Self-control: How to take control of your time and life?

Chapter 5 Get out of the vicious circle out of control (1)
There is an out-of-control devil living in everyone's heart
In everyone's heart, there is always a devil living!Now for this class, our task is to find it and drive it out.It is not a demon or a vampire who can take human life, nor is it a hideous Satan, but the embodiment of selfishness, hypocrisy, anger, arrogance, anxiety, distrust and insincerity that exist in everyone's heart.The family members whose blood is thicker than water will turn against each other in an instant because of its appearance, and the friends who are brothers and sisters with you will also lose the deep friendship of several years because of its appearance.

Emotional loss is equal to the appearance of the devil, which can destroy all good things.Not long ago, I found a criminal case in the Mainland in the media: a woman suspected that her husband was having an affair, so she was so angry that she strangled her to death with a seat belt.This was the devil's move. When she was controlled by out-of-control emotions, a devil's shadow appeared in her mind.

Here's what she's thinking: "My husband is a monster, and I'm going to kill him!" This shows that when things get out of control, people always feel they are righteous.Everyone else is to blame except yourself. "They are too much, how can they do this?" Some students said that when they lose control, they don't hesitate to think that others have hurt them, and then make various impulsive actions. If there is no strong force to stop themselves, They all want to blow up the earth.

Napoleon Hill once described a small incident he experienced, through which he found himself severely lacking in self-control, and this trivial incident taught him a very painful lesson.Once, he had a misunderstanding with the administrator of the office building, and Hill did not apologize to him out of face.Since then, the two people have hated each other, which slowly evolved into fierce hostility.Later, the administrator knew that sometimes only Hill was working in the entire office building, so he pulled down the switch when he was working overtime at night, making the office dark.This kind of thing happened several times in a row, and Hill was extremely angry.

One day, he was working nervously in the office when the lights went out again.Hill immediately jumped up and ran to the administrator's office.When we got there, the caretaker was whistling leisurely.Hill was very angry, and felt that this person was too crazy, so he immediately cursed.He used all the bad words he could think of.The administrator was not angry at all.

Later, he couldn't think of any curse words, so he had to stop.At this time, the administrator turned around and said to him in a soft tone: "Are you too excited today?" The administrator's words were very soft, but Hill felt like a sharp sword pierced into his body.He stood there, not knowing what to say.

Hill said: "I'm a psychology guy, and I was yelling at an administrator who didn't have much culture. It was really humiliating. I fled back to the office quickly. In the office, I can’t do anything anymore, and the administrator’s smile haunts me. At this time, I realized my mistake. When conflicts occurred in the past, the conflicts became deeper and deeper because I didn’t have the courage to apologize. Today, it was originally a It was a good opportunity to apologize, but I lost my self-control and put myself in an embarrassing situation."

In the end, Hill decided to apologize to the administrator.The administrator saw that he had gone again, and still said in a gentle tone: "What do you want to do this time?" The words were full of challenges.Hill told him he was there to apologize.

The administrator said: "You don't need to apologize to me. What you said today, only God knows, you know me, I will not say it, I know you will not say it, we Let's end it like this!" The administrator's words shocked Hill.Hill stepped forward in shame, held his hand tightly, and sincerely apologized to him. The relationship between the two finally returned to normal, and Hill also realized how serious his loss of control was.

If a person lacks self-control, he may become crazy and become an out-of-control machine.Can you imagine the consequences of a car whose brakes and steering wheel fail at the same time and is still driving at high speed in a downtown area?Not only do cars crash and people die, but innocent people are also injured.Moreover, a person who is out of control, not only cannot make friends, but is very easily defeated by others, and will also be rejected by people, thus becoming a lonely spectator in the life circle.

Meckler, who was born in Texas, was originally a "good guy" and he was a volunteer in Los Angeles. "When I have nothing to do, I go to the hospital to take care of patients, push them outside to bask in the sun, chat with them, or go to the most congested areas to ease traffic. I am also a caring person. I adopted [-] cats and [-] dogs."

People who know him have provided him with proof: "If there is a good man in the United States, it must be Mekler."

However, on July 2011, 7, he showed another face - "I rushed towards the explosion-proof car and kicked the side of the car. I saw a wooden stick on the ground, so I took it I tried to pry open the car door with a wooden stick, but failed, so I hit the left mirror of the car several times in a row until the police pointed a gun at me and ordered me to stop and lie on the ground."

A well-known good man went to the scene of a demonstration on Wall Street and suddenly became a thug. Why?Meckler said: "I regret it now, but I didn't think too much about it at the time, but I felt that this was the right thing to do. Oh, I had to prove something like this, and it was great, so I did it!"

This fully shows that a kind "volunteer" is only a part of Meckler, which shows that he has the most basic positive personality, but it is very fragile, it is a relatively superficial part, not a basic part, and it is blindly obedient and easily Be guided by the environment and atmosphere of the outside world.If the atmosphere around him was positive—the hospital or the people helping him with traffic—he was acting positive; if it was negative—the Occupy Wall Street demonstrations, he was acting like a “beast of destruction.”

