Joke Daquan: Super Funny Edition

Chapter 2

Salted duck eggs and salted duck

Father: Son, do you know what salted duck eggs are made of?

Son: Yes, salted duck eggs are born from salted ducks.

Father: Oh?So... where did the salted duck come from?

Son: Dad is so stupid, salted ducks are hatched from salted duck eggs!
about the sun
Son: Mom, why does the sky turn dark at night?
Mother: Because the sun has gone down at night.

Son: It would be great if we didn't have mountains here.

Mother: why?
Son: Without mountains, the sun will not set.It won't get dark, and we won't have to turn on lights at night.

two zeros

Mom: Xiaoling, what is one minus one?
Xiaoling: Equal to zero.

Mom: Good daughter is so smart!So what is two minus two?

Xiaoling: It is equal to two zeros.

mother:……

bigger than him
When the two brothers came home from school, their father took their test papers and saw that they were all zero, so he was very angry.Then he scolded his son loudly: "You two are trash!"

The boss said unconvinced: "Then I am better than him!"

"Where is the strength?"

"Look, my zero is bigger than his!"

better

Xiaoyu: "Dad, I failed half of the subjects in this section test."

Father: "It doesn't matter, just keep working hard!"

A month later.

Xiaoyu: "Dad, I passed half of my subjects this time."

Father: "Yes, there is progress, keep working hard."

Mother Worm is here
My four-year-old son came in and showed me a caterpillar wriggling on his hand.

I was scared when I saw a caterpillar, but I casually said something to amuse the children: "Baby, get it outside quickly, its mother must be looking for it."

The baby turned and walked out.I thought I had achieved my goal, but unexpectedly the baby came in again, holding two caterpillars in his hand, and said, "I brought its mother."

sister is lying

Dad went to Beijing for a meeting and hasn't been home for a long time.

One morning, Yingying said to her mother: "Last night, I dreamed that my father took me to the zoo!"

The younger brother hurriedly said: "Mom, my sister is lying!"

Mom asked, "How do you know my sister is lying?"

The younger brother said: "Yesterday, I also dreamed about my father. He only took me to the department store alone, and didn't take my sister to the zoo at all!"

The best way
Xiaorui's father often scolded Xiaorui and sometimes beat him.Xiaorui burst into tears when he mentioned his father.The teacher knew, and asked Xiaorui: "What do you think is the best way to build a good relationship with Dad?"

Xiao Rui said: "Teacher, the best way is that you don't put an X on my test paper in the future."

history repeats itself
Xiao Zong: Dad, I heard you said that you once failed a grade when you were in school, right?
Father: Yes!

Xiao Zong: Oh!Oops!
Father: what's the matter?
Xiaozong: History repeats itself.

why did you hit me

Xingxing hit the kid next door.Dad knew it, slapped him hard, and said, "Do you know why I punished you?"

"I don't know, Dad." Said, Xing Xing sobbed.

"Hmph, it's because you beat a child younger than you."

"But, I'm younger than you, why did you hit me?"

play piano

George asked his mother, "Can I play the piano?"

"Of course you can, but you have to wash your hands first."

"No, I only play "Black Key Etudes."

I didn't do it

Three-year-old Dandan accidentally broke the handle on the wardrobe. No matter how much her father asked her, she said that she did not do it.The father asked another way: "Dandan, I know you didn't do it, but I want to know how you got it off?"

"I gave it a little twist and it came off. I really didn't do it."

lost heavily
The little friend Sam said to his mother: "Mom, please forgive me. I smashed Dad's wine bottle."

"Oh, well, nobody's going to blame you if you're honest. But what are you throwing the bottle at?"

"Smash mom's watch."

volley drink
The father and son carried a jug of wine home from the hotel. Because the road was slippery after the rain, the son accidentally fell and the wine spilled all over the floor.The father was furious, but the son fell down on the ground and started drinking loudly. He even raised his head and said to his father, "Drink quickly, don't you still have to wait for the food?"

letter from father
A student received a letter from his father, which said: "When you write home letters in the future, you should write more about your life, and don't just ask for money. This time I will send you ten yuan, and I will tell you about a small mistake. Wrong, when writing ten in Arabic numerals, you can only write one zero, not two."

