Out of Depression: A Depressed Patient's Successful Self-Help

Chapter 21 In-depth analysis of depression (4)
From the above analysis, we know that when a person regards his idealized self as his real self and his imagination as reality, he will not be able to face the fact that he is an ordinary person, and he will not be able to face this imperfect world. It is difficult to look down on "ordinary" others.All his efforts are not for the needs of the real self, but to maintain the pathological ego, to prove that he is different, and to meet the expectations of the idealized self.Therefore, even if he has an enviable job, a happy family, superior economic conditions, a good appearance, and a good education, he will not be really happy.Because he has the pursuit of becoming a superman, he will not focus on what is good enough for him, but only what is not good enough.Therefore, he became a "pessimist".After all, as a mortal, he always has something that is not good enough, but this does not meet his pursuit. His pursuit is "everything is good", so that he can feel valuable.In order to achieve such a wish, he can only succeed but cannot face failure. Of course, he will also show extremely sensitive revenge, or set a saint-like code of conduct for himself.But as a human being, I have to face reality. Even if my idealized self is beautiful, it is still a dream.

manifestation of perfection

Pathological demands: "should" and "must"

The so-called pathological demands mean that when a person is driven by ego drive, he will put forward all kinds of unrealistic demands on himself, others and the world (such as I can't fail, I can't be hurt, others must respect me) , The world must be absolutely safe...).Even if these requirements are beyond the reach of human beings, he will not realize the "non-human" part of this requirement from a practical point of view; even if he realizes that this requirement is impossible to achieve, he still cannot give up.Morbid demands are expressed more in the form of explicit or implicit "should" and "must".For example, I must be successful; I should be slim; I must be cheerful; I should be different; I should not have shortcomings; I should not be worse than others; others should like me; I should control everything and take everything into my own hands... in Under the belief that "only with it can I have me", the patient has made great efforts, and will fall into depression when he fails to achieve it.At this time, depression was supposed to prevent him from wasting a lot of time and energy in vain to do those "shoulds" that he couldn't achieve, but depression became a new "should"-I shouldn't be depressed, I can't tolerate depression .In this way, he sank deeper and deeper step by step.

Under this "should", patients force themselves to do many things that suit their "taste".When he can't reach it, he will be disappointed with himself and worry about the future.When this "should" is magnified and overrides everything else, he loses sight of other aspects of his life.Everything becomes unimportant, only the goal of "should".As a result, he lost the joy of life. Only when life meets his "should" can life be meaningful and he can accept himself.This "should" is manifested in almost every aspect of life. Under the fear of failing to meet his "should", he may become a "successful person", but success cannot bring him inner peace. I will still be worried about what I have not achieved, and even complain and feel that I am a failure because of a little unsatisfactory.

A female patient has severe difficulties in interpersonal communication.When she is with others, she doesn't pay attention to those who like her, but only to those who don't.She evaluates herself as if she's storming a bunker, with all her attention focused on those who aren't paying attention to her.Sometimes, when other people are having fun, it triggers her anxiety, so she tries to be the center of the conversation, but the more she does, the more she comes across as weird.Compared with familiar people, she feels more comfortable with strangers, because with strangers, she can "act" perfectly again.In fact, behind this "abnormality" lies a pathological requirement: everyone must like me, pay attention to me, and I must be the center of everyone.When this "should" cannot be achieved, she begins to doubt her own personal value.

