Self-control: How to take control of your time and life?

Chapter 3 Removing Obstacles to Self-Control (1)
false hope

I have seen many people who often display a kind of Pollyanna, fantasizing that things are going to turn out for the better - when in fact they are irreparably worse than they appear to be. This can be called the "False Hope Synthesis sign".This is the concept that psychologists have summed up for us.

False Hope Syndrome:
"As long as I make a plan, things will get better! It must be like this!" Then I feel short-term happiness and satisfaction, and when I wake up, the plan is still far away, or even if I made a plan yesterday, it will not happen today. will actually execute.

"Although it is bad now, the future is full of hope and the prospects are bright!" Then he excitedly listed a lot of favorable factors that he considered, and regarded these "factors" as forces that could help him, such as connections, opportunities, etc., But after a few days or even just a few hours and minutes, I completely forgot about it.

"This is the last time I made a vow to make a change. And once I realize this change, the situation will be very different from today, and my life will be different!" When such passion is surging, the heart Full of beautiful imagination, I feel very good, but after a while, like smoking a cigarette with satisfaction, I am no longer so interested in the cigarette butt, until the "smoking addiction" comes back, I will imagine it again.In years of research and training, I have found that this is the most classic symptom of a lack of self-control.It is like a huge illusory rock placed in front of people, and it is the first obstacle for people to succeed in self-control.But when will "false hope" appear?

Just look at this question: "When are you most likely to make the decision to change?" Making plans for change is usually when a person is at a low point in his life or encountering a setback, or when he feels frustrated. .For example, at the embarrassing moment when you go shopping and find that you can't fit the largest size of clothes, the girl will vow to lose weight and make herself a slender beauty: "I can't go on like this anymore!" In the one-year physical examination report When there are various failures, I am afraid that everyone will swear to go to the gym to exercise, and encourage themselves loudly: "I want to make my body healthy, believe me, I can do it!" To study hard next year, we must take the top three in the class, or even the top five in the grade. Almost every student with poor grades has had a similar experience, but few people have really done it; With savings in the single digits and bills that need to be paid right away, people also promise to save money and change their financial situation.

"Why?" A student answered me honestly: "Because swearing to change will make me feel hopeful. I like to imagine the changed life, fantasize about the changed self, slimmer, stronger, and healthier. Being rich and being more positive makes me energized and I feel like life has hope!"

Yes, he summed it up correctly, and that's why.Unfortunately, none of this could become a reality.At this point, people's decision to make a change is the quintessential instant gratification, and that's the purpose.Before doing anything, let yourself feel good, to soothe the soul that is seriously dissatisfied with reality, but after feeling a little better, the willpower to be satisfied will disappear, and then you don’t want to change, and you will go back to swearing previous state.

This is how false hope syndrome works, why do I call it "false hope"?It is because it is always just a hope and will never become a reality.People at this time always vow to change, and think it is a manifestation of his willpower.Just like Solis's battle to quit smoking, he said with a smile: "Quitting smoking is very simple. I quit 20 times in the last week alone."

We found a great deal of "false hope" in the lives of our students when doing the Disorders of Self-Control Test.Someone once aspired to read 100 books this year, but now in June they only touch the cover of one book, and they don’t even remember who the author is; Exercise at least 6 times, but he said: "Every night when I keep a journal, I can't wait to slap myself, because I only lasted for two days and then lost interest, and I slept in every day after that."

In short, people use these "never really do it" plans to imagine that they must be healthy, beautiful, happy and successful in the future.Then what?Change is hard!They clearly remembered their reasons at the time: the weather was cold, the air was dirty, reading was tiring, exercising was painful... Excuses are always easier to find than plans.

"False Hope" has another powerful feature: the more grand the better.The goal must be ambitious, only in this way can a stronger sense of satisfaction be produced.So we seldom see people formulate a weight loss plan to lose two catties a month in our lives, and most people's goals are around ten catties.I once saw a student's very exaggerated weight loss plan, which stated that the monthly weight loss goal was 20 catties, and he wished to complete the goal of 50 catties overnight.People who make reading plans rarely say "I want to read 5 pages a day", but tell you: "One book a week, with an average of 1 pages a day, which is the minimum!" Bigger, the better the feeling will be brought to oneself, and the easier it will be for oneself to climb up from the low tide of reality, stand up, and find a state of self-satisfaction—although it is useless to change reality.

illusion of progress

Finger thinks he's done a good job: "I'm improving every day, which is good." In fact, he can't say where he has improved. To be bad.Listen to what your boss and colleagues have to say about him:
"He's unlikable because he just has nothing to do."

