i'm not a bad man

Chapter 335
The sky is getting darker and darker. Looking at it, the whole world seems to have turned gray-white, but it is not time to turn on the lights, so everything looks so dry and boring, even though the sea is right in front of you, and there are thousands of fish in the sea. , but still feel dry and boring, and then lose the desire to talk, but the fantasy never stops.

I imagined myself as a fish in the sea, a luminous fish. My original intention was to illuminate the darkness in front of me, but I also became the easiest target for predators. I just felt like countless hungry sharks were coming from all directions. , greedy, bloodthirsty... I was frightened by this, and wanted to extinguish the light on my body, but found that it was something I was born with. I just watched those sharks rush towards me crazily...

I left the water and imagined myself as a bird trying to escape the pain. The places I flew over were full of killings, disputes, unfairness, threats of death, and endless conflicts... Finally, I was about to run out of strength. When I was young, I found a pure land. Just when I wanted to fall down, I suddenly found that I had no feet. My feet were left on that dirty land. I could only stay in this pure land. He kept hovering in the sky, and finally he was completely exhausted and fell heavily to the ground, vomiting blood...

Simply, I imagined myself as a war machine, a tank, with no emotions, no stance, only destruction. I fired shells crazily towards places with life. Finally, I saw the fire and smelled the fire from others. The bloody smell came up, and I didn't have time to think about what it felt like. A shell flew towards me with bright light... Destroyed, and in the end, only scattered parts and the diffuse smell of engine oil were left. Everything returned to calm, and nothing happened. After a while, there were countless bursting sounds, and fire shot into the sky!
……

There were no fires in the sky, but the industrial lights on Huangdao on the other side lit up. The originally gray-white world finally had some other colors because of these lights. I looked at the time, and it happened to be 05:30.

Lu Xi and I seemed to have been silent for a long, long time. Even the previously lively Joy had fallen into a deep sleep. Lu Xi held it in its arms without it noticing.

I finally spoke to Lu Xi and said, "You know what? In fact, when I decided to go out and wander, I didn't think about traveling across the country. My original idea was just to find a quiet town and open a small restaurant. I cook breakfast for others every day; in the afternoon, I go fishing, and the town I settled in must be a very beautiful and quiet town, like an unfolded picture. While fishing, I will also interact with It blends into one... I firmly believe that I can find such a small town, so I drove all the way from Tianjin to Guizhou... I don’t know if you have ever been to Guizhou, but there is such a place in Guizhou. There are many There are mountains, but they are not connected to each other. Rivers and streams flow through the gaps between these mountains. Moreover, the sky there is very blue, very blue, with clouds floating in the sky like cotton candy, and the wind Very light... This is how I felt after I first arrived in that town. I felt that this was the place I was looking for... I fell into a state of excitement that I had never experienced before, and immediately decided to stay there... I was I found a bun shop in the town and learned how to make buns from the boss every day, in order to get closer to the life I imagined... There was also a waiter in the bun shop who had some intellectual problems, and people in the town called him a fool... He is a person who loves to laugh very much. He laughs at everyone he meets. For me at that time, this kind of smile that didn’t care about anything was a kind of healing. So over time, I actually became friends with this idiot, and They are friends who talk about everything... Jibao has never left this town, so he likes to listen to my stories about the outside world. He does not believe that the sea is bigger than the reservoir outside their town, nor does he believe that there are dozens of rivers in Shanghai. In case of a one-square-meter mansion, he still doesn't believe that there is such a place as a nightclub. As long as he spends money, he can find a woman to spend the night with him... He only has this town in his eyes; don't think he is mentally ill, but he also has what he likes Man, the woman he likes is a widow with a six-and-a-half-year-old son. People in the town call her Sanniang... It is not easy for a widow to live alone. She will always encounter difficulties of one kind or another. When he was free, he would help her with everything, including picking up her children, sawing trees, harvesting crops, cooking, cutting wood and carrying water... As time went by, the widow also developed feelings for the fool. Feeling grateful, one day, the widow bought a piece of cloth in the cloth shop, made a piece of clothing with her own hands and gave it to Han Bao... Han Bao put on the clothes the widow gave him and ran around the town happily. , everyone would say that these were the clothes given to him by Sanniang... Later, rumors spread all over the town that the widow and the idiot had an affair... In such a closed and conservative town, another widow, like this There was no way to bear the rumors. Everyone was talking about the widow and the fool, and it seemed to have become the only topic after dinner... Finally one day, the widow jumped into the river, which was the river where the fool and I often fished. When he was discovered, he was already soaked in water... Looking at the widow's body, I saw the fool shed tears for the first time... Since then, the fool has never smiled again... The last time we saw each other , in front of the widow's grave, he took the widow's six-and-a-half-year-old child and said he wanted to leave this town... I will never forget that scene. He took the child's hand and walked step by step outside the mountain. I watched him disappear from my sight little by little. From the beginning to the end, he never looked back... That is, the night after the idiot left, I also left that town..."

Lu Xi looked at me, the joy in his arms still quiet.

"When the idiot left, I left him my phone number and told him that after buying a mobile phone, he must remember to call me... But four years have passed and I haven't waited for his call."

At this point, my eyes were already red, and Lu Xi finally let go of the joy in her arms at this time, and then reached out to hug me. At the moment she hugged me, the emotions I suppressed in my heart, I was completely defeated, and I cried bitterly: "This world is not good, and no one is good... Hanbao'er is not good, Sanniang is not good, Luan Yu is not good, and I am not good either... I am in too much pain... too much It's painful... I don't know how to express this pain... Will you believe it? You are a star, living in the most flashy place in the world. Will you believe that there is such a town in the world? Idiot and Sanniang?"

Lu Xi was speechless. She kept patting my back gently and hugged me tighter and tighter until I stopped crying and no longer trembled because of crying... But I really don’t know what it is that will This memory that had been dusty was torn out again...

In just over 20 years, I have experienced both life and death, more than once, but I have not become stronger because of it. I am still afraid of separation, and I am afraid that someone new will completely leave my life. Just like Luan Yu, like the fool who has never been heard from again, and my parents, my dog ​​named Ma Zai...

When I realized that I had lost my composure, I tried to leave Lu Xi's embrace, only to find that she too had tears streaming down her face...

I don't know why she burst into tears. In short, she is the first and only woman in my life that I have cried with each other. As for the past events between Hanbao and Sanniang, I can only say I told her alone, or even Luan Yu, who I met on the road later, but I didn’t say it, because many times, I didn’t want to recall this past event, and my small town complex was completely ended at that time.

It seems that I have never been independent in my life. Even if I have a plan in my heart, I will have to change it because of such and such things. I hate this kind of life that cannot be autonomous, but I am unable to change it.

To this day, I don’t know whether my decision to become a homeless person is right or wrong. If I hadn’t been homeless, I wouldn’t have had this bad relationship with Luan Yu, and of course I wouldn’t have known Lu Xi, Qiao Jiao, Zuo Xiaowei and Ren Ren. Of course... But one thing is for sure. Along the way, I have really seen all kinds of life and the ugliness of human nature. Idiot just wants a woman and a love of his own. What's his crime?

To this day, I still blame myself a little. If I could have taught him to remain calm, maybe he wouldn't show off in that dress. But he is a fool. He has no such scheming, he is just instinctive. Want to share the joy in his heart with others...

At the moment he left, maybe he really understood, but it was too late. For him, the town was the pain of his life. He wanted to throw away all the memories of the town, including me. , so, for so many years, I have not been able to wait for his call.

……

At this moment, I hugged Lu Xi a little tighter, as if she was my only comfort in this war-torn world.

(End of this chapter)