the spot I hit regardless.

"Ow… Violent bitch."

"Want another one?"

"… I didn't say anything."

I put my fist away before I end up hurting him for real.

"I'm just saying that, once you get the hang of those feelings, then learning to balance your love with everything else, it's kinda doable, right? It's not the end of the world or anything."

"I guess so…"

He looks down, still seeming a bit sour.

"Say, why did you start dating Chase?"

"Why?"

"Yeah, the two of you seem like complete opposites. You're like fire and ice if I'm being real with you. It just doesn't make sense to begin with."

Well, our relationship isn't exactly real to begin with.

What kind of answer should I give?

Because he's cute? He's funny?

Nah, they could work, but none of them really suit our relationship.

Hmmm…

Ah, I've got it.

Of course.

"Probably because… he makes me feel alive."

Nicholas suddenly turns to face forward and breaks into a mocking smile.

"Woah. That was some corny shit, dude. How are you not embarrassed after saying that out loud? You should mc an AGDQ to be honest. You'd fit right in with those cringelords."

"S-shut up! I didn't mean it like that! You're misunderstanding! H-he's just a little pleasant to be around, okay?!"

"Yeah yeah. Ms. Tsundere doesn't like being honest with her feelings. I gotcha."

"I'm not a Soondeerie!"

"God, you're so stereotypical it hurts. I may as well call you Aisaka Taiga from now on."

Oh whatever. I've had just about enough of his nerdy teasing.

I sigh and stand up.

"I understand how you feel Nicholas. Probably better than a lot of people. You don't want to be betrayed anymore, right? But the thing is, friends who would do that kind of thing to you are just dumb virgins. Or maybe they're just dumb. Either way, as much as they may have ruined what you guys had, they'll probably learn from it and handle it better next time."

"That doesn't mean much if we can't be friends anymore, though."

"I guess so."

Seeming to have had enough of our conversation, he stands up and stretches his back out.

"Haaa, what the hell. I got lectured by Chase's boring girlfriend. This sucks. Today could not have gone any worse."

That's my line, idiot.

"Well you kinda deserved it. You've been acting like a huge jerk all day, you know."

"Yeah yeah. And the tongue lashing you gave me in front of Sig wasn't bad enough? Well, whatever. At the very least, I'm glad you followed me back here. You know, for a thot you aren't actually all that bad."

"Oh? You must really love getting hit."

"Nevermind, I take that back. Just solve everything with your fists why don't you? Violent bitch…"

I clench my fist again, and he looks away.

Seriously, I thought he'd learn his lesson if I spoke to him rationally, but he's still a being childish.

"Hey, call Sigmund. He's still following Chase so we should probably try to catch up with him."

"Huh? He is?! Well, I guess you're still wearing his hoodie so it makes sense."

Ah, right. I forgot I was wearing this disgusting thing. I hope those guys from earlier didn't notice the smell…

"Kay, I'll call him now."

Nicholas pulls out the phone I'd chucked out of the window last week and pulls Sigmund up from his contact list. It's not an iPhone, but it's still a new model so I can respect his choice.

Still, it's kind of hard to believe.

Nicholas' hatred of women.

To think it was because of something like that. A middle school life filled with betrayal like that one. I can't imagine how lonely he must have felt watching the friends he'd loved so dearly self-destruct around him. In the end, he was left with nothing but the memories of their good times to console him.

I suppose that like me, high school was a chance for him to start something new. With new friends, and new experiences, he'd do his best to make up for the awful time he had in his last year of school. But still, the trauma must have been terrible. And yet despite that, he still tried accepting Chase having one in his own way. I guess that goes to show how much faith he has in the new friends he's chosen.

But even that faith couldn't ease the pain in his heart whenever he saw me.

He's still being haunted by his past.

He truly feels as if just one girl could possibly be the end of it all.

That's why he's so desperate to shun us.

To him, we're evil, manipulative creatures who will stop at nothing to destroy his precious bonds.

If that's the case, then my outburst from earlier was definitely out of place.

But you know, despite his terrible personality I think he could be a pretty cool guy if he tried. He just has a few… kinks to iron out.

Like his fashion, for example.

So, though I may not get along with him, I think for now I'll be able to at least forgive him.

"Hey, Sig said he found out where Chase was heading to every day."

My pupils widen.

"R-really?! Where was it?!"

"Apparently it was shocking enough that he couldn't say what it was exactly, but he's gonna text me the address."

He found out where Chase went…

My chest feels weird again.

Hearing his name is having a strange effect on me.

I guess the only thing to do is to find out what's at the end of this rainbow.