What are the basic parts of Meckler? "I saw that other people's emotions were very agitated, and I lost control." He couldn't control his emotions, and he couldn't control his behavior at the same time.The reason why he "blindly obeys" in collective violent actions is that he has no judgment on "other people's emotions are very agitated", and he will not judge.Therefore, people who often lose control, they do not have the most basic ability to judge, and they do not have judgment tools in their minds.Especially for themselves, they lack the power to examine and adjust.

In this movement on Wall Street, Meckler was in a very special environment. So many emotional people gathered together, mixed with slogans that had never been heard before, and everyone’s expressions were also not seen in common (each (a special environment composed of a variety of auditory and visual factors, which made him break away from the world he was used to), under the suggestion of this freshness and strangeness, his psychology and behavior deviated from the usual track and got rid of the original The control of behavior by ideas is completely coerced by the "mainstream" behavior in this special environment.

When violence becomes a kind of collective will, people who lack independent consciousness are basically unlikely to consider personal responsibility. If personal consciousness is completely lost, and the loss of control reaches the extreme, their behavior will show unexpected intensity.

There is a "Meckler" in each of us, but what turns us into a powder keg?Is there a way to prevent and solve it?
Many people are easily excitable, it's almost a daily occurrence.It's easy for people to get angry, rage, and behave in unthinkable ways.At the same time, people will make excuses for themselves: "I have this personality!" "I am naturally narrow-minded, and I can't change it!" And find a lot of excuses for emotional attacks.

In fact, the root of the problem is not all here.Many bad habits that have been accumulated for a long time are more likely to cause people's emotions to be buried in the body like a volcano, and they will suddenly erupt one day.

Avoid "chronic fatigue" You don't always want to be behind others, just like when I was young, I don't want to be named and criticized by my boss at the end of the year summary meeting.Therefore, in order to achieve my career goals, I overwork every day and often work overtime.

At the same time, many competitions and challenges in work and life make you maintain a sense of mental urgency for a long time. The pressure and anxiety are increasing day by day, and the mental fatigue and negative emotions are lingering. After a long time, you will be infected with chronic fatigue.In the state of chronic fatigue, it is easy for people to lose control of their emotions and find it difficult to control their words and deeds.

Don't Lose Your Ability to Transform Emotions
Why does a house have to separate guest and living areas if it wants to get high marks from real estate agents?This is because the difference in living and working environments plays a very important role in our psychological adjustment-you may not realize this, but real estate companies know it well.

The reason why many people have emotional disorders is that they often bring things at work to their families, or bring bad emotions from home to work.In this way, the effect of emotional transformation will not be achieved, leading to emotional disorders.

I once saw a family tragedy in Nevada: a business owner who was struggling with his career came home and raged at his wife. The two argued endlessly, and neither of them wanted to stop, but they didn't realize that their young daughter didn't know something At that time, he opened the fence gate, ran to the terrace, stepped on it and fell down.What if he could maintain his ability to switch emotions?He would not bring this loss home, would not quarrel with his wife, and would naturally avoid the unfortunate tragedy of his daughter falling to her death.

A "low-key" and "silent" character is not a good thing at work, and inevitably it's up to your boss to decide.He is a well-deserved boss who pays you a salary to support your family.Therefore, you listen to your boss's arrangements for everything, and even ask for the company's advice on your wedding leave.How many times have you expressed your personal opinion during these processes?
If your personal privacy and development rights are not respected by your superiors and peers, you will always be in a state of mental depression.Although it usually seems to be peaceful and united, once a fuse incident occurs, some powerful bad emotions will erupt immediately, blowing up the office.

People often say: "Xiao Li is usually very honest and doesn't talk much. Why is he so angry today? He will leave after scolding the boss." This phenomenon is due to this reason.Usually lack of communication and timely expression, always low-key and silent, it will be even worse when the unstoppable volcano erupts.Therefore, you must avoid infecting yourself with such seemingly excellent "bad habits".

Impulsive inertia

Everything has its inertia.In physics, if we want to stop an object in inertial motion, we will use various methods. If one obstacle cannot be stopped, we will use another obstacle to stop it until it stops.We won't complain in the meantime.Because we know that this is the inertia of the object.

People, like objects, need external obstacles to change their original state.Of all the out-of-control states, "impulse" has the most powerful inertia.This kind of emotion is like everything has its own inertia. An impulsive person is not impulsive once in his life, but countless times - as long as he can live, he will be impulsive for as long as he can, and he cannot change at all.When he becomes impulsive, you can only evade and retreat, and it is difficult to persuade him, unless he can realize the problem himself and is willing to improve it in essence.

In psychology, this is also called "impulse control disorder", also known as intention control syndrome, which means that people take certain inappropriate behaviors driven by excessive desires. harm to self and others.But the purpose of the behavior is very simple - they just want to obtain self-psychological satisfaction and relieve mental tension.

