sex and marriage

Chapter 14 Marriage
In this chapter, I want to discuss only marriage as a relationship between a man and a woman, which has nothing to do with children.True, marriage is not the same as sexual relations, in fact, it is a legal institution.Marriage is also a religious institution in most societies, but it is primarily a legal institution.The behavior covered by the legal system exists not only among primitive people, but also among the great apes and various other animals.Animals also have the same behavior as marriage, because male cooperation is necessary in raising young.Usually, the mating of animals is monogamous, and according to some authorities, this is especially the case among the great apes.If the words of these authorities are to be believed.Lucky animals don't seem to have the problems that plague human societies, because once male animals mate, they lose their attraction to other females, and once females mate, they lose their attraction to other males.Thus, among the apes, though devoid of religious influence, they are innocent, since instinct is sufficient to produce morality.

There is evidence of a similar situation among the most primitive savage peoples.It is said that the inhabitants of the Australian bush are absolutely faithful to monogamy.And as far as I know, Tasmanians (now extinct) were extremely devoted to their wives.Even among civilized peoples there are sometimes faint traces of the monogamous instinct.When it comes to the influence of habit on behavior, we may find it difficult to imagine, because monogamy is not a panacea for the restraint of instinct.But this is what characterizes the human intellect, and from it arises human evil as well as intelligence—the so-called imaginative faculty of breaking old habits and inventing new behaviours.

The first thing that destroys primitive monogamy is probably the intrusion of economic motives.The effect of this motive on sexual behavior is extremely harmful, for it can replace relations based on instinct by relations of slavery or purchase.In ancient agricultural and animal husbandry societies, wives and children were the private property of men.His wife would do the work for him, and the children, after the age of five or six, would be useful in the fields or on the cattle ranch.Therefore, men who are capable always take pride in getting as many wives as possible.Because of the limited number of women, polygamy seldom became a common pattern in society, so it was only the prerogative of the chiefs and the wealthy.Numerous wives and children were a sign of wealth, and the privileged position of those who possessed them was thereby enhanced.Thus the wife's primary function becomes that of a money-making animal, and her sexual function becomes secondary.At this stage of civilization, it was usually easy for a man to divorce his wife, although he had to pay back her dowry.In general, however, it is quite impossible for a wife to divorce her husband.

The attitude of most semi-civilized societies towards adultery is also based on this idea.In very low stages of civilization, adultery is sometimes tacitly tolerated.It is said that when Samoans are away, they are very eager for their wives to find ways to comfort them when they are not at home.In the higher stages of civilization, however, adultery by a woman is punishable by death, if not by death, at least by a very severe punishment.In my youth, Mungo Parker's account of Mobo Junpo was generally known.However, in recent years, I have found that some well-educated Americans are competing to regard Mabo Junbo as a Congolese god. This ignorance makes me feel very sad.In fact, he is not a god and has nothing to do with the Congo.He is a bogeyman invented by the Upper Niger to terrorize women who commit crimes.Mungo Parker's description of him hints at a conception of the origins of religion by Fortel.This idea has been carefully avoided by those modern anthropologists who cannot tolerate the criminality of reason to infeste the behavior of savages.It is certainly a crime for a man to commit adultery with another man's wife.But he would not be blamed for committing adultery with an unmarried woman, unless he destroyed her value in the marriage market.

With the birth of Christianity.There has been a marked shift in this view.Since then, the status of religion in marriage has been greatly improved.Acts that break the law of marriage are blamed, not because of economic property, but because of taboo.Adultery with another man's wife is, of course, a sin against that man, but sexual intercourse outside of marriage is also a sin against God, and in the opinion of the Church, a much more serious sin.For this reason, although a man had the right to divorce his wife easily in the past, divorce has now become an outrageous thing.Since then, marriage has become a sacred and lifelong matter.

