let me look at you

Chapter 72 Let You Go, Let Me Go
If you really feel sorry for me, then you should wish me a happy life, why bother to disturb my relationship with Tang Ye.Do you think my happiness can only depend on your compensation?
Han Shu broke Tang Ye's hand. At this time, many diners in the romantic western restaurant had already looked over, and the two waiters who passed by them also stopped, exchanged glances, and whispered .

Tang Ye is definitely not a person who can ignore other people's attention. His character and upbringing make him rarely do outrageous things.Xie Junian and Han Shu, one is the "girlfriend" he borrowed today, and the other is the godson of his stepmother, and he has many entanglements with him in business affairs.Even the most obtuse person can see the dark tide surging between the two.Ju Nian was brought by him, and he was obliged to protect her to leave safely, but the scene in front of him made Tang Ye doubt whether it was wise for him to go into the muddy water again.

Han Shu said that this was a matter "between them". After he said a harsh word, his eyes never left Xie Ju Nian, and Ju Nian bowed his head silently.

Tang Ye asked in a low voice: "Ju Nian, are you okay?"

The corner of Ju Nian's mouth seemed to twitch, and he smiled bitterly, but he didn't answer.

So Tang Ye spread his hands, "My car is parked far away, I'll go out first." He patted Ju Nian's arm lightly with his hand before leaving, and said softly, "I'll wait for you at the intersection."

It wasn't until Tang Ye's figure disappeared at the door that Han Shu's hand relaxed a little. He couldn't help worrying that he didn't know how to measure it before, and she didn't know if it hurt.But she didn't say a word from the beginning to the end, and never frowned. He never could guess how she felt, and even the pain could only be guessed by himself.

Perhaps he finally realized that he had become the focus of everyone's attention, and Cai Jian, who had been sitting alone all this time, was still watching with cold eyes.Han Shu said, "Shall we talk in another place?"

Ju Nian didn't know what he was thinking, and turned a deaf ear to it, as if he didn't realize it.

Han Shu was helpless, still grabbed her arm, pulled her up to the door, and Ju Nian followed him out like a doll on a string.

Han Shu didn't stop until he was on the sidewalk near the left bank exit, he hesitated to let go, afraid that she would turn around and leave.

That place is an outlet, from the warm spring restaurant to here, it is tantamount to two worlds.Ju Nian was wearing a gray coat, the neckline of which was not tightly protected. As soon as she stood still, the cold air of the winter night poured in from her neck. She wrapped her arms around herself and shivered slightly.

Seeing the situation, Han Shu immediately took off his coat and wanted to put it on her shoulders, but she blocked it with one hand.

"No need." Ju Nian's voice was helpless and tired, "Enough is enough, Han Shu."

This was the first sentence Ju Nian said to Han Shu after this unexpected meeting.

Han Shu slowly lowered his hand holding the coat, the colder than the night breeze instantly made his blood freeze into ice.

He held the clothes he had taken off in his hands, and when he saw the Santa Claus dolls at the entrance of the clothing store to attract customers, he suddenly felt like a very sad clown in front of her.

He tried to laugh, and began to mock himself, "I don't understand why I always stand in front of you with a glorious image of a fool."

Ju Nian didn't smile, as expected.Han Shu smiled alone, sending himself to the extreme of discomfort, and finally loosened the stiff corners of his lips, and stopped embarrassing himself.

"I didn't just talk to Tang Ye just now. It's okay if I kneel down and beg you, as long as we talk well, as long as you feel better... Should I kneel down and beg you?" He held Ju Nianbing as if hands.

The two of them in the cold wind can't warm each other up.

Ju Nian thought it was absurd, she was afraid that Han Shu's temper would come up, and she could do what she said, so she made a quick move and took a few steps back, "Don't... After I'm gone, you can kneel to anyone, and you can kneel however you want you."

"Then tell me a word, what should I do?" The clown who couldn't please the audience didn't know how to call off the curtain.In Ju Nian's impression, Han Shu is full of self-confidence, a little cynical and pretentious, he thinks highly of himself, and his usual politeness is also condescending.But at this time, he was like a child who was walking and walking but couldn't find a home. One second before dark, he found that there was no road in front of him, and he was so frightened that he couldn't be more frightened.

