Self-control: How to take control of your time and life?

Chapter 23 Stop Criticizing
"Don't touch it!"

This is a lesson in criticism, and we need to stop two kinds of criticism: both for ourselves and for others.Criticism and slander is a two-pronged act - hurting both the person who did it and the person who was badly hurt.

Effie, a Philadelphia housewife, woke up one morning and decided to try a day without criticizing others and see what happened.Over the past six months, Effie had had enough of her own anger, and she kept warning others: "You don't...!" For example, when someone came to her house and wanted to touch her new collection of antique vases, she Suddenly there was a loud shout: "Stop it, don't touch it!" The guest was so frightened that she almost sat on the ground because her voice was too loud.Effie is also notorious in her own circle.

After starting a new attempt, it took only one day for her to find to her surprise that after deducting those criticisms and comments, her words were much less.

That night, she summed up the results of the cessation of criticism: She called a friend who was in depression to encourage her, prayed for an old colleague she hadn’t seen for a long time, and asked her husband to forgive her for a wrong decision... These thoughts are all natural to appear, because there is no longer a critical thought in the middle to hinder it.

After a happy and fulfilling day, this anticipation became a lifelong good habit for her.Carnegie advises readers in How to Influence Others and Win Friends: Criticism never has a good time.Not only in classes, but in my life, I have never liked criticism because it always triggers an unconscious response in me, which I loathe.When I am criticized, I feel my heart beating faster, and I immediately want to explain or refute to the critic.This went on and on until I realized what criticism really was, or what it really wasn't.Afterwards, when I faced the harshest criticism, I was able to control my emotions and stay calm.

Criticism is a judgment of something I do.In the past, I reacted negatively because I took the judgment as a judgment of who I am.I felt my self-worth being attacked, so I instinctively went into defensive mode to protect it.This is my fault.What is important is that we should avoid all the ways of denying ourselves that criticism includes, including our own criticism and criticism.

Now you realize:
"Only I can determine my self-worth."

"Self-worth is what you value in yourself. I can't fundamentally change it because I've made a mistake, so criticism doesn't reflect a fundamental proposition: 'Who am I?'"

The most important point is that even if someone tries to attack you and try to lower your self-worth by doing so, they just can't.Your self-worth and self-esteem are held only by you.Recognizing this can really change the way you deal with helpful or harmful criticism.

individualism
Research conducted by psychologists at Stanford University shows that Americans are not affected by social responsibility and have poor teamwork skills when facing problems.Asians are influenced by culture and have strong teamwork ability and independence.When it comes to issues involving social responsibility, Americans appear to be relatively selfish, usually presupposing their own interests.This means that in the United States, if you want to encourage people to recycle, it is better to emphasize its benefits to individuals rather than benefits to society.American culture emphasizes independence, and it is this independence that drives individual behavior.People generally don't like teamwork, and their consideration of social issues is mostly lip service.President Obama also mentioned in his re-election speech, "Americans fighting alone are no longer adapted to this era."

Recently, we collaborated with Stanford University to design several experiments to examine the motivation of participants, all of whom are Stanford students.In the experiment, participants were asked to complete word puzzles and physical challenges individually or as a team, and to record how long they lasted.

The results showed that participants who worked hard for the group persisted for a shorter period of time, while those who worked hard for personal gain persisted longer.Asian students were virtually indistinguishable across the tests.This is why the Chinese rarely criticize others openly.

Egocentricity is one of the few unwelcome personality traits.If a person has a strong sense of self-centeredness, he will take everything related to himself as very important.They like to hear themselves talk, and they value their own time—but don't care if anyone else's time is important or not.They value their time, love, and money, and are stingy about extending a helping hand to those less fortunate.

Self-centered people use other people as tools or means to achieve their ends.They only see one point of view—their own point of view.They are all right and everyone else is wrong unless you agree with them.

A self-centered person can be rude, not caring about other people's feelings, only about themselves - their own needs, desires, desires.They divide people with a class conscious mentality.In other words, they will especially value certain people who can help them, and reject those who are not as good as them.

Finally, the egotistical person doesn't listen, not unless someone at a higher level asks.

Obviously, what I am portraying is a worst example, few people can be so bad.The reason why I say this is mainly to remind you, absolutely do not be such an annoying person, do not have such qualities.If so, fix it as soon as possible.

