Joke Daquan: Super Funny Edition

Chapter 1

half the battle

A: Not bragging, I have become half a writer, half a mathematician... half a Nobel Prize winner.

B: How do you say this?

A: I read a famous saying in a book today: "As long as you make up your mind, you are half the battle." I have made up my mind to be a writer and mathematician all day long, isn't it half the battle?

birthday
Big and Little are twins.One day Da Da bought a cake for Xiao Xiao: "Congratulations, congratulations."

"Where does the joy come from?"

"Today is your birthday!"

"Thank you," Xiao Xiao said apologetically, "I deserve it, please allow me to send you a cake back, can you tell me when your birthday is?"

reason for liking

Mother is talking to son about his girlfriend.Mother asked: "Why does she like you?"

"That's easy," said the son modestly, "she thinks I'm handsome, capable, smart, funny..."

"Then why do you like her?"

"I just love that she thinks I'm handsome, capable, smart, and funny."

violin
The child played the violin in the living room, and the father read the newspaper in his room.The violin's sound like killing a chicken made the puppy bark too.

The father got annoyed, jumped up and scolded: "Can't you find some music that dogs can't understand?"

still my child
His dying wife said, "I can't take this secret to my grave! I admit, Isaac is not your son."

"Nonsense! Whose son is he then?"

"It is the son of our agent Hursfield!"

"I can't believe it! Can a handsome man like Hersfield marry an ugly woman like you?"

"I gave him three thousand francs!"

"How is that possible? Where did you get so much money?"

"From your cashier."

"Look, it's still my child!"

champion
Several elementary school students helped a boy to the emergency room of the hospital.The boy clutched his belly, beads of sweat the size of soybeans dripped down.

"What happened to him?" the doctor asked.

A girl replied: "To put it simply, it was a group of them who ate the most ice cream in a competition, and he won the championship."

ulterior motives
Female patient: "Doctor, you asked me to stick out my tongue, why didn't you look at it?"

Doctor: "I don't want to see your tongue. I want you to stick it out. I just want you to be quiet while I prescribe."

Doubts about public toilets

Xiao Liu followed Lao Liu to the city to play, and Xiao Liu deeply felt that the city was better than the countryside.

Old Liu said, "Then let's move to the city, shall we?"

Xiao Liu said, "It's good, but it's hard to handle when mom comes."

"why?"

"Because there are only public toilets in the city and no female toilets!"

Don't worry

Customer: "Why isn't my dish ready yet?"

Waiter: "What do you order?"

Customer: "Fried snails."

Waiter: "Oh, that's right, please don't worry."

Customer: "I've been waiting for 45 minutes."

Waiter: "That's because snails are slow animals..."

collection of books
Zhang Qiang: Sorry, but my books are not for loan.

Han Yan: Why?
Zhang Qiang: Because the borrowed books have never been returned.

Han Yan: Do you think I will do the same?

Zhang Qiang: Of course, this is based on my experience.Because, all my books are borrowed from others.

composition
Rongrong: The composition title "My Dad" is really worrying.

Mingming: Why?
Rongrong: If I ask my father to write, what he writes must be about my grandfather. If I ask my mother to write, what she writes must be about my grandfather.

so in a sentence
A: I can make sentences with any words.

B: Then you make a sentence with "hope".

A: I can't make a sentence with "hope".

B: Why can't you do it again?
A: What I made is: "I can't use 'hope' in a sentence."

cut less

Barber: How much money did you bring, kid?
Taotao: two horns.

Barber: Not enough.

Taotao: Then cut a little less.

listen to music

Little John sat in the concert hall with his uncle listening to music.

Uncle: "Do you understand music?"

John: "Of course."

Uncle: "Tell me, what is that girl playing now?"

John: "Piano."

Ring
There was a pair of little sparrows standing on a tree and chatting.A little sparrow was crying sadly, and another little sparrow explained anxiously: "Honey, don't cry, please, please listen to my explanation. The ring on my foot was given to me by the Animal Protection Association." No, it's really not my wedding ring."

None of them were born
It was a telephone market survey for pet food, and a child answered the phone.

Market researcher: Children, do you have puppies, cats, rabbits or birds at home?

Child: No, my mother didn't even give birth!
Market Investigator:……

Newborn calf
Husband: "From now on, you will educate your son. I will take care of him, but he won't listen at all."

Wife: "Others are afraid of you, isn't your son afraid?"

Husband: "I am a tiger and he is an ox. You forgot, 'A newborn calf is not afraid of a tiger'!"

Heartfelt words
"Doctor, I heard that drinking too much alcohol can hurt people, is it?"

"Exactly! Hot wine hurts the liver, cold wine hurts the lungs..."

"It seems that it is better not to drink."

"But if you don't drink it, it will hurt people!"

"Oh, is it?"

"Yes, if you don't drink, you will be sad!"

veterinarian can
The doctor sees a patient who has a bad temper.

"What's wrong with you?" He asked with concern.

"Sir," growled the patient, "since you've collected the fee, it's up to you to find it."

