don't mess with me

Chapter 2 Celestial Doll
There is an allusion to the fact that I am 26, 29 or 7 years old this year. I was born with a small moon and landed on the evening of the 8th of the twelfth lunar month. That is to say, I will be one year old within a few hours. From then on, my miserable first half of life began. , It was okay before the age of three, but after the age of four, the discussion about how old I was started to go out of shape. According to the old people, I was two years old, so when I was four years old, other children just started kindergarten. I can already go to elementary school, plus my grandma and my grandma are two old fools, one will say that I am 26 years old and the other will say that I am 28 years old. I am 29 years old this year. My mother’s official statement is 33. My grandma insists Adding another year to me is [-]. With my grandma, I am already [-] this year...

I think if the two old people can live for another ten or twenty years, I will probably go up bravely and grow up at the age of three. In another ten years, I will be able to call my dad brothers and sisters.

Fortunately, Tianjie Doll didn't go into it too deeply, and said with a stern face (replay of the last episode, it was like this -_-): "Then what do you do?"

I wasn't sure: "Professional copywriter?"

"What's that for?"

"It's just making up stories and selling them to people who read them."

"Oh, talk about storytelling."

"Uh...not at all." I find it difficult to explain to a doll what a writer is. In fact, my major in college is "Chinese Language and Literature", which is a more difficult major to explain. Let's learn ancient Chinese first. Greek tragedies, then epics, medieval religious literature and the Renaissance, and modern times Nietzsche, Gorky, Lu Xun, Chi Li, Jia Pingwa. Defeated by something invisible and intangible!From Oedipus the King to Achilles, from John.From Christopher ("John. Christopher") to the madman Ah Q and Zhuang Zhidie ("Abandoned City"), these people were either molested by fate to a mental breakdown or devoted themselves to death for 20 years. In short, they were all defeated.When I realized that my major was to study how human beings were defeated, I was very depressed and at a loss. What was even more at a loss was what job should I find when I was about to graduate?Among the female classmates, all the pretty ones became Xiaomi, and the ones who weren’t ugly became secretaries. The male classmates all went to sell insurance, and then all the ugly female classmates married the male students who sold insurance. , I am the only literary youth who has a literary heart since childhood, and I really want to have a little ambiguity with literature. I can't be high or low, and gradually I am reduced from a literary youth to an ordinary youth, and finally successfully entered the ranks of 2B youth.

In short, it was Internet literature that saved me and enabled me to find a career that I could use relevant professionalism to engage in, and our protagonist this time does not have to be defeated (who will read the main text), from various introductions You can see it - let's see how he stands at the pinnacle of all living beings, smiling proudly at the universe!Let's see how he rampages in other worlds and subverts the sky!Let's see how he can play with the officialdom, and see how he handles everything!

I have been deeply poisoned by the profession, and I always feel that people should be defeated by something. In order to avoid the suspicion of abusers, this thing can’t be a person anyway, it must be a ghost, so I wrote a book on Zongdian Chinese website called "My Wife is Zhenzi", the pen name is Long Aotian.Now just over 40 words, 100 million clicks to zero, 15 words have already been charged, he is a newcomer to the industry, although the title is awkward, but it is mainly funny, and it has also attracted a group of readers with unique tastes. Support, after all, is a profession.

I cautiously asked the Celestial Doll, "Are you a ghost or a god?"

"I'm not a ghost, and I don't seem to be a god... I'm a spiritual energy between heaven and earth."

"Qi?" It turned out that I received a fart.

"You're the fart!"

I was taken aback and almost forgot that it could read people's hearts. I deliberately asked in my heart, "Can you know what I'm thinking?"

"As long as you have physical contact with me, just like you are holding my hand now."

"What about the pants?"

"It won't work through the pants, so in the future, if you want to talk to me alone but don't want others to hear, you have to reach in and grab me."

"Then can others hear you when you speak?"

"Can't hear."

I sighed and said, "Then tell me, why did you find me?"

"Because you are very balanced."

"Equilibrium? What do you mean?" Immediately in my mind, a beautiful woman with a protruding front and back is doing stretching movements in the morning sun. In the next second, she will quickly come up with a drink to tempt you to buy it. As a man, I am both I don't want to be protruding and backward, and I'm afraid that I won't be able to urinate, so I seldom drink any such products. Who knows how balanced I am.

"I came to the world this time with a mission, which is to absorb the five emotions of 'joy, anger, sorrow, sorrow' in the world, just like you want to eat, I also need these emotions to nourish, and these five emotions are reflected in you It's very balanced, so I chose you."

"Emotional balance...meaning that I am not tepid, Zhongzheng is peaceful?"

The Tianjie doll said disdainfully: "To put it bluntly, you are so ordinary, do I have to point it out?"

Me: "..." Unexpectedly, this guy is quite tongue-in-cheek, I put it on my lap, and I was thinking about other ideas-although I am also half a ghost story writer, but I am a complete atheist Well, it doesn't matter if the Three Views are subverted, anyway, the Three Views are only useful for this, but you have to find a way to get rid of it!

"Don't make any foolish ideas, we have signed a contract, you must be satisfied with my service!"

I was surprised: "Didn't you hear it?"

