Out of Depression: A Depressed Patient's Successful Self-Help

Chapter 15 Primary treatment of depression (4)
If we can effectively change B (thinking and belief), that is, negative views and ideas about ourselves, others and the world, we can effectively improve our emotions.

Negative thoughts: He will not like me, I will never find someone who likes me
It should be corrected as: There will always be times when people hurt each other. If we quarrel, we will no longer be friends. It only shows that the relationship between us is too fragile. What I need is the kind of "withstanding the storm" boat", rather than such a fragile relationship.Even if we can't be friends, it doesn't mean that I can't find friends. After all, the end of a relationship doesn't mean that I will be alone for the rest of my life. I can start a new friendship.Things may not be as bad as I thought.

The way and angle of thinking about problems seems to be a habit, which is often easily overlooked by us.It's as if when something happens, we naturally have a certain emotional and behavioral response, and we often don't try to discover how we "think".In order to discover the way we see things, we need to prepare a notebook to record the negative thinking we often have. To overcome it, we need to find and understand it.We often notice changes in mood, but rarely ask ourselves: What happened?What makes me feel so down?What does this matter mean to me?
Xiao Li is a college student who is about to graduate. During a short-term training, because she was not very lively and did not attract the attention of some cheerful girls, her mood fluctuated greatly.Later analysis revealed that she cared so much about her performance because she felt that if she was not cheerful, she would not be likable, and would encounter more setbacks in future work, love, and friendship, and would not live a happy life. the life you want.

From this we found that Xiao Li over-magnified the impact of the incident on her, and regarded being lively as a condition for gaining the respect and good relationship of others, and because she couldn't be as cheerful as other girls, she began to deny herself, so Her mood will fall into depression.We can't help but ask: Is it true that getting good interpersonal relationships and being respected and affirmed by others in interpersonal communication only depends on being lively and cheerful?Does it really depend on momentary performance?Is it possible that only lively and cheerful people can have a meaningful life?Besides liveliness, aren't other qualities of being a person important?Can liveliness be the only yardstick and criterion for evaluating a person's success?Among them, we will find that there are too many misunderstandings in thinking and belief.She ignored the importance of a person's inner qualities, such as kindness, sincerity, persistence, gentleness, stability, etc., and also ignored the importance of self-acceptance. After all, everyone needs to accept their imperfect self.

It is precisely because of this misunderstanding in thinking and belief that our emotions fluctuate. Let’s learn more about what misunderstandings our thinking and belief will fall into.

What mistakes our minds make

"should" and "must"

I am valuable only if I am successful; I must be loved by others, otherwise I am an unlovable person; Only when I am affirmed by others can I have self-confidence; Others should treat me fairly; I must be better than others, better than others; I can't fail, I can't have flaws, I can't be imperfect... Sometimes, we get caught up in this idea of ​​"should" and "must" and think "it's what I am".Self, others, and life must meet our certain requirements in order to be meaningful and valuable.When reality does not meet these "should" and "must" requirements, it is easy to be dissatisfied with yourself, others, and even the world.At this time, we seem to be spoiled children, and we can only be happy if we follow our own wishes.

Although Li Jun went to university and successfully found a job after graduation, he lived in the shadow of failure.He feels that he is worthless, and thinks that it is because of depression that he cannot express his abilities, which makes him a mediocre person.But mediocrity means failure to him, and not clearly surpassing others means that he is not worth mentioning.He has always held on to the idea that "I am only valuable if I succeed". Although he has many outstanding things in life, he has been unable to regain his confidence in himself because he is too far away from the "success" he expected , and attributed all the responsibility to depression.

Li Jun didn't reflect on it. In fact, the problem was not depression, but that he couldn't accept himself in reality because he blindly forced himself to achieve the success in his fantasy.

Emotional reasoning

Under the influence of strong emotions, rational judgment will be affected.At this time, we will easily believe the conclusions we draw under certain emotions, while ignoring rational judgments.That is, if I feel so, then it is so.For example, if I feel like a loser, then I am a failure; I feel unlovable, so I don’t really deserve to be loved; I don’t feel like I can sustain a long-term friendship or love, so others will Get away from me; I feel like I'm a phony, so I'm a phony; I feel like I can't make it, so I can't make it... Sometimes, the feeling is so strong that the negative thoughts come back automatically, Let us have no time to calm down and reflect.We then take that feeling and emotional reasoning as a fact, and end up labeling ourselves a loser.But even if you feel like an idiot, you don't really become a "waste" because of this feeling, and you become a worthless person.Remember: Feelings don't represent facts, and they don't represent yourself.

