endless roses

Chapter 14 The Poet's Heart
"Hey."

"Here I am."

"Ah, it's me."

"Mei'er, what's the matter, can you tell me something?"

"Yes." My voice was very weak, and I was afraid of disturbing him, but I couldn't help but want to tell him, "You said before that you were very interested in my father, and now I am willing to talk about it, which is why everyone wants to sleep Suddenly remembered, do you still listen?"

"Listen." Tang Ji was very straightforward.

"Well, as before, get ready for the small bench of the mind world."

"Sit down."

"You don't need to talk, just nod at most, or just answer when I ask you. Also, if you are sleepy, just go to sleep and don't worry about me."

"learn."

"Ah Ji, do you remember that there was a time when I was in middle school, I always called you, very frequently, there was a reason for that, my father was always very depressed at that time."

"Uncle Su?" He was puzzled by the impression that his father was always bright and lively.

"Yes." I said, "I'm very worried. Every time I call him to tell him interesting things in life, I want to make him happy, but sometimes no one answers, and I don't dare to call more. While walking, but every time I think of that scene, I think he is going to jump into the river."

There was an "um" on the other end of the phone as a response, and I knew he had been listening, so I continued on my own.

"One time he took me to a class reunion. When an unfamiliar uncle came to toast, his face was a little worried, and he said to him, 'Mingfu, you can't learn from that Kawabata Yasunari.' I heard it, but I didn't understand it. What does it mean, asked him on the way back, his father said: "Haha, Su Xiaomei, I don't even know the allusions of Kawabata Yasunari." Then, he raised his head, lightly clasped his hands in front of his mouth, and said with a playful smile: " That's how he put the gas tank down his throat.'"

"Akai, at that time I was always afraid, maybe a little nervous, I always felt that one day my father would suddenly disappear, although he never came back, although I was used to calling him every day to talk about my thoughts since I was very young. I am afraid, I am afraid that one day there will be no such person again, and I am even more afraid that he thinks that no one in this world cares about him, but he always scares me like this. As revenge, I did not call him for half a month. It was like being angry, and I chatted with you during that time. But I know that he is such a lonely person, and no one cares about him like this except his daughter. Later, he surrendered first. One morning, while I was still asleep, I received a call. "

"Father said: 'Mei'er, what's going on recently, Dad has been waiting for you to chat, did Dad raise his voice a little sad last time, I'm sorry, I apologize to you, don't ignore Dad.'

I was in a daze, and heard the wind on the other side, so I asked: "Where are you, and there is the sound of birds." '

'Ha ha!Can't guess it, I'm on the loquat tree! '

'what? '

'Hanging a tree branch with one hand to pick loquats for you, I wandered around these days and found an abandoned place where weeds were overgrown, but there are many fruit trees that have not been pruned for a long time and have become barbaric!Thinking of picking some of the freshest for my daughter lol. '

'you. 'I didn't know what to say, it was warm and funny, and asked:'Still standing on the tree? '

'Come down come down. 'With a soft rustling sound, when he landed on the ground and introduced the appearance of this wild loquat to me, the discomfort of those days disappeared. "

"Later, I received a box full of loquats, but, Akai, the box sent over was used by his current wife to buy cosmetics."

"I don't miss him at all, it should be, I won't continue talking with you tonight, let's talk about poetry."

"I went to the cafeteria to buy food in the afternoon. When the sister scooped up the soy milk, she skimmed off the froth and asked if sugar was added. I said no. You know I like sweets, but drinks are excluded. Well, let's start the lecture."

"After I finished writing a diary entry to be handed in in the second grade, I added another one. The content was about seeing my father holding the bowl while soaking his feet, and asked in surprise: How did he put the socks in the bowl! He said dumbfoundingly: Take a good look at where the socks are. This is the venetian. At that time, the father asked me to recite the pipa, which is equivalent to 22 quatrains. The title plus the author and the poem have 622 characters. How could he bear it! Dream of Red Mansions talked about gourd Temple, I learned the sentences of "gentle and rich township" and "worthy is another year of time". By the way, I have memorized the song notes and Jinling city official talisman; the Romance of the Three Kingdoms has just begun, and the first page talks a lot In history, there is also a wrong note of "Han Gaozu Liu Xiu."

