let me look at you

Chapter 19 I Forgive, Doesn't Mean I Forget

If a word of forgiveness can bring Han Shu back to his life, and everyone will not disturb each other, then I will forgive him. In fact, I have long since stopped hating him.

Han Shu left temporarily, Zhu Xiaobei sat alone in the arena for a while, a middle-aged uncle saw that she was alone, and invited her to play two rounds, Zhu Xiaobei reaped the pleasure of winning a big victory from the uncle.In the end, the uncle invited her to have dinner, but she refused on the grounds that she wanted to go home to take care of the children. She packed up her things and walked out of the arena.

Zhu Xiaobei rarely comes to this arena, and he is not very familiar with the surrounding areas. Today, Han Shu mentioned Xie Ju Nian to her, and she remembered that Ju Nian told her before that there is a veal noodle restaurant not far from here that tastes the same. Yes, but Zhu Xiaobei has never had the chance to try.It seems that it is impossible for Han Shu to get away in a short time. Isn't this a good opportunity to taste beef noodles?Zhu Xiaobei is also a man of action, so he decided to search in the direction Ju Nian mentioned without saying a word.

Zhu Xiaobei has lived in the north since she was a child, and her feet are on a flat land. In her hometown, she used to point out directions from east to west, north and south. Streets go from east to west, and roads go from north to south.But in the south, these concepts completely lost their meaning. City G is a typical example. The roads and alleys, big and small, are like cobwebs, and they don’t play cards according to the rules. The sense of direction is excellent, and I also felt dizzy when I first came.The people here are also interesting in giving directions. They don’t talk about directions, they just like to talk about left and right, go left, go left, go right, go right, turn a corner, and accidentally walk into a sign of China Unicom.

Fortunately, Xie Ju Nian is not like this. She has a different meaning in giving directions. She said that you are on XX Road, and you see a tall building, which is golden, go there, then walk past the slightly crooked traffic lights, and count to the fifth one. Opposite the street lamp is the alley. There are many snack bars in the alley. The beef noodle restaurant has no signboard, only a camphor tree that looks like "Kanglong Yougui", which is next to the tree.

Xie Ju Nian was so eloquent when talking about those features, as if compared to left and right things, they are eternal.Zhu Xiaobei thought it was fun at the time, but now he walked all the way, the golden building, the slightly crooked traffic lights, the alley opposite the fifth street light, and the snack bars in the alley... There are quite a few of them, and the strange-shaped tree Camphor tree, except for the Eighteen Dragon Subduing Palms No. 18 "Conquering the Dragon with Regrets" that Guo Jing often gestures in Huang Rihua's version of "The Legend of the Condor Heroes", Zhu Xiaobei found that he could no longer find a more suitable word to describe it.

Standing under the tree, the hot aroma of braised beef came rushing to his face. In fact, Zhu Xiaobei liked the smell of fireworks more than when he was eating with Han Shu, he was particular about the place, tableware, and atmosphere.The small storefront is simple enough, but it is just in time for dinner, and there are more than one diners.Zhu Xiaobei yelled for a long time before the shop owner gave her a small plastic signboard of the signature beef noodles, and then she continued to worry about finding a seat in the crowded shop.

The space in the store is only about ten square meters, with a few low square tables irregularly placed. Zhu Xiaobei looked around, and among the people who were sweating profusely and had no image eating noodles, there were not a few young, handsome men and beautiful women. As he watched, his eyes suddenly lit up.Strange, is it true that one cannot talk about people during the day and ghosts at night?

"Orange year, thank you for the orange year?"

Zhu Xiaobei couldn't control that much, he called that familiar face across several people.

Xie Ju Nian was really there. She just got off work after a busy day. The fabric shop is only two blocks away.On the days when Feiming goes to badminton training classes, she usually seldom joins in and just finds a place to solve her stomach problems on the spot.

