You've Got Mail: A Cautionary Tale

Chapter 13 – They Meet Again

Edited By: DancingdolphinsYo

Of course, after trying it out, the great General Guan who had been living by the borders discovered that the people of the cities now really knew how to play. Making friends through the pigeon express was not just a simple exchange of mail, and the first reply was often a phallus drawing. Despite being very experienced and having no lack of bed warmers, this was truly an eye opener for General Guan.

He even confirmed it with Man Yue. They did not know when it started or who it started from, but drawings of phalluses had become the form of greeting. Thinking about Man Yue drawing his phallus and mailing them to several men, Guan Shanjin first laughed out loud, but next, had a rude awakening.

Naturally, he had sent people to investigate Adviser Wu. Qingcheng County was a small place, and it was too easy to collect information there. Adviser Wu’s background had been completely dug out by him, and so of course he knew that this middle-aged man was inherently shy. Together with his simple scholarly air, he would definitely get a shock if he were to receive a phallus drawing. Needless to say, Guan Shanjin was not worried about whether he would be shocked, but he was concerned about Wu Xingzi following this trend. He would definitely not be able to tolerate other people looking at the private part of the toy he had chosen.

Although they had yet to even officially meet each other, but before he got tired of Wu Xingzi this substitute, no one else would be allowed to touch even a hair of his.

The extremely conceited great General Guan straight away went to look for Manager Rancui, and they agreed that whenever Adviser Wu mailed out a drawing of his own phallus, there was no need to forward it, and it would be delivered straight to his hand. As for whether Manager Rancui agreed to it willingly or not, that was not something Guan Shanjin was bothered about, as the one suggesting it was the Chenyuan Sword of his.

Turning around like this, Guan Shanjin remained in Goose City and had a very amorous time with that accountant from SuShui Village. However, just like before, in less than half a month, Guan Shanjin got tired of him. After all, an imitation could never be as mesmerising as the genuine article.

This was also the moment when he received the first letter Wu Xingzi mailed to him.

According to tradition, together with a little wicked experimentation — Wu Xingzi had never ever sent a second letter to the same person, and this had became a sort of interesting observation in the Peng Society — Guan Shanjin mailed out the drawing of his phallus for the first time.

As for what happened after receiving Adviser Wu’s reply of a phallus, it was beyond his expectation, and so, Guan Shanjin ate him up at his own convenience. Despite getting annoyed several times by how Wu Xingzi’s expressions were not like that of Mr Lu during the process, he could not stop himself from hunting down those few traces that were similar.

After a night of passion, Guan Shanjin slept very deeply. Being part of the army that was stationed by the borders and having spent more than half his life on the battlefield, Guan Shanjin was not a person who could fall asleep easily. His vigilance was also very high, and just a little noise could alert him from his sleep. As such, when he discovered that the portion of the bed was cool to touch when he woke up and that there was no one there, he was unprecedentedly horrified.

He did not even put his clothes on properly, casually pulling his trousers on and with bare feet, pushed the door open. Glaring at his subordinates who were standing on guard outside, he questioned harshly, “Where is he?”

The two subordinates looked at each other in dismay and were shocked by his demon-like appearance. After being stunned for a short moment and seeing that he was about to pull his sword out, they hurriedly answered, “Adviser Wu has been invited by Manager Rancui to have a chat.”

“Rancui?” Guan Shanjin was speechless. He slammed the door shut, quickly dressed up and casually tied up his hair. The raging fire in his heart did not simmer down, but instead it burned even brighter, as though it was a snarling beast that wanted to burst out.

No one, no one had ever left him like this after such acts of passion. Guan Shanjin was very confident in his looks and skills. There was no denying, towards those people who always put on such airs, but still ended up losing themselves in the pleasure he gave them, he always felt disdainful.

There was nothing special about this Wu Xingzi. His timidness and shyness, and his inexperienced yet wild behaviour during the passionate act, it was completely different from how proper and upright he acted in the day when he had his clothes on. Guan Shanjin had seen too many people like these, and so he always felt fed up by such people.

Who would have thought that this quail-like old man actually dared to run away after sleeping with him!

“Damn you Wu Xingzi!” Guan Shanjin gnashed his teeth, and with a pound of his fist, the table turned into dust. With a wave of his hands, the display cabinet by the window was no longer safe, and together with the exquisite antiques, they all went crashing on the floor.