Ju Nian is not a hard-hearted woman. It is true that she cannot forget the past, but she never thought of punishing Han Shu to make herself happy and relieved.Because she and Han Shu are two people, Han Shu's pain belongs to Han Shu, Xie Ju Nian's pain belongs to Xie Ju Nian, one increase does not mean that the other disappears, why bother?

"I said I forgive you, not just talking. You really don't need to do this, Han Shu, you live your life and let me live mine. This is the best way for us to end up."

However, the forgiveness that Ju Nian said was not Han Shuyao's forgiveness, nor the salvation of his nightly nightmares.He asked the question that has been lingering in his heart for the past 11 years, "If I was the one who fell and died that day, would everyone feel better?"

But he still didn't dare to ask, if it was me who died, would you forget all my mistakes and only remember my only good?But did he ever have a "good" existence in Ju Nian's heart?No?That's okay, as long as she remembers him.If he died, would she remember him?

Ju Nian turned her face to look at the vehicles whizzing by on the main road. The festive lanterns and the delicate and bright window beside her made her face pale. When he said the word "death", it shocked her ears and forced her to think about it. At that time, heaven and man were separated.If the person who died was Han Shu...is there an if in the world?Can he rewrite fate?Can he get her little monk back?

"Han Shu, in fact, you still haven't understood it, and I haven't understood it for a long time, so I was far more sad than you at that time, and I blame fate for being so unfair to me. When I stood in the court and listened to the verdict , I hope you all go to hell, you all die... But I don't hate you so much now, do you know why? Because I finally figured out one thing in the past 11 years. You think you are the culprit, In fact, you are not, nor is your godmother, not even Chen Jiejie and her parents, the owner of the small hotel, and Lin Henggui... none of you are that important. In fact, it is us, Wu Yu and I who walked step by step In today's situation, even without you, wouldn't he and I be happy forever?"

After saying this, Ju Nian wept in front of Han Shu.For so many years, she herself rarely looked directly at her tears like this.Isn't every today the accumulation of countless yesterdays?She and Wu Yu walked through their youth step by step, so there was nothing wrong with them?If she hadn't been so cowardly and stubborn, if Wu Yu hadn't been so young and impulsive, if they hadn't longed for that little bit of love too much, if they believed that they were not caterpillars but butterflies, would the tragedy have been rewritten?There may be many kinds, but there is no if.

As she said to Han Shu, there are no ifs in life. The people in "if" are not Wu Yu and Ju Nian.This world is so real, and they have been too naive.Ju Nian wanted to lie to herself, to make herself believe that, just a little bit, just a little bit, without Han Shu, without Chen Jiejie, without all the unnecessary people, she and Wu Yu would never be separated.But that can only be a vacuum world in a dream.Of the two caterpillars under the ground, one just wants to snuggle up in silence, while the other fanatically yearns for another world.Perhaps from the very beginning, it was doomed that one would have no shore to turn back, and the other would have nowhere to run in the dark blue sea; and the pomegranate on the martyr's cemetery and the loquat in the yard are always looking at each other, that's all.

Han Shu didn't expect Ju Nian's tears, he wanted to wipe it with his hand, but he didn't dare, just like he was afraid that Ju Nian would hate him, but also afraid that she wouldn't hate him.

Han Shu's words were extremely bitter, "Is it so difficult for me to have a chance to make up?"

Ju Nian said in tears: "What can you give me? It's been 11 years, and I'm still living well? If you really feel sorry for me, then you should hope that I live a happy life. Why bother to disturb the relationship between me and Tang Ye .Do you think my happiness can only depend on your compensation?"

Han Shu was at a loss for words, he kept telling himself that only by being kind to her could he make up for his mistakes back then, and then he jumped in, but Xie Ju Nian woke up the dreamer.

Can my happiness only depend on your compensation?
A short car horn sounded, Ju Nian and Han Shu heard the sound and looked over, Tang Ye's car was parked far away on the other side of the road.

Ju Nian hurriedly wiped away the remaining tears on his face, "I'm leaving."

