Pride and Prejudice; Sense and Sensibility

Chapter 38 Elizabeth's Self-Reflection

When Mr. Darcy handed the letter to Elizabeth, Elizabeth guessed that it might be related to the proposal, but she had no idea what would be written in the letter.Seeing such content, it is conceivable how urgent she wanted to finish reading this letter, and how much conflict was filled in her heart.

It is indescribable how she felt when she read the letter.She couldn't help being surprised when she first read that he thought he could be forgiven by others; after reading it, she felt that he justified everything, and there was a sense of shame that he wanted to cover up everywhere.As soon as she read what he had written about what happened that day at Netherfield, she had a great prejudice against everything he said and did.She couldn't wait to read on, and hardly had time to chew carefully. Every time she read a sentence, she was eager to read the next sentence and often ignored the meaning of the previous sentence.His claim that her sister had no affection for Bingley made her at once conclude that he was lying.He said that the marriage had indeed been so horribly flawed that she was too angry to read the letter.He was not in the least bit sorry for what he had done, which of course did not satisfy her.His tone was even more domineering, without the slightest hint of remorse.

She read on, and when she came to his confession about Mr. Wickham, she was somewhat clearer than before.Among them, many things were very similar to Wickham's self-reported life experience. If these were true, it would wipe out her previous good feelings for Wickham, which indeed made her more painful and disturbed.She was very surprised and puzzled, and even a little panicked.

She wanted to think that he had fabricated all this, and she shouted again and again: "He must be lying! It's impossible! This is a ridiculous lie!..."

After reading the whole letter, she could hardly remember what was said in the last page or two, and hastily put it away, protesting that she would never take it as a real thing, and never go to the office again. read that letter.

She walked forward distractedly, with a thousand thoughts, and she didn't know where to think.But, within half a minute, she could not restrain herself again, took the letter out of the envelope, and read the paragraphs about Wickham intently and painfully, forcing herself to savor the meaning of every sentence.The part about Wickham's relationship with Pemberley is almost indistinguishable from what Wickham himself said; It was exactly what was said, though she did not know how kind old Mr. Darcy was to him.Up to here, the situations described by both parties can be verified by each other, but when she read the question of the will, the words of the two people are very different.

What Wickham had said about the Vicar's beneficence, she remembered so well, and when she thought of it, she realized that one of them was always telling a lie, and for a moment cheered her up again. Yes, I think there is nothing wrong with this idea.Then she read and re-read with the utmost care, and could not help hesitating when Wickham got three thousand pounds under the pretense of giving up his vicarage, etc.

She put down the letter, and went over every circumstance impartially, and thought over every sentence, to see if it was true, but it was no use, both sides It's each sticking to their own words.She had to read on.However, the more she read, the more confused she became. She thought that no matter how clever Mr. Darcy's rhetoric and twisted the truth about this matter, he would not be able to alleviate his own meanness and shamelessness in the slightest. Mr. Xi can completely shirk responsibility.

Her horror at Darcy's unhesitating charge of luxury and voluptuousness on Mr. Wickham was beyond her comprehension--and all the more so because she had no evidence to the contrary.Elizabeth had never heard of Mr. Wickham until he joined the militia in the Midlands.As for his joining the militia, it was only because he happened to meet a casual friend in the town who persuaded him to join.As for his past life, she knew nothing at all except what he said.As for his real character, even if she could find out, she didn't want to get to the bottom of it.His manner, voice, and countenance made one feel at a glance that he possessed all the virtues.She tried to think of one or two facts of his good character, some traits of honesty and kindness in him, which would make the slander against which Mr. Darcy accused him unsustainable, or at least enable his goodness to overshadow his accident. fault.What she called his accidental faults was in response to the years of idleness and vices Mr. Darcy accused, but she couldn't think of any such advantages for him.She could see him in front of her in a blink of an eye, handsome and well-spoken, but she could not think of him, except the admiration of the neighbors, the admiration he won among his companions by his sociability. What are the more specific advantages.

After thinking for a while, she resumed reading the letter.But my God!Then came his attempt on Miss Darcy, which can be confirmed only by thinking about her conversation with Colonel Fitzwilliam yesterday morning?The letter concluded by asking her to ask every detail of it to Colonel Fitzwilliam himself, and to find out if it was true.She had heard from Colonel Fitzwilliam himself before that he was very familiar with everything about his cousin Darcy, and she had no reason to doubt Fitzwilliam's personality.At one point, she almost made up her mind to ask him, but it would be awkward to ask about it.Thinking of this, she temporarily let go of this idea.It occurred to her afterwards that if Darcy could not be sure that his cousin's words would agree with his own, he would never have ventured to make such a suggestion.So, she simply dismissed the idea.

