Your Love For Mine

My fingers gently strum at the strings of the guitar.

I hadn't tuned it before Chase came in. It was fortunate that my chords sounded as colorful as they did.

My first performance before a boy.

And out of everyone I could have potentially selected, I chose the boy that my best friend is in love with.

Really, what a naughty girl I turned out to be.

"Haaa…"

At the very least, that moment was something I'll never regret.

Mustering up the courage to play like that when I've mostly been learning on my own did not come easy.

And best of all, he praised my performance.

He said I was like a professional.

Don't be silly, Chase. I learned everything I've done so far by studying music on the internet.

Pretty rude of you to trample over professionals by comparing them to my subpar performance.

…

Still.

As fresh as those compliments are in my mind, they're still being overshadowed by the elections.

Or more accurately, the moment after the results had been decided.

When Jennifer was declared co-president with Chase and homeroom was dismissed, the first thing she did was to walk up to me and take a seat at my desk.

The other students had already been filtering out of the room, so other than Ms. Bell and a handful of stragglers, it was just us.

"Can you believe it?" she asked. "I lost. I lost, I lost, I lost."

"I fucking lost…"

She was clearly talking to herself, but I was forced into being the audience for her frustration.

The disbelief was so clear in both her expression and her words that I thought she'd explode at any moment.

It had left a strong impression on me.

I'd almost never seen Jennifer like this.

The girl who had never tasted defeat before was suddenly forced to acknowledge that she had been got.

Naturally, I didn't respond.

There's nothing worse than a poorly worded reply when someone's feeling down.

And when it's Jennifer of all people, you really don't want to do something that risky.

"To think that stupid bitch would actually pull something like this off… I can't believe it."

That must've been a glimpse of how she truly sees Scarlet.

It's horrible.

That I led such a nice person into the arms of this…

"Oh well, that doesn't matter. None of it does."

And just like that, she was done.

It was almost as if her disappointment were a façade.

All the negative emotions she'd just been venting had disappeared with the wind.

She was back to being the same confident woman she always was.

"I still have the seat, I just need to plan for my next move."

Her monstrous determination had already set her back on track.

"What are you going to do next?" I asked.

Truth be told, I hadn't expected her to give me a serious answer.

In fact, I didn't even want to know, not really.

I only asked because it felt necessary.

Because at some point, I was going to have to say something.

Her next move? Why would she seriously answer that moments after her unsightly defeat?

But.

Contrary to my expectations, her next words knocked the little wind I had left out of my sails.

"I'm going to get the Student Body President impeached."

"…"

I almost wanted to blurt out the question "how?"

I'd never heard of a Student Body President getting impeached before, yet she was saying that she'd get it done on her own?

However, at the end of the day, the "how" didn't matter.

This is Jennifer Swift we're talking about here.

If she says she's going to do something, then she'll get it done.

Her victory might have been soured due to the tie, but at the end of the day, she still won the seat.

Jennifer Swift is still the kind of person who gets things done when she's decided on something.

"You look like you don't believe me."

Apparently, I'd let my surprise show on my face.

But she didn't let it get to her.

"The thing is, these elections showed me something very interesting. I might have found myself a powerful tool after all. I just wish I realized it before the elections."

"A tool…?"

"Oh, don't you worry about it. This one won't break like Scarlet did."

"…"

How could she say such cold things with such a sweet smile on her face?

I've known her for years, but that eerie way of speaking still gets to me.

And a new tool? Who was she talking about?

"Jennifer, we're leaving for the principal's office now."

"'Kaaay."

She hopped off my desk.

Well, none of that mattered to me.

In the end, I'll be forced to go along with whatever whim it is eventually.

There's no point in being curious now.

"Good luck, Jen."

At my words, she turned around with a sarcastic smile plastered to her face.

And then, she said the words that have been stuck in my head for the entire day.

"You're so loyal, Momo. I wish Scarlet could've been a good dog like you."

