endless roses

Chapter 113 A Certain Kind of Loyalty
Some people say that the difference between celibacy and celibacy is that the latter will fall in love. I probably just take it as an experience, not to relieve loneliness.I'm not so stupid that I didn't know it was a strike-up, although it took hours to realize that asking for directions was an excuse, since this guy is working, it's not that he doesn't know how to get to Guanqian Street.But why did I give the contact information? Because I didn’t speak when I drew the map for the stranger, and I put the earphones back on. People probably thought they ignored them. From the corner of my eye, I saw him take out the phone, put it back slightly, and then took it out again. Put it back and hold it again, and ask if you can add a WeChat.I thought it was cute to be brave after such a struggle, so I said, "Yes."

During English class in the morning, a nerve in the lower jaw suddenly convulsed, which was very painful, just like the occasional leg cramps at night. At that time, the teacher was talking about Maugham's "A friend in need", and I stroked my cheek trying to relieve the pain , while listening to the man named "Burton", calmly and gently telling the story of how he caused a young man to drown and die, he still smiled so politely, thinking about himself, whether I am also duplicity.

I keep saying that I want to be loyal to myself, but I am so casual, or I just say I am loyal to this casual and playful attitude of life, and I don’t want to go against my own will, really, it’s not easy-going at all.I felt ashamed of myself, and at the same time realized that this "shame" probably came from a certain masochistic tendency in my personality, spurred and suppressed by myself.

Then, haha, I don’t remember what that person looked like, so I can only describe it that way. The one that impressed me the most was the green shirt. I don’t know if it’s a plaid pattern.This kind of attention to local details is reflected in all aspects of my life. For example, when I saw several artists in the backstage of the art center, what attracted me was the black velvet glossy piano cases they were carrying; it was like watching boys on the playground. When we play ball, our attention is always on that ball; just like a strand of someone’s hair, patterns on clothes, individual sentences in poems, flashes of friends, etc. that I see on the road every day, it seems to be just the background.The focus is scattered over countless details

At noon, I bought an English version of "The Book of Uneasiness", which turned out to be "The Record of Anxiety". Although I have it, I have never read it before.

Maybe, this person is a dull little boy, maybe he's a jerk, who knows, it doesn't matter, if there is any sign of discomfort, he will cut it off.The speed that can be grasped is that no matter how you treat the game, it must always be at its own pace, so that it will not cut itself off. This is also my dominance and stubbornness.

Suddenly thinking of Yan Geling's "The Sojourner" and the Shanghai piano in it, the sense of wandering and dissociation throughout this novel is always around. I am playing with life like this, hey.

July 6, morning

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I couldn't sleep, I looked at myself in the mirror in the bathroom, there was never a stage in my life where my hair was as long as it is today, and there was never a time when it was as cold as it is now.

I asked myself: Did I really cut myself off from the future?Why do you keep saying those words?
June 6, early morning
(End of this chapter)