365 Kinds of Difficult Living Methods

My name is Xia Yihan, this is not my real name, but after using it for too long, I almost forgot my original name.

My name is Mu Han, Mu of admiration, and Han Bing.

The teacher said that my mother gave me a good name, and she was laughing at me.

Laughing at me is different.

When did I discover that I was different?

Probably in the second-grade classroom, SpongeBob is on the screen, and the yellow hair cake in the pants asks everywhere: Am I ugly? Am I ugly? All the classmates were hahahaha, or quack, but the teacher thought I was asleep with my eyes open.

Maybe it was to send out test papers. The teacher sent out one by one. The same table suddenly turned around and said to me: I'm so nervous, are you nervous? I nodded. I learned the word nervous.

It could also be that when crossing the road, a private car crushed the cat to death. It happened to pass by me, and in the next second, it condensed into a flowered fur on the ground, mixed with splashing liquid. Dad ran and hugged me to the side of the road and asked: Didn’t you scare you?

I found that people are troublesome animals with many emotions. The textbook also classified them as: "happy", the picture is a child grinning; "surprise", the picture is a child's birthday; "sad", The picture shows a child who scored 59 points on the test.

The teacher gave us a demonstration. She talked about the word surprise, her expression was exaggerated, her eyes were stuffed with copper bells, her mouth was stuffed with eggs, and her hand movements changed every second: "Imagine your birthday. Mom and Dad prepared it for you. The gift, as soon as you open it, you find that it is something you have wanted for a long time."

The classmates laughed and talked about it.

Later, I learned about the word "heart blindness" and imagined an apple. Some people can paint a still life oil painting in their brains, and some people have a blank mind without any color outline.

The teacher made us feel the emotions when we received the gift, and my body was blank.

Although I am not rare, I sometimes wonder what it feels like.

Sometimes when I walk on the street, I see people around me frowning, downcast, expressionless, and anxious. I feel that we are in the same sea. They are swimming, surrounded by the sea, and they separate and close with their movements. I was also in the sea, but the sides of my body were frozen, I couldn't swim, I just stayed in the ice.

Sometimes people around are swimming too much, the ripples of the sea water are dense, and it reaches the ice layer. I can feel a trace of vibration, but there is only such a trace, and it is fleeting.

Learning emotions is very troublesome for me. First I want to remember the nouns, then the corresponding expressions, and the person's reaction.

Sometimes I will remember it.

When she was four years old, her mother's puppy died. She opened her eyes wide, yelled "Yeah", and walked around the kennel.

I walked over and said to her: I know this is a surprise!

My mother's eyes opened wider and her mouth opened, looking at me speechless. She was even more surprised.

But I don't rely solely on rote memorization, I can feel excited and angry.

When I was young, my mother played hide-and-seek with me. I hid in the closet and waited for her to search. My muscles were dancing. From hair to toenails, I closed my eyes and nestled in my coat, in the dark, listening When it came to the beating of my heart-that was the sound of excitement.

Later, my mother refused to play games with me. I hid in the closet. After waiting for a long time, the door did not open. That feeling was gone.

My mother refused to hug me anymore. She likes children. I saw that she bought a lot of fairy tale books, as well as children’s reading materials, one after another magazines, printed with children of all sizes, and the front teeth came out of laughter. Not as cute as I am, nor as pretty as I am.

Mom hugs other people's children, hugs puppies, and pillows, but she doesn't hug me.

I thought it was because of the smell on my body. I rubbed it hard when I took a bath. After washing, I saw my arms were red, and I smelled it. It was fragrant.

But I am fragrant, she still doesn't hold it.

When I came home from school, I got off the school bus and saw a fat **** the lawn. Her mother was leading her and walking into the community. She twisted her body and cried: Mom, I want to eat pizza, eat pizza.

Then her mother agreed to her and took her down the street.

I looked at the fat girl bouncing around and I was angry.

She is obviously older than me, why does her mother lead her and take her out to eat pizza!

Is it because she can act like a baby?

I thought: If I act like a baby too, will my mother hug me?

I wrote down the girl's movements and tone, rehearsed in my mind, and walked home.

After returning home, I found my mother lying on the floor of the dining room. She looked serene, her eyelashes were tightly closed without blinking.

She died, that was her body.

I took her hand and said: Mom, let's go eat pizza.

She ignored me, as before, didn't look for me, didn't hold me, or talk to me.

I went back to my room and started to do my homework. I don't want to eat pizza anymore.

After my mother was carried away, there was no more mother in the house, and the excitement was gone.

There is also a father in the family, mother is dead, he is very sad, I have seen him cry like a Shar Pei, his eyes and eyebrows are drooping, his eyes popping down.