Is this a gain or a loss for human happiness?It's hard to say.Among the peasants the life of a married woman is usually very unhappy, and generally speaking the life of a married woman among illiterate peasants is the most unfortunate.Among the most savage peoples a woman is aged at twenty-five, and no beauty can be expected.The concept of treating women as domestic animals is undoubtedly a pleasure for men, but for women, it just means non-stop work and hard life.Although Christianity has made women's status even lower in some respects, especially among the wealthy classes, it at least recognizes that women are theologically equal to men, and it also opposes the absolute status of women as men. property.Of course, a married woman has no right to file for divorce and remarry, but she can leave her husband to live a religious life.In general, it is easier for women to advance their status according to Christian rather than pre-Christian views.

If we can look at the whole society, that is, figure out the various situations that can give marriage happiness and misfortune, and reflect on them, then we will come to an incredible conclusion: the more educated people are, the less able they are to marry. Their partners share the happiness of growing old together.Although the marriages of Irish peasants are still arranged by their parents to this day, those who know them say that they are generally happy and their married life is pure.On the whole, marriage is extremely easy among those who are not very different.If a man was not so different from other men, and a woman was not so different from other women, there would be no reason to regret not marrying someone else.However, if people's tastes, pursuits and careers are very different, then they will demand that their partners are like-minded.When they suddenly find that what they get is far from what they expected, they will feel psychologically unbalanced.The Church's view of marriage is entirely from a sexual point of view, so it sees no reason why partners are not exactly the same.It always advocates permanent marriage, but it does not feel that this permanent marriage means suffering.

Another condition for a happy marriage is the scarcity of single or solitary women and the lack of opportunities for men to socialize with other women.If there were no possibility of sexual intercourse with other women than with their own wives, then most men would be content with the status quo, which they would find quite bearable, except in uncharacteristically bad circumstances.The same is true for wives, especially for those women who never expected much happiness from their marriage.That is to say, if both parties do not expect greater happiness from the marriage, then the marriage may be called a happy one.

Therefore, the stability of social customs can also prevent so-called unhappy marriages.If we regard the contract of marriage as final and unalterable, nothing will stimulate us to fanciful fancies that we can attain more ardent happiness.Under this kind of thinking, in order to ensure family harmony, no matter husband or wife, as long as they are not far from the generally accepted moral standards (no matter what the standards are), it is enough.

Among the educated people in the world today, the conditions that can lead to so-called happiness do not exist, therefore, a marriage that is happy after a few years.is very rare.Some of the causes of unhappiness have to do with culture, but if both men and women are more cultured than they are at present, some other factors are negligible.Let's discuss the latter first.Chief among these factors is poor sex education, which is much more common among the rich than among the peasants.Peasant boys have long been accustomed to the so-called facts of life, because they can be observed not only in humans, but also in animals.Therefore, they are neither ignorant nor overly finicky.On the contrary, those well-bred kids from rich families have no real knowledge about sexual issues.Even the most modern parents, though they educate their children from books, fail to expose their children to the normal, real-life intimacy with which peasant children are already familiar.

The victory of the Christian doctrine is that neither man nor woman had any sexual experience before marriage.However, nine times out of ten the results are unfortunate.Sexual behavior in humans is not instinctive, and the bride and groom who have no sexual experience may be ignorant of this fact and feel ashamed and unhappy.It would be better if the woman was just ignorant and the man had experience with whores.Unbeknownst to most men, the courtship process is still necessary after marriage.And many ladies don't know that if they are shy and regard their bodies as sacred and inviolable, it will do a hundred harms to their marriages but not any benefits.

In fact, all these can be solved through good sex education.In fact, modern youth receive far better sex education than their parents or grandparents did.A common belief among women in the past was that because they derived less pleasure from sex, they were morally superior to men.This attitude prevents a frank partnership between husband and wife.In fact, this attitude itself is completely wrong, because not being able to get pleasure from sex, morality aside, this failure is a physical or psychological defect, just like not being able to get pleasure from food.This kind of hope was pinned on beautiful women as early as 100 years ago.

But it's hard to eliminate those other causes of modern marital unhappiness.I think.Libertine, cultured people, both sexes, are generally polygamous, as far as their instincts are concerned.They may be deeply in love with each other, and for a number of years with only one person, but sooner or later the sexual caresses lose their passionate edge, and they look elsewhere to restore the original urge.Of course, for the sake of morality, we may control this impulsive feeling, but it is difficult for us to prevent it from happening.With the increase of women's liberty, the opportunities for adultery have increased greatly than before.Opportunity begets ideas, and ideas beget desires, and if there are no religious scruples, desires will be acted upon.