She could still remember exactly what had happened that afternoon when she and Mr. Wickham first met at Mr. Philip's.Many of what he said are still vivid in her memory.Then it suddenly occurred to her how presumptuous it was for him to say these things to a stranger, and she wondered why she had been so negligent before.She saw how disrespectful he was in boasting in that way, and how incongruous he was.She remembered his boasting that he himself was not afraid of seeing Mr. Darcy, and that Mr. Darcy would go if he wanted to, and that he would never leave the place.However, he dared not go to the ball at Netherfield the following week.She also remembered that before the Netherfield family moved away, he had never talked about his own history with another person, but after the family moved out, it was talked about everywhere.Although he had told her that he was unwilling to expose the young master's faults in order to respect Darcy's late father, he was so unscrupulous and unhesitating in destroying Mr. Darcy's personality.

Why is there such a disparity in everything about him!Now it seems that his courtship to Miss Jin is entirely out of money, which is really hateful.Miss Jin doesn't have a lot of money, but this doesn't mean that he doesn't have high desires, but it only proves that he becomes greedy when he sees money.His motives for treating her may not be very good, either he misunderstood that she was rich, or he wanted to win her favor to satisfy his own vanity.It was only because she was not careful that she let him see that she had a crush on him.

The more she thought about it, the more she felt that he was useless, and she couldn't help thinking that when Jane asked Mr. Bingley about this matter, Mr. Bingley said that Mr. Darcy had no fault in this matter, so she felt that Darcy was justified. up.In spite of Darcy's haughty and repulsive attitude, she had never seen him behaving badly or unreasonably since they had known each other (especially since they had seen each other often recently, and she was more familiar with his behavior). , I have never seen him have any vices that violate the teachings or corrupt public morals.His relatives and friends respected him and thought highly of him, even Wickham admitted that he was worthy of being a good brother, and she often heard Darcy speak of his sister with affection, which showed that he still had kind feelings. .If Darcy's behavior is really as bad as what Wickham said, then all kinds of wrongdoings of his can hardly be concealed from the eyes and ears of the world.It was incredible that a man of so much mischief should be able to make friends with such a good man as Mr. Bingley.

The more she thought about it, the more ashamed she felt.Whether she thought of Darcy or Wickham, she always felt that she had been too blind, partial, prejudiced and unreasonable in the past.

She couldn't help shouting: "What a despicable thing I did! I have always conceited that I know people! I have always thought I have ability! I have always looked down on my sister's generosity! In order to satisfy my own vanity, I always treat people without margins." Suspicious, and trying to make myself invulnerable. How shameful I am! But I deserve the shame! Even if I were in love, I wouldn't be so damn blind. But my stupidity , not in terms of love, but in terms of vanity. When I first met them, I was very happy when one liked me, and I was angry when the other neglected me, which caused my prejudice and ignorance. I can’t tell right from wrong about the relevant matters. I’ve only now become self-aware.”

She thought of Jane from herself, and from Jane to Bingley, and her thoughts joined together in a straight line, which reminded her at once of Mr. Darcy's very inadequate explanation of the matter, and she returned his letter Read it.The effect of reading it the second time is quite different.If she had to trust him in one thing, how could she not trust him in another?

He said that it had never occurred to him that her sister was interested in Mr. Bingley, and she could not help thinking of Charlotte's old opinion.Nor could she deny that he had described Jane aptly.It seemed to her that, though Jane was ardent in her love, she did not show it outwardly, and that her usual air of self-satisfaction made it impossible to see her sentimentality.

She was all the more ashamed when she read the passage in which he mentioned her family, hurtful as it was, but justified in the accusation.That was a sharp accusation, and she couldn't deny it.He singled out the circumstances at the Inauguration Ball at Netherfield as the first cause of his objection to the marriage—a circumstance which, to be honest, haunted him as much as he himself.

As for his compliments to herself and to her sister, she was not indifferent.She felt very comfortable, but she didn't feel comforted by it, because her family's failure to live up to his criticism could not get compensation from the compliment.She believed that Jane's disappointment was entirely caused by her own flesh and blood, and she thought that the merits of the two sisters must also be damaged by the misconduct of their own flesh and blood.Thinking of this, she felt more depressed than ever before.

She walked along the path for two hours, thinking back and forth, and reconsidering many things to determine whether it was true.This sudden change was so important that she began to face the facts as much as possible.She felt tired now, and thought that she had been out for a long time, so she should go back.She hoped to come into the house with her usual cheerful face, and she decided to control those thoughts so that she would not be awkward in talking to people.

On returning to the house, she was immediately told that both gentlemen of Rosings had called on her during her absence, and that Mr. Darcy, who had come to bid farewell, had only stayed a few minutes; Colonel Fitzwilliam sat with them for a full hour, looking forward to her return, and almost wanted to run out to find her before giving up.Although Elizabeth pretended to be sorry on the surface, she was very happy that she did not see this visitor in her heart.Fitzwilliam was no longer on her mind, only the letter.

(End of this chapter)