Out of Depression: A Depressed Patient's Successful Self-Help

Chapter 25 In-depth analysis of depression (8)
The pathologically conceited have been defending the city, preventing reality from rushing into the "conceited castle", while the pathologically inferior are constantly attacking the city, breaking into the perfect castle in their fantasy, as if as long as they get the ticket to that castle, all pain will come. It will no longer exist, all your own defects will disappear, life will become peaceful and beautiful, and you will have the "confidence" you dream of.The pathological low self-esteem suffers in reality because he didn't get the ticket to the perfect castle, so he will experience more inferiority than self-esteem, and his self-esteem is only expressed in: "When I... , I will be different." It seems that when he becomes another, that is, when he enters this "perfect castle", his inferiority complex will be swept away, and there will be no setbacks and failures in life, so he He looks down on himself and those who are not perfect like him, because his arrogance is hidden deep in his inferiority complex.

If there are specific suggestions, then I would say to those with pathological conceit: "Give up defending the city, give up all efforts to maintain the pathological conceit." For those with pathological inferiority, my suggestion is: "Give up siege." The Utopia you'd expect doesn't exist; after all, life is painful and we're all imperfect.If you insist on turning yourself into the ideal, becoming the ideal self, you can only get farther and farther away from the real self, and you can only hate yourself more—hate this reality that cannot be shaken off and the self that cannot be changed.One day you will be overwhelmed by the vortex of inferiority complex and self-hatred. After all, this war has surpassed reality and human limitations, so it is doomed to fail.There are two reasons why it is difficult for people with pathological low self-esteem to stop their inner struggle: one is that it is difficult to give up the pursuit of the idealized self; the other is that they cannot accept the real self.The key to the solution is that, first of all, we should realize how irrational our "pursuit" is.

A male patient, he always expects himself to show masculinity forever, and he cannot accept any weak performance. Just a mouse pretending to be an elephant.We know that men can also be flexible, how can a person always show manliness, how can he never be hurt by others?This pursuit itself transcends reality.But he will cite many examples from people around him to prove that his requirements are not excessive.But when asked: Is someone living up to all your expectations?At this time, he was lost in thought.

In fact, he is not comparing himself with a real person in his life, but is completely comparing himself with his imagined self, and he will find many reasons to prove the correctness of his comparison.For example, how can you have friends if you are not cheerful?How can you gain the respect of others without being manly?How can you succeed without being smart?How can you have a good job and life without a degree?Without enough charm, how can you find your ideal lover?How can you be loved if you are not cute?In fact, although these "reasons" come from life and "mainstream" values, he only uses these values ​​to serve his own pathological requirements.In fact, whether you can make friends does not depend on whether you are cheerful; whether you have masculinity is not completely proportional to whether you are respected; and many unintelligent people succeed, but "smart people" are mistaken by cleverness... So the problem is not one Whether a person has shortcomings or shortcomings, the question is why a person always struggles with his own shortcomings and always competes with himself.It is precisely because you have not achieved your ideal self that you are harsh on yourself. If you do not recognize the pathology of this pursuit, it will be difficult to get out of inferiority complex and self-hatred.The second key point is to accept who you really are.In the chapter "Initial Treatment of Depression", we have spent a lot of space to explain the relationship between thinking and emotion, and also introduced in detail the methods to defeat negative thinking. In fact, all training against negative thinking is aimed at accepting true I.Negative thinking and beliefs are just a denial of the true self caused by an idealized self, so we must stop this self-denial and accept the true self.For example, when you think you are a loser because of failure, try to tell yourself gently: there is no one who can always succeed in this world; when you are rejected and denied by others, tell yourself firmly: this is reality, People can be affirmed by everyone; when you are not perfect, you should calmly say to yourself: perfection is just a self-deceiving fantasy, you must give up the fantasy and return to reality, reality is not perfect, do not deny the reality in reality because of fantasy Myself...Because of the inner war, the patient dares neither to face the reality nor to face the true self.Therefore, he has been living in a false world, and therefore tries his best to escape from reality, after all, reality will only destroy his fantasy.But if you dare not face the reality, if you dare not live the truth, you will never be able to get rid of this invisible shackle, and you will never be able to find your true self.