Dad wants me to be happy, I can feel it. He always wants to take me out to play, take me to eat good things, buy me new clothes, every time he is over, he will ask: Xiaohan, are you happy?

I say happy.

If there is no feeling of happiness.

On my birthday, he always rushed back, carrying a box of cakes, and he even prepared gifts for me. I don't quite understand his aesthetics.

My mother used to buy me clothes, and I thought I was a little princess. Later, when my father bought me clothes, I thought I was a pet dog.

I want to tell him: I don't want a gift, you can return my mother to me.

But I never said, I was afraid that he would be like a Shar Pei again, his eyes and eyebrows were frowning, and tears were falling.

But this idea changed later.

My father sent me away and sent me to Chenyang. He said he was too busy to take care of me and asked my aunt and uncle to take care of me.

In Chenyang, it's my birthday again, and the gift I want has changed. I don't want my mother to come back, I want my father to come back.

So I went back to Wangjiang to find him, but he was gone, and I kept looking for him for a long time.

Later, I found him by the locust tree in Huaxieting. He was lying in the pit, dirty and messy, his eyelashes were tightly closed like a mother.

I shaved away the dirt on his face, and I said: Dad, let's go eat cake.

He ignored me. He used to like to talk to me very much.

I was angry, even more angry than when Xiaomei died.

Because I saw the murderer clearly, there were five of them, and they dug a hole together and buried Dad.

Maybe I don't understand other emotions, but I understand anger, because of anger, I can do many things.

At the same time, I am very thankful that I have no other emotions.

They are a burden to me.

In the orphanage, whipping pains me but does not scare me. Knives and guns make me bleed, but they won't make me retreat.

Killings and fights excite me. In the arena, every nerve of mine is cheering.

The pony-tailed man always thought he could break me, he was an idiot, he didn't know that I was fearless at all.

He should kill me, not torture me, because torture will make me angry and will only make me stronger than him.

Revenge is a good thing, it makes me angry, but it also excites me.

I want to put a knife in each murderer and carve Sophora japonica flowers on them. I feel like I am cutting pizza and making cakes.

Their fear is mixed with the breath of blood, sweet and delicious.

But they are just a side dish of the tooth-making festival. The real highlight is the Superman Division Chief. I was very excited since the first time I saw her.

I looked at her chin, her neck, there were carotid arteries there, and I could see the beating of her arteries.

I was very excited when I thought of revenge and pinching her neck.

But what excites me most is her tracking.

She always follows me, looking for me everywhere, no matter where I go, she will follow me.

Is she playing hide and seek with me?

Will she hug me when she finds me?

Every time I carved acacia flowers, I became more excited, I thought: I left a reminder, and she will follow up soon!

But there are also downsides. There was a person in Wuhuai who imitated and sculpted Sophora japonica flowers. She followed and circled around that person.

I'm angry, why did she go to find someone else

So I personally went over and brought her to my side.

In the rental room with her, she has always been kind and harmless, like a soft alpaca, with soft ears and soft body, because she knows that if she loses her temper, I will break her. neck.

So she pretended to be friendly and maintained a good relationship with me.

She is also very smart and has been trying to contact her party members.

After successfully stabbing the four murderers, I am very satisfied, and I plan to go to Superman in person.

So I was caught, and fell into her magic den.

She took me to a villa, a mysterious place, a great place for lynching.

She put on electronic shackles for me, but if I move fast enough, I can wipe her neck and let the blood stain the whole room.

I think, restraining me, it's time for her to show her true shape.

I guess she would press the shock button, let me sit on the torture chair, feed me chili water, and scold me as a bastard.

This is great, I can break her neck without hesitation.

But she didn't. She gave me flowers, took me to dance, and made food for me. I thought the food was poisonous, and then found out that she ate more than me.

She was laughing all the time, pretending to be gentle and considerate,

I think she is really a hypocritical woman.

And she is not dedicated to her work, she doesn't concentrate on my words, she doesn't concentrate on brainwashing me, and she keeps running outside.

I was angry again, I hid, and if she didn't keep looking at me, I wouldn't let her watch.

Later, she brought me back to her lair. I am very grateful to her. This confirmed my thoughts. In a building that seems to have no entrance, there really is no cave, and it is all large and small machines.

She was finally about to do it, she was going to persecute me spiritually.

I can break her neck again!

But she just put on a helmet for me and asked me a few simple questions.

Later, her father came, which was Chu Dongren. At that time, I almost forgot who Chu Dongren was. I seemed to have forgotten revenge. My attention was all on her.

Chu Dongren told me that she and him are the closest people, and they are also the people they like best.

I was angry, I stood up to tear his mouth.

