Self-control: How to take control of your time and life?

Chapter 7 Get out of the vicious circle out of control (3)
Almost everyone faces this problem.What we have found in our work with family students is that if a couple gets married with the correct anticipation of what awaits them later in life, even if it ends up being different from what they thought, they will still be happy.On the contrary, the marriage is often unhappy.

In other words, you have to give up the pursuit of "all-weather happiness", which is probably only in fairy tales.You have to tell yourself soberly that this charming prince in front of you will definitely turn into a frog in the future.

"So, in the face of this fact, can I accept it?"

If your answer is yes, your future married life has a high probability of being happy; otherwise, fluctuations and setbacks often occur.

The point is that your "henceforth" expectations must accurately reflect your (or your own) abilities, or you'll be in trouble.For example, the problems between you and your partner will get worse, and you will get too much sense of loss in the pursuit of life, and thus stand on the edge of losing control.

"Now I understand that when a partner is stressed, he can be imperfect," Tina said. "Many people, especially new couples, always expect their relationship to be perfect, even in stressful situations. When the reality is not like this, they are disappointed, so there is more stress and dissatisfaction." Dr. James of the course center said: "For some people, this means lowering their original expectations, and for Other people may also raise their expectations, they must find their own principle line, not too low, but not too high." When necessary, lower your expectations of yourself, give yourself a time to learn, is to Your own best support.So you might as well start with something realistic:
1. It’s okay to just find a job and accept a lower salary and position. Excessive demands will make you feel lonely.

2. Allow yourself to make some mistakes, find out the reasons, but don't be too harsh, otherwise you will be unable to move forward and never climb up.These are temporary difficulties for you as long as you can see your goal—it has to be highly reasonable and work toward it.

3. Don't demand others from the commanding heights of morality, and don't hold a mirror and only look at others.Should take a picture of yourself at the same time.You have to understand that no one is blaming you, either because you are flawless (as most people think), or because others are being too lenient (only a few have the courage to admit it openly).

Music therapy
In the past two years, we have focused on introducing and allowing students to experience the excellent therapeutic effect of music on loss of control.Music therapy is an inexpensive, easy, and highly effective method that is time-intensive and can be performed by anyone in their own home or office.Moreover, according to scientific research, the unique melody and rhythm of certain music can lower blood pressure, slow down the speed of basal metabolism and respiration, and make the physiological reaction of people under pressure milder.Based on solid scientific evidence, we promote music therapy in our self-control classes.

In European and American countries, it is not new to combine music with the medical system and widely apply various psychological and physical treatments. In China and other East Asian countries, this is still a new and unfamiliar method.People can also directly produce resonance effects on internal organs through the physical effect of music.Because sound is a kind of vibration, and the human body is also composed of many vibration systems, such as the beating of the heart, the peristalsis of the stomach and intestines, and the fluctuation of brain waves.

When the vibration generated by music resonates with internal organs, the brain will order the human body to secrete a special physiologically active substance to regulate blood flow and nerves, making people energetic and energetic, and improving their mental state.

In terms of improving creativity and thinking, music has active and active functions, and it can guide important alpha brain waves.The unique music rhythm and melody can rest the left brain which is in charge of language, analysis and reasoning; on the contrary, it has a stimulating effect on the right brain which is in charge of emotion, creativity and imagination.Taken together, it has a strong effect on improving potential abilities such as creativity and information absorption.

In the early 19th century, music was used to promote sleep in patients.Numerous experiences have shown that insomnia patients can indeed reduce the use of sleeping pills and sedatives by listening to suitable music.

The U.S. Medical Review Board has already announced that most sleeping pills lose their effectiveness after two weeks of use by the patient.Based on the above reasons, music therapy has been paid more and more attention.

During the course, we will let students know about different kinds of music, and they (music) all have one thing in common: the beat of the music is approximately equal to the human heartbeat rate.