"I see," said the doctor after a moment's thought. "Give me an hour, please. I'll go out and find a friend—he's a veterinarian. I know that's the only guy who can do it without asking the patient any questions." make a diagnosis."

stupid doctor

Doctor: "Hey! Wake up!"

Patient: "What's the matter?"

Doctor: "It's time, it's time to take sleeping pills."

Patient: "Ah, not to mention I almost fell asleep and forgot."

chase fish
Instead of catching fish, the angler fell into the river.

Lady: How did you fall into the water?
Husband: A big fish has escaped and I'm going after it.

Seek medical advice
Doctor: What disease does the child suffer from?

Father: ADHD in children.

Doctor: Please tell me the specific symptoms.

Father: When he was in class, he was either playing with a slingshot or putting bugs in the pockets of his classmates.I taught him a few words, and he actually quoted the famous saying of a scientist...

Doctor: What famous quote?

Father: Life lies in movement.

do not know

A little girl comes out of the dental office.

"How is it, does the tooth still hurt?" Mom asked with concern.

"I don't know, the tooth was taken away by the doctor." The little girl replied.

patient
A worried patient was sitting in the waiting room. When the doctor asked him, he said with a sad face: "Doctor, what should I do? I accidentally drank a bottle of gasoline yesterday!"

The doctor replied, "Oh...it's okay! Remember not to smoke for a few days!"

intellectual problem
Husband: "Believe it or not? I must have given our son his intelligence."

Wife: "Of course, not you, who else would have given it to me? My intelligence is still there!"

Raise the bar
A bet between the blacksmith and the egg seller.

The blacksmith said, "It won't break an egg with a hammer."

"Impossible!" said the egg seller.

"The hammer can't be broken!"

Unconvinced, the egg seller took out an egg and smashed it down with a hammer. The egg broke and said, "Isn't this broken?"

The blacksmith said: "The egg is broken, but I said 'it can't be broken with a hammer'!"

boast rich
Someone has a treat at home.He ostentatiously said to the guests: "I have everything in my house. The only thing missing is the sun and the moon in the sky!" Before he finished speaking, the house boy reported: "There is no firewood in the kitchen!" The man bent his fingers , Counted: "There is only a lack of sun, moon, and firewood!"

Unreasonable
When learning a language alone, I love it so much when I hear someone say the word "how can it be so?" I always review it.Occasionally, due to the rush of crossing the river, I suddenly forgot and hurriedly searched around the boat.The boatman asked him what he had lost, and the man said, "It's a sentence."

trap
A customer brought a faded leather jacket to the store and asked for a return, but the salesperson disagreed. The customer said: "This leather jacket faded just after I bought it. Where did you get this 'dirty' product from?" Harm customers!" So the two quarreled.The customer pointed to the sign on the counter angrily and said: "Look, don't you clearly say 'the bag will not fade' here? Why don't you change it?" The salesperson replied coldly: "Sir, please read it from right to left. ."customer:"……"

suspicious
An honest country gentleman came to the city to see a dentist. The doctor said he needed anesthesia, and the gentleman immediately took out his wallet.

Dentist: "No need to pay now, sir."

Gentleman: "Oh... I just wanted to make sure how much money I had before I got anesthetized."

亲密 爱 人
A man would affectionately call his wife "darling" or "baby" no matter on any occasion.Someone said to him: "It's unbelievable. After all these years, you have remained so close. It's really enviable."

The host said sadly: "To be honest, I don't remember her name."

sew buttons

Lao Wang asked Xiao Li why his face was swollen.

Xiao Li said: "When I was putting on my trousers this morning, a button fell off. I couldn't sew it, so I ran to the next door and asked a lady to sew it on for me."

"My God! She must have thought you were too much and gave you a fist!"

"No, that's not the case! She's a very nice person, she took out a needle and thread and started to sew on the spot. I also stood up and let her sew, but when she finished sewing and bit off the thread with her mouth, her husband came in!"

next life treat

Once upon a time, there was a rich man who was stingy by nature. He would come every time when others invited guests, but he never invited anyone to dinner.

One day, the rich man was ill, and the servant took some medicine jars and bowls to wash in front of the door.Others saw a large pile of bowls and jars and asked, "Is your master treating you today?"

The servant said: "My master can only come in and out, if you want him to treat you, you have to wait for the next life."

The servant's words happened to be heard by the rich man, and he cursed angrily: "You talkative, who wants you to let him live?"

bragging son
Father and son walk together.An acquaintance of my father met him and didn't know his son, so he asked, "Who is this?" The father replied, "Although this man is the ninth-generation son-in-law of the real grandson of the Minister of the Ministry of Officials, who is very much loved by the court, he is my son-in-law." son."

dog illiterate
A certain wealthy wife lost her pet dog and almost went crazy with anxiety.

An enthusiastic friend persuaded her: "Write a 'Notice of Finding Dogs' and post it, maybe you will find it."

"No way!" Mrs. Kuo shook her head and said.

"why not?"