Under the current social values, many people will refute my point of view and put forward the following arguments: Since the competition in this society is so fierce, shouldn't I pursue good eloquence and connections?Am I wrong in pursuing success and excellence?Isn't it the same for others?I have to get the person I like, doesn't that mean I love deeply?I have to fight for No.1, fight for a better position, is it wrong?Shouldn't you make others like you more?Shouldn't you make yourself more perfect?Is it necessary to accept the real and inferior self, why not pursue a more perfect self?Just like those excellent people around you... The answer is: "Yes" and "No".I say "yes" because this kind of pursuit of beautiful things is indeed the mainstream value of our society, and it is also the basic responsibility of being a human being.I say "wrong" because this pathological pursuit is fundamentally different from the normal pursuit of a better life. The former is due to "fear", while the latter is "spontaneous".Fear leads to "musts," and pathological "musts," not just at one point but across the board, and almost anything can come into focus.For example, he is not a singer, he cannot accept when someone sings better than him; he is not a calligrapher, but when his handwriting is not as good as he expected, he has to practice desperately; Workers are even angry at themselves because they don’t know how to decorate their own houses...Normal needs are manifested as the pursuit of things they like, and this kind of love is a kind of real self-needs, and pathological ones Expressed as a stubborn pursuit of results.The content of the matter is not important, only the result is important.He couldn't stand when results didn't meet his expectations, when someone surpassed him.Therefore, he must "win", and only this outcome can satisfy his ego's needs.When the result is not satisfactory to him, even if it is a casual game of poker, he will not give up until he wins.Anything that doesn't match the "taste" of the idealized self triggers his "shoulds."For example, in terms of eloquence, appearance, figure, ability, communication, performance, etc., when these "shoulds" are not met, he will not pay attention to the achievements and achievements he has already achieved, but will only stare at these "not good enough". Let go, and will feel inferior and self-hate because of this "not good enough".

There was a male patient who learned something about sex from his classmates when he was in junior high school. One day later, he suddenly had an association with his mother about sex. Unexpectedly, this was the beginning of his nightmare, and he has been burdened with it ever since. I felt a heavy sense of guilt, and I no longer had the heart to study, and I was sluggish all day long.After entering high school, he developed an inferiority complex because of his short stature, and felt even more ugly because of his masturbation.Later, he talked about his girlfriend, and once called his girlfriend, he made a joke about snatching her into his house to be his wife, and then he had a picture of her being raped in his mind.In the end, it all got out of hand, and he worried that he would have homosexual thoughts when he saw men.In fact, his behavior in reality is very discreet. Nothing happened to him for five years with his girlfriend. It’s not that he doesn’t want to, but that he thinks premarital sex is immoral, not to mention that he has homosexual tendencies.Why do people who are so disciplined worry so much about their own thoughts?Later, after analysis, it was found that his worries came from his own pathological requirements—he had always demanded that he must be "flawless", so he was unable to face and accept "bad" thoughts, and he was always stuck in his own mind. in the trap set.Another female patient often suffers from periodic emotional breakdowns, and even has suicidal thoughts when her emotions are at a low point.He does not experience happiness in life, but is often in anxiety and depression.When we try to find the reasons for her unhappiness, she can often list many reasons, such as not going to a good school, not finding a good man, not having a mature appearance, not being as capable as some people around her... When I Point out that ordinary people also have shortcomings, and she also has advantages that many people do not have (such as the university she attended is not Tsinghua University, but it is also one of the best universities in China; although she is immature, she is sweet and lovely; When she is not very good at some subjects but is smart), she always said: These advantages are not important, what is important is my shortcomings.When I continued to ask her: Ordinary people can accept their own shortcomings and shortcomings, why can't you accept them?At this time, she replied: I just can't, I can't live the same life as ordinary people, and I can't accept that I am like ordinary people. I have to be successful to accept myself, and I have to be different to be sure of myself.At this time, we finally found the reason for her unhappiness—not that she had little, but that she wanted too much.It is precisely because of the morbid request that has always existed in her heart-I want to surpass everyone, be better than everyone, and not be able to live an ordinary life like ordinary people, which makes her unable to calm down.

