I loved you so deeply

Chapter 48 Life and Death (8)
When I passed by the gynecology department when I went to the hospital for an examination, there were often pale-faced women waiting outside the clinic. They looked sad, numb, and desperate for life.Gu Jin often wondered how cruel it would be for a person to abandon her child. She stopped and watched, then wrapped herself tightly and left in a hurry. She always thought that place was very far away from her.

She even imagined how she would be pregnant countless times.

At that time, Gu Jin must have been happy and happy. No matter what kind of heavy blows life gave her, they could not take away her desire to be a mother.

She and the person she loves have a small life.

She still had a humble hope: "Doctor, is there really no other way?"

The corners of Gu Jin's eyes were wet, and his voice was very small, almost pleading: "This is my first child."

"I understand your feelings, but the embryo is very small, it's only been over a month, and it's already dead." The metal instruments made a crisp sound, and something cold penetrated into her body. The doctor moved familiarly and gently advised her, "You You are still young, take good care of your body, and you will have a chance in the future.”

Gu Jin closed her eyes, tears slid down the corners of her eyes and into her hair.

No chance.

Gu Jin is not a hypocritical person, but she is also selfish like thousands of other beings in this world, yearning for family and warmth.How much she wished that this child was still there, the little thing slowly took root in her stomach, and then she walked out from here, as if nothing had happened, and could still dominate the side government.But she knew that Pang Zheng would not forgive her.

She is not a qualified mother, and she doesn't even know when this child came to her.

He was punishing her by leaving, for her carelessness, for her irresponsibility.

In the past, she always felt that miscarriage was a very important event. Countless girls would be discouraged by it, and would end their once hot relationship. They came out of the operating room weakly and threw themselves at the boy waiting outside. Weak and resentful eyes.

But only after experiencing it once, Gu Jin knew how understated the pain of losing a loved one is in this vast world.

She was pushed downstairs for surgical observation, hanging a bag of nutritional medicine and anti-inflammatory drugs, not even a serious ward, the doctor said you forgive me, there are too many pregnant women, it is really too busy.

For a minor operation, in such an overcrowded public hospital, one can go home after an hour of rest.Gu Jin didn't speak, just nodded.

She was lying alone in the corridor where no one cared about her, and she began to think about Pang Zheng's appearance over and over again in her mind. He said, Jin Jin, let's have a baby too.

His desire to be a father is so strong.

She deserves it, she deserves it, she deserves it, but she also has sadness and grievances that she can't tell anyone.After all, she and him reached the end of the road.

In the early hours of the morning, the climate on the land in southern Africa is changeable. Because of the rain, the air is cool and humid.

Bringing up the past again, although it doesn't hurt that much, but it is always bitter on the lips when I say it.

Gu Jin was wearing a coat, sitting on the steps outside the thatched hut, looking up at the sky: "I didn't say it at that time, I didn't mean to hide it from you, but I really didn't know how to tell you. Pang Zheng, I actually thought about it many times. .”

I have thought about it many times, and I will tell you when I can't go on, in the silent and sleepless nights in the hospital, in the garden next to my grandfather's funeral, in the airport building where the two parted, I have thought about hugging you and crying bitterly countless times A fight or a moment of peace and tenderness in your arms.

There are many and dense stars in the night, and Gu Jin can see it with fascination: "When I left, I actually thought very clearly. If I don't tell you about this, we can all die well in the end. If I did, at that time, Pang Zheng Have you ever thought that you and I may torture each other for the rest of our lives."

Neither he nor she is someone who can make do with the cracks.

Pang Zheng sat next to her, silent for a long time.

"But when you left, you never thought about coming back." He turned his head and said each word firmly, "Gu Jin, you were at the airport, you thought about getting along with me and let it go."

Having lived with her for two years, she is even more accurate about Gu Jin's vicious side politics than she is herself.

Gu Jin curled her lips and admitted: "Yes, I thought about it with you and let it go."

She left the divorce agreement, and left without sloppiness, without explaining or explaining to anyone.She thought that he would meet someone who was more suitable than her and even someone he loved more in the future.She also thought that after leaving him, she would become better, more open, and more able to accept life other than him.

Gu Jin lowered her head, her hair hanging down to cover her face.

Her voice sounded painful and depressing: "But when Lacey said that he was separated from you, I realized that I couldn't do it at all. Pang Zheng, if it was me who died that day, you wouldn't be sad for a long time, but if you If you die, I may have to be your widow for the rest of my life."

She bears the guilt of her own words, and the guilt of hurting others and herself, and lives like this endlessly.

"You don't need to die." Pang Zheng lowered his head and laughed at himself, "I feel like the sky is about to collapse when you lie there."

This was probably the most disgusting love story he had ever said in his half life, and he said it frankly and calmly.

Gu Jin didn't speak, but buried her head deeply in her lap.Pang Zheng forcibly carried her over, brushed her hair with his hands, and for the first time in many days showed tiredness in his brows and eyes.

"Gu Jin, do you know how I felt after I heard from others that you had a miscarriage? That was the time when I lived for so many years and felt the most useless."

It was stronger, no, much stronger than the feeling of being betrayed by brothers and girlfriends back then.

I forgot it was a few months ago, the insurance company called him and asked him to go to the 4S shop to get the repaired car.He was stunned for a long time before realizing that it was her Audi that caused the accident.

There was a knot in my heart, and Pang Zheng delayed going there for two or three days intentionally or unintentionally.Because it is a major repair, it has to be picked up at a parking lot dozens of kilometers away from City B.