"My dog ​​can't read!"

donkey and friends

Conversation between two friends:
"You stupid ass."

"I'm such an ass, the only question is whether I'm an ass because I'm your friend, or am I your friend because I'm an ass?"

It was the gate

In a prison in New York, several prisoners have recently arrived.

One day, the warden called them together and said to them: "This is a model prison. We are very democratic. Every prisoner can continue to do their original work when they come here." The prisoners were very happy when they heard this. One of the prisoners suddenly started dancing.

The warden quickly asked him, "What did you do before?"

The prisoner replied loudly: "Mr. Warden, I was in charge of the gate!"

Peel onion

Daming just got married.One day, my wife was busy with dinner in the kitchen.In order to be considerate of his wife, Daming wanted to help her with some housework, so he said to his wife, "Honey, what can I do for you?"

The wife said: "Look at your clumsiness, find something simple, just peel the onion."

But not long after the peeling, Daming was choked with snot and tears.

Daming felt that it was not that simple, and he was embarrassed to ask his wife for advice, so he had to call his mother for advice.Mom said: "It's easy, you can't peel it in the water."

Daming followed the method taught by his mother and completed his wife's task, very happy.

The next day, Daming called his mother and said: "Mom, your method is really good, but although it is good, the fly in the ointment is that you need to breathe frequently, it is very tiring."

Mom: "..."

instinctive answer

After Mr. He drank a little wine before going to bed, he felt dizzy and went to bed.After sleeping until midnight, he suddenly got up and put on his shirt and pants quickly.

"Why do you get up and get dressed in the middle of the night, and where are you going?" Mrs. He asked inexplicably.

"I want to go home quickly." Mr. He replied instinctively.

Search by map
Lao Wang watched the TV commercial and went to the store to buy a bicycle.But he found that none of the bikes in the shop had headlights.Lao Wang asked: "Doesn't the car in the advertisement have headlights?" The salesman said: "There is a beautiful girl in the car in the advertisement!"

circle of love
A young man and woman are sitting on the beach.The young man drew a circle on the ground and said, "My love for you, like this circle, will never end."

The young woman also drew a circle on the ground with her finger, and said, "My love for you will never have a beginning."

apologize
"Sir, I'm so sorry that my big rooster has spoiled the flowers in your garden."

"Madam, you don't have to apologize, my dog ​​has already eaten your big cock."

"That's great, I just ran over your dog when I was driving."

Strained relationship
David has found a new job, and while filling out a job application, David walks up to the manager with the completed form.The manager looked at it and said, "You did a good job filling out the form, but there is one thing. When you fill in the column of relationship with your wife, you should fill in 'husband and wife' instead of 'nervous'."

"But my relationship with her is tense!" David muttered.

fisherman outside the bar

Before lunch, a man in ragged clothes was fishing in a small puddle with a water depth of only five centimeters outside the bar.Passers-by thought the fisherman was a fool.

Seeing this scene, Ah Feng couldn't help feeling compassionate, and he said to the fisherman, "Hey, would you like to go to the bar and have a drink with me?"

The fisherman gladly accepted his invitation.

"May I ask if you caught any fish this morning?" A Feng asked.

"Of course, you are number eight." The fisherman replied.

Makes sense

A: "My wife is so picky, I can't stand it."

B: "Is she always like this?"

A: "Of course."

B: "I can't see it, otherwise how could she pick on you?"

Hypnotic

There was a master's child who kept crying and refused to sleep. The nurse tried all kinds of methods, but it was useless.The long-time worker said beside him: "It's not easy, get a book quickly." The master asked in surprise: "What are you doing with the book?" The long-term worker replied: "I usually see the master falling asleep when he picks up the book; If you read a book to the young master, you will definitely fall asleep quickly."

Do not give in
There is a man who usually teaches his son not to yield an inch to outsiders.One day, a visitor came, and he asked his son to go to the street to buy wine.The son went for a long time and didn't come back, so he sent his family to remind him.The family members came back and said, "The young master met a man on the road. The two stood facing each other, and neither of them would give way. The young master asked me to bring the wine back, and said he would never give in."

The man said happily: "It's right, we just won't give up an inch. After I finish the dinner with the guest, I will replace him and stand there for ten or eight days to see who gives in to whom."

the situation is more dangerous

The neighbor's house was on fire, and Xiao Liang was still watching the TV series "Slander" at home.

"Xiao Liang, come out quickly, it's dangerous."

"The situation here is more dangerous. Sandra San is going to kill again."

daddy fell asleep

The son didn't want to go to sleep, so his father sat on his bedside and began to tell him stories.An hour, two hours passed, and the room was silent.At this time, my mother opened the door and asked, "Is he asleep?"

"Asleep, mother." The son whispered back.

painting

A modernist painter is exhibiting his work."It's a cow grazing," he said, pointing to a blank canvas.

"So where is the grass?" asked a child.

"Let the cow eat it," said the painter.

"So, what about the cow?"

"Do you think the cow can stay here forever after eating all the grass?"

(End of this chapter)