Out of Depression: A Depressed Patient's Successful Self-Help

Chapter 20 In-depth analysis of depression (3)
For a male patient, his parents have been very strict with him since he was a child. If his primary school score is lower than 95, he will be beaten if he is below the 10th grade in junior high school.Every time he goes home, he feels depressed. If he fails in a test, he needs to take a deep breath before entering the house.He was also bullied by others at school, because he was timid and never dared to resist. He dared not tell his father about all this, because if his father found that he could not beat others, he would beat him instead of helping him.Although he has worked very hard, he still has not been recognized by his parents and has not found a sense of self-worth.In this way, he has spent his adolescence in inferiority complex.Later, he went to college, where he accidentally met a friend who could fight. Under the leadership of his friend, he became very "prestige" through fists. According to his words, he "found self-esteem in fists."In this way, he became a "little gangster", and many people were afraid of him, and he enjoyed this feeling very much.But the superficial bravery did not bring him real confidence. Although he dared to fight, he dared not talk about his girlfriend because he was afraid of being rejected.The fist only temporarily allowed him to live in a kind of "confidence" and self-righteous superiority gained through force, but the fist could not really let him get rid of the inferiority complex deep in his heart.It is precisely because of this inner inferiority complex and sense of worthlessness that he behaves so strongly, using strength to escape the fragile self in his heart.Later in life he became very irritable and violent.Although this kind of behavior has brought great harm to his communication and career, but this kind of behavior has become his way of self-protection, making him unable to extricate himself.

Of course, this tendency to revenge may not necessarily be manifested in such an obvious way, sometimes it is just a feeling of strong anger and dissatisfaction in the heart.For example, when someone made him a joke, when someone hurt him even a little bit, when others didn't show enough respect for him, the patient's inner anger would become strong, and this strong anger and The urge to revenge is not at all proportional to the stimulating event itself.It was as if a mosquito had bitten him and he needed a cannon to blast the mosquito down.Even when this anger had affected his relationships, it was difficult for him to realize that it was the damage to his ego, not the reality, that made him so irrational.

From the above analysis, we can know that it is precisely because of the traumatic experience that the patient fabricated an almighty idealized self in his heart, and all his efforts afterwards became fantasies of pursuing or maintaining this idealized self.Then there will be morbid conceit and morbid pursuit, and then it will be even more impossible to face yourself as an ordinary person.When he finds that he has failures, setbacks and unchangeable shortcomings, he will become inferior and self-hateful.Although on the surface he may behave well and live a happy life, deep down he is a painful loner.Because he is trying his best to maintain two worlds: one is the world that others can observe, and the other is the world that is hidden in his heart.His heart is full of various contradictions and conflicts. Simply put, it is the conflict between fantasy and reality. This kind of conflict prevents him from enjoying real life, and also prevents him from enjoying the happiness of ordinary people.A patient said this: "This kind of life is a kind of tragedy. I used to feel that others were living in sorrow, but later I realized that it was me who was really sad!"

"Perfectionism" caused by maintaining a sense of superiority

Sometimes the idealized self comes out of an effort to maintain a sense of superiority.We mentioned above that previous traumatic experiences can easily lead a person to lack inner self-affirmation, and then deal with reality by reaching the "perfection" in fantasy.But things are far from that simple. Sometimes it is not necessarily a good thing for a child to be cared for in every possible way, to be the only one, and to live in praise all day long, or it is also a traumatic experience.It is difficult for children who grow up in this environment to accept the reality that they are ordinary people.He will try his best to maintain his "superiority" throughout his life, constantly seeking the feeling of being superior to others, unable to face the denial and disapproval of others, and unable to face his own failures and shortcomings.Of course, this kind of situation may also come from the "invisible pressure" of parents, for example, you are different and cannot be the same as "ordinary" children.Once the life creed that one can only accept oneself by doing well; one can affirm oneself only by being better than others; one can be happy only by maintaining a sense of superiority all the time is formed, he will try to show a perfect self in front of others.The whole person seems to be a super actor, life is a stage, everyone is an audience, he cannot accept his own flaws and imperfections, when this kind of morbid conceit and sense of superiority cannot continue to be maintained, when the true self is exposed In front of others, when he can't continue to maintain a perfect image, when he can't be a god, and when he can't accept the reality of himself as a person, he is likely to experience depression.At this point, depression is really just that: a struggle with unsatisfied desires.Although depression is only a reflection of his unsatisfied pathological pursuits, he will regard depression as an obstacle to his inability to become a "god".It's as if everything will be fine without depression, and he can become the omnipotent self again.But after all, everyone is ordinary, there is no kind of cultivation that can make people become "gods", and there is no kind of medicine that can make people grow "wings".So it is difficult for such people to get help in drug treatment-because drugs cannot meet their expectations of becoming a "god".Depression cannot be cured without giving up this morbid pursuit.