Marriage became in many ways more difficult to sustain because of women's emancipation.before.A wife must submit to her husband, but a husband does not have to submit to his wife.Many wives are now reluctant to submit unduly to their husbands, on the grounds of women's rights to personality and career, while men who still yearn for the old tradition of male dominance see no reason why they should be submissive.The occurrence of this phenomenon has a lot to do with fornication.In the past, a man occasionally went off the rails without his wife knowing; even if she knew, the man had only to admit he was wrong and convince her that he would repent.On the other hand, wives are usually chaste.If she is not chaste, and this fact is known to her husband, it will lead to the breakdown of the marriage.Many modern marriages show that although there has never been an open quarrel between husband and wife, there is still a jealous instinct that does not require mutual fidelity, and often makes intimacy unsustainable.

There is another difficulty in modern marriage which is felt most by those who are most aware of the value of love.Love develops as long as it is free and spontaneous: if love is considered a duty, it dies.If someone says that it is your duty to love someone, no doubt it will make you hate him or her.If love and law are linked together, marriage becomes a matter of losing both sides.Shelley said:

I have never had anything to do with that great religion,

For according to the great teachings of that great religion,

Everyone can only choose a man or a woman from the crowd,
No matter how wise and how beautiful the rest are,

We can only forget them from the bleak memory,

Ah, such is morality and law as it is today.

On this road walks poor and weary slaves,

Alas, they came at last to the family grave,

This family has always stood on the highway of the world,

Bring a bound friend or a jealous foe,

From then on, embarking on that long journey is both distant and blurred.

There is no doubt that to deny all love from others because of marriage means diminished life experience, sympathy, and opportunities for contact with worthy people.From the most idealistic point of view, this is the most beautiful experience in destroying life.Like all binding morality, this feeds into the so-called policeman's outlook on life—a notion that is always looking for an opportunity to ban this or that.

For these reasons (many of which are associated with good things), marriage is a very difficult thing to do.If we are to keep marriage from becoming an obstacle to happiness, we must find a new way.One solution that is often mentioned and, in fact, is widely practiced in the United States is easy divorce.Of course, I argue as well as others that divorce should be granted on grounds that go beyond what English law allows, but I don't think easy divorce is the best solution to marital misery.Even if both parties are of good character, divorce is often the right way to resolve problems in childless marriages.But if there are children, in my opinion, the stability of the marriage becomes a very important thing (I will come to this issue when I discuss the family).In my opinion, if the marriage has resulted in birth, and both parties have a sensible and noble attitude towards marriage, then we should hope that this marriage can last for life, but this does not exclude the existence of extramarital sexual relations.A marriage that begins with passionate love and produces children desired and loved by both parties should create a deep bond between the man and the woman that makes them feel that they are There is something extremely precious in the life of your partner.This is true even after libido has waned, even when one or both partners feel that their libido exists only for others.

Jealousy is the natural enemy of a good marriage.Jealousy, though an instinctive emotion, can be curbed, provided we recognize its sinfulness and do not regard it as an expression of legitimate moral anger.A married life that lasts for many years, and has many profound experiences, has a richness that the early days of love do not have.Although the early stages of love can be very happy.

therefore.As long as educated men and women meet the following conditions, they are very likely to get happiness from marriage: first, both parties must have the concept of absolute equality; second, they must not interfere with each other's freedom; Three, the physical or physical intimacy must be inseparable; and fourth, there must be some consensus on the various values, if one person values ​​money and another person values ​​noble causes.is unfortunate.Only when these conditions are met do I believe that marriage is the noblest and most important relationship between two people.The reason why this kind of relationship was rarely realized in the past is mainly because both husband and wife regard themselves as the other's policeman.Therefore, both husband and wife must understand that since marriage has the possibility of realizing it, they must be free in their private lives, whatever the law may say.

(End of this chapter)