i like you for many years

Chapter 7 Humble (1)
Don't believe my feelings for you
just know we're friends forever
I didn't expect you to be afraid of my excessive tenderness
Don't let a beautiful acquaintance become ugly
I will hold back the tears well, what more can you ask for?
—— Joey Yung's "Bleached Heart"

If you know from the very beginning that the person you like, he will never like you, he will not give you any hints in the eyes, will not smile at you ambiguously, in front of you he will have no scruples When it comes to liking another person, do you still have the courage to confess?

You changed a few stations, I continued wandering

It has been more than seven years since the winter when Wen Lan spoke to Gu Chaosheng for the first time.

Seven years ago, Wen Lan was a child like Gu Chaosheng. Gu Chaosheng, who had outstanding grades in school, was doted on by the teacher, but also had too many girls paying attention to him.The little Gu Chaosheng has a pair of quite agile eyes. When he stood up and led the students to read the text together, Wen Lan couldn't help but secretly stare into his eyes.

He is always so liked by everyone. He is the one who guards the discipline in the early self-study, he is the one who leads the Chinese class, and he is always the first to answer questions in the English class.When the teacher mentioned Gu Chaosheng's name, it was as if his eyes were hidden.

As far as the only aspect that he is slightly inferior to, that is, he can't always get full marks on the math test papers.Wen Lan remembered that the math teacher would always tell him to go to the office for a long talk every now and then. In order to find a chance to get close to him, she secretly made up her mind to make her math performance outstanding.

And Wen Lan, who has a good foundation in mathematics, finally climbed to the No.1 position after two major exams.

One day not long after that, Gu Chaosheng came to her.

He leaned over and said to her, let's check the answers for the exam later.

That's why little Wen Lan cheated for the first time.

She carefully wrote the answers in class and threw them to Gu Chaosheng, who was far away from the two groups. He turned to look at her, smiling very brightly and beautifully.In that quiz, her and his scores were naturally the same, full marks.When the math teacher proudly read their names, Wen Lan felt her heart almost jump out.She noticed that Gu Chaosheng also looked at herself, so her heart became warm involuntarily.

Although this kind of acquaintance is simple, it is also destined that there will not be too many intersections in the future.Gu Chaosheng would only come to her when it was time for the math test.

The carefree days at that time always passed quickly, and it was the eve of graduation in a blink of an eye.Wen Lan's hair grows and shortens, shortens and grows again.Always tied into two pigtails by my mother.

Occasionally, on weekends, Gu Chaosheng would go to the art exhibition with his close classmates.

Later, he called Wen Lan's house once.On the other end of the receiver, Gu Chaosheng's voice was extremely polite. He said, Wen Lan, do you want to go together?

Wen Lan agreed without asking any questions.But after arriving at the destination, she realized that besides herself, only Gu Chaosheng and another girl were left with her.

It was also on that day that she realized that the girl who was as proud and outstanding as Gu Chaosheng should be the girl he liked a little bit.At that time, I simply liked it and didn't even dare to hold hands, but I understood the feeling of wanting to be tired of being together.

And the reason why she called Wen Lan to take her with her was because she was afraid that her classmates would encounter a scene where the two of them were alone together.

Along the way, she just kicked pebbles behind them.Squeeze the bus, watch the art exhibition, and watch the two of them talking and laughing.Tacitly chatted about everything she didn't know and didn't understand.

Only rarely did Gu Chaosheng look back to see if she was still following.Then, the girl would come over and knock her on the head, and said with a smile, hurry up and follow.

She will not be unhappy, but walks a few steps quickly with a smile.

And for too many years after that, Wen Lan was like this.In front of Gu Chaosheng, she would never shake her head and say "no".

In front of him, she would only try to smile and try to be the best of herself.

Gu Chaosheng, I wish you would turn around and look at me.

This is a monologue that no one can hear in the little Wen Lan's heart, no one can hear it.

But at that time, Wen Lan could already clearly understand that she was a girl who almost no one cared about in her class, with ordinary eyebrows, an appearance that couldn't be picked out in the crowd, and a decent math score.At that time, she already felt lucky for Gu Chaosheng's occasional favor.

Wen Lan can still clearly remember that at the graduation ceremony of junior high school, all the classmates came, and the girl Gu Chaosheng liked also came, but Gu Chaosheng didn't come.

Many classmates got together to write the classmate records. While Wen Lan was secretly pleased that she had asked him to write a copy for herself, she was also a little worried about why he didn't show up.

On the way home, for the first time, she didn't wait for her usual good friend. As she walked alone, she remembered the part of Gu Chaosheng's memories in the long three years.

It was only later that she discovered that most of his and her paths to school overlapped.So often she would get up a little earlier and wait at that small intersection until she saw him appear, then she shook her schoolbag vigorously and walked out as if she had just passed by.Sometimes, he will be faster and walk in front; sometimes, she will be faster and walk in front.But along the way, she would prick up her ears to hear his footsteps.Or, in fact, there was a girl traveling with him, and she tried to listen to their conversation.

