let me look at you

Chapter 20 From Butterfly to Chrysalis

The story of Snow White ended with laughter. From then on, Ju Nian rejected all performances under the gaze of everyone.She slowly converges from a butterfly to a chrysalis.

When many people who are about to die look back, they like to say a word: youth must be tragic.Memories of youth are full of blood and flesh, and when I am old, I forget everything. I lick my lips, and I can vaguely feel the sweetness of the blood.Speaking of which, Ju Nian's youth was a passing grade, or in other words, she accidentally got a high score again, although that was not her intention.

Zhang Dacai said: The life of an ordinary person, no matter how good it is, is just a fan of peach blossoms, with a broken head and blood splashing on the fan.A wise person will dye the fan a little bit to become a peach blossom; a foolish person will keep watching the blood-stained fan for a lifetime.The same is true of youth, who was not arrogant and impulsive back then, who was not ignorant and ridiculous, but other people's youth is used for transition, for looking back, most people are smart people, after maturity, through a semi-transparent veil Lian admired his peach blossom fan.But Ju Nian was different, she bumped too hard, blood spattered for five steps, there was no peach blossom fan, and a red scarf was dyed in life.

Is it miserable? It seems to be a little bit.If it were someone else, I'm afraid they would already feel too much pain, and the past would be unbearable to look back on.Ju Nian is not like this, as someone commented, she has a spirit of negative optimism.Ju Nian is afraid of pain, she belongs to the kind of person who has a particularly strong nerve for pain.It is said that when she was three years old, her family took her to the hospital for injections. The adults put her face down on her thighs, with her arms tightly clamping her body. Unexpectedly, the doctor stabbed her in the buttocks. She could not move. He forcibly kicked the wooden injection grooming table on the side one meter away, not because of natural supernatural power, but because it hurt too much and he couldn't help himself.But since entering preschool, every time the doctor at the epidemic prevention station came to the classroom to give the students vaccinations, she was always the first to roll up her sleeves and walk up to the doctor.The teacher asked: "Xie Ju Nian, why are you so brave?" She replied: "I want to shorten the time of being afraid. After the injection, I will not be afraid, and I can watch others be afraid. Because of this answer, despite her "bravery", she was not once praised.

Ju Nian likes to have nightmares, because she knows that the dream is fake, since it is fake, it doesn't matter, when she wakes up, the monster is gone, and she knows that the morning is so good.She said that the luckiest thing for a person to live in this world is not winning the lottery, but when she was in jail, a voice suddenly came from outside the bar window saying: "I caught the wrong person, let's go." At any time, her heart She never forgets to keep a life-saving rope for herself. If this rope can't save her life, at least she can use it to hang herself.Regardless of good memory or bad memory, if you can't forget it, just remember it, just like you keep pressing on your wound, and then let go, and suddenly you don't feel so painful.Just like on Ju Nian's birthday, the day that changed her life - she went from being an ordinary girl to being a female prisoner.But about the memory of this day, she has repeatedly recalled it in the past 11 years. In the end, all she remembered was the coldness. The long hair that had been kept for many years was cut off by a pair of scissors, and the back of the neck was suddenly exposed to the air. It was so cool. Ah... just like the first night inside the high wall, the small piece of moonlight sprinkled on her feet was cool.

In fact, strictly speaking, Xie Ju Nian before the age of three was a very lively little girl.At that time, her parents were busy with work, and she basically lived with her grandfather, and only reunited with her parents who returned to her grandfather's residence for dinner on weekends.

Grandpa is an old intellectual who came from the old society. After retirement, he was still an active member of the old cadre group.His hands are very skillful, not only can he write good calligraphy, but he can also use a sewing machine to make beautiful clothes.What Ju Nian got from his grandpa, besides the chic and bright floral skirts that are always better than other children, is also an earlier enlightenment.She paints monkeys offering peaches in ink and wash, and has won awards in children's painting and calligraphy competitions several times. Others are still chanting "Autumn is here, and the leaves are turning yellow." You are not satisfied with what you said, and you will return to the Nanshan border..."