The subordinates outside listened to the crashes, trembling in their boots. A quarter of an hour later, the door finally opened, and Guan Shanjin walked out with bloodshot eyes. He shot a look at the salesman who, after hearing the noises, quickly came over to investigate. He frostily said, “Bring me to see Rancui.”

“Uhh…” The salesman mopped at the cold sweat on his forehead, trying to avoid Guan Shanjin’s sharp glare.

“Is there a problem?” Guan Shanjin sneered, his hand on the door exerting a little force, and he quickly caught a door panel. The next moment, spider web-like cracks appeared through the panel and shattered.

The salesman quaked and stared stupefied at the wood chips on the ground, as well as the chaos in the room. His gasps sounded like bellows, and he looked like he was about to collapse onto the ground, losing his consciousness.

Naturally, the great General Guan would not let him escape with such a method. He strode forward, his clawed hand savagely gripping the salesman’s throat and coolly yet cloyingly said, “If you faint, I’ll break every single bone in your body one by one, starting from your fingers…” Then, his other hand stroked the salesman’s little finger.

Even though he had seen many trials in his life, the salesman was still frightened to the point of choking and nearly cried. Only by suppressing himself as much as possible, did he not pee his pants; still he was shivering to the extent where he could barely speak a word.

“R-r-ran… P-p-please f-f-fol-low m-m-me…”

The difference in his manners was too big, and the salesman had yet to get used to it. He was still shivering, but a smile was already on his face.

That distorted smile was hideous.

“The two of you can go and do some self-imposed punishments.” Before he left, Guan Shanjin tossed his words indifferently at his subordinates. The towering men stiffened up obviously, but did not find excuses for themselves and acknowledged him with low agreements.

※※※

Several days passed. Since Wu Xingzi experienced the acts of passion, he was very satisfied for a long time. His sleep was so much better, and he no longer had wet dreams. With the lowering temperature, it was time to start preparing for winter. Wu Xingzi went to the magistrate’s office daily, dealing with the case files and writing indictments for his fellow villagers. After work, he would go home and mend what needed to be mended, and strengthen what needed to be strengthened. His roof was nailed down, his windows were repaired. Although Qingcheng County was in South Xinjiang, where it would not snow in winter, the cold winds were mingled with moisture, and that bone piercing cold was really unbearable.

When he received a surprise, it was already the day for the new edition of The Pengornisseur to be published.

He was on the way home, thinking about whether he should poach two eggs in his noodle soup. However, out of nowhere, he suddenly thought about the two full round balls below a pengornis, and his pants tightened fiercely. He was nearly unable to walk and had to awkwardly bend over slightly. Shrinking into the corner of a wall for quite some time, he finally calmed down.

Who would be in the new edition of The Pengornisseur?

His already carefree heart became even more joyful. It had been very long since Wu Xingzi thought about his plans on committing suicide at the age of forty.

Since he had remembered it, then he should go to Goose City tomorrow. As such, Wu Xingzi made a turn and headed to Old Liu’s place. After confirming the time to set off and getting a bag of roasted chestnuts shoved in his arms by Auntie Liu, he peeled the chestnuts and ate them as he walked home.

When Wu Xingzi arrived at his doorstep, only a slit of red was left in the horizon. He was also down to his last chestnut, and so he just peeled it and stuffed it into his mouth. After tossing the chestnut shells at where the firewood was stored, he opened his door.

“You’re back?”

“I’m back…” Wu Xingzi answered instinctively, then trembled as he came to a realisation. Staring with wide eyes inside his simple little home, there was a vague silhouette in there.

Was it a person or a ghost?

He stood by the door in a fix. Both his hands and feet were chilled, he tried his best to not let his shivering be obvious and rejoiced in the fact that there were still one and a half chestnuts in his mouth; even if his teeth were chattering, it could not be heard.

The person in the house was considerate. After laughing lightly, he lit a candle, and the cramp room soon glowed with warm candlelight.

At the same time, an indescribably beautiful face was also lit up.

“M-master Guan… No no no, General Guan, General Guan…” Discovering that the person was someone he knew, Wu Xingzi immediately sighed in relief and cupped his hands at him.

“Advisor Wu.” Guan Shanjin remained seated imposingly, his fingertips sweeping past the flame of the candle, and his fair skin instantly reddened. Afraid of pain, Wu Xingzi had already squinted his eyes, but he still behaved as though nothing happened to him. “Adviser Wu, come in quick. This is your home, why are you standing outside?”