Music that is too fast or too slow is not suitable for promoting sleep; too fast can make people tense, and too slow can make people feel suspenseful.The type of music will also affect the blood circulation in the brain. Some music will increase the blood volume in the brain and make the blood flow smoother; some music will reduce the speed of blood circulation and ease the external stimulation.When you eat in a restaurant, soft music can enhance your appetite and make your digestion smooth, so you can fully enjoy the satisfaction and pleasure of your meal, but dance music with a fast melody or marching music with a strong rhythm will suddenly make you feel tense during your meal, which in turn affects your digestion. The function of the system will finally be reflected in our emotions.

In addition, not any melodious music can achieve the effect of improving the mind. A scientific report by a joint research team shows that if the music we listen to cannot make us feel friendly, the nerves cannot be relaxed and the pressure cannot be relieved. One point that requires extra attention.

Assume a worse experience for yourself
At the end of the second lesson, I recommend students and readers to adopt "downward assumptions" in their own lives (practices)-that is, to assume a result that is worse than the actual result, so as to reduce their negative emotions.

There is a psychological phenomenon in our life: thinking activities are not aimed at the facts that have happened, but another possibility that is opposite to the facts.When a person is late, he thinks "If he left earlier, he would not be late"; after a failed exam, he thinks "If he works harder, he will pass this exam."

This is a kind of counterfactual thinking, that is, a hypothesis that is contrary to the fact.A person who goes out without an umbrella and gets drenched like a hapless drowned chicken will think that if he had an umbrella, he would not get drenched.If rain is a fait accompli, then imagining that you will not get wet with an umbrella is the opposite of the truth.

It operates in the form of "if...then...".For example: "If you didn't buy that dress just now, you can buy this one now." A counterfactual thought has two parts: a false premise ("If you didn't buy that dress just now") and a false conclusion ("Now You can buy this one").According to the direction of occurrence, we can divide counterfactual thinking into two types, one is upward counterfactual thinking, and the other is downward counterfactual thinking.Upward counterfactual thinking is the "upward hypothesis". It is people's imagination about events that have happened in the past, and if certain conditions are met, there may be better results than the real results.For example, "If the game can go to the venue for adaptive training, then today's game will not be lost."

Downward counterfactual thinking, also known as "downward hypothesis".It means that the alternative result is worse than the real result, such as "fortunately, I went to the field for adaptive training before the game, otherwise today's game will definitely lose."

In the Olympics, for example, we often find that those who win bronze medals tend to be happier than those who win silver medals.That's because the bronze medalist uses the downside assumption that if I perform a little worse, I miss the medal; the silver medalist uses the upside assumption that if I perform a little better, I will reach the top. The podium is up.This caused two people to have completely different emotions after the result came out: the bronze medalist was elated, while the silver medalist was downcast.

Student Monte once experienced a car accident, and his friend was seriously injured. He also had multiple fractures, and the situation was worse than his friend. The doctor told him: "If you deviate by 1 centimeter, your ribs will be inserted into the car." Heart, you will die on the spot.” When his family visited the hospital, Monte was in a very good mood. He thanked God for his survival and said to his family, “If I was unlucky, I would have disappeared from the world today. , now it's just a broken bone, nothing serious."

Monte recovered quickly and was discharged from the hospital a month later. The doctor said he just needed to rest at home.Another friend, although his injury was milder than his, stayed in the hospital for 50 days, and the injury was repeated frequently, because his mood was very negative.He sometimes got angry in the ward, sometimes silent, his face was gloomy and depressed.When his family comforted him, he said angrily, "If I hadn't taken Monte's car, I wouldn't have been in a car accident, and I wouldn't be lying here! I'm so unlucky!"

In life, when encountering negative events, people are most likely to have upward assumptions similar to silver medalists, just like this friend of Monte.They often imagine that things could have been done better, but now they have unacceptable results. "I'm really useless!" The mood suddenly fell, and he became negative and pessimistic.

Therefore, to solve this problem, we must learn from Monte and make more downside assumptions. It can be imagined that if things are done a little worse, it will be bad.When faced with very difficult problems, the downward hypothesis can help us channel bad moods, maintain physical and mental balance, and prevent us from losing control of our emotions due to sudden failures.

(End of this chapter)