sex and marriage

Chapter 13 The Place of Love in Life
The vast majority of people have two very strange attitudes towards love: one is based on the subject of literature such as novels, dramas and poems; the other is not taken seriously by most serious sociologists. , it will never be seen as an urgent need in a program of political and economic reform.I think both of these attitudes are incorrect. Love is one of the most important things in life. Therefore, any system that interferes with the free development of love for no reason is regarded by me as an unreasonable system.

If we can fully understand the word love, we will know that it refers to a kind of full emotion, both physical and psychological factors, not limited to all relationships between men and women.Love can be intense to any degree.As for the emotion expressed in "Sorrow and Loneliness", it is consistent with the love experience of most men and women.The artistic capacity of man to express love is rare, but the emotion itself, at least in Europe, is not.This feeling of love is much more common in some societies than in others, and it does not, I think, depend on human nature.It depends on the social customs and institutions on which they depend.In China, the emotion of love is rare, and historically, it was only the patent of those foolish rulers who were led astray by promiscuous maidservants and concubines.Traditional Chinese culture opposes strong emotions and believes that one should maintain reason in any situation, which is very similar to the situation in Europe at the beginning of the 18th century.

Because we had the Romantic movement, the French Revolution, and the Great Wars in Europe before us, we feel that the role of reason in life is not as important as one would like it to be in the reign of Queen Anne, because reason itself is totally unreliable when it comes to psychoanalysis of.The three main non-rational activities of modern man's life are religion, war, and love.These three activities are super-rational, but love is not anti-rational, that is to say, a rational person can also enjoy love rationally.In today's society there is a certain hostility between religion and love, for reasons which we have already discussed.It is precisely because of the difference between Christianity and other religions that this hostility based on asceticism is inevitable.

However, in today's society, love has a more dangerous enemy than religion, and that is career and financial success.It is generally believed, more so in America, that people should not let their love get in the way of their careers, and would be foolish not to.But, in this as in other human problems, balance is indispensable.It is foolish to sacrifice career entirely for love.Tragically heroic though it may be at times; it is equally foolish, and by no means a feat, to sacrifice love altogether for career.However, in a society where money grabbing is common, abandoning love for career is commonplace and unavoidable.

Take the life of a typical modern businessman (especially in the United States): from the time he first entered society, he put all his energy into making money and making money, and everything else was just a dispensable pastime.As a young man, he used prostitutes for a long time to satisfy his physical needs.Although he got married later, his and his wife's interests were completely different, so there was no such thing as a heart-to-heart relationship between husband and wife.He comes home very late every day and is already exhausted from his busy schedule.When he got up the next morning, his wife was still asleep.On Sunday, he will play golf all day, because sports can make him have enough energy and strength to earn money, which is indispensable.From his point of view, his wife's interests were exclusively feminine, and so he never intended to share them, even if he agreed with her.Like his love in marriage, he has no time for mistresses, although he may occasionally visit a brothel when he is out on business.Sexually, his wife has always been cold to him, which is not surprising since he never took the time to flirt with her.Subconsciously, he is dissatisfied, but he does not know why.His main outlet for dissatisfaction was through work, and sometimes in other, less desirable ways, such as the perverse comfort of watching prize-winning boxing matches or sanctioning radicals.His wife, similarly dissatisfied with her sex life, sought out second-rate literature and asserted her morals by torturing the generous and free.The dissatisfaction in the sexual life between husband and wife gradually turns into hatred of human society, but on the surface it still gives people the illusion of public spirit and noble morality.This unfortunate situation is largely due to our misconceptions about our sexual needs.

St. Paul's view that the only thing needed in marriage is the opportunity for sexual intercourse is generally supported by the teachings of Christian moralists.Sexual aversion blinds people to the good aspects of their sex lives.As a result, those who have been victimized by its teachings in youth have been so bewildered that they cannot face their own greatest instincts.In fact, love is far from just the desire for sexual intercourse, it is also the main way to eliminate loneliness, because in life, most men and women will feel lonely.In most people there is a great fear of the cruelty of the world and the cruelty of man; at the same time there is a longing for love.Although love is often destroyed by men who are rude, hot-tempered, or domineering, and women who are much ado about nothing and nagging.But that kind of long-lasting and passionate love will take away that feeling.It destroys the walls of egoism and produces a new thing that is two in one.

In fact, when nature created human beings, it was not for them to be helpless, because human beings cannot satisfy nature's physical desires alone without the help of others, and without love, educated people will not be able to fully satisfy their sexual instincts .This instinct cannot be fully satisfied unless one devotes one's whole life, mental and physical, to love.Those who have never experienced the intimacy and depth of affection that pure love has.The best things that life has to offer people are lost.If young men and women feel it unconsciously, not consciously, this dissatisfaction leads them to degenerate in the direction of envy, oppression, and cruelty.It is therefore the duty of the sociologist to give passionate love the affirmation it deserves.Without this experience, man and woman would not be able to reach perfection, nor would they be able to feel that high passion for divine love from other people in the world.Without this enthusiasm, no doubt their social activities will suffer.