Li Ling grew up with his grandmother when he was young.Although grandma is very harsh to others, she loves Li Ling very much. As long as it is her need, grandma will definitely meet her needs.She became the little princess of her grandmother's family, and even her little uncle, who was doted on on weekdays, felt left out.Later she left her grandmother and returned to her parents.Her mother is a person who pursues perfection extremely and cares about other people's opinions. Once Li Ling has a shortcoming, she will say: "You are like this, what do others think?" So she can't relax around her mother and is prone to anxiety.Of course, she has always been the object of her mother's showing off in front of people.Because she studies well and is a good student in the eyes of the teachers at school, she always has a sense of superiority.My mother told her since she was a child: "You are from Shanghai, you are different from other children."

(She grew up in a small city, and the older generation is from Shanghai.) In this way, she gradually regarded herself as a different person, and she took others' attention and love for her for granted.So she doesn't really care about others, she only cares about whether she behaves as perfect as she thinks in her heart, and whether she gets everyone's attention and love.In the future, when she could no longer maintain this sense of superiority, could not make everyone like her, and could not become the focus of everyone, she became depressed and lived in tension all day long.Because she can no longer be as outstanding as she imagined, nor can she become the "princess" that everyone is looking forward to.

Superiority is addictive, after all, imaginary perfection is better than cruel reality.Becoming a "princess", attracting the attention of all people, and being the only one respected, is of course a pleasant thing.If a person has received this kind of "preferential treatment" at the beginning of his life, then this feeling of dominion will make a person addicted.When she can't continue to maintain this sense of superiority, she won't give up easily. She still regards herself as a down-and-out "noble" and still considers herself "noble blood", and she doesn't want to admit that she is nothing special and that others are not. Not focusing on your own reality all the time.When she is no longer the "princess" that attracts attention, she will still try to behave like a princess, and she also expects others to treat her with the same respect as a princess.When others didn't treat her as she expected, when she behaved less elegantly and noblely than the princess, she hated herself, others, and the world at the same time.What she didn't realize was that it was all a fantasy of an idealized self.She will still continue to find reasons in herself, as if it is because she is not elegant and noble enough, that's why others don't treat her as she expected and center on her.This desire to be the attention-grabbing princess is so strong that she strives to perform herself perfectly.Although she knows that she is not perfect, as long as others think she is perfect, as long as others center on her, it is enough to revolve around her.When this desire to make those around her self-centered fails, she can both hate and run away from others.After all, by escaping from reality, her fantasy of being perfect like a princess will not be exposed.

In order to achieve this goal, patients may choose some careers that attract people's attention. It is not important what they do, what is important is that they can make themselves different, and being superior is enough.So behind the seemingly glamorous mask, there is actually a fragile and lonely heart hidden.Because he doesn't live freely, because he doesn't do what he really likes to do, because he doesn't really enjoy life itself, but has been enslaved by pathological pursuits.Even if he earns enough money, it is still not enough in his opinion, because money is not used to spend and enjoy life, but to prove his "martial arts", at this time he has become a slave to money, already Became a slave to morbid pursuits!The pursuit of superiority is like a drug, and he would rather live in the fantasy of this idealized self than face reality.But if you don't give up your fantasy, you will never be able to truly live, and you will never be able to find your true self.