After saying her piece, she left me behind while following our homeroom teacher.

It was the first time she'd ever spoken down to me like that.

When she's in her usual cheery mood, the two of us could speak on equal terms.

I could even get snappy with her depending on the situation.

But deep down, I've always been terrified of her.

I've been so terrified that I've been going along with everything she wants.

Not because I'm her friend.

No.

I'm just that scared of what she could do to me.

And that was the first time she ever openly admitted to knowing just how much power she has over me.

I'm just a coward.

Just like Chase was back when we first spoke in that room.

Perhaps that's why I was so frustrated after I played that game of chess with him.

Because as much as I hate to admit it, I did see a little bit of myself in him.

His hesitation, how noncommittal he was, everything.

It reminded me so much of myself so much that I wanted to scream.

It was pathetic.

In that moment, he was the most pathetic human being I ever had the displeasure of meeting.

But… what really bugged me was how he used those words of frustration and made himself stronger.

"The game hasn't even begun and yet you've already accepted defeat."

In one short week, he took those words to heart and became twice the person I ever was.

Just like that, he overcame the obstacle that I'd been so scared of for the past three years.

I wonder what the difference was.

Is my trauma just that much more severe?

Or is he just that much stronger a person?

Regardless of what it was, the fact is he did something which I thought was impossible.

He butted heads with Jen and came out alive.

And for that, he's earned my respect.

"…"

"…."

"….."

I continue my strumming as I let the quiet atmosphere of the music room sink in.

Really, I need to thank Jack for letting me use the room today.

His band must really need a female vocalist. He's been letting me push him around with Jennifer's orders for a whole month now.

Even going as far as to talk to Scarlet just because I nudged him in her direction…

Well, I guess with him being the guy that he is, it wasn't that big of a leap in character.

"…"

The sound of the door opening fills the room once more.

And with it, my strumming comes to a stop.

Is it Chase again?

Did he forget something?

"…"

"D-domo."

No, it's that weeb friend of theirs.

Sigmund Jackson.

"…"

I say nothing.

My eyes are intently focused on him.

To call it PTSD would be a bit of a stretch, but I do feel uncomfortable around people like him.

They're all the same.

Feeling attracted to me because I happened to be born Japanese.

I'm not a human being to them. I'm just an object of physical attraction.

While I'm sure that there are some girls who would be okay with that, I'm certainly not one of them. The whole thing just creeps me out.

"Can I come in?"

"…"

Once again, I say nothing.

I do however, tilt my head back down to my guitar and continue my strumming.

It's whatever. Chase vouched for his harmlessness so he should be fine. If he tries hitting on me then I'll just reject him sternly.

You can't do it nicely with guys like him. They'll misunderstand and assume there's a chance that it could become a relationship later.

But… there is no chance.

The moment you approach me because of something like anime, my opinion of you is fated to sink like a ship in the Mariana trench.

"Okay, I'm coming in."

Slowly and carefully, the boy in the dark green hoodie approaches then takes the seat across from me that Chase was previously sitting at.

Can't say I'm fond of him coming in uninvited, but if he isn't a bother then it doesn't matter to me.

"…"

"…"

For a while, the two of us bathe in the quiet atmosphere of the room.

Perhaps the sound of my strumming will get on his nerves eventually and force him to leave. My silence doesn't seem to have gotten the message across so far, so…

No, I'm just being spiteful. I already know what needs to be done here.

The strumming slowly comes to a halt as I look down at my nails to check for damage.

"So? What brings you here?"

The boy stays quiet for a while.

Did he not hear me, or is he thinking about how to answer?

Oh, he definitely heard me. He wouldn't dare ignore me after waltzing right in like this.

Still, he's taking a while.

I wonder what he…

"Did… did you and Scarlet make up?"

Oh, he's asking about that.

She joined their friend circle, didn't she?

Well it makes sense. Jen certainly isn't a fan of her after the whole Chase thing.

"Nope. Not a chance of that happening."