It's over

Son: When the thief took out your wallet, why didn't you reach out and catch him?
Mom: I have a gold bracelet on my wrist. I reach out to grab him, and that's the end of it.

A lot of ideals

"You have to learn arithmetic well." Mom told Duoduo.

"Mom, you know, counting to 10 is enough for me. Because I want to be a boxing referee."

shoot the earth

Mao Mao: Dad, the earth is a ball like a leather ball, right?
Dad: They are all round balls, the earth is big and the leather ball is small.

Maomao: Then buy me a globe to take pictures of!I want to shoot big balls!
Hope your child will become a "dragon"

Mother: Son, you have to study hard so that you can become a dragon in the future.

Son: Ah, I was born in the year of the snake, how can I become a "dragon"?Who told you not to give birth to me in the Year of the Dragon!

Misuse of idioms
One day, Xiaojun was writing a composition in the classroom: "My Home".

Xiaojun wrote: "There are three people in my family, my father, my mother, and me. Every morning when we go out, the three of us will go our separate ways and go our separate ways. At night, we return to the same destination. Dad is an architect, and he is on the construction site every day. Mother is The salesperson always refuses anyone who comes in the store every day; I am a student, and I am stunned in the classroom every day. The three members of my family share similar tastes, and the family is harmonious, but when my grades are not good, my father also fights in the same room and beats me ruthlessly. , my mother stood by and watched, never seeing bravery."

last class
In the last class, the teacher asked, "Does anyone have any comments?"

Ah Fu: "The teacher teaches very well."

The teacher nodded happily, and asked again: "Then do you think it's worth recommending to your classmates?"

Ah Fu: "Very worth it."

The teacher smiled and asked with satisfaction: "Then what is your reason?"

Ah Fu said slowly: "Trap, harm, him."

smiling nine springs
Once, in a Chinese class, the teacher casually asked a student some related idioms in order to know his Chinese level.

"Can you come up with an idiom to describe a person who is very happy?" The Chinese teacher said again, "However, it is best to have a number in this idiom, such as one, two, three, four..."

The student thought for a while and said happily: "I know, 'Smiling Jiuquan'!"

The whole class burst out laughing.

Dad is here to pick you up
A certain kindergarten aunt, husband and wife love each other deeply.One day the husband came to visit his wife, and all the children knew that they were ingratiating to Auntie, so they rushed to Auntie and shouted: "Auntie, Auntie, your father is here to pick you up."

Make a sentence
Teacher: "Students, please use the word 'purpose' to make sentences."

Xiaoqiang: "You are the most beautiful lady I have ever seen."

Teacher: "Thanks, but what about 'purpose'?"

Xiaoqiang: "I hope to go home early today."

predictable
Doudou: "Do you think there are really people like Zhuge Liang who are as good at planning as God?"

Huahua: "Why not? My mother is!"

Doudou: "Really?"

Huahua: "You still don't believe it? I took the report card home yesterday, and my mother just glanced at the report card and said to me: 'Be careful when Dad comes back to beat you.' Dad came home from work, and he beat me up." pause."

painted eggs

At the end of the art class, the teacher collected the picture books of the students one by one. When Kangkang handed in the picture books, he said to the teacher: "Teacher, please don't put my book at the bottom."

The teacher asked strangely: "Why?"

"Because what I drew is an egg, it will be crushed if placed underneath."

own idea
Xiaowen is about to take the big exam.When entering the examination room, the teacher found that he was wearing three watches on each hand and asked him why.

Xiaowen replied nonchalantly: "I just want to have more time."

why headache

Xiaoxia and Jinger are not very good at school because of their playfulness.

Recently, Xiao Xia suddenly started using gong.Once Jing'er asked: "Xiao Xia, what did you do, why did you work hard?"

"I can't do without learning. Has it come to the era of knowledge explosion?"

"Oh, I see, so knowledge can explode! No wonder, when I read a book, my head hurts like an explosion!"

empty
The 4-year-old Xiaoxiao has a stomachache.Dad said: "That's because you didn't eat in the morning and your stomach is empty. Eat something and the pain will stop."

In the evening, Xiaoxiao asked her mother to watch TV, and her mother said: "Look, I have a terrible headache."

