Since the Accounting: A Chronicle of the Roman Khanate

Chapter 557 Breaking the Cycle of Despair
"I'm not saying this to win sympathy." Seeing this, Eudocia emphasized to everyone again: "In such an environment, it is conceivable that there is no warmth. In fact, I think that place is just Others who are born as saints or are unscrupulous will probably not survive.”

"Of course, most of those who actually survive are the latter. Therefore, the second direct consequence of this state is the loss of morality. Just like my mother, other people may not care about their children. Some are running for a living and are too busy to have time, while others are simply numb from the torment.”

"After I learned about those deeds, I admire your ancestors very much." She said to Zhu Wenkui: "In that situation, many people will become crazy even if they survive. If you can endure this kind of suffering, you can still do So many things, this must be the tenacity and strength of the soul, to a degree beyond my imagination.”

"Actually, he must have suffered a lot of trauma. To be honest, no matter how stubborn a person is, if he has experienced what happened at the end of the Yuan Dynasty, it will probably leave a deep psychological shadow. His relatives and close ministers all know something about it. Zhu Wenkui shook his head:
"It's just that he had too many things to do, and he never had any time off until his death. Moreover, in his later years, the environment around him was pretty good. At least he was the emperor and no longer had to face the situation of separated relatives... Ah, Although, some nominal relatives are really better off separated."

"It's in name only." Tuo Huan didn't know much about it, but he didn't care too much and said with emotion: "No wonder I don't like Yuan Ren so much..."

"Hey, there are so many heroes in the Central Plains." Eudocia looked a little complicated: "There are too few people who have the motivation and ability to change their own destiny."

"Many times, it's not that I don't think about it, but that I don't know what to do at all. I know these people relatively well, because my mother is such a person. She is very... practical and very ambitious. Of course, there are All the qualities necessary to climb up from the bottom. But if it goes beyond this range, she won’t know what to do.”

"She has been hoping that I can have children with Xuan Ying soon. For this reason, she personally came to guide me and asked me to learn some skills from her every day on how to please a man. I didn't want to learn and wanted to read more books, so she scolded me. Not doing a proper job..." Eudocia said helplessly: "Well, from her perspective, what is a 'real job' is indeed up for debate..."

"The reason why she has these thoughts is because she sees such examples in her daily life. The most successful one seems to be the mistress of a rich official of the Ministry of Etiquette. This is how she raised her children. They went to the official's house to make a fuss. The official had a chance to get promoted, but he was afraid of causing trouble and attracting the attention of his competitors, so he quickly prepared money and sent them away. There are others like her who seem to think they have learned it and always want to give it a try.”

"But she doesn't understand at all the difference between a junior official in the Ministry of Rites and a Zhuguo. This is beyond her ability to understand." Odosia shook her head: "Of course, I am not qualified to laugh at her. After all, I am also very knowledgeable. Limited. I didn’t fully understand it at the time, and there were other reasons why I refused.”

"But, brother Li, haven't you thought about helping you? With him, even if you can't get married, the situation will be much better, right?" He seemed to be thinking of his adoptive father's illegitimate children, so he asked specifically.

"Xuanying has never looked down on me, and the few people around him who knew the situation didn't say anything. But I know that it is impossible for me to enter the kind of life in his family." She frowned and said bluntly: "I came back The environment doesn't matter, after all, that's where I came from. Among the girls who lived with me before, I was the only one who could live to this age. If you look at it this way, I'm not at a loss... "

"This is not normal." Guo Kang muttered, but did not dwell on it and continued to ask: "What happens after that? You mean, you are not afraid of death, but you are afraid of harming your children?"

"Why is that?" Guo Kang asked curiously.

"Wait a minute." Guo Kang interrupted: "How old were you when you were thinking about this?"

"Maybe when I was eleven or twelve years old." Eudosia thought for a while and said.

"I still have to be like her, working hard, enduring pain, competing with greedy relatives and ruthless colleagues, and making peace with people I don't like at all; while at the same time, I have to continue to persecute other people, even my own children. , what is the purpose of transferring these sufferings to them?”

Theodora sighed and looked at Guo Kang. Shi Ke, Cao Jian and others also felt emotional.

"I have no power to change all of this. If I struggled in other ways, I would probably die early; and if I followed my mother's path, then I would be a more powerful person than her at best."

"If you are thirteen or fourteen years old, it would be normal for you to get married seriously. But if you don't live to be eleven or twelve years old, then..." Even having sex feels that these people have gone too far.

"In the end, I thought, I'd better not have children." She told Guo Kang her conclusion: "Whether it is a boy or a girl, giving birth to a child is to let him continue to live in the same way as his mother and his grandmother. There is really no need to go through this cycle of pain. Let’s end it here.”

"Although I wasn't too old at that time, after all, I grew up in... this kind of environment. I have seen many examples. I can also guess some of what my mother can think of. I have always been very concerned about this. resist."

"I think that is not good for everyone." Eudocia said truthfully: "Although I didn't show it at the time, in my heart, I had always been resentful towards the environment I was in, as well as my mother, uncle and others. When I got older and had children, I already understood my situation. ”

"If I have a child with him, then the child will definitely become a tool for gambling. I know this kind of 'tool man' too well. No one will really care about him, and his situation may be even more miserable than mine. ." She shook her head: "I don't want my children to face this situation at all."

"This sounds quite desperate..." Cao Jian shook his head and said, "I also complained about various problems at home before. Looking at it this way, I am actually being sentimental."

"Yes. I've had enough of that environment." Eudosia shook her head and explained: "My mother grew up in this environment, and I am the same. So, on the one hand, I resent her , On the other hand, based on my ignorant rationality at the time, I felt that I couldn’t accuse her of anything. After all, in this situation, it seemed that this was all I could do.”