He once shared an umbrella with her on a rainy day, but she shrank back in fear after touching her head for a few seconds.She said to him, my house is very close, I'd better run back.Then he jumped into the rain curtain.She thought, wondering if he laughed at her behind her back.

He once took tutoring lessons with her, and even organized blackboard newspapers with her.Like the girl, he said that her writing was like a caterpillar body.They were once locked in the teaching building because they reported too late together, and he would tell ghost stories loudly. She was afraid of those ghost stories, but she was not afraid of being locked in with him.

They are all intersections that are too small and too small, and it is precisely because the number of times is too small that she can count them one by one.

But on the last day of the three years of junior high school, he didn't show up.When Wen Lan finally walked to the door of the house, tears fell drop by drop.

Even Wen Lan herself never thought that after this farewell, she and Gu Chaosheng would meet again.Moreover, in the next three autumns, winters, springs and summers, she could meet him at any time.

They re-see each other's faces in the same class in high school.

The first thing Gu Chaosheng said to her was, Wen Lan, it's you.

And he wouldn't know how happy Wen Lan was in his heart even though he was calm on the surface when he saw him.

He and she randomly chose two seats far apart from each other and sat down. Wen Lan couldn't help but look down at himself today, with a fat round face, old clothes, and messy hairstyle.She looked at the beautiful girl sitting at the table in front of her, and also saw Gu Chaosheng who was sitting on the other side staring at the girl, and suddenly felt like crying.

At that age, Wen Lan already had a deep inferiority complex.But even so, she also understands that she is not capable of becoming very beautiful.From now on, I can only make up my mind, even if I want to be his little follower, as long as, as long as I have the opportunity to stay by his side.

Gu Chaosheng, who is in high school, is still the most sought after boy by girls in his class. He is the head of the school radio station and the president of the literature club.Do everything you can to love.Because of the relationship between Wen Lan and his former classmates in junior high school, girls often came to ask her about everything about him. In order to prevent others from seeing through her thoughts, she had to tell the whole story.

Including his habits that she has always carefully remembered clearly, he doesn't eat coriander, and how much chili is suitable for the next meal.These were all secretly recorded by her during the few times when she had breakfast with him.

She didn't ask where the girl Gu Chaosheng liked went, because it was rumored that she and they were not in the same middle school.Gu Chaosheng began to occasionally make appointments with her to go to school together, and he would tell her to ask her to wait for him at the bus stop at 6:[-].She would arrive a long time early, and often waited until the agreed time, but he hadn't come yet.She will not get on the bus first just because she is about to be late, and always wait stubbornly until he shows up.Therefore, Wen Lan, who is a Virgo, absolutely does not allow herself to be late and come home late. Every time she was late in high school, it was only because of the boy she liked.

And when he appeared, he would always smile and say, you didn't leave.

Occasionally, just occasionally, he would pretend to say hypocritically, oh, you are late with me again, how kind of you.

At this time, Wen Lan always only smiled lightly, and then followed Gu Chaosheng on the bus, listening to him talking about the things that happened around him.

She was always the best listener for him.

Friends around Gu Chaosheng also asked him with a puzzled expression, why did Wen Lan listen to you so much?

Gu Chaosheng waved his hands in satisfaction and said, she, that's it, she has the best personality.

She was really a little bit sad at that moment.

But she still just smiled and acquiesced to his answer.

Sometimes, Wen Lan was also worried that Gu Chaosheng would see through her intentions, and she was afraid that he would know her liking.It seemed to be to prove to herself and other classmates that she would not like this boy.The reason why she got so close to him was purely a friendship that was cleaner than mineral water.

She will tell Gu Chaosheng that she likes so and so.And so-and-so was their former common classmate.Studying in another high school far away.

Then I specially set aside a diary to write the fragments of memories I had with so-and-so in my memory.She really never admits to herself that she likes Gu Chaosheng.

She wrote so-and-so's name again and again, and sometimes Gu Chaosheng threatened to say, we are such good friends, please show me your diary.

If she couldn't resist, she would hand it over for him to see.

She still remembers her ugly handwriting at that time, just like before, like a bunch of caterpillars.

In the second year of high school, after Gu Chaosheng knew that she liked XX, he firmly said that he would help her design a confession.She refused, but Gu Chaosheng was more determined.As she spoke, she nodded involuntarily.

It was as if she couldn't refuse just looking into his eyes.

Gu Chaosheng asked the boy out in the name of a good friend. From a distance, she saw the boy who skipped class standing outside her classroom, and Gu Chaosheng was blinking at her.She followed him to the boy in a panic, and couldn't even hear what the people around her were saying.Until the boy said, I'm hungry.

She thought that she should like him and care about him, so she said as if she was in a drama, let me buy you something to eat.