"I see."

"…"

What, that's it?

Usually you'd ask "why not?" when someone answers that vaguely, no?

Or was that just idle chatter for him?

"Are you sad?"

Of all the things he could…

"What kind of question is that?"

"Sorry, you just seem really sad right now."

"…"

Sad…

"What makes you say that?"

"You don't have to hide it, Momo-chan."

"Don't call me that."

"S-sorry."

Oh geez, I can't deal with this kid.

"Haa… What am I hiding, exactly?"

"If you aren't then it's fine, but…"

Sad?

Sad, huh?

Perhaps I am sad.

It would explain a lot of things.

For example, why I'm still here instead of running over to the bus that's probably gone by now.

Or why I'm mindlessly tuning a guitar that's I already tuned ten minutes ago.

Or… the excruciating pain in my chest right now.

"…"

Did we make up, huh?

Haha, if only.

The truth is Scarlet, you meant a lot to me.

In this world where I felt cornered at every turn, where Jen's will was constantly looming overhead…

You made every day at this terrible school just a little bit less lonely.

It's only been a month, but you really did become my best friend.

To lose that because of Jen's plan…

To lose that because of your jealousy…

To lose that because we both fell in love with the same boy…

…

Falling in love with someone is easier than you think. But you already know that don't you?

Those were the words I left him with.

And it's true. Of course it is.

I knew that better than both of you did.

"Hey. Sigmund, right?"

"Y-yeah?"

"How do I… not hide it?"

"Huh…?"

At first he appeared confused, but eventually he begins to deeply ponder my words.

It's a dumb question, but nonetheless he seems to be taking it rather seriously.

"You can try talking about it."

Talking…

About what?

About how unfairly this all played out?

I was just a puppet for Jen. I didn't lure Chase into that room because I wanted to.

But Scarlet refused to listen to me.

She chose to get emotional because I spent time with him behind her back.

"…"

I don't think I want to be friends with her anymore.

If this is all friends are, then…

Maybe I'd be better off without them.

"Haaa… talk about it, huh? I dunno. I'm not a big fan of that."

Burying my head in a book and running away from the pain sounds more like my speed.

"Why don't you try singing then? You sounded good through the door."

"… You were listening?"

"Geh, caught red-handed desu…"

Singing…

Hmm, that doesn't sound like a bad idea.

Singing about my problems.

If that isn't the most teenage girl thing I'll probably ever do…

Well, why not?

There's nothing left to lose at this point.

I take a deep breath, and then I begin strumming.

My guitar conjures up a melody that slow dances throughout the room.

It's a bitter-sweet melody.

One devoid of the happiness that you'd expect from a fourteen-year-old high school girl.

The melody is calm, but…

All I feel inside of me is frustration.

I'm upset at how unfair this all played out.

Why was I the bad guy?

I don't get it.

I was just trying to help…

"…"

Maybe singing really is the answer.

After strumming silently for a while, I finally open my mouth and begin singing.

"I have so much left to say but I'll just keep it to myself,

I know you'd never stop to think, consider any fucking thing.

You only hear what you want, block out every word you don't,

I hope that's all she ever wrote, you think I'd miss you but I won't..."

Maybe I never understood Scarlet as a person.

There's a chance that she desperately needed Chase as a person.

Needed him more than I could ever possibly understand.

Maybe that's why she lashed out like that.

But I always thought that the two of us were close enough to talk about things like that.

Your personality might have changed because of Jen, but our friendship never did.

Not until that day.

If I did something so wrong that it warranted all of this then, I wish you could've spoken to me about it.

Instead of acting like such a diva…

This hurts so bad.

If you really are willing to put me through this much pain, then…

I really might be better off without you.

"Cause every time I see your face

I want to die inside.

… But that's just the way I hide

You're the only one I never mind..."

It was always hard for me to talk to people.

There were always ulterior motives.

Because of my ethnicity,

Or because they wanted to get closer to Jen.