"You can tell from the wretched way you squinted your eyes and shrunk your neck that you are going to harm someone. If you can succeed in such an attempt, then the treacherous minister is too easy to be."

I said speechlessly, "That's why you chose me—what if I leave you alone?"

The Tianjie Doll smiled but threatened: "You can try it, isn't the system text very popular now? How do they usually punish?"

"So you read online novels?" I said angrily, "Didn't you just say hello? Could it be that you turned me into a woman?"

"Good idea, I'll turn you into a pencil sharpener with an eraser!"

I broke out in a cold sweat: "What do you mean?"
"I want you to be stabbed every day, the thick ones come in and the thin ones go out, and the flat ones come in and the pointed ones go out. The most important thing is that every time you erase the handwriting, you have to sharpen it out again. Do you know what despair is? This is despair."

I collapsed and squatted on the ground with my head in my arms: "What do you want me to do?"

"I just say what you want to do. To put it simply, I need you to stimulate people's five emotions. Joy and joy are all that matters. The remaining three depend on your means and imagination..."

I lit a cigarette tremblingly, my eyes were red and bloodshot and I asked, "Can I not hurt people?" Aren't the remaining three just anger and sadness?As long as you can kill and set fire, it's really not difficult.

"I didn't ask you to harm anyone. You don't want to use your brain as long as you can find it. For example, when I need to be angry and you happen to encounter two people quarreling, then we will reap the benefits."

I said, "If one beats the other up, wouldn't there be even sadness?"

"Hey, you're pretty smart."

I puffed out depressedly and said, "Anyway, it doesn't sound like what a good person does—can you change someone to follow? I know a lot of people who like to do things that hurt others and benefit themselves."

"I don't want bad conduct!"

I hid my head in my crotch feebly, and decided to tear up my blood donation certificate when I got home.

"Don't worry, I won't affect your normal life."

"really?"

"Let me just talk casually, do you think your life will be normal in the future?"

I held up the lighter and said, "I will fight with you!"

The Heavenly Doll smiled and said: "Order what you want. There are many dolls worth one yuan and fifty cents. I just need to possess one of them. Then you will be able to sell it more expensive than me!"

"……What's the meaning?"

"The cheapest pencil sharpener with an eraser is five yuan, right?"

I put away the lighter, forced a smile on my face and said, "I'm just joking with you—how about this? Tell me directly if you have any requests in the future. Isn't it just happiness, anger and sorrow? Do you want idols or powerful people? Whether you want to moan without illness or express feelings, I can give you self-sufficiency, we have a balance!"

The Heavenly Doll said: "No, since you have a contractual relationship with me, your emotions are immune to me. Besides, you are not tired of eating the same thing all the time? I have to absorb more and fresher emotions."

"you……"

"Okay, okay, I don't need anything for the time being, so you can go about your business first."

"I have a fart!" I said dejectedly, "Come home with me first."

Jixiang Community is located in a quiet place in the center of the city. The geographical location is fine, but it can be seen from the thick gray and mottled wall bricks that this is an old residential area. People who lived here more than ten years ago It is true that most of them are well-to-do families, but now the rich would rather live a little bit more than to go to places that are labeled as "home", "garden" and "apartment". The greening is good, the property management is advanced, and everyone is happy. Cars never come and go, that is their ideal habitat. As for Jixiang Community, although there is greenery, it is relatively narrow. There is no garage or official parking space in the community, and the doorman is still the uncle with cans. Everything is the same as now The value of pursuing good taste is incompatible, like a down-and-out kid who used to be decent, no matter how he dresses up, he can't hide the embarrassment of being demented and outdated.

My family has two suites here. The third floor where I live is the largest apartment of 120 square meters, and the second floor has a 2-square-meter apartment, which has been rented out. The reason why my family can have such a splendor is because of my grandfather’s father. That is to say, my great-grandfather had a beautiful courtyard house, which has not been demolished yet, but was confiscated by the government as a key cultural relic protection object. These two houses are used as compensation.

It is said that when the government came to discuss the acquisition, my grandfather was overwhelmed when he heard about the key cultural relics protection objects. He told the government that you will protect you, but it will not delay us to continue living, right?People from the government said that we are going to build a scenic spot in this area, and you will become the object of spectators if you live in it. Unexpectedly, my grandfather is even more jealous. The old man has never had the experience of being spectated in his life. I picked bananas on a pole, but my grandma pulled them off with a shoe.

In short, the general intention has been determined, and the government agreed. Later that year, the bears in the BJ Zoo were splashed with sulfuric acid. I heard that my grandfather was sweating coldly after reading the report. One word: hard to guard against!I changed my mind on the same day. The government said to give two houses, basically according to the standard of demolishing one and returning one. At that time, people did not have a correct understanding of such things as houses. Anyway, as long as there is a unit, it will be divided, and my grandfather agreed.But out of some delicate feelings, he proposed that all the descendants of the Zhen family can still enter and leave the old courtyard at will. At that time, the person who received my grandfather was a deputy district chief. He frowned and wrote a note saying: "No more I will give you a set of courtyard houses, no matter who your family is in the future—if you want to buy a ticket!"

(End of this chapter)