"I copied the book with Zhu Yuansi on the front page of Guwenguanzhi. He talked about how clear the water is, how clear the small fish and shrimp are, and where are Fuyang and Tonglu? A hundred miles of water. What is a good bird, such chirping and the beauty of "watching the peak and calming the heart". The beauty is that in the shadow of the mottled trees, sometimes the sun appears, and sometimes there are naughty little birds scurrying around with their hands covering their faces. Mae.

The black hands of the charcoal seller are just like my unwashed hands after school every day, "fingered black", but the old man stopped at the south gate, and his things were taken away at a low price.It turns out that the fourth sound of "riding" means the person riding a horse.It's a pity that he wears so little, and more than a thousand catties of charcoal are only exchanged for half a bolt of red gauze and a zhang of silk.

Wuling was meandering with fine waves, so he took the corn cob I gnawed and started to sing. By the way, his boy from the Friends of Fei’s family recited the phrase "all smiles after the three armies" and laughed a lot. , the laughter was hearty and long, like the man in "Red Lantern" with a vigorous 'Ha!ha!Hahaha~' Later I would laugh like this after saying this sentence.

After Mao selected the collection of good sentences, he picked some and asked me to write the next sentence and practice pen. After I finished correcting, I used a brush to write and paste Spring Festival couplets on red paper.Jianghu Yeyu has been a dream for more than ten years. I have long forgotten what I wrote when I was young. Really, it looks like a dream.At that time, when I wake up, I will talk about my dreams to the people around me. They are unlucky, but I will still listen. Since this is the case, I have never stopped, like a long-lasting ritual-wake up and talk to the first acquaintance I see. Dream, I have also told you a lot.

Regarding Haizi, I was nine or ten years old when I first met him.One day he waved his hand, and when it was over, the stinky guy was going to recite poetry again. This time it was different, it was facing the sea, and the few words were easy to recite, which was the first reason for liking modern poetry. 'Starting tomorrow, be a happy person, feed horses, chop firewood, and travel around the world. 'I said I really want to travel around the world. My father made a plan. When I grew up, I bought two excellent road bikes and rode all over the country together. I also planned to be a missionary when I was 60. I said I would go to spread the gospel with him.A house by the sea. I opened a store in a seaside city in [-]. I often ride my father’s motorcycle to the beach to play with my family, ride the waves, touch kelp, and pick up shells. One day when I came home, I found small crabs in the kelp.

One year, a bookstore opened somewhere in the small town, and he brought a copy of "Zhimo's Poems" back with me.From then on, the happiness of Snow Flower, Sayanara, Farewell to Cambridge, Hardy's poem, the heavy dialogue between the ghost and the newlywed, those deaths, that accidental meeting, the lonely and empty bench, all entered my dream .I have always loved Zhimo very much. Later, I saw the love between him and various women on the Baijia Forum. Lu Xiaoman’s arrogance is modern and his frustration. I read a piece of Hu Shi’s "Remembrance of Zhimo". I will always remember that scene. He crashed into that mountain and was engulfed by the fire, so romantic that he had the illusion of living to death.

I just learned to 'think', that is, I can read a book without reading it to my heart. I am only three or four years old.At that time, there was still a small shop at home, with many shelves and snacks, and my parents were still very young.I was so excited to go to my dad and say, 'I'll think about it!I will think about it! ' And the grown-ups don't seem to care.At that time, there were small foreign banknotes in the wine purchased at home, and later I found a lot of them in a few old readers.