Given the right circumstances, most men and women feel passionate love at some point in their lives.For the uninitiated, however, it is difficult to distinguish passionate love from mere sexual desire.This is especially true for teenage girls who grew up in privileged surroundings.Because they have been educated to tell them: Never kiss a man casually, unless they love this man.A girl who wants to stick to her virginity is often blinded by eager and frivolous sexual attraction, but a sexually experienced woman can easily distinguish this sexual attraction from love.There is no doubt that such circumstances are often the cause of unhappy marriages.Even if there is love between a man and a woman, this love can be broken because one or both think it is sinful.Of course, this statement also has its basis.Parnell, for example, undoubtedly ruined his happiness by adultery, and as a result he put off satisfying the Irishman's hopes for years.Even if the feeling of guilt is baseless, it can damage love just as much.Only free, passionate, unrestrained and whole-hearted love can be rewarded with all kinds of goodwill.

Traditional education associates love, even love in marriage, with sin.This feeling of guilt often exists in the subconscious of both men and women. This feeling is not only deeply rooted in those who inherit the old tradition, but also exists in those who have emancipated their minds.The effects of this psychology are varied, and it often makes men cruel, stupid, and unsympathetic in lovemaking, because they can neither say things that can increase a woman's sexual excitement, nor do they know how to make a woman gradually reach the final orgasm , which is essential to arouse the pleasure of most women.Indeed, men never realize that women are supposed to experience pleasure, and if women do not experience it, it is entirely his fault.In conventionally educated women there is often a certain grim self-restraint, carnal self-denial, and a distaste for men who carelessly touch her body.A flexible suitor may be able to overcome a woman's shyness, but a man who respects and celebrates it as a sign of a woman's chastity will probably fail.As a result, even after many years of marriage, the relationship between husband and wife remains formal and rigid.In the time of our ancestors, men never demanded to see their wives naked, and their wives were terrified out of their wits at such a request.This attitude is so prevalent to this day that we do not expect it.Even among those who have escaped from this point of view, there are still not a few old restraints.

A more psychological barrier to the full development of love exists in today's society, and that is the fear that many people will not be able to preserve the integrity of their individuality.It is a silly, peculiarly modern fear.The end of individuality is not individuality itself; individuality is something that must come into extensive contact with the outside world, so that it must shed its solitude.The self-styled personality will be gradually obliterated, and the personality that can develop freely in human communication will be enriched.

Love, children, and work are major avenues for increasing personal contact with the world.Of these three, love is the first in terms of time.also.Love is also indispensable for parents to cultivate love for their children.Because the child is accustomed to imitate the parents, if the parents do not love each other, then, when these characteristics are manifested in the child, they represent only the characteristics of one of them and are quite different from the characteristics of the other.Work does not always bring a man into deep and wide contact with the outside world, and whether or not this can be done depends entirely on the spirit with which we do it.There is no value in work purely for money, only work that involves some kind of love, whether for people, things, or merely ideals.There is no value in working just for love, for love is the same as working for money.In order to attain the value of which we speak, the lover must realize that the beloved is as important as himself, and must also recognize the other's feelings and wishes as his own.That is to say, we should not only communicate our sense of self to others according to our consciousness, but also according to our instinct.The fierce competition of our society, and the ignorant cult of personality produced by the Protestant and Romantic movements, make all this seem like a fantasy.

Among the emancipated modern man, this true love of which we speak faces a new danger.Since at any time some people no longer consider the moral barriers of sexual intercourse, even the slightest impulse will lead to sexual intercourse, they regard sex and real love as two different things, and even identify sex with the feeling of hate.For this problem, the novel of Aldous Huxley gives us a best illustration.His characters, like St. Paul's, regard sexual intercourse as a mere physical outlet, and they are ignorant of the higher values ​​​​connected to it.The only result of this attitude was the restoration of asceticism.In fact, love has its own legitimate ideals and inherent moral standards.In the preaching of Christianity and the indiscriminate revolt against all sexual morality (mostly by the younger generation), this ideal and moral standard disappeared.Sexual intercourse without love cannot fully satisfy instincts.I am not saying that this kind of sexual intercourse cannot be had, because to do this we must build up strong barriers that cannot produce love. Sexual intercourse is regarded as the impulse of love.

Love, as we have seen, makes a strong claim to a recognized place in life.But love is an anarchic force, which will not rest in the yoke of law and custom, if left to its own devices.If the result of love has nothing to do with the children, then it is not a big problem.But we're on a different spectrum as soon as the outcome of love concerns a child.In this range, love no longer exists in isolation, but serves the biological purpose of the human race.We must therefore have a social morality with respect to children which, in case of conflict, governs the desires born of passionate love.Sensible morality will minimize these conflicts as long as their parents love each other.For love is not only beneficial to itself, but equally beneficial to the child.One of the chief purposes of a rational sexual morality, therefore, is to enable the healthy development of love, as it concerns the interests of the child.We shall discuss this issue after studying the family.

(End of this chapter)