Self-control: How to take control of your time and life?

Chapter 12 Self-blame and self-imposed obstacles (1)
"I don't want to face it!"

At the beginning of the fifth lesson, we will first come into contact with an important psychological term: Self-Handicapping. Self-esteem, making behaviors or words that are not conducive to success, and pre-setting obstacles to one's own success.

It is mainly manifested in the negative conditions of thinking about problems, and often arouses inner negative emotions due to failure, punishes or criticizes oneself, and conducts self-deprecation and self-denial.Behaviorally, it manifests as timidity to express and show oneself, withdrawn behavior, and putting oneself at a disadvantage through physical discomfort or other means.This not only affects people's mental health, but also affects people's ability to adapt to society.

For example, the exam is coming soon, some students don't hurry up to study hard, but simply drop their homework to have fun, or excuse themselves to avoid studying because they are not feeling well.This is a manifestation of self-imposed barriers.Through this kind of behavior, they design a reason for the upcoming "examination failure": I failed the exam because I didn't study hard, so as to complete the expectation of failure, that is, to set up obstacles to success.

Psychological experiments have also confirmed this point.The researchers divided the subjects into two groups and, by suggesting that the first group of subjects believed that they were very likely to succeed on the test, the second group of subjects believed that they were less likely to succeed.Both groups were then told simultaneously that the experiment was to test the effect of two new drugs on test performance, one thought to boost test performance and the other likely to impair test performance.Then, the experimenter let the subjects freely choose which drug to take.As a result, the second group was more willing than the first group to take drugs that might impair their test performance.

Why such a choice?Because the second group of subjects thought that they were unlikely to succeed, they would rather take drugs that weaken their performance to set up obstacles and prepare a "reasonable excuse" for their possible failure.

Eva, from Texas, has a lot of "points". She failed in the stock business first, and became a poor woman from a young rich woman. Then her husband had a third party and left her; then her mother died; and later she was diagnosed with breast cancer .Look, it's a miserable life. After this series of blows, this woman is not only not broken, but more optimistic.

why?She said to other students in the class: "According to common sense, these blows are fatal, at least they can destroy the spirit, and at worst they can kill your life. However, in the face of these sudden changes, I choose to face the reality, what should come I have to come, I can't hide, people who are not afraid of death, are they afraid of living?!"

Eva is living well now, her illness has been cured, and she started a small business and gradually started a big business.She remarried, and the husband and wife are very loving.After a series of changes, she has become an exceptionally strong woman!

The more situations you don't want to face happen, the more you have to face reality, and the challenge will definitely become a bad result of reality.You must maintain reason in the face of any reality, so that you can eliminate obstacles. This is the scientific and rational attitude.

"I'm stupid!"

Orson from New York said: "I have severe inferiority complex. I always feel that I have too many shortcomings and I can't do anything well. How can I change myself?"

Due to his lack of typical successful experience in life, no objective expectations and evaluations of himself, negative self-suggestion inhibited his self-confidence, coupled with physical or psychological defects, poor living conditions and other reasons—— The combination of these factors leads to the generation of inferiority complex.This kind of psychology is often manifested as depression, pessimism, and withdrawn.Just like someone described to me in the narration: "I am a fool!" If left unchecked, this kind of psychological positioning will become a part of his character, not only infiltrate his life, but also seriously affect his social interaction, inhibit his He normally manifests his abilities.

First, integrate into a positive social circle and let the power of optimism infect yourself.

Consciously choose to associate with people who are outgoing, optimistic, warm, kind, respectful, and caring, to fit into their social circle, to be a part of it.In the process of communication, your attention will be attracted by others, and you will feel their emotions.Their positivity and optimism will infect you, and will help you jump out of dark, low self-esteem and corners without sunshine, so that you will actively jump over obstacles psychologically, and your behavior will become positive.

When interacting with outstanding people, you can also recognize the differences between others and yourself in multiple aspects, and understand how they manage their lives.Through these conscious comparisons, you can correctly understand yourself, adjust your self-evaluation, and improve your self-confidence.

Second, constantly improve your inner self-evaluation.

This requires you to have a comprehensive and correct analysis of yourself, to discover your own strengths, and think about: "What great things have I done in the past? What successful experiences have I had?" On this basis, continue to improve yourself Suggestion and self-motivation: "I will succeed for sure", "What he can do, I can do it too, I am no worse than them!" After a period of adaptation, the inferiority complex will be gradually eliminated.

Third, find ways to increase your experience of success.

Self-confidence does not come out of thin air, it often comes from real successful experience, so you need to take action to increase the feeling of success.For example, you can look for some things within your ability as a pilot, and strive to succeed.If you succeed for the first time and your confidence increases, you will sum up the experience in time, list it as "my experience", and continue to reap the next success.When successful experience accumulates, you will feel that you are excellent, and you will no longer have serious mobility obstacles and self-positioning problems like Orson.