He bought me the "Book of Songs" in blue, and there was another book that seemed to be "Mandarin" before I could read all the characters, so I was forced to read Guanju. Fa Tan and Shuoshu probably didn't memorize it until the second grade. . "Kill the sandalwood, put it dry on the river."The river is clear and rippling.No crops, no crops, three hundred grains of rice?If you don't hunt, don't hunt, Hu Zhanerting has a scorpion?The gentleman is not a vegetarian. 'Try to read first, look up the stuck places with me and explain the meaning by the way, then write pinyin on the top of the words, and then read it silently several times until you are familiar with it.There will be a kind of sympathy, these people are so pitiful, they are always bullied by all kinds of rich and powerful people, and they can't live their most ordinary life.At that time, Dad had studied the cultivation of flamingos for a while. Could it be the garden in front of my house? At least the fence must be ordered first. Later, the fence was actually ordered, but it was only for the maintenance of the garden. At the beginning of "The Rat", I was joking with Uncle Wei Ye, who is my father's friend and old classmate.They vividly described to me the troubles encountered by the ancients: "Small rats and rats, I have no food for millet, a three-year-old girl, I am not willing to care." "Big mouse, big mouse, don't eat my food, okay~ I've been raising you for so long, take care of me~ That'female' is actually pronounced as 'ru', which means you, big mouse.

Gao Tang Mingjing's sad and white hair, I read the phrase "sorrow" with a funny voice dubbed by Zhou Xingchi, which is "sorrow~ (shaking here)", morning like blue silk and evening into snow, haha, I knew it was funny , you laughed too.

I told my father that I wanted to cut my hair short. It was so hot in summer. He said, "Don't cut it. You have long sleeves that reach your waist and are good at dancing. You look good with long hair." 'Okay~ I cut it in the end, I have to live my life to the fullest, long hair can be cut short and long again, right hee hee.

Wuhuama, Qianjinqiu, I also want to drink orange juice every day and stay drunk.

Then I talked about "Diary": "Sister, I'm in Delingha tonight. This is a desolate city in the rain." 'I just read it, even now, this sentence will make me feel a little sad, the rain, the desolate city, brings its own depression.

'Besides those who pass and live, this is the only last lyric, this is the only, last steppe. 'After that, I planted the desire to go to the Northwest, because there are grasslands and desolation.I like the latter phrase 'stones for stones' and 'victory for victories', not only because of its confusion, but also because of repetition can save a few words.

'Tonight, the highland barley belongs only to itself. He then talked about how delicious barley wine is, and people in XZ also make milk tea with barley cakes, which I have never tried.

'I can't hold a teardrop when I'm sad', as I said before, he pronounced the 'one' of a drop as 'doubt' and stretched it out, so there was a lot of sadness in it, which also reflected that his Mandarin is not so good. standard; and when I read it, I will feel a little heavy in the tone of "a teardrop", as if a little person has experienced the vicissitudes of the world and looked down on the vicissitudes of life.The last sentence, human beings, tonight Haizi doesn’t care about human beings and only thinks about his sister. What about his father, what is he thinking about? I was listening to the poems, and I also called my daughter "the eternal ideal" in the article. As the so-called "ideal", what was I thinking about at that time?
Love's "Beyond the Smoke" seems to be a year or two later. I recited it in the Children's Day class activity in the fourth grade, and the teacher matched me a piece of ocean waves; Xue Boyi gave up the spot to that girl, and she read my manuscript in the final, alas, let's not talk about it.

"Calling your name in the sound of the waves, but your name is already beyond Qianfan, the shoe print on the left is only afternoon, and the shoe print on the right is already dusk..." This is the one left and one right, and now the song about Luo Dayou "Will Enter the Wine" is very fond of, the beginning is "the tide comes and goes, the sunset and sunrise, the Yellow River has also become a strange flowing water", help, I really have no end to diverge, from Luo Dayou's "Childhood" to Li Bai's many Poetry can go on, stop first and talk about it next time.