No one ever cared about me as a person.

It's hard to trust people after so many bad encounters.

But somehow, you managed to get me to open my heart.

You made me feel like I could be myself around you.

Like, you cared about how I felt and what I was doing.

That's why it hurts so much to be shunned like this.

Why you of all people, I wonder?

Why did it have to turn out like this?

This is betrayal…

Even though you meant so much to me…

"I have so much left to say that I don't even know myself

You'll never know how much I'd dread

Every single word you said

When everybody's gone you are the last one that I'd miss

and every dollar, I'd be rich

for every time you were a…"

"…"

And it all fell apart.

Not because of Jen, or some disagreement that the two of us happened to have.

No.

It fell apart because we fell in love with the same guy.

I know, it's bad.

I know, I'm in the wrong here.

But… Chase protected me, Scarlet.

Deep down, even though everything had been orchestrated, I really was terrified of what Ryan might do in that room.

So when Chase stood up for me, when he took charge, I couldn't help but feel something for him.

And the next day, despite me trying to pretend those feelings didn't happen, he told me he'd started reading that book I love so much.

He's the first person who's ever read that book because of me.

You'll never understand how excruciating that pain is.

How much it hurts to fall in love with your best friend's lover.

How much it hurts to realize that, no matter what happens in the future, that person will be off-limits to you for the rest of your life.

But I couldn't help it.

Because if he was your one in a thousand, then he's my one in a million.

And yet still, I decided not to make any moves. Because he was your boyfriend.

And even after I'd resolved myself to treat him as just a friend, I'd suddenly become responsible for your "break up".

And then you started avoiding me.

Would it have been wrong of me to pursue him, then?

Back then, not only did you hold a grudge against me, but you also broke it off with him.

Would it have been SO wrong of me, if I confessed to him right then and there?

…

No.

I could never do that to you.

After all, even after all of this, I still consider you to be my best friend in the whole world.

And all of this…

Everything…

It hurts so bad…

"'Cause every time I see your face

I want to die inside

But that's just the way I hide...

You're the only one I never mind."

The tears have been coming out for a while now.

I feel like I've been robbed of everything I care about in this world.

Now, the two of them are going to start dating.

Scarlet will finally get the Disney ending that she's always yearned for.

And I…

I'm living in another one of Shakespeare's tragedies.

"Hey Momo-chan. You voted for Chase, right?"

"…"

Once my strumming finally reaches to a satisfying end, I stop to wipe my tears away on my sleeve.

What is he asking about now?

"So what?"

"I'm sorry. It's my fault."

"Your… fault?"

"You like him, don't you?"

"…"

How on earth did he figure it out?

I get that Scarlet would since I was her rival in a sense, but…

Why would someone like him pay attention to how I feel?

I didn't know… people like him could…

"I'm apologizing because, um… I'm always talking about you, Momo-chan. About how you're the girl I love. This might sound rude but… because of me, Chase would never look at you that way. I mean, if he did go out with you then he'd be hurting me. And he'd never do that."

"…"

"… I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you."

I sigh.

"No, it's just… Maybe if Scarlet spoke about Chase the way you spoke to him about me, then…"

Then I wouldn't have fallen in love with him?

Maybe.

Maybe, but.

I don't even want to think about that.

Right now, all I know is that I'm alone because another one of Jen's plans.

I've lost both my best friend and the boy I love.

"This is all probably for the best. It kind of feels like I was destined to be this story's antagonist. When Chase was determined to make a path for himself, I kept telling him to give up. I didn't believe in him the way Scarlet did. I just wanted him to be safe."

"There's nothing wrong with wanting him to be safe."

"Of course there is. What's the point in being safe if you can't live your life the way you want to? Why would I wish that on him? Why couldn't I just believe in him like she did? Why couldn't I lend him some of my strength?"

It's because of Jennifer, isn't it?

Because that was the only way I knew how to deal with her.