Reality: Dare to face and no longer escape
When a person falls into the fantasy of an idealized self, he will unconsciously escape from reality and himself in reality.In fact, deliberately performing well and trying to show a perfect self is also an implicit escape, because he can't face the original self and dare not let others discover the real him.When the social mainstream emphasizes cheerfulness, he will try to talk more; when the social fashion is mature, he will pretend to be deep; When it looks like what you want, you will choose to escape, and avoiding is always "safer" than facing it directly.After all, when the real him is exposed to reality, the torrent of reality will impact the image of his "perfect self" in his fantasy.A patient told me that the symptoms were a mockery of his boasting.So in order to escape the "sarcasm" in reality, some people would rather not work, not fall in love, not make friends, and even find many reasons to prove how "wise" their behavior is.In addition to the avoidance methods discussed above, avoidance can sometimes manifest itself in the form of procrastination and laziness.Some patients dare not work hard, because even if they fail, they can still find a way for themselves: it’s not that I can’t do it, it’s that I didn’t try my best.For other patients, because it is difficult for him to achieve the "should" in his heart, he has to procrastinate and be lazy, because he has faced the reality directly, and he can no longer deceive himself.

A male patient studied very well since he was a child. It can be said that everything went smoothly, and he was admitted to a key university with excellent grades.In the first semester of university, he didn't study hard like in high school, and he was more relaxed.But in the second semester, when he was still studying in this state, he failed two courses.Afterwards, his family members were very worried and always called him to urge him to study hard, but he was like a cow that was not full, always struggling.As a result, he passed more and more subjects in his sophomore year. Although his parents had communicated with the teacher that he would be allowed to pass as long as he filled the papers, and the teacher had to draw test points for him before the exam, he didn’t even have the teacher’s test paper. They didn't answer the phone.Therefore, he has to face the danger of relegation, and he is also very afraid of this, but he seems to be a person who is dissociated from life, as if all this is someone else's business, he is still unhurried, unable to complete the most basic tasks. of coursework.In the end, he was relegated.It stands to reason that he should know to work hard at this time. After all, he is not a lazy person. If he does not like to study, or if he is a lazy person, he will not be admitted to a key university.After being relegated, he was still leisurely, so he failed a lot of subjects. Although he is an ambitious person-he fantasized about living an extraordinary life since he was a child, hoping that he could continue to succeed and live a continuous life. changing life.So he doesn't like to be like others, buy a house, start a family...but his ambition and his behavior are extremely mismatched.

Later, after analysis, it was found that he had evasive behavior in the past. Once he failed to do something well, he would stop doing it. Only when he did well all the time would he stick to it.For example, he didn't play well in the past, so he stopped playing.But this time he encountered learning, so he fell into a kind of entanglement that he couldn't escape, but he couldn't face.Therefore, his "laziness" is nothing more than a kind of escape - escape from the consequences of failure and the reality of being surpassed.By escaping reality, he can continue to maintain his ego.

Those with pathological conceit choose to escape because they are afraid of damage to their self-esteem, while those with pathological low self-esteem are afraid to face their true selves.But the pathologically conceited person is a bit lucky, because he can always find various reasons to justify his escape and failure, so as to maintain the illusion of idealized self.However, the pathological inferiority complex is not so lucky, because when he escapes or fails, he can hardly find an excuse to excuse himself, so he will become more inferior and self-hateful.Therefore, a person with pathological low self-esteem is more likely to despair, and despair comes from his failure to achieve his "should".

The spirit of "knowing that there are tigers in the mountains, but walking towards the tigers" is the "must pass" for any treatment method.Face what you fear, face what you run from.Because escaping can only strengthen fear, but will not truly eliminate the fear in the heart, and only by facing reality can we bring hope and break the shackles of self-esteem in our hearts.Many people give up their freedom and the life that really belongs to them in order to maintain the fantasy of their idealized self.Because he is too afraid of failure, too afraid of being rejected by others, too afraid of discovering his inferiority, too afraid of harm and uncertainty, so he would rather choose to live in fantasy than face the real self and life.But only by letting the torrent of reality rush into the fantasy castle, can we overthrow this autocratic rule, gain real freedom, and truly abandon the idealized self and return to the real self.Without the role of reality, all this cannot be achieved, or reality is an important medium to promote change.Although patients will experience strong anxiety and fear when facing the reality, historical changes, progress and changes are not all smooth, and the same is true for treatment.Overthrowing the rule of the idealized self and the tyranny of the "devil" also requires "bloodshed", and this is precisely reflected in the tension, anxiety, fear and anxiety when facing reality.In fact, these negative emotions are not used to escape, but need to be faced.This is like a revolution, the more severely suppressed it is, the more it needs to resist to the death.