Don't confuse self-esteem with self-centeredness.The two are completely different.In fact, you could say the two are still opposites.A person with self-respect not only loves others, but also loves himself.Because he already has the feeling he needs (positive opinion of himself), he will be unselfishly positive about others at this time.He will be very interested in what others say and what he can learn from it.He was full of kindness in his heart, always looking for ways to help people or show kindness.He is humble, respectful and kind to everyone.

There are many good reasons not to become self-centered.First of all, as I described earlier, a person who is too self-centered has an ugly heart.In addition, self-centered people are also high-stress groups.Self-centered people get mad over little things more than anyone else—everything disturbs and distresses him.Nothing in the world completely satisfies him.

For example, their ability to learn and accept is poor, and they have no sense of teamwork.They neither listen to others, nor are they interested in others, let alone learn anything from others.In addition, the self-centered person will order others loudly, making others feel extremely annoying, and don't want to do anything for him at all.

Apparently, it's also hard for you to cheer up someone who is cocky and arrogant.And, everyone is waiting to see the guy fail: "Look, he's going to fall into the pit, and we'll laugh at him!"

For these good reasons, you should also take a look at yourself right away to see how self-centered you are.If you feel that you are stuck in it, you might as well make a psychological adjustment as soon as possible.When you can do it, everyone benefits—including yourself.

if you ruined everything
If you're managing your colleagues in a department that's serious about fostering an engaged work environment, you're expected to go out of your way to keep employees enthusiastic and passionate about their work.However, you will also make mistakes from time to time-even though you, as a manager, are the authority in the eyes of employees.

Now I'm asking you: "Are you sure you never hurt the feelings of your staff?" It's definitely prudent to lose your temper in a department meeting.As a manager, you want to be as congenial as possible in meetings.You want to reassure your employees that you are here to learn from them and to solve problems together with them.You must get the support of employees and make them agree with the importance of the survey, only in this way will you get the most honest feedback.

Unless you want to see the employee's resignation letter quickly, don't start your meeting like this: "Well, come on, let's get serious. I know it was you...you broke everything!" In fact , what if you messed everything up?Knowing the real killer is always a cruel thing to do, especially when it suddenly turns out that you're the one to blame for the bad vibe.

"Yeah, how would the staff describe me?" Just like student Robert worried.He is the boss of a company, and not long ago, he berated a sales executive in a department meeting and then fired him without explanation.Half an hour later, he saw the truth: the problem was not caused by the supervisor, but by his poor decision-making.

The best way to avoid such consequences is undoubtedly to avoid criticism at the outset, to stop criticizing.For example, being polite and level-headed when you ask employees questions will in itself help you and your employees figure out how they really feel about those issues.Otherwise, the employee may be very emotional before sharing these feelings, and they will start confronting you prematurely.

By the time you end the meeting, you must also come to some agreement on your disagreements, preferably something you can measure.For example, an employee's complaint is: "Boss, you never let us know what's going on." For such an objection, you should calmly accept it and force yourself not to blurt out: "You are an idiot!" It's broken!" Such outrageous counterattacks and evasive words will only ruin things, but they won't solve any troubles.Because it's your responsibility to maintain good communication with your employees and keep them updated on how things are going.

When you communicate calmly, you can design a plan that is as perfect as possible with your subordinates, and connect all employees closely together through a sensible approach.In addition, there are many methods for you to choose, such as holding a regular meeting every Monday morning to communicate (this method can be applied to all your interpersonal relationships, you can regularly hold meetings with your friends to communicate, and eliminate the gap between you. between errors).Perhaps, you should seek the advice of your subordinates first:
“Hey guys, which one do you prefer for reporting? Regular meetings or weekly emails? That’s up to you, I have nothing to say.”

All of this should make employees understand that as a supervisor, your first task is to help them do their jobs better.You should allow yourself to be imperfect and let them know.At the same time you want them to see: "Our boss makes mistakes, but never blames us! He's a good boss!"

Psychology professor Barbara Fredrickson believes that happiness can improve a person's ability to cope with the stress of daily life in a positive way.On the contrary, pessimistic emotions inhibit a person's ability to think and act, and make people only have one simple thought.The thought was so serious that he could only hope to get out of this predicament alive, and the action that accompanied this thought was to flee, or to replace imagined violence with real violence.

Positive emotions are not the case. According to our many years of research, positive emotions will promote a kind of ability from "extension" to "construction". This ability can not only help people to think creatively, but also prompt people to use various resources Deal with tough times instead of being a saboteur of circumstances.

