It's a diary

Chapter 7 Humph!coward

People's emotions come and go quickly.

For cheerful and lively people, this is as simple as eating and drinking.But for a timid fool like me who thinks too much, it is like falling into countless self-doubts and it is difficult to extricate myself.

I don't know what other people are like.I can’t think of it, and I can’t think about it.

Even if you tell me, I may not understand.

I can understand it, but I can't fully empathize with it.

So it's completely unnecessary. You don't need to understand me, and I don't need to ask or talk.

As for the chronicles I am writing now, I have not yet figured out what they belong to.

Why do you persevere and spend part of your time writing every day?Fear? Loneliness? Or boredom?
Do not understand!

I hate these messy questions, but I can’t help myself from thinking about them.

The answer to all questions is that it is pointless and unnecessary.

And it is true.

Of course, some people disagree.

all right!You have your own ideas, you have your own unique way of thinking, that's right, that's good.

My head hurts.It started again.

Can never get rid of it.No matter how much medicine I took, no matter how many times I went to the doctor, no matter how many highly respected doctors I went to... there was still nothing I could do to change my current situation.

I have lived like this for three years.

Now, it's mine, fourth year.

I'm glad that I have the courage to tell you this now, although I still don't know what my motivation is for doing so.

Maybe it’s to comfort my fragile and sensitive heart, or maybe it’s hoping to get some companionship and encouragement.

Two years ago today, I seemed to have just returned to school.

Facing countless new faces and enthusiastic classmates, my eyes were full of indifference and confusion.

I want to escape.I want to run away.

but I do not have.By the time I came to my senses, tears were already covering my cheeks. They around me wanted to come closer, but they kept retreating because they were still unfamiliar with me.

Just like me.

Only go back, not forward.

I'm doing very well now.

Don't compare with others, only compare with your past self.

I've done very well.

But I couldn't help but start to think, I am very good compared with myself, but if others don't know about that past, what if I don't want others to know either.So, how should I convince him, don't force me to be like others.

I envy all those who can live happily and easily.Very envious.

No hatred, no resentment... just envy and unwillingness.

Envy is easy to understand. If you are not willing to give in, it is because if there is an if, I can do that too.

I need time, lots and lots of time.

You can't help me, doctors can't save me, and medicine can't cure me.But I want to live, as long as I live a little more decently.

If possible, I would like to stand at a very high place with this body that has suffered irreversible losses. On that day, I may bow to the people coming and going at the busiest street intersection.

Stand up straight, endure the pain, and bend down the most injured waist.

"Thank you and thank me." Of course, this kind of thought can only be thought of in dreams.

Just like my name.

miss miss.

If you can get it, how can you miss it?

My name may have destined my future life to be a tragedy. ——I miss you but can’t get it, so I can only continue to think deeply.

I want to live, but with dignity.

If he relied on drugs to hang on to his life, he would have difficulty breathing and even standing.That would make no sense.

My lower back was the most severely injured, and even after three years, I still have pain from time to time.Especially on hazy and rainy days, especially in cold winter days...

I will always be afraid of this and that.

I'm a complete coward!

I am petty and stingy and cannot be calm and indifferent at all.

My friend said to me: "Who is not timid?"

I replied to her: "Yes! Who is not timid?"

You are not timid, at least you are braver than me.

This is an advantage, please continue to pay attention to it and maintain it.

In such a good school, I can barely see some expectations for the future.

Similarly, in such a school, everyone is doing well.This can't help but make me fall into self-doubt again - whether it's just me and this is so bad.

Those who are in worse shape than me are more calm and confident than me; those who are in better shape than me have defeated me thousands of times just by doing this...

How am I not terrible?
A person who even stands for 10 minutes will feel pain for half an hour.Is it important that a sick body cannot be blown by the cold wind or endure the smog?Does a overthinking and selfish idiot deserve to have preferences?
Do you come to comfort me when I cry?
do not know.

But I know that with my current timid character and sensitive temper, I will retreat and shut up.

This time, although I will not knock off the tissue you handed me, I still dare not move forward.

Ask, I’m not in Beiyu, so I can’t afford to gamble.

I staked not only the courage I had accumulated over the past three years, but also my future and my life.

But I won't let this happen.Will not.Because I still want to live for the time being, at least I can’t die in a foreign country!

If I were in Beiyu now, I would tell you.The sea of ​​kelsang flowers in Yuanyuan is in bloom, it is very beautiful and bright. I hope you can go and see it, and I also hope you can take me with you.

But now, no.Because I'm not in Beiyu, I can only tell you, "The wind in Qingzhou tonight is so cold that I even sneeze."

I once planted a pot of Gesang flowers.

I don't know if it was my lack of care or the purple clay flower pot that was too small. It only bloomed once and then left.

Then, winter arrived.

The winter last year was very cold. At that time, I was actually lucky, "You came here and received all the care and attention. Even though the flower only bloomed once, you still saw everything in the world. It was too cold in the winter. Fortunately, you didn't see it."

Hope, I hope this winter won't be too cold.

Hope, I hope spring comes sooner in Beiyu.

Pray, pray that I can survive this winter again.

Longing for good weather and prosperity in the coming year.

(End of this chapter)