"I also considered it in the meantime." Odosia replied: "Xuanying's enlightenment came much later than me. When he was about fifteen years old, he may have realized that he and I were in love with each other. At that time, his The performance became so exaggerated that I was shaken.”

"However, after all, I can't be like him. He can live a carefree life and express his feelings, but I need a lot of things and cannot be blinded by emotions. Even if the truth is not romantic, or even painful, it must Let’s face it seriously and make plans for our future.”

"After that, I made inquiries in many places to find out what the specific situation was." She said: "I'm not bragging, but maybe it's because I grew up in such an environment where I needed to watch people's actions since I was a child. I can guess some of the attitude and the reasons behind it." "Some people in the Li family did know about our affairs. Later, I heard that they felt that their young master had to work so hard and find a woman to accompany him. There’s nothing wrong with just having fun. If something happens, it won’t be difficult to deal with and it won’t be a big deal.”

"Well, those servants in his family may be used to fighting, and they always talk like this..." Guo Kang had no choice but to smooth things over: "Actually, it's not like this."

"Yes." Tuo Huan also said: "If something happens with the master's family and a fight breaks out, then the roof of their Guo family's house will probably be flattened..."

"what?"

"I'm not blaming them. Compared with all the malice I've encountered, these truths are nothing." Odosia ignored Guo Kang, who looked confused: "What really makes me think is that so many years Come on, the whole thing unfolds.”

"Over the years, I have tried many ways to achieve my goals and pursue what I want. However, I gradually discovered that relying on my own strength is completely insufficient; relying on the support of my mother and other investors who are more powerful than me Strength still can't do anything; in the end, even relying on Xuan Ying's strength can't achieve the goal. "

"My mother was no longer an obstacle at this time. She finally realized that this investment was a complete failure and did not bring her any return. She beat me and scolded me for a time, blaming me for my lack of enterprising spirit. But I never refused. She was willing to go further with Xuanying, but she had no choice but to do so. In the end, the relationship between the two of us became closer and closer, and I also joined the circle of wealthy people. When I met Miss Joanna, my mother was afraid that I would take the opportunity to retaliate. She didn’t dare to say anything more.”

"Someone once suggested that I should wait patiently. When Xuanying has achieved military success and a higher position, I can stop caring so much about the family's taboos. The only problem is that Xuanying definitely can't wait so long. He will find other girls he likes and marry into the same family. However, it is impossible for me to be his wife. It is enough to give him more support. It’s enough for people like us to eat for a long time.”

"But that's not what I'm thinking about."

"At this time, my horizons have broadened a lot. Maybe because my life has improved, I have begun to discover more problems and think about more things."

"At that time, I wondered whether the rules in his family, and the experience that I had always been dissatisfied with and felt had ruined my happiness, were appropriate. But after asking about and thinking about it, I found that this rule was not It doesn’t make sense.”

"On the contrary, it is indeed a bloody lesson that even people like me can recognize after calming down."

Eudocia pointed at herself:
"It's very simple - I was complaining before and didn't want my children to fall into the same situation as me. For this reason, I would rather stay away from my lover and not have children. So, if I were Xuanying's mother, I would be happy to let myself Will my child have contact with people from this place? If my son also wants to find a girl from this background, will I support it? "

Guo Kang and others did not answer, and she was not surprised. He continued: "I have just talked about the situation in that place and the destruction of humanity and morality there. Those actresses and prostitutes have witnessed the most terrible things over and over again. Exaggerated beauty and hustle and bustle, specially accumulated for people to watch, while living an extremely poor and powerless life. "

"Many of these people have lost their basic emotional abilities and sense of right and wrong, not to mention foresight and reason. As a result, they are unable to respond normally to the kindness of others, and instead become animals chasing glitz. Most of them Most people, under the dual torment of this kind of dream and reality, have become... can be said to be crazy. "

"Of course I am not immune to the impact." She shook her head and said: "Sometimes I feel that my spirit has been tainted long ago, and I am not worthy of him at all. I have a kind of desire to break the jar. a feeling of."

"After thinking about this, I quickly came to the conclusion that I really shouldn't marry Xuanying. It would harm him."

"After that, I was confused for a while and didn't know what to do. Xuanying asked me, but I didn't know how to tell him. I was also afraid that our relationship would be too close and someone would be interested in him - there were such little people around him. There are probably quite a few of them. I am also worried that if I alienate him, he will misunderstand me and think that I am deliberately trying to get something from him - there are indeed many such women around me. "

"In the end, I can only conclude that it is not my fault, nor his fault. And people like my mother are too shallow and insignificant to bear the problems of the entire group and the entire society. So in the end, I It will be concluded that the culprit lies at the top.”

"So you just want to cause them more casualties?" Guo Kang asked.

"I ranked them in order according to the degree of responsibility and direct correlation I think." Eudocia said: "The reason why I calculated those Greek businessmen and the high-ranking officials behind them was because they , are directly involved in the operation and profit sharing. They are the most direct beneficiaries of our deformed and ugly group, which is constantly operating and poisoning people. I think if we can make them die more, we can deal with this. A cycle of despair that causes maximum destruction.”

"Where are the citizens in the arena?" Guo Kang continued to ask.

"Most of them are people with leisure and money. They basically overlap with the groups that often visit us." Odosia seemed to have really investigated and told him calmly: "I think, on the one hand, They are also participating in evil. On the other hand, I am familiar with their group and can make better use of them.”

"Then why did you find those French people? Are they familiar to you?" Guo Kang asked strangely.

"Their leader was introduced to me by Miss Joanna. As for the other French people..." Eudocia frowned: "They are the most enthusiastic customers of prostitutes."

"...Okay." Guo Kang suddenly understood again.

(End of this chapter)