It sounded very considerate, but something seemed to be not quite right?

Wu Xingzi scratched his cheek and took two timid steps forward. He had finally entered his home, but did not know if he should close the door. To turn and reveal his back to Guan Shanjin, for some reason, he felt a little shy about it.

“Close the door, it’s getting cold.” Guan Shanjin glanced at him, his soft lips curved up in a faint smile. In the wavering candle light, he looked coldly elegant.

“Yes, yes.” Wu Xingzi continued saying yes. He reached behind him and spent quite some time before he felt his door handle and finally managed to close the door.

“Have you eaten?” Guan Shanjin was very satisfied with Wu Xingzi’s reaction, and a bright delight could be seen in his cold eyes.

“Not really…” Wu Xingzi rubbed his belly and swallowed down what was left of the chestnuts in his mouth. Of course, he was still hungry, those chestnuts just now were not even enough to cushion his stomach and instead made him even hungrier. “Has the general eaten yet?” Being here, he was a guest, so Wu Xingzi asked after him politely.

“Not yet.” Guan Shanjin smiled, brushing his fingertip through the flame again. “I wanted to wait for Adviser Wu to eat together.”

“Of course, of course. I’m only afraid that you won’t like the food.” Although Wu Xingzi lived in poverty, as a host, he still had some provisions in the house, enough to prepare some gnocchi stew. “It might take some time before it’s ready. General Guan, if you’re hungry, I’ll fry some vegetables first?” He happened to have those two eggs, and the leeks he planted in the backyard were ready to be cut. Now was the time when they were the most tender, a dish of scrambled eggs with leeks, it should be enough to let Guan Shanjin pad his stomach first.

Having made his decision, Wu Xingzi rolled up his sleeves and was not as timid and shy as before — after all, their pengornis and hole had already spent a night together, there was nothing left to be awkward about — and went out to the backyard to cut the leeks.

Guan Shanjin did not stop him, just staring after his silhouette, as he bustled back and forth, with his passionate and charming eyes.

Soon, a plate of scrambled eggs with leeks arrived on the table. Wu Xingzi placed the chopsticks on the table as well, and said, “General Guan, please eat first. On my way back, I ate some chestnuts so I’m not that hungry. The gnocchi needs some time to prepare, please don’t go hungry.”

“Thanks.” Guan Shanjin picked up his chopsticks, then picked some scrambled eggs with leeks, put them into his mouth and chewed.

The leeks were freshly cut, sweet and tender. It did not have the bitter taste of vegetables, and the flames used to cook the dish was perfect. The crisp leeks together with the silkiness of eggs, although it could not be called an amazing delicacy, it was enough for people to enjoy it. Still Guan Shanjin put his chopsticks down after a bite, stood up, walked to the entrance of the kitchen and stared at the person inside kneading the dough.

The kitchen was very small, filled to the brim with pots, bowls, ladles, and a stove. The rest of the space was only enough for Wu Xingzi to squat down and start a fire.

Having not seen him in a while, Wu Xingzi seemed to have gotten thinner, which made his mouth looked wider, and his pouty lips looked like they were smiling.

It was clear that Wu Xingzi was used to cooking. The fat balls of dough soon entered the pot, and within moments, they bubbled up to the surface. They were all scooped up, and next, all sorts of mountain vegetables and a small chunk of minced bacon were thrown into the pot to braise. After it boiled, he returned the gnocchi into the pot and simmered it for awhile, and then the dish was done.

“Uhh…” Wu Xingzi turned his head and unexpectedly met Guan Shanjin’s alluring eyes. With a tilt of his body, the bowl in his hand looked like it was going to fall.

Guan Shanjin moved very quickly. In the blink of an eye, he had one arm around the person, another hand steadying the bowl and prevented a small catastrophe.

“Thank you.” Wu Xingzi blushed lightly. The fragrance that belonged to Guan Shanjin cloyingly wafted past his nose, and behind him was the man’s strong and warm body, it was nearly impossible for him not to think about that night!

“It’s no bother.” Guan Shanjin nudged the bowl back into Wu Xingzi’s hand and pushed him out of the kitchen. He ladled a bowl of gnocchi stew for himself and returned to his original seat and sat down. “Let’s eat.”

The meal was quiet, but nobody was paying attention to how the food actually tasted.