Out of Depression: A Depressed Patient's Successful Self-Help

Chapter 26 In-depth analysis of depression (9)
Fearful of disapproval from others, patients try to do things as well as they can.In an effort to appear noble, he will be "forgiving," even at the expense of his personal interests.He will also show a lofty sense of morality. Even if he falls in love and does not get married in the end, he will be regarded as playing with the opposite sex, and he will feel obscene when watching adult movies.On the surface, it seems that he is successful or others think he is a good person, but his life is not easy, and even painful. He has paid a lot in order to perform well all the time and leave a good impression on others. Too much—he gave his freedom, his love of life itself, his time, and his constant anxiety.Because he can't be successful, great, and perfect all the time, and yet he tries to be perfect all the time, he keeps pushing himself to accomplish a task that is simply impossible.A female patient, she always deliberately keeps close to the people around her in her life, because in this way others will not feel that she is an unwelcome person.So she makes friends not because she likes each other, but because she is afraid of being denied by others, so friends are just an accessory for her to prove that she is a "normal person".Therefore, she dared not say or do wrong things in her life, and lived in nervousness every day.When walking, she dared not hold her head up, because she was afraid of other people's attention, afraid that others would find her nervous and unnatural.Sometimes, she also wants to walk with her head up, but she is worried that others will think that she is different from before, and that she is pretending.She is more nervous around people who are better than her in some way, so she always tries to "smack her face and pretend to be fat" to prove that she is not bad.Even in the consulting room, she couldn't let go, she didn't dare to speak her mind, and she was afraid that it would affect her image in my eyes... Only when she was alone, she could take off the "mask", so life was very important to her. Words have become a heavy burden.It is precisely because of her "pursuit" - to surpass everyone and win everyone's approval, so it is difficult for her to accept her shortcomings such as blushing, nervous, not talkative, trembling hands, stuttering, etc., anything that hinders her "pursuit" would terrify her.

Therefore, patients often use drinking to cover up blushing, pretending to be calm to cover up nervousness, talking more to cover up clumsy mouth, and evading to cover up stuttering and hand tremors... But, the more you cover up, the more cautious you are; the more fearful you are, the more nervous you are .In the end, she could only choose to stay away from the crowd and avoid social interaction.

Patients are "performing" every day - the pathological conceit is to maintain the illusion of being a "god", while the pathological inferiority is to transform the real self and paranoidly pursue the idealized self.Although there are superficial differences, there are striking similarities in "performance".They all try to be perfect, to do a great job.

A male patient, when he took a nap, always faced the wall and covered his head with a quilt, because he was afraid that others would see that his expression in his sleep was not perfect.He has never dared to take pictures or make videos on the Internet. If he can't show his "most beautiful side" in front of others, he will choose to escape.Sometimes in order to maintain the good image that he has worked so hard to create, he will also hide his deepest thoughts and seldom talk to others because he is afraid that others will discover the real him.He performs all day long, hiding his "ears" and "tail" as a "donkey".Although very tired, he was driven by his own desires and could not extricate himself.

A person with pathological inferiority complex will experience a sense of camouflage more, because he always tries to do it perfectly, but he can't do it all the time. Occasionally, he starts to worry that others will find that he is just pretending.So the pain and struggle in his heart became more intense.In order to make others think of him, he will try his best to express himself, but he easily becomes anxious, because he is worried that others will find out that the real him is not as good as he is, and he is worried that others will see through him.Sometimes, because he is too self-deprecating, even if it is what he has worked hard to obtain, even if it is his own ability, he will feel that it is not worth mentioning.Even if others think he is cute, beautiful, capable, and successful, he will not believe it. In fact, his "subtext" is: I think I am a pig, then everyone will see me as a pig. If I see a person, then someone else must be deceiving me.In fact, his self-deprecation comes from the comparison with his idealized self, not that he is really so bad.Moreover, it is not that others are deceiving him, but that he has been blinding himself with an idealized self-image.

An experience of a female patient left a deep impression on me: Once she went on a blind date and found that the man was very good. After returning home, she asked her father: "He is so good, why do you need to find a wife?" Of course, her father It was strange why she would ask such a question, and explain to her the simple truth that men always need women.She would ask this question, and her real intention is: since a person has reached the perfection she expected, he can handle everything, face everything, and solve everything. Life, isn't it superfluous?
This reflects two problems. First, she beautifies her ideal self too much; second, she devalues ​​her real self too much.It's as if everything will go well if you achieve your ideal self, and you can solve all the problems in life alone.In reality, I can only live by relying on others, and I have value only when I get the affirmation of others.Because she belittles her real self too much, but lives in the shell of this real self, even if someone falls in love with her, she will not feel happy, and will only experience more anxiety-she is afraid that the other party will find her one day Originally a person who was not cute and not worthy of love, then he would abandon her and leave her.So when she talks, she will try her best to guess other people's preferences, and try her best to say what others like to hear, as if she wants to play herself as a "confidant sister".So she has almost no personality of her own, as if her own ideas are unimportant, and other people's ideas and needs are the most important.But the result of this is that she is less and less able to experience happiness in interpersonal communication, and her life is becoming more and more unreal.When her friends get closer to others, she will worry about whether her friends don't like her, and then she will doubt herself, worrying about whether she is not doing well.So she is caught in the contradiction of being afraid of being alone, but also afraid of crowds.