People from the insurance company and the workers in charge of repairing the car were both there that day. The car was repaired well and looked like new.The receipt was given to him, he signed it, and he was told to check it, but he didn't care much.Looking at his clothes, the owner of the parking lot guessed that he was a big money maker. He thought that he could take care of his business after making a client, so he chatted enthusiastically with him: "Sir, the owner of this car was seriously injured at the time. Not light, is it?"

Pang Zheng looked up from the receipt, and gave the boss a nonchalant look, as if he had no interest in it. After signing, he asked lightly, "How do you say it?"

The boss pointed to the headlights and bumper familiarly: "It looks like it was driven by a novice. The front is completely broken. You don't know how hard it is to clean the seats! The blood on the seats, the leather is removed Not to mention re-sewing the cover, the leather alone..."

"Blood?" Pang Zheng frowned and interrupted the boss, "Where did the blood come from?"

The boss was frightened by Pang Zheng's serious expression, and he pointed at the driver's seat after a long time: "Here, the seat is down, and the floor mat is all there."

Pang Zheng picked up the car and drove quickly all the way to the city. He took out his mobile phone and contacted Chen Zhanbei.

It was the ward that he contacted Gu Jin at the beginning, and the doctor who helped him at that time must be able to find out what happened.When Chen Zhanbei heard this, he rushed to the hospital directly.

At that time, Chen Zhanbei's mother's junior high school classmate and an administrative vice president of the Second Municipal Hospital were the ones who asked someone to set up the ward. After hearing the two explain their intentions, they specially called the director of the gynecology department to go upstairs with the medical records.

Because it had been several months, it took me a while to find Gu Jin's medical records.

The director of the gynecology department remembered: "The car accident came in and the first aid came in. I have the impression that she is a very young girl."

Chen Zhanbei hurriedly responded: "Yes, yes, that's her."

"That's right, it's not written, artificial abortion, the operation I performed, 37 days of accidental termination of pregnancy. She didn't even know she was pregnant. At that time, she begged me on the operating table, saying that the child could It cannot be kept, the key is that the situation was very clear at the time, and it will not work when it is delivered.”

The vice president asked: "Zhanbei, is this your girlfriend? Or is there some gossip outside behind your mother's back?"

Chen Zhanbei wasn't in the mood for joking, he thanked him and walked out lazily.Pang Zheng stood at the door and didn't say a word after hearing this.

"Brother?" Chen Zhanbei didn't expect the matter to be so serious, and scratched his head, "It's my fault. The situation was so chaotic at the time, and no one thought that Gu Jin's injury was so serious, so I thought about finding a ward for her to live in. Go in, don't ask too much..."

"It's not your fault." Pang Zheng said hoarsely, and patted him on the shoulder, "Blame me."

"elder brother……"

Pang Zheng walked away alone. He walked out of the hospital, got into the car, and rubbed the steering wheel unconsciously. He remembered the way she lay there and looked at him with black eyes open when the car accident happened that day.

He pulled her out of the car, she struggled, and locked the door.

He was really mad at that time, mad at her for not taking his own life seriously, mad at her for following him, mad at her for being so reckless and mad like trying to bump into someone, seeing that she still had the strength to fight him, he thought she It's okay, so I dropped her.

He threw her in the car.

It's hard to imagine her lying in the car waiting for the insurance company and the ambulance by herself.

Probably the car was too stuffy, Pang Zheng felt that he couldn't breathe, he lowered the window, his chest was still tight.In those few nights, he suffered from insomnia continuously, as soon as he closed his eyes, Gu Jin jumped out as if looking at him through the car window.

He suddenly realized why she had to leave.

It's not that she wants to avoid him, and it's not that she doesn't want to continue her marriage with him, but that she is punishing herself with self-exile.

The sky is getting brighter, and a dark golden light rises from the far end of the wilderness.

"Gu Jin, looking at me like this now, aren't you very proud?"

Gu Jin shook his head, shaking his head severely.

Chief Pang Zheng sighed: "If you punish yourself in this way, you are also torturing me in a different way.

"I used to feel that I was very far away from death. When I sent the old man away, I didn't even think that I might have such a day, but when I was swept up by the waves yesterday, I was really scared.

"I'm afraid that I'm dead and you ran away with someone else. Gu Jin, I came all the way to find you. I didn't want you to redeem yourself. I didn't want you to let go of the past. Those are bullshit. When I come back, they say you dance It's in the sea, I thought at the time, whether you fish it out alive or dead, I will follow."

Gu Jin sobbed, and Pang Zheng touched her red eyes, as if compromising: "Let's forget about the child. You said that you believe that everything in the world has a chance to start over. Gu Jin , I believe that we must also have the opportunity to start from scratch."

The sun rose completely from a distance.

Many, many frames suddenly flashed in front of the two of them.

That midsummer evening, he said hello, Pang Zheng.

During that May Day holiday, she was holding his hand, wearing a wedding dress, watching him put a kiss on her lips with trepidation.

On that not-so-sweet honeymoon, he hugged her and fell into a drowsy sleep. He said, don't make trouble.

She moved into his house and raised many unnamed flowers with him; without his permission, she threw away his carpet and laid a flying chess board, and he and her kissed on that chess board; She climbed up the low wall with him on New Year's Eve, and he showed her the sky full of fireworks and lights in the world; With him, through life and death.

It turned out that there were so many inseparable pasts between her and him.

Across thousands of mountains and rivers, Gu Jin looked into Pang Zheng's eyes, and heard a thump in his heart, falling back to his place.

Gu Jin stood up and pointed to the distance, pointing to the east, which was the direction of home.

Her face was covered with a layer of golden afterglow by the rising sun, and she said: "Pang Zheng, today is another new beginning."

(End of this chapter)