The beef noodles were very hot, and Ju Nian ate very slowly.Her slowness is not the cultivated elegance and reservedness, but the leisure without rushing for time, no one is waiting for her, and she doesn't wait for anyone, as if such a bowl of noodles can be eaten slowly for eternity.

Ju Nian stopped his chopsticks when he heard someone calling him. "Zhu Xiaobei!" She couldn't help laughing, calling Zhu Xiaobei over.

"I caught you the first time I came here, what do you think is a coincidence?" Zhu Xiaobei said.

"For those who have always said that they want to eat beef noodles with you, choosing a day is worse than hitting the day."

While talking, Zhu Xiaobei realized that Ju Nian was not alone, and sitting opposite her was a young girl—or a woman.The reason why she is so uncertain is because the woman's true face is almost invisible under the heavy makeup, let alone her age. Zhu Xiaobei can only judge from her enchanting body wrapped in a lace pink low-cut T-shirt with a navel. She won't be too old.It was not completely dark at this time, to be honest, Zhu Xiaobei had never seen such a gaudy dress under natural light, and was quite surprised.

Seeing that Ju Nian met an acquaintance, the woman patted her knees and stood up, vacating her seat, then raised her chin to Ju Nian: "I'm going to start work first, you guys talk." She didn't confront Zhu Xiaobei After saying hello, he walked out, and when he brushed past Zhu Xiaobei, a strong smell of cheap perfume poured into Zhu Xiaobei's nose, and Zhu Xiaobei resisted the desire to sneeze.Ju Nian didn't stay behind, he just whispered: "Be careful."

The woman smiled and didn't answer. She took a few steps, took out a crumpled cigarette case from the back pocket of her tight jeans, stooped and lit one, and gradually walked away.

Zhu Xiaobei claimed to have traveled all over the world, and there was nothing he hadn't seen before.In fact, her family roots are good and young, and her old mother takes care of her tightly, and her education has been quite satisfactory since she was a child. Although she likes to wander around, most of the people she meets are gentle people.She is not used to Han Shu's exquisite life, but it is rare to come into contact with the real bottom of society.The woman who was sitting across from Ju Nian before could not hide her exhaustion, and it was easy to have impure associations with the industry she was engaged in. For this kind of person, Zhu Xiaobei used to only learn from the social documentary columns of various media. It can be seen that it is the first time to meet face to face at such a close distance, so it is difficult not to take a second look.

"Your noodles are here, and you still refuse to sit down?" Ju Nian smiled and called her attention back.

Zhu Xiaobei withdrew his gaze, feeling a bit abrupt, and after sitting down, he laughed "hehe" twice, and asked curiously, "Your friend? You have quite a personality."

Ju Nian was not surprised by her doubts, and handed the small seasoning jar from the next table to her: "Do you want this... Uh, yes, a former roommate."

Maybe Ju Nian understands that such a simple answer can't satisfy Zhu Xiaobei's curiosity, she smiled and added: "The roommate who was in 'inside' came out a few years later than me."

Since the acquaintance, Ju Nian did not deliberately cover up the "stain" in her past life in front of Xiaobei, and of course, she did not deliberately exaggerate the twists and turns in it.Regarding that period of time, her most commonly used voice is "went in, and then came out", so I will briefly mention it.If you don't listen carefully, you will think that what she enters and exits is just the most ordinary place in the world.

If it weren't for the degraded smell of the old "roommate" who just appeared next to Ju Nian, Zhu Xiaobei had always had a hard time connecting the Xie Ju Nian he knew with the real crime.In her eyes, Xie Ju Nian is just like this, with a small face and just the right facial features. There is nothing particularly amazing, neither ostentatious nor charming, but when combined together, it is perfect. Say no Looks good.She's not particularly beautiful, but she's not unbeautiful either; she doesn't look harsh, but she's not gentle either; she doesn't talk much, but she's not dull; she doesn't look too shrewd, but you should know She knows everything about everything... She looks like everything and nothing at all, like a vague and contradictory mixture, but she cannot be confused with others at all, she is her, a 29-year-old named Xie Ju Nian woman.

