Self-control: How to take control of your time and life?

Chapter 6 Get out of the vicious circle out of control (2)
In addition, if it is "one's own responsibility" or "one's incompetence" and loses something that should belong to oneself, people generally will not feel a sense of loss, but will only have other emotional experiences, such as "depression" and "depression". Regret" and so on, if it is not my own responsibility, as this student subjectively thinks, it is the suitable soil for the feeling of loss.

Almost all of human negativity can be contained within a sense of loss.Of course, I am not saying that every sense of loss contains all the above-mentioned negative emotions-in most cases, it is subdivided, and some may contain more components, while others may have less; Some are stronger, some may be milder; some are mainly manifested by one of them, and some are mainly manifested by several, presenting a state of alternate manifestations, which makes the situation serious and it is difficult for people to get rid of it. these emotional disturbances.

A strong sense of loss will definitely make people indulge in painful feelings, just like a pair of legs stuck in the quagmire, and if they can't pull them out, they will naturally have no way to take new steps forward.At this time, people forget how to change and overcome the life crisis they face.It can cause a lost person to lose focus, confidence and purpose in life.

Practitioner Kafei said: "I'm not interested in anything. Now I just want to sleep and stay at home without moving."

Since the sense of loss is a negative emotional experience, it is far from the scope of reason.Therefore, once a person is swayed by a strong sense of loss, he will struggle in negative pain, will not obey the command of reason, and sink into this negative emotion all day long, it is difficult to reverse the direction and control the body and mind balance.He will also forget his "should do" and "how to do it" until he is overwhelmed by the painful sense of loss.

A sense of loss can also lead to an extreme behavior that pushes people to a dead end.Just like what Kafei experienced, she had dozens of suicidal tendencies within 3 months after she broke up with her.Although it was just a flash of thought and no action was taken, it was already very scary.

Kafei's mother saw her daughter's psychology. In order to prevent this tragedy, she did a lot of work and mobilized her husband and other family members to take action, not daring to leave Kafei for a minute.

Caffey said: "I almost got there, I managed to open the bedroom window on Friday last month while my mother was on the phone - there was a lock there and I smashed it with my tablet. The glass was broken, and then I wanted to get out, and jumped down from the 22nd floor. When my mother heard the sound of glass breaking, she threw away the phone and rushed in. When I was about to go out with half of my body, she hugged me desperately. Father He and my younger brother also rushed over after hearing the news, they felt like they were facing a big enemy."

I'm intrigued by her next reaction: "And then?"

"Then, I got up off the floor, straightened my clothes, shrugged, and said, 'Mom, I'm fine!'" Kafi laughed, surviving her own ordeal in an extreme act. Released the feelings of lovelorn that were suppressed in the heart.That's something to celebrate.Later, she still came to my class because she was not emotionally stable.After examination, she also suffered from mild depression and needed to go through a month-long course.

A strong sense of loss has a "special function", that is, a person has an "inexplicable" power to make people do extreme behaviors that they cannot normally do.Just like Kafei's experience, some people will easily have the idea of ​​"suicide": "What's the point of living like this? It's better to 'walk' with it!" "I lost all face, Who else is there? It’s better to die!” When they have this kind of thought, if they act immediately, it will lead to tragedy.To overcome this tragedy, you must try to control yourself to wait a little longer when these thoughts arise, and wait for a longer time before taking action.

If you can't beat it outright the first time, you can tell your body: "I'm tired, let me take a break and think about this." "I need to eat something, have a cup of coffee, or have a cigarette, and enjoy it." Eat something delicious." "I want to indulge, why not find a friend for a drink first." These commands can relieve physical tension and mental out-of-control, temporarily calm down, stop actions, and win a chance to reverse the situation.

When the sense of loss is at its worst, it will also cause a strong sense of "revenge": "Since you have made me so embarrassed, it is better for us to 'die together'." It became like this, I 'can't spare you', and you will be the same as me." Many criminals take illegal actions out of this kind of thinking, and some people just because of verbal disputes and small things that make them lose face Just go hurt the other person and commit murder.