'He kneels to you, to the cloud that/beautiful the whole afternoon yesterday.Hi Yo!Why among the many lights, only the one at a loss" (I will slow down after reading this, with a very restrained sense of grief)
"What else can I say, your eyes that were once called clouds are now called smoke~" Yes, life is like this, what else can I say, even a little girl like me can't say anything.The "eyes" of the eyes will read more vaguely, and the most proud thing is to read the sentence "Yan~". My father always likes to listen to me reading poems. That sentence will slowly spit out the word "Smoke", the lighter and lighter Lightly, and then dissipated into silence like smoke and dust.

All the lotus are making noise, let’s not talk anymore, I have brought too many beautiful dreams. Today, when I read about throwing stones at the heart of the pool, I seem to see Lin Daiyu leaning on the king of Wu. , are the chairs around the pavilion, and Wu Wang is the chairs on the left and right in the corridor.Throwing stones towards the center of the lake; I saw me picking up a blade of grass by the lake and throwing it into the water.

"The silence of being independent in the lotus", I was left behind and independent. At that time, I was as noble and compassionate as my father. I always looked melancholy, but I was also a little girl who liked to go to the supermarket and liked Barbie dolls and plush Toys, go to the supermarket and grab one or two hundred fast snacks and eat two-thirds of them in one night.

'I'm gone, halfway and stopped/waiting for you/waiting for you to call me softly. 'Oh, what a poem.I wrote a poem about lotus in middle school. Do you remember it? Yes, it’s the one you commented on Meier as a rising star in the poetry world in the 21st century. I’ll see if I can find it later.

In "The Difficult Road to Shu", he talked about the dangers of the mountains, what the cableway looks like, what the natural moats are like, what about fighting wars, knights walk among them, restaurants are at the foot of the mountain, and people look at the fear and awe of the deep and distant cloud and mist middle road.

"Snow White Wall" may be in the third or fourth grade. "Mom, I saw the snow-white wall~" Thinking of this, I feel a little sad.He went to the street to buy crayons in the early morning, and the workers were painting the walls. It seemed that when he and his father sang a song about the wall and dusk, I don’t know who wrote it, maybe it was written by us, but those rough words will Always, the wall whiter than milk, the wall shining with charming light, the voice of the poet and the memory of his heavenly father will, do you hear, will you?This little poem, which was born 20 years earlier than me, flows into my heart like this, warm and moist, so pitiful and sad, even if it is a white wall, it will always be dirty, so Daiyu will be sad for the fallen flowers, and call it back when it is clean. Go clean, how can I float into the stinky ditch, how can I be adults often say, "Life is unsatisfactory nine times out of ten", at that time I presupposed that my fate would not be too good, I am very happy to see and accept this Not a happy ending.

One day when he was more than ten years old, he said, you live in an ivory tower, but it will collapse, and I am afraid that you will be hurt.But, Dad, since you don't want me to idealize everything, why did you teach me to read poetry, why did you act like a lonely poet to teach me this kind of false nobility and compassion, why I never understand that others would Afraid of their father, but I have chatted with you for four or ten minutes, an hour or more since I was a child, from three, four, five years old, to 10 years old, except for the days when he always disappeared, I would chat like this every day.I talked to him about life, psychology, study, friendship, and vague love, and sometimes I wrote some ordinary skewered ancient poems on cigarette shells and took photos and sent them. .

I am a petite girl, if he provokes me, I will endure it for several days without calling him, or answering the phone coldly without chatting, it is still very hard to endure at that time, and soon he will be on his own I remembered that a few days ago a certain sentence was a little louder to apologize, and then everyone cleared up their suspicions and went back to the past.A good friend said that you have a deep Electra complex.Yes and no, father is not only a friend who has known each other for many years, but also a person who can understand and care for each other in this ridiculous world.The biggest wish for him is to wish him well, not to have so much pain, not to make trouble with his own heart, not to create more misfortune for others, not to care about others, just because he creates misfortune for others, he will automatically I don't want him to be in this situation.

