If you can love like this

Chapter 18

I remember that he didn't like living in high-rise buildings before, but now he chooses to live in such a high place in the most prosperous area, is it far away from the world, or is he falling deeper into the world?In the end, we are all just ordinary people in the mortal world. We always love or hate based on our own pride. We can't tolerate hurt, but we hurt each other deeply inadvertently. It's better to miss each other than to meet each other, so we don't see each other anymore, so we It has come to this point today.

Thinking about the love between me and him, it is so humble and pitiful. I have never thought of going to him after we separated from him. I just guarded my heart and waited hard, so I never dared to change. I lost my phone at home because I was afraid that one day he would not be able to find me, even though he never did.In fact, he has a studio in Star City. As long as he is willing, he can create many opportunities to meet me unexpectedly, but he doesn't, just like me.What are we waiting for, or what do we want to forget?

The truth is, the moment I saw him, I realized that the two years of "forgetting" were nothing but self-deception. This feeling was like a thorn, which had long been deeply embedded in my body. I can't pull it out.The hateful thing is that he has seen through me, that's why he is so domineering in front of me, he thinks I can't escape him.He has always been a strong person, especially emotionally. What I don't understand is whether his strength is because he can't face loss, or is it because he really has feelings for me?We have long passed the age of pursuing love as a belief. Subconsciously we want to believe in love, but reason often makes us doubt each other, so love becomes more and more confusing in our constant guessing and hurting each other. , are we still capable of love?

"It's all just a game." I vividly remember what he told me when we broke up.So what does it mean that he is holding my hand and refuses to let go?
I felt like I was slowly becoming numb, from the hand he held me, all the way to my brain.I was so exhausted that I couldn't lift my head like lead, so I had to lie on the edge of the bed. I didn't know when I fell asleep.The moment I opened my eyes, I was so scared that I sat up on the bed, it was the bed, not the chair!

The curtains have been completely drawn, and Geng Mochi is sitting on the sofa next to him, reading a newspaper with a cup of coffee, is it daytime?His whole body was bathed in the sun, not in the setting sun, and I was a little out of date, staring at him in fear, "You, why are you here?"

He chuckled, "This is my bedroom, miss." He closed the newspaper and squinted at me, "You can really sleep, Jin Yi also said that you want to take care of me, but it turned out that I came to take care of you, you What are you so tired of?"

"I'm leaving!" I threw off the quilt and got out of bed in embarrassment.

He immediately yelled: "Hey, you slept in my bed and left without saying thank you?" His voice was so loud that I was startled.I looked at him suspiciously, is this the half-dead drunk yesterday?Look at his radiant face. His beard has just been shaved, and his face looks like he has just applied lotion. It is moisturized and shiny. Is he just pretending?

"What are you looking at, do you think I'm more handsome?" He started to be narcissistic again, and took my hand, "Go take a shower, and have breakfast with me after the shower, Jinyi just sent chicken shredded mushroom porridge .”

"Who is she to you, who treats you so well?" I pretended to ask casually.

In the end, he said, "It has nothing to do with you."

Then he pulled me, "Hurry up and take a shower, look at you, do you still look like a human being?"

"I'm going back to the hotel to wash!" I shook off him and jumped out of bed to find my shoes.

"Bai Kaoer!" He called my name, "I think we should talk." He stood in front of me like a wall, his gaze suddenly became cold again.

"What else is there to talk about? You're already healed. What else am I doing here?" I avoided his gaze, walked around him, and walked towards the door barefoot.He grabbed me and dragged me to him, frowning, "Do you think you can solve the problem by avoiding it like this? It's been two years, why do you still look like a ghost, you haven't changed at all..."

"I just look like this! Geng Mochi, I don't think we have anything to talk about. It's been two years. I think you've had a good life. You've changed houses and cars, and you're surrounded by beautiful women. Your career is in full swing, you have everything and you don’t lack anything, what else do you want to talk to me about? Talk about the past? We don’t owe anyone! As you said, it’s just a game, since it’s a game, we should abide by the game You are not someone who can't afford to play with the rules, so why show your superiority in front of me?"

"Bai Kaoer, what's in your head?" Geng Mochi was furious again, looking at me and gnashing his teeth, "What did I do to make you hate it so much? Games? That's right, I said that In that case, but you can't use the angry words when two people quarreled as an excuse to attack me, my devotion to you these years can't be worth a single angry word? What is your brain made of?"

"I'm a pig brain, right? You are the smartest in the world, you are always condescending, a little ant like me, you can step into mud with one foot, I am nothing in your eyes! Aren't you just used to it?" You are invincible, you can’t accept that the woman you dumped ignores you for two years, your self-confidence is frustrated, so you want to find a balance, you want me to cry and cling to you, please remember the old love and talk about regrets? Tell you , Geng Mochi, I, Bai Kaoer, am not such a person, if you place your hopes on finding balance with me, you should give up on it as soon as possible!"