A student with intentional control syndrome claimed: "I can't control this, and I can't do anything about it." He knew that his behavior was not good, so he tried his best to control it, but it was difficult to control it.In the course of the behavior, he can experience the pleasure of being relieved, or the behavior itself can bring him great psychological satisfaction.

Phenomenon [-]: Arsonists
They set fires repeatedly, deliberately, or purposefully.Before starting a fire, he will feel stress or emotional excitement; when setting a fire, he will feel happy, satisfied and relaxed, and he will feel the same when he witnesses the fire scene and participates in fire fighting.

They did not take this criminal behavior for money or to express any important opinions, nor to express their anger and revenge, or to improve their personal lives, let alone because of delusions and hallucinations, but because they could not control this kind of crime. The impulse to set fire - because it already has a strong inertia and can bring him great psychological satisfaction.

Phenomenon [-]: "Tragic Hero"

Some people enjoy the impulsive process with a heroic color, and they feel that there is an atmosphere of tragedy in their bodies.For example, when they are impulsive, there are usually long monologues (arguments), movements (slamming doors, kicking stools), chest heaving (shortness of breath), etc.These moods will make them feel a certain kind of drama, subconsciously find the feeling of being a hero, and immerse themselves in the tragic role they have created.

An impulsive person, what is his motivation?Showmanship, narrow-mindedness, overly self-respecting or selfish?
1. Reasons for impulsive values
In 13 cases, I found that more than 76% were due to "egocentrism".When a person sees himself as the center of the universe, the center of human relationships, the center of the circle in which he lives, and everything must revolve around him, he does not find this feeling (people argue and disagree with him) It will definitely be impulsive.The specific manifestation is that it is unreasonable, and even the fish is dead and the net is broken.

2. OCD

People with obsessive-compulsive disorder are not allowed to be called fat, nor are they allowed to think that their teeth are not good.Some girls don't allow people to say that she has double eyelids cut - if you expose this fact, she will immediately turn on you.In the case of the training center, there are still many people who are not allowed to be asked which university he graduated from, nor the nature of his work, otherwise he will explode emotionally and force others to leave with exaggerated behavior.

The most serious thing is that some people will make their own regulations outside the laws of the country, and then force others to abide by them, otherwise they will become impulsive and suddenly become very strange and scary.

3. Selfishness and taking advantage Some impulsive people are because of their inner selfishness, for example, they regard taking advantage of small things as a big deal.If you take advantage of it, you will be full of joy, but if you don't, you will be very angry.

4. Pretending to be justified
Some people think that impulsive people are unreasonable.In fact, they are reasonable, but they only talk about their own set of reasons. You can't understand them at all, and people don't agree with them.In fact, what they think is the truth is not a correct axiom, but a "taken for granted" conclusion drawn from their own logical analysis.

It's a common misconception that people tend to think of impulsiveness as a masculine symbol, but the opposite is true.Impulsive people are vulnerable and vulnerable to changing circumstances.Fundamentally, true willpower is all about the feminine, the ability to accept the truth and stay at peace instead of yelling and losing control.

terrible sense of loss

A sense of loss is an emotional experience that you will experience after something important that originally belonged to you is forcibly taken away by a tangible or invisible force.

When a department head is suddenly dismissed by his superiors and becomes an ordinary employee, or even fired directly, the feeling of being in charge of the wind and rain before suddenly disappears, and he seems to have entered another world, creating a feeling of "do not know what to do" and Experience without direction in life.

When a pair of close lovers suddenly separate due to conflicts, both parties will also suffer from sad emotions for quite a long period of time, do not know how to manage their future life, and become sentimental, depressed and lack of confidence.

These are emotional experiences consisting of a variety of negative emotions, such as sadness, distress, depression, irritability, guilt, anger, guilt, hesitation, pain, self-blame, anxiety, restlessness, depression, sadness, fear, loneliness, jealousy , silence, sadness, etc. The most serious sense of loss is often closely linked with negative behaviors such as despair, suicide, self-mutilation, suicide, etc., which can easily lead to a person's mental breakdown.

Everyone has experienced a sense of loss, and no one's life is always optimistic, happy and full of fulfillment.Among them, some people have been tested, and their psychological quality and mental ability have improved accordingly; some people have been captured by the sense of loss and become slaves to these bad emotions, becoming silent, negative, depraved and even self-destructive.

The basic conditions for the generation of loss: what belongs to oneself is taken away, and it is suddenly lost.

And, for him, this lost thing is crucial.Although it is not a happy thing to lose unimportant or insignificant things, we will not have a sense of loss when things are over.The important thing lost may be tangible, intangible, or both, but they all have one characteristic in common: it is very important.

The process of losing - what is forcibly taken away, is irresistible by personal power.

It is not what people are willing to lose, but is deprived by an invisible force—or in other words, it is lost in a completely unexpected state, beyond one's imagination and expectations, and beyond one's ability to bear .Some students said: "I was supposed to be promoted this time, but I was replaced by that mediocre fat man. I can't accept it at all!" , so the occurrence of this kind of situation belongs to "forced deprivation".

(End of this chapter)