To deal with the sense of loss, the correct attitude is not to turn a blind eye, and escape is not the way!We must learn to examine ourselves from the "loss", face the truth of the loss, dig out the reasons, first adopt a tolerant attitude to ourselves, find an outlet (tell relatives, friends or find a place to vent) to vent it, To get rid of the sense of loss.If you adopt a high-handed policy against it, the consequences will only get worse.

Hit the brakes before warning

Impulse is a devil that will never be kind. When people lose control, they will always do things that make them regret, and may ruin the bright prospects of life for this.Over the years, I have seen this scene too much.Learning to effectively regulate one's behavior and channel bad emotions is a manifestation of a person's mental maturity.We can warn ourselves through several key links, and get out of the "danger" before it happens, instead of letting these "out of control" happen.

Avoid Dangerous Nodes

There are several time points every day, which are the easiest for us to lose control of our emotions.For example, the time when you just go to work and the time when you are going to get off work in the afternoon may both be periods of bad mental state.At this time, don't casually talk about topics that may cause psychological fluctuations, because the state at this time can easily cause emotional tension.

Quickly get out of the "battlefield" that will make you out of control. If you talk about certain topics with your colleagues or friends, which may cause disputes or tense confrontations, you can avoid collisions by changing the topic or avoiding them appropriately. "Hey, do you want to argue with me?" "No, I want to go to the bathroom." Find an excuse to go away, go to the bathroom and wash your face with cold water, and you will find out how naive it was if you fell into his trap just now move.

After leaving the battlefield, when you look at the same thing again after a while, you may have different experiences and opinions.Once you calm down and look at and think from a distance, you will no longer have the intense emotions at that time.

Set aside your coffee time to calm down

I recommend that you plan ahead when you tackle work, and set aside leisure time for yourself.For example, with a cup of coffee, you can sit down and think about and analyze unpleasant things without any distractions.American companies generally have a "coffee time" for employees between 10:3 am and [-]:[-] pm, allowing them to combine work and rest, adjust their nervousness, and release accumulated bad emotions.

learn to speak out
When you are under a lot of psychological pressure, learn to talk.You can find your good friend, or you can find a professional psychological counselor.If necessary, don't keep your thoughts in your heart, speak out, and vent properly, you will feel very relieved.In addition, everyone should make friends widely, which will help you establish a solid communication platform, which will not only enrich your life, but also play an important role in seeking advice and enlightenment from friends.

Face the new reality, don't run away
The reason why a person has a strong sense of loss is mainly because he does not have the courage to face the new reality, and he cannot let go of the idealized past in his heart.In actual cases, I have found that most lost people recall their past as one of the most beautiful things.But the better he looks at the past, the more his sense of loss deepens.But in fact, only real life is what we need most, and facing the future can solve problems.

You have to understand that although reality is "flawed", it has the opportunity to change the future; although the past was perfect, it cannot determine the present, nor can it determine the future.You have to improve your courage to face the reality and boldly accept the challenges of reality, instead of adopting an evasive attitude.

Think rationally and find new "compensatory goals" Through rational thinking, you can see positive goals clearly, and then find new motivation from them.Even if you have passed this stage, try to find a way to get it back.

Make a plan to make a new partner We can get emotional comfort from new contacts, so that the shadow of loss can be dispelled more quickly.When you don't know what to do, your heart will be empty, and you will feel sad, restless and lost."Closing" yourself is the worst way. Don't accept loneliness, and actively find more friends to build new trust and relationships.

If you find the right friends, they are sure to share your worries, too.You have to look for empathetic people—friends who can provide you with basic care, not out of sympathy but out of encouragement and equal exchange.

Having fulfilling work can drive away feelings of loss, and more importantly, work that is fun and something you can be proud of.Also, it has to be something you can do.Sometimes, the work itself is rewarding, but difficult to accomplish—another tragedy that, instead of alleviating the sense of loss, aggravates the original pain after you experience new failures.

Lower your "principle line"

How to deal with those unrealistic expectations in your world?

(End of this chapter)