With a "boom", Geng Mochi smashed the coffee in his hand towards the glass partition wall of the bathroom. The glass didn't crack, but the cup shattered.His jaw started to tremble, and he pointed to the brown stain that slid down the glass, "I am the cup, do you see clearly, I am the cup! You think I am indestructible, you think I am cynical, you think I am not afraid of harm You can laugh it off, but in fact I am just a cup, a little impact will shatter!" He grabbed my hand and dragged it to the side of the bed, and opened the drawer of the bedside table, "Look, see for yourself, the medicine in it How many kinds are there? Others eat to survive, but I take medicine to save my life. Originally, my health was not so bad, but it was because of you, because of you, damn you, I was like a crazy person all day long. , smoking, staying up late, I practiced myself to death, and the result became what I am today!"

As he said that, he pressed my shoulder desperately again, forcing me to look at him, "Look at me, look into my eyes, whether I love you, my eyes are full of it... you idiot The woman who tortured me for so long, and still doubt my feelings for you... I really don't understand how I like you, a woman who is inexplicably slow and insane. Ever since I met you, I have become more insane than you, Ignore the many beauties around me, and read your name in my heart every day like chanting sutras. In the past two years, I have never given up and forgotten you. I thought I really did it. It took me a moment to realize that my efforts were all in vain. Your appearance made me even more insane. I didn't dare to blink my eyes the night before, for fear that I wouldn't hear you when you called... I always use the old number , I never dared to change, I was afraid that you would never find me again... and I don’t know where you live, so I searched from hotel to hotel, from five-star to four-star, and finally found it Three-star, do you know how many three-star hotels there are in this city? My phone was burning hot, and I finally found you. It was almost dawn at that time, and I didn’t have the courage to run there alone. Let Wei Minglun and the others take courage, tell me, tell yourself, is there still a fool like me in the world?"

Another proud madman!I close my eyes in pain.At this time, I can only lament the elusiveness of fate, arranging for us to get acquainted, and leaving an insurmountable gap between us. Originally, a phone call could smooth this gap, but the distance was pulled even further by each other's pride.It has been two years, as long as any one of us makes a little concession and makes a phone call to each other, how can we fall into the sad situation where we meet and don't recognize each other today.

"Why don't you talk? You're wrong, aren't you?" he growled.My silence made him push his feet. He squeezed my body even harder, almost lifting me into the air, "Do you really feel nothing at all? Bai Kaoer, for the love in my heart for two years Suffering day and night, I thought you would change, but I didn't expect you to be so stubborn. What do you want me to do? Kill you, or kill myself? Tell me, show me a way, tell me how Only by doing this can you face up to our feelings..."

When he said this, he was about to lose his mind, his handsome face became ferocious due to impulsiveness, I tightened my body between his hands, and let the tears flow down, "You know that the problem between us is not Here, Geng Mochi, those two dead souls are between us, I can't get around them, I thought I could get around them, but now I know I can't do it! We've all been through that kind of betrayal, I can't help it Believe in love and believe in you, because the distance between me and you is too far. Our bodies can be integrated, but our hearts are separated by thousands of mountains and rivers. I love you, or you love me, there is no way to fill the gap. distance……"

"As long as there is love, no distance can be filled! Why can't you believe in yourself and me once? Don't you just want to say that I was with you at the beginning to revenge Qi Shujie? Why are you so naive? Dead people, am I worthy to fight with my feelings? My feelings for you have nothing to do with them, why don't you understand? "

Hearing what he said, the resentment and grievances that have been smoldering in my heart for the past few years poured out like a flood, and the old wound was torn open. I covered my face and cried bitterly, "Please forgive me, let me go , I don’t want to hear you say this anymore, so just treat it as a good thing and give me a way to survive. No matter how much you talk, I don’t want to hear it..."

"Then let me ask you, do you still love me? Or, have you ever loved me? Just like I love you, with no regrets, have you ever?"

"..."

"Look up! Look into my eyes and tell me if you ever loved me!"

"No."

"Can you say that again."

"No, I never loved you! As for whether you have loved me or not, it has nothing to do with me. We haven't had any contact in the past two years. Doesn't that justify it?"

"..." He finally let go of me, took two steps back, focused on me again, and pointed at the door as if he didn't recognize me, "You can get lost."

I exited his room.

I shouldn't have stepped in in the first place, I was wrong.