Some people will say: "I have faced it, and I have not escaped, but I am still bound by fear and anxiety, and my mood has not improved fundamentally." What kind of requirements are put forward for yourself-do you ask yourself to be the center of interpersonal relationships?Do you demand perfection from yourself?Do you ask yourself to be popular?Are you asking for an absolute sense of security?Or do you demand that you outdo everyone?To face is to face, don't expect to achieve the "pursuit" in your heart through "face"!After all, an ordinary person does not behave well all the time, is popular with everyone, and cannot live in a world of absolute safety.Only when you give up all kinds of pathological pursuits in your heart, can the negative emotions gradually decrease.

Sometimes, some people face it, but they have an attitude of "conquering" in their hearts - he expects to correct his "shortcomings" through "facing", so that he can get everyone's attention, and he can get rid of The shackles of human limitations.When he doesn't "overcome" reality, he will choose to escape, and he doesn't even have the courage to "face".A patient who is afraid of speaking in public, he has faced it, and he has dealt with it thoroughly.In order to get rid of the fear of speaking, he even ran to the bus to give a speech, and held a personal speech meeting to help others overcome the fear of speaking. In fact, his behavior suggested that he did not accept that he would be nervous, fearful, and deficient. Reality.And he just gets rid of his own "shortcomings" by "facing".Presumably this effort must fail, after all, he cannot escape reality.Moreover, for people who are afraid of bad things happening to them (such as fear of illness, fear of fainting, fear of panic attacks, fear of death, fear of breaking the law, etc.), either choose to escape, or face it is just thinking Proving that bad things won't happen to him, his ego has made him unable to face the reality that everyone lives in "uncertainty", he tries to "escape" or "face" for himself The morbid demand for a safe, secure, perfect world is clearly going nowhere.Because the fault lies not in "facing", but in his pathological pursuit. If he does not give up this pathological pursuit, he will never be able to understand the essence of "facing": facing what he needs to face is a way of life. responsibility, not a means to pathological demands.

And, some people also distort "face the reality."For example, although he did not avoid the crowd, he would try his best to perform his "perfect self" to win the affirmation of others, so he was no longer the real him.So this kind of "performance" is also an expression of escapism, an effort to escape from the real self.This kind of "face" has been divorced from the essence of facing reality, because the essence of facing reality is manifested in two aspects: facing the real life and living out the real self.Therefore, acting perfect yourself is not facing the real world.After all, in the real world, it is impossible to be affirmed by everyone, and no one will be perfect.

No matter how cruel the reality is, how "failed" our true self is, we cannot escape; no matter how perfect our ideal self is, we need to abandon it instead of continuing to stick to it or pursue it.The more you stick to or pursue it, the more you will lose your true self.A sentence I often tell my patients is: "Know your own half and catty."It means knowing who you are!Since you are a human being, why do you make demands on yourself from God?I remember a patient was envious of someone who was cheerful; someone had a high degree of education; When swapping with a specific person, such as colleague A or friend B.His answer was: no.Because he only worships a certain point of the other party, not the whole person, so even if he becomes that person, he will never be satisfied with himself.

Although escaping can make us feel better for a while, we don’t have to face our “failed” selves for a while, and we can continue to maintain the illusion of an idealized self, but in the long run, escaping is not a good solution. The problem is made worse, rather than helping to end the inner war.People can't escape reality, and facing it is an important step in healing!If you don't even have the courage to face reality, you will never be able to stop the war between the two selves.When a person can face reality, he is one step closer to his true self.But remember: Facing is not a means of maintaining self-confidence, but only a basic responsibility of being a human being.

Stop "acting" and live out your true self

When a person is driven by a pathological ego to live within the illusion of an idealized self, there is a fear of showing who they really are and facing real life.He can't tolerate any failure, and he dare not expose any shortcomings. He will try his best to be perfect in front of others, and will desperately blame and deny himself when his performance is not good.

(End of this chapter)