Ju Nian didn't know the meaning of the poem, but it didn't prevent her from holding her grandfather's hand and reciting it loudly in front of adults. Those awkward words didn't hinder her at all. She recited poems When calm and serious.Uncles and aunts asked her to perform a show, and she sang and danced in circles without saying a word, without any stage fright.Looking back at the photos of her childhood in the year of Orange, her face was really round, flushed and apple-like when she hadn’t grown up. She met the standard of cuteness, plus she was bold and expressive, adults Everyone likes her, she is everyone's little pistachio.In this way, her childhood was pleasant, at least before the age of three.

Not long after Ju Nian turned three years old, grandpa went out to play bridge one night. When he came back, his face was as red as drunk. He said that he was dizzy. After washing his face, he went back to bed and lay down. He never woke up after lying down. .Grandpa died, Ju Nian's literary talent seemed to be frozen in this moment forever.Until now, the only thing she can draw is the monkey offering peaches, her skill level is no different from when she was three years old, it is no longer a talent, it is just a naive childhood memory.

Once the grandfather's funeral is over, Ju Nian will live with his parents.When packing things, my mother felt that she was too slow and urged her so many times that she had to give up looking for her painting supplies in the messy house after experiencing a death, picked up her favorite clothes and went back to the house. to his real home.

Ju Nian, who has just entered kindergarten, is not as close to her parents as her grandpa, but she loves her parents, just like all children love their parents. The fact that they get together less often and more apart all the time has made her more interested in living with her parents. yearning.

Ju Nian's father, Xie Maohua, was working as a full-time driver in the city procuratorate's car squad.Xie Maohua's personality is completely different from that of Ju Nian's grandfather. He didn't catch up with the good times, and he didn't read much. Driving was his greatest specialty, and it was also his only specialty. rice bowl.He is an extremely introverted and reserved man, whether it is words or actions, he rarely expresses anything, or he has nothing to express, even in front of his family.Correspondingly, the wife he married was also a very traditional and conservative woman.

Ju Nian's mother didn't have a job at first, but because of her husband, she worked as a temporary worker in the staff canteen of the city courtyard.Although she doesn't have much education, she has a very strong sense of morality. Of course she is upright at ordinary times, and her clothes are as plain as water. When she sees a slightly outgoing and enthusiastic woman, or a woman who is too dazzling, she loves her the most. Privately indignantly expressing her distaste for such "frivolity."

From the first day he was brought home, none of the flowery skirts and small hairpins that Ju Nian brought back could catch her mother's eyes.Mom said: "Girls, you dress so fancy. If others don't know about it, they think it was born in an unscrupulous family." When saying these words, Dad showed a silent approval.Ju Nian didn't have a deep understanding of the word "undecent", but judging from her mother's expression, she also guessed that it was not a good word. For the first time, she felt confused. She was very happy by Grandpa's side. These beautiful She also likes her clothes, so why did they suddenly become bad things?

She obediently put back on the "pure" clothes her mother had chosen for her, and transferred from the kindergarten near her grandfather's old house to the kindergarten for the families of the procuratorate, officially starting a new life.She still has a lot of mistakes, and there are still many things that need to be corrected.Mom and Dad don't like her talking too much, laughing heartlessly every day, don't like her being in love with some weird things, and don't like her being someone else's pistachio, which looks crazy.They want her to be quieter, quieter,
Although Ju Nian doesn't know the difference between her and the dummy in the puppet show if she keeps quiet, the child's resilience is infinite, and it is not difficult for her to adapt to this change.Like all the children from dual-career families in the compound, she plays games in the kindergarten during the day, and at night, she returns home to listen to her parents criticizing the beautiful sister in the TV series for being coquettish, or that a certain aunt in the unit is extremely frivolous, and So-and-so is simply XX... These words are new and unfamiliar to her.

Once, her parents took her to go shopping together (Ju Nian's parents never walked side by side when they traveled together, they felt embarrassed), and there happened to be a young couple hugging each other in front of them, that kind of intimacy The appearance was still rare at that time, so my mother cursed in a low voice: "It's so embarrassing! If my daughter is like them in the future, I will break her hands and feet without saying a word!"

At that time, Ju Nian was concentrating on observing the different ways of walking of the people around her. When she heard her mother's sudden words, she was startled. She didn't know what was wrong with her or what was wrong.She has lived with her parents for two years, and it seems that she has never won their favor, although other uncles and aunts in the compound say she is a beautiful baby.

When he was five years old, Ju Nian had just entered preschool and caught up with a large-scale theatrical performance in the kindergarten.When rehearsing the show, the teachers like to use Ju Nian, she is bold, expressive, and she looks like whatever she learns.As usual, she led the dance in the class that year. After putting on makeup, Ju Nian remembered that the bell bracelet used for the dance was still left at home.