"Mom, I know, it's because your head is empty!" Xiao Xiao hurriedly said, "Hurry up and put something in it, it won't hurt anymore."

fourth element

Teacher: Tell me, what are the four elements in nature?
Student: fire, air, soil...

He couldn't answer anymore - the fourth should be water.

The teacher reminded him: what else?Think about it, what do we wash our hands with?

Student: Soap!
apple picking

Once, the teacher was going to take the students to the orchard for a general knowledge class.Before leaving, she asked: "Students, do you know when is the best time to pick apples?"

A student rushed to answer without thinking: "When the big dog raised by the old man who guarded the orchard was locked up!"

charity ball
Xiaojie, one of the handsome guys on campus, is admired by all the school girls.On this day, the school held a charity ball, and he invited Xiaoqi, a woman with a "patriotic" appearance and a "winter melon" figure, to dance with him.

Xiaoqi was flattered and asked, "Why would a handsome guy like you ask me to dance?"

Xiaojie didn't seem to be paying attention, but he muttered to himself: "It's okay, a charity ball, this is a charity ball!"

self-study course

One day, the discipline in the classroom was chaotic, and the teacher was very annoyed by it. After emitting N times of death rays, the eyes still had no effect, so he said seriously: "Who is willing to come to a class like yours? I don't think anyone can bear it." Got it!"

"It's okay, we can choose to take self-study classes!" A student replied.

how did i go wrong
"The weather is very good today, and there are white clouds floating in the cloudless sky..." In the composition class, the Chinese teacher read Xiao Ming's composition again.

"Excuse me, since the sky is cloudless, why are there still floating white clouds?"

"That cloud is floating thousands of miles away!" Xiao Ming stood up and said loudly.The Chinese teacher criticized Xiao Ming.

"Then I wrote in my composition "My Teacher" last time: 'You are very beautiful, with a few strands of silver hair mixed with your black hair.' You praised me! Since your hair is black, why is it mixed with silver hair?" How many strands of silver hair? Since you can have a few strands of silver hair in your black hair, why can't there be white clouds floating in my cloudless sky?" Xiao Ming said confidently.

no pain at all

Mr. Snow undressed for the doctor to examine.

"I'm going to press on different parts of your body," said the doctor, "and tell me if it hurts."

The doctor pressed and pressed until he found a sensitive spot.

"How long has it been hurting here?" the doctor asked.

"About three months. It doesn't really hurt, though."

"Based on the X-ray results, lab reports and my tests, I think we have to operate."

"Oh no!" Snow moaned.

"It's nothing to worry about," said the doctor. "With our latest anesthetics and techniques, it doesn't hurt at all."

"How much will the surgery cost?"

"The hospitalization and my expenses are about [-] yuan."

Snow moaned and said, "It really hurts now!"

enthusiasm
"Get out of the blues," the psychiatrist tells his patients, "and fill your day with enthusiasm. Get up and go to work with enthusiasm. In short, do everything with enthusiasm."

The patient came back a week later, looking more depressed than before, and the doctor asked him if he had followed orders.

"That's exactly the problem," the patient replied, "I got up, ate, and kissed my wife goodbye with such enthusiasm that I was two hours late for work and got fired."

Eye consultation
The doctor said to the patient: "Your illness seems to be very serious. I can tell just by looking at your eye: you have pneumonia, you have frequent fevers, and you have rheumatism in your joints."

Patient: "Please look at the other eye, the one you saw just now is my artificial eye."

dirtiest legs

Hans went to the doctor and said to the doctor, "My leg is inflamed."

Doctor: "Show me."

Hans lifted up his trouser legs, revealing a black and dirty leg.

Doctor: "I bet you have the dirtiest leg in town."

Hans: "Doctor, you lost, look at my other leg!"

excellent question

Someone asked the doctor: "Excuse me, doctor, how can I live to be a hundred years old?"

"First, stop drinking." "I never drink."

"Second, reboot." "I don't like women at all."

"Third, eat less meat." "I'm a vegetarian!"

"Then why do you want to live so long?"

after surgery

"I had an operation," a man said to his friend, "but the doctor left a sponge in my belly."

"Is that uncomfortable?"