To build positive emotions and joy in your team, you have to be extra cautious about guarding against internal anger.For example, one of your underlings is teasing a pet in the office, and you walk straight to his room.What should happen next?
You must determine what to do in such a situation to avoid adverse consequences.If you're a pessimist, there's only one response: yell at him, call him a bloody squirt, and maybe even strangle his pet.The employees had only one thought: I must run away and never return to this company again!If you are an optimistic person, then you may say: "Wow, I like Teddy, it is a cute dog, I have two at home, how old is your baby now?" Then The employee's subsequent reaction is much happier, and he may tell you: "Boss, the report you want is on your desk." Then you say to him: "I see, now, let's Let's get some coffee and we can talk about that new market thing I told you about before."

Happiness and positive emotions expand your collaboration with your employees, allowing you to make constructive choices intelligently and harmoniously.But criticism and harshness can easily limit his performance, ruin your relationship, and put you in an embarrassing situation.

I classify errors into six levels
People make all kinds of mistakes, for all kinds of objective and subjective reasons, and so will the criticisms.At the same time, there are all kinds of people who make mistakes. When you have to criticize (release anger), you have to distinguish between various mistakes and the purpose and motivation of the person who made the mistake.

McKee is an experienced self-control coach.He is 34 years old, used to be a company manager, and later joined my team.There are six grades of wrongdoing, he says, whether you treat yourself or others.

a well-intentioned mistake;
ill-intentioned mistakes;
Mistakes made without understanding;
a deliberate mistake;
A mistake with a good starting point but a bad result;
Bad mistake from starting point to result.

McKee believes that when dealing with mistakes—including all mistakes made by ourselves and others, we must distinguish between "mistakers" and "mistakes". This is the first principle of judgment and a basic principle , we should not confuse "mistakes" with "mistakers"; we should also be kind to those who make mistakes, not to be kind to mistakes, and especially not to be kind to those who make mistakes just because we are kind to mistakes - and we are no exception.

When you can clearly distinguish these six levels of mistakes, you will be able to rationally control your inner grievances and use the tools of criticism flexibly instead of letting this double-edged sword lose the control of the "master".

blame someone else if you have to
When we complain and blame ourselves, we feel inferior or angry: "How could I do this? What's going on?" At this time, you will blame yourself for not knowing the truth, and complaining about your inability to know everything in the world.At the same time, when we blame and criticize others, we feel angry: "How did this happen? This is how it should happen?"

These are two basic responses.At the end of the critique course, I want to emphasize how to control and manage the timing and intensity of the release of these two emotions.

Joe Ryan, director of Microsoft's department, said: "Gao, I have to express some anger, because this is something that needs to be blamed. Their work has failed too much. If I remain silent, I will be negligent."

"Ah, is it?" I said, "but is there a time limit set in internal rules for professional criticism? For example, the company stipulates that you have to vent your anger on the hapless guy in a few seconds." face?"

"Of course not, but..." Ryan was a little puzzled.

He's had 20 days in the past month of losing his temper with employees -- which he noted in his work log.Among them, there were an average of two cases per day for more than 13 days, and one case per day for the remaining seven days.

I asked him, "What was the longest time between criticisms in these cases? I mean, when you realized that the other party made a mistake and you had to accept the criticism, how long did you take action?"

Ryan thought for a while and replied: "I don't remember, it seems that I didn't stop there, and I criticized immediately, because time is too tight, and my time can't be wasted on meaningless thinking and taking care of employees' face."

Is this a matter of face?Obviously not.I suggested to Ryan to put up with it for a while before throwing a fit next time.Yes, that is "a period of time".It can be minutes, it can be hours, days.This will buy him some space to calm his anger and manage conflict in order to improve his notorious relationships within the department.

During this time, people ponder questions such as: "Does this make sense?" "Why can't I take a peaceful approach?"

"If I have to get angry, should I wait for the anger to subside a little and clear my mind before opening my mouth?" No one has the ability to know everything in the world, and no one can do it.All we know is that what happened has already happened and cannot be changed or reversed.What has happened (mistakes) must have a reason.Even if we are very dissatisfied, the next thing we should do most is to change the direction of the future: to make things perfect in the future by analyzing the reasons.Obviously, this is more positive than criticism.

(End of this chapter)