Xiaobei recalled the first time they met on the train, they sat opposite each other, the long and boring journey, who can relieve fatigue?Zhu Xiaobei has always been talkative, she can have a lively chat with anyone, and of course she won't let go of the peers opposite her.Xie Ju Nian is easy to talk, but it is not easy to get acquainted with each other. Zhu Xiaobei said ten sentences, and she often responded with one or two sentences in a timely manner, but these one or two sentences made Zhu Xiaobei feel that talking to her in the whole carriage was the most interesting. She can best understand the meaning of the hidden jokes she tells, and always asks "and then?" at the most appropriate time, so that Zhu Xiaobei can continue talking endlessly. You think she listens casually, but what she said But it is exactly what I want to express.

After more than half of the journey, on the last night of the train bound for Lanzhou, there were very few passengers in the carriage, and Zhu Xiaobei almost stayed up all night. She just talked about her past twenty years to a strange girl she met by chance. In life, she talked about her blessings, her regrets, her friends, the people she loved and the people she missed.

Xie Ju Nian leaned against the glass window of the carriage and listened quietly without any interruptions. Her calmness like water made Zhu Xiaobei feel that his past had become a river, so slowly, slowly, between the two of them. Flowing in the car, sweet, bitter, like water waves jumping, vivid, but without a sound, it passed.

That was Zhu Xiaobei's most hearty confession in her life. She didn't have no friends, but her confession didn't need comfort, persuasion, or sympathy. She just needed to listen, a kind of listening that could understand.She still remembered that the weather was bad that night, the wilderness outside the glass was raining heavily, and the light of lightning flashed across Xie Junian's eyes, which was windless and rainless, which was a very confusing contrast.

The next morning, just after seven o'clock, the train arrived at Lanzhou Station, and it was Ju Nian who woke up the sleepy Zhu Xiaobei to get off the train.Zhu Xiaobei briefly packed her bags amidst the crowds on the platform, and her fellow travelers no longer knew where they were going.That time, she didn't even know Ju Nian's name, and Ju Nian never mentioned about herself.

On the return trip, it was an accident to run into the two of them again in the waiting room. For this, Zhu Xiaobei attributed it to "fate, fate".So she couldn't help but half-forced the young man who was sitting opposite Ju Nian to change seats and carriages with her. In order to avoid the two of them missing each other again, she offered to exchange names and contact numbers with Ju Nian. This is the friendship between the two of the official unveiling.

Zhu Xiaobei had already finished talking about everything when she went, but she was quite curious about Ju Nian.Ju Nian didn't mention herself too much, she said that she was mediocre, but in order to alleviate the loneliness of the journey, she was willing to tell Zhu Xiaobei a story, a story about her youth.

"If I knew that the people in the story might be related to me, I swear I would listen to every word more carefully." In the evening beef noodle restaurant, Zhu Xiaobei said frankly.In fact, Zhu Xiaobei didn't finish listening to that story. Ju Nian's narration was too slow, so slow that Xiaobei felt that the story had only a beginning and no end.

Ju Nian was taken aback by Zhu Xiaobei's words, but she didn't make a sound.

Xiao Bei went on and said, "Actually, the first time I brought him to your shop, you already recognized him, right?"

Ju Nian just finished his last bite and said: "You just told me that you were lucky and found a good partner to marry. I don't want some trivial things to affect you."

"Minions? That's how you describe our prosecutor Han?" Zhu Xiaobei laughed loudly. "He will definitely be sad. This 'minor' even assumes that he is your child's father."

"Feiming was not born to me, and Han Shu is not her father. You can rest assured, Xiao Bei. The matter between me and Han Shu has passed too long, and it is not enough to affect your life with him now."

"Not enough to affect your own life? Ju Nian, Han Shu couldn't let go, did you really forgive him?"