"I wanted to fire him a long time ago, but considering that the company needs a fool to highlight the intelligence of other people, he has been kept here doing insignificant work."

It was a shameful assessment, but Finger didn't realize it. His experience was the opposite: he thought he was pretty good and believed things were getting better.

A person with strong self-control will never find such excuses for himself: "I think I have done a good job" "It's almost done, I can hand in the work, so it's good" "Why do it so perfect, no one will I applaud you, so I think the current height is fine, and there is no need to continue to work hard."

When people evaluate their control over things, they overestimate their control over life and are always overly optimistic.When events go the way they think they do, they think it was due to their own efforts, and when things go the other way, they feel it's all someone else's fault because their own efforts cannot be questioned : "I'm improving, but others aren't." This mentality is well documented, and it's been shown time and time again by numerous studies in recent decades.In our courses, there are also a large number of cases that prove that in every small town in the United States, there are countless patients with "delusion of progress".

The illusion of progress:
People tend to overestimate how much control they have over things.

People always think that they control the world without knowing it.

People are always optimistic about their own achievements and their own abilities.

Example [-]:

When shopping for fruit, you pick out a few delicious apples, and after tasting them, you decide they are the best variety of apples, and you think, "Very few people can buy these apples, so it must be because I am very good at picking apples." In fact, the quality of the apples sold at the fruit store that day was very good.In other words, everyone who bought apples at this fruit shop that day praised themselves as much as you did.

Example [-]:
One day, you went to buy a lottery ticket and won a million dollars.what would you thinkMany people think that they picked the lucky number: "It's because I found the lucky number. Others don't have my ability (luck)." But in fact, the lottery numbers are random, and the numbers you choose can't be determined. affect them.Let's just say, it happened to be the number you picked.While the vast majority of people know and accept this, there is still this subconscious thought that maybe it really matters which number you choose, and not everyone has the ability to do so.

When people have this illusion, it sometimes manifests as some incredible ideas, similar to the innocence of childhood.

In an experiment conducted by our Curriculum Research Center, participants watched another man throw a basketball into a hoop and then asked them to answer the question: "What do you think he made?" , when they hope that this person will vote, and they get it, they will feel that part of it is their wish at work. "I think it was my prayers that made the difference." But in fact, people's wishes have no effect on other people's results at all.

The phenomenon of "mastery of traffic lights" also illustrates this point.In New York today, there are still pedestrians who like to press the "manual traffic light button", although their behavior does not work because traffic lights have been controlled by computers since the late 20s (before pedestrians could interfere with traffic lights time), those buttons are still there because it costs a fortune to remove them.

The buttons that no longer work are there, and every day someone goes to push them, and then the green light actually goes on.When we interviewed passers-by, they said, "This will save me time and get through this intersection sooner." The button reinforces people's illusion of control and improves passers-by's increased anxiety while waiting.Because they often feel happy and fulfilled when they feel that some of their actions can have a positive impact (getting the green light to go on early), even though their actions don't affect anything.

The illusion of progress and control is also often reflected in the financial market. Shareholders feel that they can control the market well, and Wall Street traders are proud to think that everything is under control.The result is not the case. A study shows that when traders feel more confident, they actually perform worse. Several stock market crashes in the last 100 years have fully illustrated this point. When the ability of the stock market was swarmed into the market, the stock market suddenly collapsed.

The "illusion of progress" exists in our lives all the time, which makes people unable to learn lessons in a timely manner, and the feedback to life becomes dull, resulting in the inability to make correct judgments and responses.When people feel that they are in control, they are more likely to ignore warning signs from the environment that tell them, "Things are not in your control." He will avoid such messages, such as turning his head. "Invisible" as an ostrich sticking into the sand.