The boy said, yes.

As if she had received an amnesty, she flew to the small shop, bought bread and soy milk, and then ran back to give it to the boy.

Gu Chaosheng on the side smiled at her with satisfaction, but her heart became cold, with an indescribable discomfort.

After seeing off the boy, on the way home, Gu Chaosheng asked her playfully if she was happy.

She said even more playfully, um.

Gu Chaosheng also said that Lin Xiyao from the class gave him a gift, but he had never spoken to Lin Xiyao. He asked Wen Lan, who is Lin Xiyao?Is it the girl with the slightly curly hair?
At that time, Wen Lan didn't know Lin Xiyao, but he didn't expect that since Lin Xiyao gave Gu Chaosheng a gift, he would come to talk to Wen Lan often.Wen Lan understood that she liked Gu Chaosheng, and then felt that Gu Chaosheng had a good relationship with her, so she came to approach him.However, she could hardly refuse everything related to Gu Chaosheng.

Every time Lin Xiyao asked about Gu Chaosheng's past, she would sink into memories bit by bit, and then tell her what she knew.

It seems that when she said this, she also carried a little bit of pride, and these memories of pride were something only she knew.I am also proud of the envious eyes of the girl in front of me.

Anyway, Lin Xiyao is not the type of girl that Gu Chaosheng would like.Wen Lan always thinks this way, he obviously likes girls with long hair and gentleness, but Lin Xiyao is just the most common of those gentle girls.

Even compared to her Wen Lan, there is only a little difference.

So, until one day, when Gu Chaosheng walked beside her, talking about Lin Xiyao with a slightly sweet expression as if nothing had happened, when the sentence he said was "Lin Xiyao and I are together", Wen Lan was dumbfounded. I froze for a long time and didn't respond.

Gu Chaosheng only thought she was surprised, but instead talked about the reason for being with Lin Xiyao.

It's nothing more than she straightened her hair, and her clothes are more and more beautiful.But Wen Lan had to admit that Lin Xiyao dressed up really made her look like a very beautiful girl.And looking down at herself again, she suddenly felt a little ashamed.She is not as gentle and petite as Lin Xiyao, and she does not have the courage to completely change herself for one person. She is not as good as her after all.

She didn't dare to assume that if she changed herself into a different look but was politely rejected by Gu Chaosheng, then she would never be able to be such a good friend with him again.

Even thinking about it, she felt her whole heart ache.

Gu Chaosheng said, just give it a try, since she likes me, I want to give her a chance.

Wen Lan nodded casually, and continued walking home with him.

Until the bus was one stop away, Gu Chaosheng suddenly said, Wen Lan, you can go back by yourself today, I have an appointment with Lin Xiyao, let's go first.

Just like that, he left her behind, waved and got out of the car.Go to the other end of the road.

Wen Lan didn't cry.

She walked all the way home in silence, without crying.When I got home and had dinner with my parents, I didn't cry.Later, she hid in the room to do her homework, but she still didn't cry.

Until the theme song of the crappy series at 8 o'clock sounded, and it came from the living room far away, and the sad melody suddenly hit her mind.

She hugged her head, and finally burst into tears.In the days to come, every time she recalled this crying, she felt that there was no light, and she was so hurt that she couldn't help herself.She spent the whole night crying and crying like this.

But no one knows, no one knows her heart.

The Gu Chaosheng in my memory came to an abrupt end at this moment.

This winter many years later, Wen Lan sorted out the cassettes she bought at home. One of them belonged to Joey Yung, which was "A Love Song of One" with a light green cover.

Many songs in this album are included in KTV's on-demand repertoire.But there is only one song, Wen Lan has never seen it every time he searches the playlist for K songs.

It's "Bleached Heart".

She put the cassette into the old Walkman, there were a few hoarse "clicks" at first, then she rewound the tape for a while, and finally chose the one.

Thinking of our past, haven't you noticed those silent lingering

We ate ramen together, we watched performances together, and memories will last forever
far from changing
I don't want love to hold my head down

Don't let the unforgettable past become a wound

I will pursue others
There is the number he was using when they separated two years ago, and Wen Lan has never pressed the 11 digits in full these days.Just because before leaving, he said, no more contact.

But this day, she just secretly found a public phone booth downstairs and dialed it.

She even made up her mind that if she was connected, she would keep silent and let him guess who she was.If he can name her in the first three names, then she will stop being angry and make up with him first.

However, God did not give her this opportunity.

In the empty Gonghua supermarket, only the lonely female voice echoed.

Sorry, the phone number you dialed is empty.

Do you never want to be found by me again?
No, I know it, you never make such a decision just to avoid me.So, is any of your relationship making you sad again?Are you ok?
You said you would remember me, remember?
Wen Lan put down the receiver, turned around, and had to go back.

It's not that he doesn't remember Gu Chaosheng after he was with Lin Xiyao that year.

(End of this chapter)