Under the effect of this kind of pursuit, a person can easily be dissatisfied with himself, blame himself, hate himself, and even have the impulse to destroy himself.The ideal self has always been maintained by him, and the real self is what he has been trying to get rid of, but when the ideal cannot be achieved and the reality cannot be shaken off, he will fall into the conflict between the two selves, neither can become a millionaire. Even the eye-catching princess couldn't escape this poor ordinary body.

If he is lucky, for a long time in his life, he will be outstanding, different, can continue to maintain his myth, can continue to maintain a sense of superiority compared with others.People around him will also think that he is an enviable outstanding person, an admirable person, a successful person in society or in school.But don't forget that fantasy is fantasy after all. In reality, no one can rule the world forever, no one can maintain a sense of superiority forever, and no one can make others center on him forever. There is always a moment of waking up in dreams.All his "achievements" come from the fear of becoming an ordinary person and the greed of becoming a superman.When he can no longer continue to play an all-powerful superman, he will try every means to escape this reality.He may choose to give up or retreat, not to accept challenges, not to face the crowd; of course, he may use various compulsive methods to force himself to continue working hard.For example, he will force himself to perform well on various occasions, and force himself to perform well in all aspects.Although the reality has told him: this is impossible, people cannot do well in all aspects, perform well, and no one is perfect.But he still won't stop this meaningless effort, because the fantasy is so beautiful that it makes him believe that he is a god, and he is a person who attracts everyone's attention.So he would rather continue this dream than face reality.

It is with this morbid pursuit that we can understand why patients cannot face any of their shortcomings; why they deny themselves because of one failure; Love and recognition; why he is so sensitive to the harm from others; why he hides himself because of a little flaw, fearing that others will find out... because he can't face his true self, he can't accept the reality of himself as an ordinary person.He has been maintaining and shaping the image of a god. He has regarded this fantasy self as his real self, so he cannot tolerate and accept his limitations as a person.In order not to let the idealized self "melt" in the face of reality, the patient will try to do all kinds of things, even if these things do not have much practical significance for him.For example, in order to be able to surpass others in writing, he will keep practicing calligraphy; although he does not love hosting, he is also keen on hosting because it will attract people's attention; He is not a saint, but he would rather sacrifice himself for others, not for the sake of others, but to maintain his image as a "good guy" in others' hearts; He has "quality"; although he is not an actor, he requires himself to be impeccable and watertight in front of others, not because of how important the other party is, but because he does not allow himself to have imperfections... So, even if he has hobbies and Pursuing and having ideals, these are not the needs of the real self, but just a means to maintain the idealized self.So he is extremely prone to anxiety - worrying that he will not achieve the perfection he thinks he "should" achieve.

A college student, in order to maintain the illusion of an idealized self, unintentionally plays himself as a "sage", a figure like a Tang monk.He is full of countless worries and fears in his life. Even if he spits, he can't forgive himself for such a "sinful" behavior, let alone copying someone else's homework when there is a lot of homework in school.His life was full of uncertainty, and he had to ask others to help him find certain answers.In this way, even if he makes a mistake, he doesn't have to take responsibility, and he can still maintain his "purity".For example, when he wastes time surfing the Internet, when he spends a few extra yuan to add a fish to himself during lunch, when he occasionally gets lazy during military training, when he doesn’t give up his seat to others on the bus, You have to call your loved ones over and over again to verify whether your behavior is "justified".As a result, he can only live by relying on his relatives. Only by constantly seeking proof can he avoid the responsibilities he needs to bear, and he can avoid making mistakes, because even if he makes a mistake, it is the fault of his relatives, not his own fault, so that he can continue to maintain A perfect self-image.Of course, this perfectionist standard will also be moved outward. When he uses this saint's moral standard to demand himself, he will also use this moral standard to measure others.When he finds that others have not done it, including of course the counselor, he will be disappointed with others and the world.But the problem is not that he is not good enough, others are not good enough, and the world is not good enough, but that he has always used a saint, a good enough, perfect enough standard as the yardstick for judging himself and others.Inadvertently he presents himself as a saint, a man of absolute purity.Anything that goes against his "going" frightens him, so it's hard for him to be satisfied with himself and others.

(End of this chapter)