Eric and Matthew met early at Princeton University, where they are alumni and members of the varsity athletic association.Their conditions are similar, and they entered a multinational company in Washington at the same time.The two became not only partners at work, but also competitors.At work, of course, both of them worked equally hard, but it didn't take long for their differences to show.

"I think I've done enough!" This is Matthew's mantra, and he believes that his job task is to do his job (onlymyjob) conscientiously.Matthew always thinks that he has worked hard and done a good job in the company, so there is no need to ask too much of himself.

But Eric said: "I think I can do this job better!" He often said this to himself and his boss.Therefore, even if the task has been completed on time, he will still find a way to make the work better.In the eyes of critical bosses, Eric is not only conscientious about his work, but he also strives to be perfect.The boss commented: "We need employees like Eric." As a result, the life trajectories of the two people gradually changed, and a huge gap was created: after entering the company for one year, both of them got a salary increase and promotion at the same time; Two years later, Eric raised his salary and was promoted; three years later, Eric was promoted to the department head of the company, but Matthew still stayed at the state two years ago. Whenever there is an economic crisis, the latter may Become the company's layoff target.

One of the biggest characteristics of people with delusional progress syndrome is that they are prone to self-satisfaction. Not only are they satisfied with their current state, they are also prone to overestimating their abilities.They are not very clear about their own abilities, and they don't go all out when doing things, they just click to the end, so it is difficult to achieve in-depth development.At the same time, they hope that the lower the requirements of others, the better, so they often find excuses for their imperfections and lack of effort.In the end, those things within their ability have become a difficult thing for them to accomplish.

When you have a high level of control, you must underestimate the importance of what you do, resulting in a substantial "loss of control".This obstacle is unavoidable for everyone.Once you ignore its constraints and lack vigilance against it, it will use the trap of optimism to pull you into the water and make you a "victim" of the delusional progress syndrome.

The more powerful you feel, the greater the illusion of control you will have.Not only individuals, but the entire world today is trapped in the illusion of progress.With the rapid development of the economy, people generally feel that technology is improving, but what is the truth? An article in the Financial Times revealed the truth: From the 20s to the 70s, major advances in IT masked relative stagnation in industries as diverse as energy, transportation, space, materials, agriculture and medicine. IT has promoted the process of globalization, improved management efficiency, and achieved economic growth.But there is no progress in other industries, and people mistakenly think that the progress of human technology is accelerating.

For example, we can buy the latest mobile phone products every day, write realistic animations through 3D software, simulate future scenery, watch super movies, and design computer software with more powerful functions, but when we take the subway built a century ago, we use Looking at the telephone, which was invented two centuries ago; looking at the actual environment around us, it is almost the same as it was in the 20s.In basic areas such as earthquake and hurricane protection, tourism, and many important aspects such as increasing life expectancy and preventing major diseases, human society has basically made no progress.

Just in time
What is hedonism?Why does a "pleasure-obsessed" mentality seriously impede our self-control?This is because all behaviors of people who pursue instant enjoyment are determined by the pleasure and pain produced by people's bodies, and they strive to maximize the gap between pleasure and pain.As Kant (who has a tendency to hedonistic thinking) said: "Man feels that he has many needs and preferences, and these complete satisfactions are the so-called happiness."

Hedonism:

Only saw their own needs and hobbies, ignoring responsibilities and obligations.

Don't think about the future, just pursue the quality of life now.

Abducted by certain habits, knowing that it is a bad behavior that needs to be expelled, but addicted to it, unable to extricate itself.

Phenomenon [-]: Out-of-control incentives for drug addicts
Drug addicts are not just pursuing the pleasure brought by drugs. Most of the reasons for their drug use are to escape from reality and to satisfy the potential "hedonic mentality" in their hearts.This is inseparable from subjective factors such as a person's personality, will, emotion, and psychology.But in essence, their inner curiosity is too strong, and they are too dissatisfied with reality.

1. Curiosity.

This is one of the most common psychological manifestations of drug addicts.Many young people who have not been involved in the world have seen others taking drugs on certain occasions or have been tempted by others. They feel that taking drugs is fresh, exciting and fun.

2. Everything has a motive.

(End of this chapter)