Everyone has a dark past
I used to tell my students about my past, which was a dark history.I said: "In 2002, I experienced the first difficulty in my life: I established my first company in the United States. In less than two weeks, there were only a few hundred dollars on the account. A company with 30 employees The monthly salary of the company exceeds 10 US dollars, but the account only has a few hundred dollars. What kind of concept is this? This means that you can’t sleep every night, and you can’t breathe with a huge rock on your body. Later, it really happened With no salary and no business, I had to file for bankruptcy, and my first venture ended without a problem—no, to be precise, it left a deep wound and was a major failure.”

"So, when I was preparing to start my business for the second time, many people advised me: 'Don't take risks, isn't the lesson from last time not profound?' My parents in China called me overseas and asked me to think clearly; friends They came to the door one after another, and let me think about it calmly. What would you think if it were you at this time?"

The students in the audience were silent.Obviously, they can all be there and feel what I'm feeling in this situation.The pressure must have been very heavy, because the lessons of the past are so vivid.The gloomy past and failed memories will control our minds at this moment and set up obstacles for you in the subconscious.You will involuntarily have a feeling of inferiority and self-blame: "I don't have this ability. The failure last time was all my responsibility, so I won't toss this time!"

"But I didn't, I chose to forget the past. There are good reasons for making this choice, because I made a detailed plan, conducted a rational market analysis, and believed that this venture must have a chance. So in the first In my second venture, I succeeded. This is the power of saying goodbye to the past! It will help you build self-confidence and not interfere with your life today because of the shadow of the past! In recent years, I have experienced Divorce, illness, and a time when I thought I would never get back up, and almost ended my own life by setting the house on fire in one drunken late night. But I still managed to walk through these pains, drive them away, and refresh my mind in a gesture of saying goodbye to the past , Release the pressure in my heart, and resolutely go back on the road."

Don't let the past become your present burden. Only by traveling lightly can we go further.This is my experience, and it must become your life wisdom, a panacea for us to control ourselves and repair ourselves.Because the human mind is like a container, after a long time, there will inevitably be some sediment in it, just pour them out.If it is not emptied, it will block the exit, making the mind more and more heavy.The most important point is to remember to close the door behind you, and you must forget what should be forgotten.Delete the garbage in your mind and refresh yourself every day, so that you can continuously regenerate your life and maintain a healthy mind.

There is a man who loves clay pots. As long as he hears that there are good pots, he will definitely appreciate them no matter how far he travels. If he likes them, he doesn't care how much he spends.Among the teapots he has collected, he likes a faucet pot the most.One day, a long-lost friend came to visit, and he took out this faucet pot to make tea for him.My friend was full of praise for this teapot. When watching and playing with it, he accidentally dropped it on the ground, and the teapot burst.

His friend was terrified, but he knelt down and silently picked up the pieces, then took out another teapot and continued making tea, joking, as if nothing had happened.Afterwards, someone asked him: "Your favorite pot was broken, don't you feel sad and regretful?" He smiled and said: "The fact has already been done, what's the point of being nostalgic for this broken pot? Let's search again, maybe I can find a better clay pot in the near future!"

Many times, we are brooding about what has happened. In fact, we are holding on to our troubles and increasing our inner obstacles. Not only can we not solve the problem, but it will also make our future difficult.Perhaps the day before you came to the training center, you had just had a fight with your boss, who abused your performance, humiliated your ability, and yelled at you in front of many colleagues: "You are an idiot. , not as good as a stray dog ​​on the streets of Detroit!"

That's right, this is really a very bad humiliation, which will definitely leave you with a psychological shadow, and even cause a psychological barrier in severe cases, making you doubt yourself.Thinking about what this person did to you before, and thinking about his usual style, you feel even more angry.

Then, you start to design a revenge plan and imagine what you should do if you meet him one day.Ignore him, or give him some color?You continue to think, what if he also retaliates against you?Can you stay in this company?In short, you have thought very comprehensively and put all your energy into it, even thinking about how to fix him when you become a department manager one day in the future.You think from the past to the future, always with angry emotions.Two days later, he catches you again because you made a big mistake at work because your mind wandered - and you're fired!

For you, what have you gained from this gray past?All you have are painful memories.When you plan revenge angrily, maybe the other party doesn't take it to heart at all, and is enjoying his life happily.

The gray past is our own dark side, and it always haunts us.If you punish yourself and those around you for past mistakes, it is like cutting your own neck in anger because of a fishbone that blocked your throat.

What I want to tell you is that all the harshness of the past is the fear of the future.Subconsciously, people are obsessed with the past because they dare not face the future.In fact, you don't need to be afraid of the future at all, as long as you can unload the burden of the past!Now you should understand: Realizing the ideal self depends on actions in the present, not on questioning the past and fearing that the future is not far away.

retreat instinct
In my research, I found that when a person uses his strong will to do something, his subconscious often has a process of retreating.Deep down in his heart, everyone is eager to discover himself, but when he really has the opportunity to discover himself, he often retreats at the subconscious level, causing the "inner self" to conflict with the "manifest self".

(End of this chapter)