The teacher said, let the parents send it to you as soon as possible.But Ju Nian dared not, even though his parents had rest that day.Fortunately, the kindergarten is not too far from her home, and Ju Nian, wearing heavy makeup on her face, rushed back to the tube building where her family lived like a whirlwind.It was lunch break at that time, afraid of waking up her hard-working parents, she gently opened the door with the key tied around her neck with red wool, and successfully found her bracelet on the drawer in the living room.Just as I was about to run back to the kindergarten, there was some movement from the closed door of my parents.

Ju Nian thought she was making too much noise, so she hesitated for a while, but she stood there for a few seconds, her parents' voices didn't seem to be aware of her existence.The child's natural curiosity made her tiptoe to the door, and secretly attached her ear to the thin wooden board. After listening for a while, she was startled.

The heavy panting made people feel chest tightness in the summer afternoon, and Ju Nian could hear both his father and his mother. They seemed to be fighting, and at the same time they seemed to be sick.She was terrified, her feet could not move a single step as if they were stuck in glue, and she just stood there listening to the sound gradually disappearing.

Thankfully, after a while, my mother's normal voice finally came from the other side of the door, and there were some young people in front who couldn't hear clearly, "... I have no objection to having another child, but the family planning is strictly enforced in the courtyard. He should be punished."

"If you are punished, you will be punished. If you don't have a son, your life will be meaningless."

"It's easy to be born, but how do you register for a hukou?"

"There is always a way, ask a few more people to inquire."

"At the beginning, if the first child was a boy, I would have no worries, and now I don't have to worry about it."

"How about we send the year of orange away?"

"Bah, at least it's your own, and you're not afraid of someone poking your back. Besides, where to send it? Isn't it a treasure? Who would want it?"

"Don't tell me, I have an idea. How about transferring her account to my sister and giving her some money so that she can live with my sister and the others, and things will be easy for us. If not , give me some money, ask someone to issue a disability certificate or something..."

Ju Nian listened, listened, seemed to understand, but also didn't seem to understand.The back of the beautiful light gauze dance dress seemed to be soaked, sticking to the back, itchy and hot.They were discussing her, and her unknown enemy.Grandpa died, and even her parents didn't want her anymore.They don't like themselves at all.

At this moment, Ju Nian suddenly remembered that there was still a performance waiting for her.With her waist down, she ran out of her home as if she had done something bad, and rushed to the backstage of the temporary stage set up by the kindergarten with a sigh of relief.The children were already waiting, and the teacher in charge of their dance was both angry and relieved when he saw her sweat-washed face like a tabby cat.

On the stage, Snow White and the seven dwarfs are dancing.Ju Nian, who played the role of the princess, stood on tiptoe, her veil skirt fluttering like white clouds, and she was the focus of everyone's attention.

Are mom and dad up?Did they come to see her perform, too?She suddenly remembered that she shouldn't be so noisy, parents like her quiet appearance, otherwise, they don't know where to send her.

In this way, a child thinks about her unpredictable future, and gradually forgets her dance steps on the stage.Ju Nian jumped more and more slowly, more and more slowly, at the end, he stood there blankly, not knowing what to do.There was an uproar off the stage, she saw and heard it.The instructor stomped anxiously and kept gesturing to her.

Oh, it's time for her to spin, pulling the kid who plays the prince to spin happily.Ju Nian pulled up the boy next to him, one circle, two circles, three circles... When she was spinning, she forgot everything, only remembering to spin.At this moment, all the people laughed, and everyone was so happy that they leaned forward and backward.Ju Nian suddenly found out that the kid playing the prince was standing in the corner of the stage in a daze, so who was she holding in her hand?
Through the oil paint on the boy's face beside him, Ju Nian woke up like a dream, and the one who was dragged around by her was a child whose parents had just transferred to this hospital from other places. He was temporarily called to replace the child who had a high fever a week ago. Dwarf.Ju Nian didn't even know his name.

She turned and turned, leading the wrong prince.

Or, she wasn't a princess at all.

The story of Snow White ended with laughter. From then on, Ju Nian rejected all performances under the gaze of everyone.She slowly converges from a butterfly to a chrysalis.

(End of this chapter)