It's like a good friend crying one day but I don't persuade her, because I'm already by her side, and she hasn't cried for a long time. It's good for her to vent her emotions properly. Saying something inappropriate, shedding tears occasionally can moisten her eyes.It was only later that I realized that everyone cared about the comfort from friends’ language, even if it was very pale, it turns out that the support represented by language will make people feel at ease.

There are too many others. Guwen Guanzhi memorized more than ten articles when he was young. There is a copy of "Du Fu", that thick book of [-] Tang and Song poems, a comprehensive book of Chinese studies, the Four Books and Five Classics... Although I haven't read them all, I have memorized a lot of them, just because of his hateful and careless memorization need to check.The three-character classic and scholarly history were sent the day before elementary school. I have been fooled by this one. Today I will only talk about poetry. I will talk about foreign novels and contemporary ones later, at least until the end of the exam week. "

"This stinky guy seems to be a dream that made up a poem for me. He also told me not to be so idealized, and he always reminded me of becoming a person who will idealize everything. He is not a qualified father, but I love him."

"How should I put it, I also had some self-destructive tendencies before. The most serious period of depression was that I was hurt last summer. You know, it was the shadow of my life. After my father left, I met people who were not good. I once felt that It is unbearable for me to be in the midst of polluting love. The so-called swordsman’s romance is still the heart of a poet after all, and it is the kind of poet who closes his heart and is not free enough. On the way to forge a sword, if he misses it, he will not return. It turns out that the sword in the heart can be thrown away, but if you insist on admitting that it is the bent one, it is tantamount to the collapse of a certain belief. I am a swordsman, and you are a swordsman. If you are realistic, you know how to study every day, then As for father, um, I don’t know, could it be that he is a traveler from the Heaven and Earth One Seagull?”

"What happened in summer is definitely not love. Javert jumped from the dam into the river of Les Miserables because of the collapse of his beliefs; Haizi took the Bible and Walden Lake and lay quietly in the Shanhai Pass, thinking for a long time whether he was crushed into two Duan or Sanduan; but he really always walks along the river bank, I can't tell whether he is planning to fish or commit suicide; Zweig and his wife died of poisoning in a small room in Brazil; Chrysanthemum and knife The whiteness and splendor of the cherry blossoms; many people who sank or disappeared in the 70s and [-]s; and the countless articles and stories I have read, those sincere and lovely people, they are not so happy, or just die and disappear Lost.

What happened a long time ago, this paragraph is almost forgotten, let’s forget it, and continue to talk about father. "

"In the fifth grade, I planted a small wish. I wanted to visit the former residence of Haizi in AH Huaining. Dongpo, hahaha, there are too many to talk about; I like it very much, but it’s a bit buoyant. How can I describe it? The floating feeling of the text? The form of the drama seems to be relatively plain; Ask me to memorize a few lyrics by Fang Wenshan (let’s count them as poems); what is Li Bai’s Recalling Qin’e is the originator of the lyrics..."

"Dongpo's drunken Linjiang fairy came into contact with him after a long time. After reading it, I can't help but ask: who is Yingying? The most memorable one is Jiangchengzi written to Wang Fu, a dream, a dream of ten years. What was written before The only essay in the past tense mentioned that is not rubbish is also a dream, but a hundred words are better than all my dreams and words."

"Ye Lai You Meng, she is dressing up, ordinary and trivial, moving. Seeing his dead wife in the dream, his heart must be broken. In "Good Will Catcher", Sang En recalled the deceased lover, and only remembered that she was captured by his own at night. The loud fart woke him up and asked if the professor let it go, and then comforted him. Sann would laugh out loud when he recalled it, and took off his glasses and wiped his tears with his sleeve. Thinking about it, I seem to be able to understand the hearts of those ancient white-headed palace ladies for a while."