Two days later, at the airport, I waited for the return flight with Feng Ke and the others.Just as I was about to board the plane, I received a call from Jin Yi, who was crying on the phone: "Come here quickly! Miss Bai, Mochi is in the hospital now, he is dying, come here quickly!..."

I ended up not getting on that flight.

When he arrived at the hospital, Geng Mochi had just been pushed from the emergency room to the intensive care unit, and Jin Yi was sitting on a chair in the corridor outside with a pale face.I asked her what happened, and she sobbed and shook her head, "I don't know, I went to check him in the morning and found him unconscious in the bedroom, the house was full of smoke, and there were many empty beer bottles. Listen His assistant Xiao Lin said that he had been in an abnormal mood for the past two days, and he did not go to the studio, and told Xiao Lin not to disturb him by anyone."

"What's wrong with him?" In addition to being anxious, I was very puzzled about his condition. I always thought he was in good health, and he didn't give in to me when we quarreled. How could he be so serious that he needed to be rescued? Could it be because of drinking?
Jin Yi was a little evasive about this, "It's nothing, he should tell you by himself." She held my hand with tears in her eyes, "Miss Bai, please stay by his side, He can't live without someone to take care of him, and he has not taken his body seriously in the past two years, and it is useless for anyone to persuade him."

"Jinyi, you can call me Kao'er."

"Well, Kao'er, would you like to stay?"

"He told me to go away."

"He just has this temper, don't worry about him, sometimes he is like a child, very headstrong, in fact, he is very fragile inside."

"You seem to know him very well..." I looked at Jinyi curiously, what is the relationship between her and Geng Mochi?Jin Yi must have sensed my thoughts, and smiled, "We grew up together, he is like my elder brother, my father and his mother are good friends, his mother is now abroad, I am He was entrusted by his mother to take care of him."

It turned out to be a childhood sweetheart...

Jin Yi's confession made me a little embarrassed, I stood up in a disguise, went to the glass window of the intensive care unit to look inside, and saw Geng Mochi lying quietly among a pile of instruments, with his eyes closed as if he was asleep up.I suddenly felt very strange, his current weakness or his usual strength, which one is the real him?He has never shown his "weak" side in front of me. He is a person who wants to occupy other people's dreams even when he is asleep. However, he is only a person after all. He is not God. Can't control the fate of others.So he finally let himself lie down in this room full of instruments, and although I was only separated by a layer of glass windows, it was as if I was separated by mountains and seas. I didn't have the courage to take a step closer to him. I, who seem strong, are actually pathetically cowardly. In this regard, we seem to be of the same kind.

Geng Mochi was transferred to the VIP ward the next morning, which indicated that his condition was stable.I stayed by his side all the time, lying on the edge of his bed and fell asleep. I didn't know when he woke up, because when I opened my eyes in a daze, I found that he was staring at me.I thought he would tell me to fuck off, but there was no expression on his face.

"You... would you like something to eat?" I asked him awkwardly.

He said nothing, still just staring at me.

I was terrified by his stare, and I moved towards the door, "What do you want to eat, I'll go out and buy it for you." As soon as I got to the door, he called me, "Stop."

"I'll go to the opposite side of the hospital and buy you something to eat." I was afraid that he wouldn't believe me, so I said, "I haven't eaten, I'm very hungry." In this room, I will unplug the oxygen tube."

Discouraged, I sat down again on the chair by the bed.

Until Geng Mochi was discharged from the hospital, we were at a stalemate. He didn't talk to me much, but he didn't show any resistance when I took care of him. He just continued to pick and choose as always, and sometimes even deliberately found fault.Of course I can't quarrel with a patient, I can only let him go, thinking that I can leave after he is discharged from the hospital, there is still a lot of work on the radio station, I can't keep asking for leave.But this man was unreasonable at all. When I was packing my things in the guest room the next day after I was discharged from the hospital, he moved a chair and sat at the door of the living room. When I came out with my luggage, he looked at me with his legs crossed and said: "If you have the ability, you can pass my test, otherwise you will never want to step out of the apartment."

"I still have work in my unit, you want me to be fired." I really have nothing to do with him.

"Resign, isn't it easy?"

"How can I live without a job? I'm not like you, born with a golden spoon in your mouth."

"You can work for me and I'll pay you ten times as much."

"Mochi!" I stomped my feet, the air tickets were all booked, and now it's all over again.In the end, of course, I didn’t make it. Geng Mochi arbitrarily and unreasonably asked me not to leave until he fully recovered. The reason was that my colleague poured alcohol on him that day and caused him to be hospitalized. I had to be “responsible” to him.I knew he was making excuses. The ward he stayed in the hospital was a "cardiac surgery department." It's the first time I've heard of it.

(End of this chapter)