Lily has a stable job and a happy family, but she has high demands on herself and others.When she doesn't show a bright smile; when she doesn't behave freely in interpersonal relationships, she will be angry with herself. Under the influence of this emotion, she can easily make an extreme judgment on herself.For example, because she feels stupid, she feels incompetent, and then she sees herself as an idiot.The same is true for others. When others do not treat her as she expects, when others ignore her to a certain extent, she will also feel angry at others, and then she will think that others are deliberately targeting her and not treating her as a person. A man of worth comes to respect.Under the influence of this feeling, she formed an extreme judgment on herself and others. This extreme and inflexible judgment made her even more angry and unable to see the truth of the facts.

In fact, even if others do not treat you as you expected, it does not mean that they are targeting you; even if others ignore you to a certain extent, it does not mean that others do not respect you, and there may be other possibilities.So when we are depressed, we'd better treat feelings and emotional reasoning as a hypothesis instead of blindly believing it—after all, subjective feelings cannot replace the truth of the facts.We need to use evidence to prove whether this feeling is a fact or a distorted truth.

jump to conclusions

In a state of depression, the power of rational thinking will be weakened, and we tend to draw overall judgments from one aspect or through limited basis.Although this judgment cannot withstand scrutiny, we are prone to be addicted to it and cannot extricate ourselves.If a person is not warm enough to us, in a state of depression, it is easy for us to interpret this situation as that others hate us, or that we are an unlovable person, while ignoring other possibilities, such as maybe his Being in a bad mood, or he is such a person, has nothing to do with me.

When we hastily draw a negative conclusion for ourselves, we'd better not take this conclusion as a fact, although this conclusion seems so "true and credible".We must learn to stop and have a dialogue with ourselves, and question the voice of self-denial: Is there any reason to prove that I am an unpopular person?What proof is there that no one likes me?Of course I'm not superhuman, it's normal for people not to like me, I don't have to be loved and affirmed by everyone, but that doesn't mean no one likes me.

partial
From a "point", a "surface" conclusion can be drawn.This behavior of drawing comprehensive conclusions based on one-sided facts is a kind of comprehensive thinking mode.For example, if you fail once, you think it is a failure of your whole person; if you lose love once, you think you will never find a sincere relationship; if you are betrayed by a friend, you think that no one in this world is worthy of trust; I think that everyone sees themselves in this way... When a person is not sure about himself, it is easy to draw a conclusion that completely negates himself based on some small external clues; when a person thinks that he is not When you are worthy of being loved, it is easy to regard some small neglect and negation of others as a crisis in the relationship, or even the end.

Li Rui is a Ph.D. student studying in the United States. After graduation, he successfully applied for a software development job in an American company.At the beginning, he was still enthusiastically planning to show off his grand plans, but when he was actually working on the project, he was knocked out by a "stick".Because the project he was involved in was a headache for everyone, the ten Mexicans all backed out before, and then several "fighters" of the company were tortured by this project and resigned one after another.Even a colleague with ten years of work experience said that this project was the most difficult "bone" he encountered.Against this background, his original enthusiasm was drained by the project, followed by a deep sense of frustration.Although the colleagues around him comforted him and said: This is a practical reason, not your lack of ability.But he has never been able to forgive himself.Therefore, he decided that he was not capable enough, so he was struggling on the project.This kind of self-denial gradually generalized to all aspects of his life. He even doubted his ability to make friends and live, and then fell into depression.