But she blocked him, and if I passed, she would stop me.

Why does she care about him so much?

I thought about it for a long time, and I figured it out, it was her father. She didn't know what he was doing, even if she knew, he was still her father.

Others killed my dad, and my anger has not been quenched.

If I kill her father, she will be angry, just like me.

I call her "sister, elder sister" every day, but she is not her younger sister, and I will kill her father in the end.

She will be furious.

If she yelled at me, if she yelled at me, if she slapped me, if she wanted to put me in jail, what would happen to me?

It doesn't matter, I will not be afraid or sad, I am fearless.

I am not afraid of anything, this is my most powerful weapon, and what I am most proud of.

But since that day, I developed a novel feeling. I don’t know what it is, but I am uncomfortable. I am uncomfortable. I clearly feel that it is not a cold, not a fever, nor the influence of outside temperature and humidity, but the chest cavity. Discomfort from the inside.

In the orphanage, the pony-tailed man would break my arm, the Taishan would smash my brain out on the stage, and the flame would devour my body in the crematorium. I was not so uncomfortable.

The closer I get to the completion of the revenge plan, the more uncomfortable I am. I can control the development of events, but I can no longer control how I feel.

She told me a story.

A vigorous fairy tale.

The witch in the fairy tale is a big idiot. She took the girl in, fed her food, made her a robe, and talked to her, but the girl ran away without looking back.

Because that witch is ugly and weird, just like me. I can't empathize with others, but I know the witch.

It's as if my heart doesn't grow in my chest. It grows outside. It's invaluable. When people around you see it, they will **** my heart away, and then a piece of my chest will be vacated and you can reach it when you reach out.

So I started to understand, it was her that made me uncomfortable.

After my mother died, I was outside the community and saw another child whose mother was about to take the toy away from him. He cried and rolled around on the grass, and finally lost his anger.

Why are you crying? Why are you so stupid?

If you don’t want that toy and treat it as your own, isn’t it all right?

I feel bad, I have been trying to overcome it, so in the end I decided that I don't want her anymore.

I don't want her to pay attention to me, don't want her to hug me, don't want her to make me food, don't want her to hide and seek with me, I don't want her to talk to me.

I don't want her anymore.

But she didn't know, she thought we were still fine, she thought I would always call her sister.

She would always smile at me and always be nice to me.

I stabbed her with a knife and rioted the whole hospital. I want to drive her away. She can't be so good to me, otherwise I can't help thinking that I will go home with her and stay together forever.

After escaping from the hospital, I was thinking, at this time, we should all be cleaned, all smelling good, and lying on the bed together, she would tell me stories and accompany me to sleep.

If it's not for me, I don't want her.

It's nice that she didn't ignore me or leave me.

I made a wise choice because I no longer feel uncomfortable and can focus on revenge.

After the revenge is complete, I can completely get rid of her control.

But she is a pester, always following me.

Huaxie Court trial, I need to concentrate, I want to play steadily, everything was fine, but she came, she said she loves me, she wants to take me home.

She coaxed me. At that time, I felt that I was safe in this world, and there were still people who wanted me to live and hope that I lived well.

My hands shook when I was carving acacia flowers, and I began to feel uncomfortable again.

She stood by the door and said she loved me and wanted to take me home, but when I walked out of that door, she was about to leave me.

At that time, I was so eager to go to prison. The prison had four walls and a metal door. It was a solid box. I could put the heart that grew out of my chest into the box, and no one could take it away.

I feel safe.

From then on I will no longer feel angry, nor will I be excited anymore, but I have got one thing in exchange-I won't be uncomfortable anymore.

But she refused to let me go.

She keeps coming to me. Her expression is very strange and her voice is very strange. I have seen countless people and heard countless voices. I can distinguish their emotions accurately, but I can't understand her.

Her face was faint, and her voice was soft, containing too many things, like a thin sheet of paper, full of words, beyond the scope of my understanding.

She seemed happy, sad, excited, and decadent.

She said: Xiaohan, talk to me.

At that moment, I thought I was dead, she took my hand and said: Let's go eat pizza.

Later, she did not come to me, but she stood outside the room, like a tree, with green leaves that could cast a shadow, but there were interlaced wounds on the trunk.

Why doesn't she go? Why is it still there?

I think: Mom is gone.

Xiaomei is gone.

Dad is gone.

Why hasn't she left yet?

I saw her shadow outside and wanted to stand on tiptoe, and said to her through the iron railing: Go, leave here, don’t come back again, no one here will accompany you to eat pizza, no one to accompany you to buy cakes, and no People will pick up Bougainvillea with you. This is an empty house. Go away and don't come back.

Don't come back again, or you will be abandoned and you will be injured.