That girl's claws are dug so deep into my skin that even in a situation like that…

No.

I can't blame her.

The truth is, I'm just a coward.

I couldn't act.

I couldn't help the two of them reach their goals.

All I could do was cast a lousy anonymous vote.

And because of it, I'm going to lose the two people I care so much about.

"… Hey Sigmund."

"Yes, Momo-chan?"

"Could you keep me company for a little while longer?"

"…"

"Guess not, huh?"

He stands up.

"Sorry. I'm supposed to meet up in the club room right now."

"The 'Fated Ones', right?"

"Yeah…"

"You and that Nicholas guy sure get along, don't you?"

"Yeah. He's my best friend."

Best friend...

I can't even begin to imagine how good that must feel right now.

"…"

My strumming starts up once more.

"Don't let me keep you, then."

"…"

"Momo-chan, I…"

"I'll be fine. I promise."

"That… so?"

My eyes gently shut themselves as I immerse myself in my strumming.

"I'll see you guys around, Sigmund."

"… Bye."

The sound of his footsteps recedes until the sound of the door closing echoes through the room.

Haha.

Unbelievable.

I can't believe he realized my feelings.

Chase was right.

He isn't such a bad guy after all.

Sigmund seems like the kind of person to put other people before himself regardless of how he might feel.

Maybe Chase wouldn't look at me as a romantic partner because of Sigmund's feelings, but if he had, I get the feeling that Sigmund would have hid the pain behind his smile for a long time.

That's the kind of vibe I get from him.

Maybe my fears were misplaced all this time.

Maybe, just like he shouldn't base his attraction to me on anime, I too shouldn't base my loathing of him on it.

But in the end, those are just maybes.

What-ifs.

In the end, I did nothing.

And this kind of ending is my reward.

Oh well.

That's irrelevant right now.

It's all irrelevant to what I feel right now.

The soul-crushing loneliness that I'm just going to have to accept.

"… I guess this is it."

I take a deep breath and begin singing the lyrics to the Beatles song "Let it be".

It seems a little pretentious to be singing this masterpiece over a silly high-school romance, but at this point I don't care anymore.

This song is the most cathartic thing I could think of.

My mind just needs a way to cope.

A way to ease the pain for now.

After all of this, I'm going to have to go back to burying myself in music and books.

That's the only way I can survive.

Not with people.

Because with them, I'll just keep getting hurt.

Rather than forcing something I have no control over, I should just keep to myself like I have been for the past three years.

"…"

My singing and playing both eventually come to an end.

The song definitely felt good, and I feel lighter now that I'm done, but…

But…

It still feels really fucking bad…

"Haha…"

What on earth happened to me?

Why do I feel so dead inside…?

I slowly reach over to grab my phone.

"…"

The wallpaper is still the same as ever.

It's that selfie she took of the two of us back then on the bus.

It was such a normal day, but looking back on it now, it might as well be one of my favorite all-time school memories.

"Momo!"

"H-hey, not so tight…"

"No, it has to be this much. It's the least I could do. That's so sweet of you!"

"S-scarlet, really… It's fine. Y-you don't have to…"

"Oh, don't be like that. Here! Let's take a selfie to commemorate!"

"…"

Ah. Now my phone's screen is wet.

That's no good.

"…"

There, that's better. All clean.

Okay.

Deep breaths.

It's fine, Momo.

You're fine.

Don't worry about it.

Because after today, these feelings will be discarded.

Because no matter how heartless Jen is, that isn't me.

Because no matter how much Scarlet despises me, I could never hate her back.

Because even if Chase did choose me, I would never go along with it.

That's just not who I am.

"… No matter what happens between us, no matter how much it hurts to be left alone like this, I could never do it, Scarlet."

I put the phone back in my pocket.

"No matter how deeply my feelings for him run, I could never take your love for mine."

Once the tears are done flowing once more, a cheery smile spreads across my face.

"That's just how much you mean to me, Scarlet Sterling."