Ju Nian was silent again, and there were two wall fans embedded in the black and yellow walls of the noodle restaurant, and the leaves of the fans, which were covered with oil, turned and turned, and the dust became a blur.The wind blown by the electric fan blew the chopstick cover of the disposable sanitary chopsticks on the low table, and it was about to fly away restlessly. Ju Nian stretched out his hand to hold it down, and gently kneaded it into a ball.

"It's easy to say I'm sorry, and it's not difficult to say forgiveness. Xiaobei, people often live with a sigh of relief. Happiness is a breath, sadness is a breath, anger is a breath, hatred is a breath, and guilt is also a breath. Han Shu is holding back his breath, so he refuses to let himself go, since he needs a symbolic redemption, then I will give him a forgiveness, why not?"

"He is so bitter, and you have never resented?" Zhu Xiaobei asked.

Ju Nian replied: "Hate? If you say you haven't hated, then you are not a human being. At the beginning, I even hated myself. I live in this world just to be inside the high walls and iron bars, and look out through the small iron windows at night." The light in the prison was turned off, and I was stepping on the sewing machine in the prison workshop during the day, and I received a few yuan for that month? But after hating and hating, it actually faded away. It’s been too long, what’s the point of not forgiving? For me , his apology is not precious, and no one's apology is precious. Did you see the girl just now, her name is Pingfeng, my cellmate. You guessed right, she is in that line of work, repeatedly I went in and squatted just for this. When I first came out to sell, my family was poor, and my younger brothers were studying. I felt that my sacrifice was great. After a few years in there, I also wanted to live a clean life when I came out. My younger brothers all got married. I'm not rich anymore, so I'm probably grateful. Sometimes I give her a hundred or so yuan, and sometimes I give her something small, but I'm afraid that she will bring up those disgraceful things, so naturally there will be less communication. She doesn't mean I hate someone, but I just want to live, but I have no culture, no special skills, coolies can't do it, good people won't marry her, I have to eat, the little money my brothers spend every now and then is not as good as she can earn more by going out for a night, she I don’t want to see them evasive, so what if I don’t go back to my old business? When I said Ah Feng’s matter, I actually meant the same thing, whether it’s guilt or whatever, it’s someone else’s business and has nothing to do with us. If A word of forgiveness can bring Han Shu back to his life, and everyone will not disturb each other, then I will forgive him, in fact, I have long since stopped hating him."

Xiaobei asked: "What if he is willing to give you a valuable compensation, for example, the future? He dares to say that Feiming is his daughter in front of others, do you dare to say that this is just guilt? Even if you don't want to be disturbed by him , can he stop?"

"Aren't you..." Changing Ju Nian showed doubts.

Xiaobei laughed and said, "Han Shu is a good marriage partner, but there are many good marriage partners in the world. How can a good woman have no husband? I have tried it, and probably many people can live with it for the rest of their lives, but None of them are Zhu Xiaobei." As she spoke, she held Ju Nian's arm in a somewhat disdainful manner, "I still like Han Shu, but I like you even more."

"Then let's get married." Ju Nian said casually.

Regardless of other people's stares, Zhu Xiaobei laughed enough, and then continued in a low voice to Ju Nian: "Ju Nian, I'm going back to Xinjiang, Jiangnan has to give me an explanation. Find a good man to marry, he said it easily Who is he to me? As for Han Shu, I dare not say anything else, he has a heart for you. If you are willing to reach out and grab it, at least he can give you a stable life, not only for you, but also for you. Ming. Since we can say forgiveness, why not..."

Ju Nian pursed his lips and smiled, interrupting Zhu Xiaobei: "I forgive those things, but it doesn't mean I forget."

"Look, it's all dark and there are fewer people. Are you in a hurry to go home...Okay, if you want to listen to the story that I didn't have time to finish, then I can finish it well, as long as you want .”

(End of this chapter)