"No, I just feel thirsty all the time."

don't shout
Not long ago, I accompanied a friend to a private dental clinic I knew well to seek medical treatment.Unexpectedly, when we got there, it turned out that the old doctor was out on business, and a young doctor came to treat him.My friend had a tooth decay, and the young man solved it with a little effort.

"Okay!" he said triumphantly.

"Ah! Doctor, you really feel better, and you don't feel any pain at all! ... But it feels a little different!"

oops!It turned out that the doctor not only pulled out the decayed tooth, but also pulled out a good tooth next to it! "What did you do? I want to complain..."

The doctor lowered his voice: "Stop yelling! Otherwise, people will hear you later, and I will settle the payment for the other tooth with you!"

Doctors
Xiao Liang was taken to the hospital by her mother.In order to make Xiao Liang less nervous, the doctor teased him by pointing at his ear and said, "Little friend, is this your nose?"

Xiao Liang looked at the doctor, turned his head and said to his mother seriously: "Mom, we need to change a doctor. He can't even make out his nose and ears, so how can he see a doctor?"

Can't use hands
A doctor is walking down the street.

A young man ran across and bumped into the doctor, knocking him down.

The doctor was furious, stood up and grabbed the young man, ready to beat him with his hand raised.The young man hurriedly said: "Kick me with your feet! Please don't hit me with your hands."

The doctor asked, "Why?"

The young man said: "People say that you can't die if you kick it with your feet, but you will die if you touch it with your hands."

Mourning at the bedside
Peter had just undergone a major operation, and the anesthetic was gradually wearing off. When he woke up, he saw two strange women sitting on the rocking chair at the foot of his bed with their arms around their knees.

"I'm sorry," said Peter, "you must have found the wrong room."

The younger woman turned to him and said, "Don't be afraid, we won't harass you. Last year today, my father died in this bed. Mom and I just wanted to sit here for a while and remember dear Dad. "

Different
A mentally ill patient walked upside down in the hospital.

The doctor said: "Jack, stand up straight and walk, how tiring it is to walk like this!"

He turned a deaf ear and still went his own way.

The doctor asked again: "Why did you make such a strange move?"

He said while walking upside down: "I walked this way to appear different from other patients, and no longer be seen as a mental patient."

new disease
A patient suffering from an unknown disease was very anxious and asked a doctor for help.

The doctor told him to wait for the test results outside the laboratory.Not long after, the doctor came out with a smile on his face and said, "Sir, I congratulate you."

The patient almost jumped up for joy: "Am I saved?"

The doctor said, "No, what I congratulate is that you are going to die of a new disease that has no precedent, and we are preparing to give your name to this disease after your death."

what happened

A doctor said to his colleagues: "Persuading patients to treat their diseases with psychotherapy sometimes has side effects."

The colleague asked puzzledly: "What's going on here?"

"Last time I received a person with neurasthenia," said the doctor. "I advised him to go to a place with high temperature to recuperate for a period of time, but he said that his economic ability would not allow it. I asked him to draw a sun on the roof, and then he would spend the whole day Imagine working in the hot sun."

"What happened then?" The colleague asked urgently.

"Oh! Later, he suffered from heat stroke!"

rheumatic patients
Patient: "Do you remember? You showed me rheumatism last year, and you told me to avoid the humidity."

Doctor: "Yeah, what do you want to see now?"

Patient: "I wonder if I can take a shower right now?"

obsession

A psychiatrist is treating a man with a baseball obsession.

"Things are so bad, I can't sleep at all. As soon as I close my eyes, I see myself as a pitcher, or running bases all over the field, so I wake up more tired than I went to bed. What do I do?" the patient said.

"Why don't you try to imagine hugging a beautiful girl?" said the doctor.

"Are you crazy? Then how do I hit the ball?"

The dead don't speak

In a small town, there was a doctor with poor medical skills.When patients came to see a doctor, he often looked at them indiscriminately and prescribed medicines indiscriminately, which resulted in many medical accidents.

Once, a dying patient was accompanied by his family members to seek medical treatment.The doctor checked for a long time, but found nothing wrong, but he fiddled with the patient, almost dying.

The family member of the patient asked, "Will you see a doctor?"

The doctor said: "Of course, the patients I have seen have never said that I am not good."

At this time, a person passing by the clinic said, "Will those dead people speak?"

(End of this chapter)