In Li Rui's body, we will find that he made a complete negation of himself based on only one partial fact, instead of proceeding from the overall situation.After all, the setback in this project is not because he is not capable enough, but more because the project itself is a difficult "bone".But he ignored this point, blindly blaming and denying himself, thus losing confidence in himself as a whole.It is also this kind of comprehensive thinking mode that makes him unable to see his own success, and finally falls into depression.

black and white
Black and white, that is, the extreme thinking of "either or that", only pays attention to the two poles of things, ignoring the middle part.If you are not successful, you are a failure; if you are not affirmed by others, then it is a negative; if you are not strong, you are cowardly; if you are not perfect, you are nothing... Sometimes, we will judge ourselves and others extremely- We either succeed or fail; others either love us or don't love us at all.Under this tendency of thinking, it is difficult for us to be gentle with ourselves and others.In fact, the world is not black and white, and is often in the middle.There is no absolute success in this world, nor is there complete failure.Even if other people love us, it is impossible to think of us all the time, and they cannot fully understand our feelings, but this does not mean that other people don't care about us.After all, life is like this, and it is impossible for us to fully meet the expectations of others, but this does not mean that others are not important in our hearts.Just because we don't act brave all the time doesn't mean we're cowards.After all, brave people also have a cowardly side, and honest people also have dishonesty.If we use an absolute standard to measure ourselves and others, then there will be no one in this world who is successful, worthy of love or loves us.

Life is life, a dynamic process in itself, with peaks and valleys, and a journey full of hardships.

egocentric
Assume that the way you see things is the way others see things, or insist that others should be held to the same values ​​and behaviors as you.For example, if I think I am a failure, others will think so too; if others love me, they must care about me all the time... In fact, this kind of self-centered thinking is just a kind of external transfer.For example, when a person denies himself, he also tends to think that others will look down on him.External displacement is very common in life. For example, when we are in a good mood, we feel that birds are singing and flowers are waving to us; when we are in a bad mood, we feel that the whole sky is gray and the world It also lost its color.In fact, no matter what our emotions are, the bird is still the same bird, and the sky is still the same sky. It’s just that we project our emotions and thoughts to the outside world.This is true for things that cannot think, but when we treat people who can think, of course it is easier for us to project our thoughts on others, as if that is what others think, and then we will be more afraid of others and fear of failure.

Internalization of responsibility
The self-centered thinking mode is also manifested as the internalization of responsibility, that is, to attribute all responsibilities and mistakes to oneself. Even if there is nothing wrong with oneself, it can still reach the point of "picking bones in the egg" and cannot rationally evaluate right and wrong.If love fails, he will blame himself for being unlovable, regardless of the fact that both parties are responsible for the emotional failure; He will blindly blame himself for being bad, but will not see the other party's fault-finding, and so on.It seems that only if life is perfect and he does not make any mistakes, can he be satisfied, otherwise he will always be the object of his criticism and negation.Also because of such a stubborn internalization of responsibility, he is often easy to become a "good old man" or easy to be used or hurt by others.Therefore, only by giving up this internalization of responsibility can we treat ourselves fairly and see the truth clearly.

filter positive reviews
When a person falls into self-centered thinking, he will stubbornly believe that what he thinks is the truth, and any contrary reasons and evidence will be filtered out by him unconsciously.If he thinks he's a failure, he certainly won't believe other people's positive comments about him.He will think: others affirm me, it may be out of politeness, or because they don't understand me, or just a kind of sympathy.

When we are depressed, it is easier for us to discover that we are "not good enough", but turn a blind eye to our "good enough".We only focus on our failures and ignore the successes we have achieved.Similarly, we will be more sensitive to others' negation of ourselves, but forget others' affirmation of us.It is our failure to see the good and the great in ourselves that makes us so skeptical of other people's positive comments.It's like a girl with an eating disorder who thinks she's fat even though she's already skinny, and won't believe she's really skinny enough no matter what others say.The key to getting rid of this tendency of thinking is to let yourself gradually believe that maybe we are not as bad as we imagined, but we are too concerned about our not good enough and failures, filtering out our success and success from others. positive evaluation.

attach a label

From a static point of view, put fixed labels on yourself and others.If I'm not cute, I'm a loser, no one really loves me, and others can't be trusted... Everyone has their own unique growth experience, and different growth experiences will shape our feelings towards ourselves, others and others. Different views and evaluations throughout the world.But life is actually a dynamic process, never static.Even if we were denied by our parents in the past, even if there were failures and dissatisfaction in the past, these only mean the past. The failures in the past do not represent the present, nor can they determine the future.Don't label yourself as an extreme, because it will weaken our courage and strength to move on.

(End of this chapter)