"Heavy makeup, red lips, while thinking about a certain boy and many trivial matters. I also like Wang Chaoyun. Dongpo patted his belly and asked everyone what's in their stomachs. The phrase 'a bachelor's belly is out of date' called Lao Su Xiao I’m so happy. My father also loves Dongpo, and he can cook Dongpo meat. Although he really puts his heart into it, I don’t eat fatty meat and say it’s not delicious, so he stopped making it after that. There’s also the song with bamboo stick Don’t be afraid of the misty rain in shoes, the previous generation seemed to wear straw sandals made by parents when they were young.”

"I didn't like the article on Happy Journey for the simple reason that it was too long. I had to memorize it very hard at the time, and I kept typing typos. I loved his little butterfly the most. When I saw a butterfly, I could call him 'Zhuangzi'. There used to be a lazy I still like to watch the cartoon called "Zhuangzi Shuo". Poems are songs, and it’s too late to talk about songs. The songs I liked before were basically 90s songs. Because my father liked them, I was exposed to these when I was young. We will also howl together on the road about the vastness of the sea and the sky and the glory days in Cantonese... In fact, many songs, if you pay attention, you will find that they are poems, such as Dylan."

"I'm still holding the plush cat in my arms. I'm listening to the song and talking on the phone with you. I don't know what to say. I hope you don't mind, and I know you don't mind."

"I think of the first poem in my life, Li Bai's "Looking at Tianmen Mountain", which is earlier than Goose Goose, and the small class has not yet started. I took the small blackboard from my hometown and went to the old gentleman in the village. Will write the four characters 'spring, summer, autumn and winter'. Tianmen Mountain was taught by him or my father, I forgot.

The Tianmen interrupted the opening of the Chu River, and the clear water flowed eastward here.

The green hills on both sides of the strait are facing each other, and the lone sail is coming.

The clear water can still go back and forth, and the small sailboat carrying the sunset is getting closer and closer to me from there. Is there someone who wants to wave to me and say hello, "Xiaomei Xiaomei, let's go together" or 'haven't seen you for a long time'. "

"Ok, finish! Are you asleep?" I asked carefully, knowing that I had been bothering me for a long time.

"No."

"By the way, Ah Ji, let me tell you, I found a real lover, although not necessarily together."

"Ah."

"You know, I'm a pessimist."

"That's good." After a moment of silence, he asked again: "What kind of person is he?"

"It's very different from me, almost complementary." I said, "I've always felt that you are another me, even, I have always regarded you as my imaginary lover, so I just told you so suddenly, a bit abrupt, But like in the past, you are not given the possibility of rejection or acceptance, as long as you know."

"It's okay, I'm used to it."

"The last time I learned about the death of the deceased, I always wanted to tell you, afraid that you would not know that you were loved like this, but the moment I told you, I also gave up. In order to ensure the perfection of your image in the inner world, I don't want to lose you, and then I thought, maybe I don't love you, I just want to be you, this attraction is fatal to me."

"You always put the look more important than the real person."

"Ah."

"However, I envy your state of mind very much. You always think that you are the same, but we outsiders see you have changed a lot."

"The core remains the same, it becomes just irrelevant details." I said, "Actually, I'm tired of talking, I don't want to repeat this point again, I just want to ask, are we still okay, friends for life?"

"I think it already is."

"I might not talk to you like this after you go to America."

"Did something happen?"

"I want to love real people."

"very good."

"I left something for you, you never knew, a small booklet about you this year, I will show you later, it is a poem." I said, "Well, what about you? Give me a gift, and I will say goodbye next week."

"You, there must be."

"I knew it, what is it?"

"The record player."

"Wow, is it the silver one on your table? I've been thinking about it for a long time."

"Yes."

"Yeah! Well, it's time to go to bed. There are review and speech preparations tomorrow. Thank you for always being willing to listen to me."

"No thanks, I'm enjoying it too, well, it's late, go to sleep."

"Good night."

"Good night."

(End of this chapter)