This "should" is also manifested in the fear of things beyond one's control.After all, people can't control life and death, people can't control diseases, people can't control their emotions absolutely, after all, some things are beyond people's control... When people around us leave us, it will naturally make us fear of death, But after the period of grief, it will gradually calm down, because we know that "life and death are fate, wealth and honor are in the sky".But for a person driven by the ego drive, death is something he does not want to face, and he must never face it-others can die, but I must never.I can't die so young, I can accept dying at 80, but not now.When he finds that death is out of his control, he becomes unusually afraid of death. This fear and anxiety will gradually generalize to all aspects of life: he may be afraid of heights, afraid of being out of control Doing "stupid things" by himself, fear of the dark, fear of anything that affects health, fear of a panic attack (an acute anxiety attack with a feeling of near-death, but not life-threatening), fear of anything beyond his control.In the end he would rather hide at home, perhaps only home is the safest.Even he himself will realize that this fear has seriously limited his life, but he just can't "overstep the threshold".Sometimes, this kind of fear is not only manifested in the form of fear of death, he may also be afraid of going crazy, afraid of breaking the law, afraid of being gay, afraid of killing someone... the more he is afraid of small probability events, the more it shows How strong is a person's pathological requirements; the more he requires everything to be under his control, the more he is afraid of the "one in ten thousand" possibility.Sometimes he would find ways to make himself less anxious and fearful. For example, a patient who believed in God warned himself when he was afraid that he would go crazy: I will not go crazy, because the people created by God will not be defective , so I'm not that vulnerable, I'm a child of God, don't be afraid.This method worked in the short term, but after a few days, his rational words were overwhelmed by the drive of ego.His solution is bound to fail because he's still trying to regain control, still using God as his protector instead of letting himself face the reality that everyone dies and can go crazy, even the psychiatrist No exception.Some people do psychotherapy because they hope to get the guarantee from the psychiatrist that they will have no disease, instead of letting the psychiatrist help them face this cruel reality. In the end, they will realize that the psychiatrist is just a muddled bodhisattva crossing the river.

The collection of "shoulds" is like a personal "law".Everyone behaves differently, some pride themselves on being the best, some pride themselves on being the holiest, some pride themselves on being the friendliest, some pride themselves on being the most generous, the most talkative, the most perfect self-deception .A female patient is afraid of meeting people she doesn't like. The reason for her fear is that she is afraid that others will find out that she doesn't like him.Because it's not in line with her inner "law", she keeps trying to present herself as the "friendly" person.A male patient clearly knew that the money he lent out would never be returned, and his wife often quarreled with him because of this, but he still enjoyed it and did not allow his wife to speak out even if he suffered a disadvantage.He would rather live in his own lies than face the reality, because he has been playing a "generous" person, and everything that is not in line with his inner "law" will be unconsciously ignored by him.A good student never studies hard in front of his classmates, because it does not meet his inner requirements - a "smart" student like him should not be able to learn well by working hard.Under the influence of this kind of individualized and unique "law", some people will behave extremely "kind", some will behave extremely sensitive and preoccupied, some will behave extremely humble, some will behave "hot-tempered", and some will spend a few One hundred yuan for psychological treatment, but still worried that when eating noodles, the boss will give him [-] cents less, because his inner "law" does not allow others to take advantage of him.Only by satisfying the internal "legal" system composed of these "shoulds" can he find a sense of superiority over others, and he can maintain his idealized self-image and the "arrogance" in his bones.Therefore, his "abiding by the law" can really be described as "great wisdom and foolishness".

In fact, there will always be conflicts between a person's inner "laws".After all, one cannot be "kind" without suffering losses; one cannot want to maintain "dignity" without hurting anyone; kind of contradiction.A male patient wants to earn a lot of money, but also worries that the money he earns will not be clean. Before he starts working, his anxiety has spread.Sometimes, a person's needs for himself and his "should" of "selflessness" are a kind of contradiction, and he will feel uneasy when he cannot meet these two needs at the same time.A patient is often anxious about some small things in life. When the leader asks him to do a little more work, he will be anxious for a long time: on the one hand, he is afraid that he will be bullied; The image in the minds of others will be damaged.It is difficult for him to satisfy the two pathological requirements of not suffering a loss and not offending others at the same time.Sometimes, some people who are not related to him ask him for help, which also makes him anxious.Because of "not helping", he will think that he is a selfish person, and "helping" is worried that he will become a fool who will be used by others.The simple question of whether to help others has become a difficult problem for him, and he will compulsively think about it for a long time, and finally fall into anxiety that he cannot extricate himself from.If we are careful, we will find that the meaning of anxiety is: fear of making mistakes, doing wrong things, saying wrong words, and being unable to forgive ourselves when we make mistakes.If you can't forgive yourself for making a little "mistake", then the "subtext" is that you can't make mistakes, say wrong words, do wrong things, be bullied, or offend others... Who can do such things as "can't" "Woolen cloth?I believe that no ordinary person can do it.It is precisely because of his morbid conceit that he no longer uses the standards of ordinary people, but uses the standards of saints to demand himself, so he cares so much about the little things in life, and he is anxious because of such small things.

(End of this chapter)