Han Shu remembered his godmother's joke before, yes, at what point did Tang Ye lose to him again?At the dinner table, how tacit and intimate they were, why had he never thought that another man could also give Ju Nian a good life?

Ju Nian pulled out the hand that was held by Han Shu, and the horn sounded again. Perhaps Tang Ye sensed Ju Nian's plight, worried, opened the car door and walked out.Han Shu was flustered and flustered. When the only "compensation" he could give had become extremely pale, he didn't know what else he could do.In desperation, he tightened his grip on Ju Nian's hand, tugging in vain.

"Listen to me, listen to me..."

The constant flow of vehicles temporarily blocked Tang Ye from crossing the road.

His sweaty hands made her forget the coldness.

Ju Nian became quiet at this time, and looked at Han Shu fixedly.

"Okay, you say..."

Han Shu opened his mouth, but found himself speechless.What should he say?For a woman like Xie Ju Nian, every possibility he could say was blocked by her at the beginning.

But Han Shu couldn't blame her, she stood there quietly and gave him enough time to express everything.

Say it, Han Shu.

Tang Ye finally trotted through the gap between the cars.

Say, say, what do you want to say?
What are you trying to say?
Another man approached step by step.

It was the first time that the eloquent Han Shu hated his clumsy speech so much.

This time, it was Ju Nian who broke Han Shu one by one and grabbed her fingers.

Her eyes were slightly red, which was the trace of tears she had shed earlier.

When Ju Nian's hand was finally free, she said, "Han Shu, just let yourself go, and let me go too."

Before Tang Ye hesitantly walked up to Ju Nian and Han Shu, Ju Nian turned and walked towards him.

"I'm sorry." Ju Nian realized that his crying eyes had caught Tang Ye's attention, turned his head slightly, and said in a low voice.

Tang Ye smiled, and walked across the road with his hands on her shoulders. Before getting into the car, he glanced back in Han Shu's direction. In the chilly night, Han Shu held his coat with one hand, so proud of himself People are as lonely as street lights.

Ju Nian sat in the passenger seat next to Tang Ye, listening to the sound of him starting the car, was silent for a long time, and said, "I'm sorry, I messed up today's dinner."

Tang Ye focused on the road ahead, and answered after a while: "Why do you think that way, you did nothing wrong."

Ju Nian stared at his fingers, "I am a woman who has been in prison."

Tang Ye turned his face to look at her, and said as plainly as she did, "I am a man who loves men."

After they finished speaking, they were silent for a while, and after a while, Ju Nian gave a dry laugh.Tang Ye was stunned for a moment, but then he also laughed.Under this absurd self-introduction, it was as if they met each other for the first time.

"Are you in a hurry to go back?" Tang Ye asked Ju Nian.

Ju Nian shook his head, Ming lives at school, and won't go home tonight.

"There are a lot of people everywhere tonight, why don't we go to a quieter place."

The car drove them all the way to the outskirts of the city, and there were brisk Christmas songs playing on the radio.The place Tang Ye took Ju Nian to was not beautiful. It was surrounded by construction sites, and his car was parked by a small mud pond.

Tang Ye also seemed a little surprised, "The last time I came here, the water in this pond was still very clear and green, and there were a lot of fish in it."

Ju Nian looked around the pond, and gradually felt familiar, and she understood a little bit.

"This is 'Wanghetang Great Heat vs. Fengmian'?"

Tang Ye laughed, "Talking to you saves me a lot of energy. Yes, I used to come here to fish... Of course, I didn't come alone..." He knew that Ju Nian would understand, so he didn't Explain more, and then continued, "It won't be long before this place will be converted into a hot spring resort."

"Is it here?" Ju Nian was also a little surprised. She is not unfamiliar with this area. There is a river only two kilometers ahead. After crossing that river, there is a small temple. She and Wu Yu used to be in that temple. I begged, no, I stole the lottery.At that time, the neighborhood was still very desolate.Things and people are not enough to describe this change, and the city has also changed its appearance.

Tang Ye nodded, "I personally applied for the approval of this land." He laughed again as he spoke, "I planned to bring you to try night fishing, but I brought all the fishing gear. It seems that there are no fish left. But since we are here, why not take a breath of fresh air and look at the stars."

He rolled down the seat and lay half-lying looking at the sky outside the windshield.Seeing Ju Nian sitting in a daze, he put down the back of the chair for her and motioned her to lie down.

Such a half-lying posture made Ju Nian feel a little uncomfortable at first, she stared at the sky outside the glass intently, and laughed when she saw it, there were no stars there, except for the faintly visible stratus clouds, there was nothing.

Tang Ye was a little embarrassed, and explained: "The last time I came, there were many stars...I'm probably a hopelessly pedantic person."

Ju Nian closed his eyes and said, "No, I saw many, many stars, and the Milky Way."

"Really?" Tang Ye followed her example and closed his eyes tightly.

"Do you know why the plane doesn't hit the stars when it flies in the sky?" Ju Nian asked.

"Ok?"

Without waiting for Tang Ye to answer, Ju Nian went on to say, "Because the stars will 'flicker'."

"Oh... that's it." Tang Ye nodded.

Ju Nian smiled and opened his eyes to look at him, "Please, I'm telling a joke."

"Haha, it's quite interesting." Tang Ye laughed a few times with dignity.

On the contrary, Ju Nian couldn't help laughing at his shockingly cold joke at the end.She thought of Wu Yu, Wu Yu was always slow to make cold jokes about Ju Nian, sometimes he didn't know what the meaning was, and laughed very cooperatively, sometimes after many days, he would be in Ju Nian again "Puchi" smiled in front of him, and said, "I know what your joke means, hahaha."

Tang Ye looked at Ju Nian's eyes softened by memories, although there were still tears.He closed his eyes again, and asked slowly, "Do you think the stars we see when we close our eyes are real?"

Ju Nian said: "It may not exist for others, but if I believe it, it exists."

"Once, I went fishing with him at night. I have never been so crazy in the past. We have a lot of memories that night. But later... Speaking of that night, he said that he remembered the bright moon in the sky, which was very beautiful. But In my impression, it was raining lightly at the time, and I saw the traces of the rain falling into the sea with my own eyes. We argued for a long time about this matter, and no one could convince the other. Finally, he said to me: 'Forget it, Don Karma, as if it was raining that night, but you can’t deny the moon I saw at that time.'”

Tang Ye recounted eloquently that he didn't deliberately emphasize who "he" was, but Ju Nian understood it, and even without looking at it with her eyes, she could feel the melancholy smile on the corner of the man's mouth.

"I think, maybe the moon and the rain are real. It's just that we choose to remember different things. I'm not a detached person. I need the approval of others, and I'm afraid that others will look at me strangely. So, that No matter how much happiness there is in one night, I still can't enjoy it with peace of mind. But he is different, he loves far more bravely than me."

Ju Nian also murmured after he finished speaking: "I know what you mean. Many years ago, I had a... a partner. At that time, I walked a particularly scary road alone, but he couldn't accompany me. He said that he would keep watching me walk in one place, and told me not to be afraid. I was really not afraid. Later, he confessed to me that, in fact, that time, he accidentally took a nap... I said, It doesn't matter, in my heart, he is always looking at me, always watching...I believe, that's enough..."

The two of them lay quietly on the slanted seat of the classic car of some years, closed their eyes tightly like children, and heard the wailing chirping of cold insects in the distance.

"Do you believe it? I see saws in my heart every day. Be with him, don't worry about tomorrow, just the happiness in front of you... Leave him, live a normal life, marry a wife and have children, the fearful happiness is not real happiness, it is opium addiction."

"Is it all right to find a woman?" Ju Nian opened his eyes, but unexpectedly met Tang Ye's gaze.

Tang Ye laughed, "No, find a woman with similar interests, get rid of drug addiction, and live a real life. What I want is not a shield, but a woman who can try another possibility of happiness with me .”

"Then have you found it?"

"Maybe, I don't know."

Ju Nian let out a long breath, her body seemed to be floating on the water, flattened, and sank to the bottom bit by bit.

Some people say that people are fish and life is water, just swim and walk.But those reflections on her water surface are too clear.

She repeated what she had said, "I am a woman who has been in prison."

After a long time, Tang Ye replied by his side: "I am a man who has loved men before."

(End of this chapter)