The more you hate your real self, the more you will beautify your idealized self, and the hatred of your real self is directly proportional to the beautification of your idealized self.Therefore, it is not surprising that she asked "he is so good, why does he need to find a wife?"

The pathologically conceited person experiences less pretense than anxiety—the worry that he will not be able to perform to his ability, to achieve what he thinks he can achieve.So, he's performing all day without knowing it, and anything that might reveal his imperfections makes him jittery.For example, when he made a few jokes while drinking a lot of alcohol, he would still be nervous and anxious afterwards, worrying that others would take it to heart, because such "extraordinary" words and deeds were not tolerated by his "saint"-like standards of conduct .A pathologically conceited person is a much harder actor. In order to defend his self-identity as a "superman", he needs to present himself as perfect all the time.He is vain and miserable at the same time, because his ego cannot overcome anxiety; his arrogance cannot overcome fear; his fantasies cannot escape reality.When he is too obsessed with the fantasy of a perfect self, and when he regards this fantasy as reality, the tragedy is staged little by little.Because he "performs" hard and ignores life itself, even if he has some specialties and talents, he will be buried by this "pursuit" because his abilities and energy are scattered on some insignificant things , even for some trivial matters, he will force himself to do what he "should" in his heart.If he is lucky enough to achieve good results in business or politics, it is equally sad to be admired by others, because in order to maintain this superiority, in order to achieve his inner "should", he will rarely experience The little joys of life itself, such as the intimate happiness among friends and the warmth of having loved ones by your side.I remember a patient who was nervous around his mother, worried that his mother would discover his imperfections.Using a farmer as a metaphor, he seldom experiences the joy of watching the crops he planted grow day by day, but is more concerned about whether my harvest is the most and whether my income is the highest.Because he can only find elements of pretentiousness in the results.

The key to treatment is to stop the war between the two selves first, and then stop evading, live authentically, and stop pretending.Because all pretense is a kind of self-deception, all cover-up is a kind of evasion, what is escaping is reality, and what is lost will be the true self.If you're not a talkative person, why push yourself to talk more?If you are upset with some people, why do you have to smile all over your face?If you are not a very strong person, why do you want to be strong on purpose?If you have something to say in a crowd, why be afraid of saying the wrong thing and just be an audience?If you are an honest or gentle person, why can't you live your true colors?
Some people may ask: Actually, I don't even know what my real self is like, how can I live a real life?In fact, this reflects that after suppressing the real self for too long, it has become difficult for him to distinguish the real self from the false self.Get rid of the "false" to preserve the "truth" - when we no longer fight for honor, when we no longer deliberately perform perfectly, when we no longer be a "holy" and "perfect" person, the true self will slowly emerge.Only then can we do things naturally and relaxedly, and be human instead of being forced.

Pure Hearts: No Longer Live for Honor
When a person falls into the fantasy of an idealized self, he will lose his true self and his pure heart.At this time, everything he pursues has been separated from the needs of the real self, and is only to meet the expectations of the idealized self.He engages in a certain profession, not because of his love for the profession itself, but because this kind of profession can have higher income and bring him more face; he likes someone and tries hard to be with him A friend or a lover may not come from the love for the person itself, but that the person is "shining" enough.I remember a male patient who kept pursuing some beautiful and attractive girls, and finally he told me: not because of love, but just a kind of self-proof, as if being able to conquer them means his "Kung Fu" amazing.Another patient only chooses a career that can earn more money, not because he is good at or likes it, but just to prove that he is more capable than others.

If you do something or love someone just to prove that you stand out from the crowd, because of the lack of genuine love for something or someone, then this kind of "motivated" effort can easily fail.Even if he achieves some kind of success, he will not get the real happiness in his heart, but failure can deal him a devastating blow.Because there are always better and more successful ones, success can only bring him short-term pleasure.He has to continue to seek the result of "success", and staying in the process cannot satisfy him. Only the continuous pursuit of success can prove how "great" he is.His life seems to be constantly "struggling", just like "Kuafu chasing the sun".But he will end up with nothing but a "tragic" figure - even if he catches up with the "sun", he will be melted by the "sun"; Happiness; even if he finds a beautiful woman (of course, a perfect man for women), it may not be true that he will have true love; even if he can behave perfect in front of others, he is still an imperfect ordinary person.The root of this "tragedy" is that he has been pursuing an unrealized fantasy that always exists in his heart: one day, I will be perfect and great.So his pretentiousness does not come from reality, but from fantasy, and he is so great in the fantasy world.So he is afraid of reality, because reality will always expose his ego.

The heart of innocence is that we have to live authentically, and not allow the whole person to be driven by morbid ego to pursue things that we don't really like or need.A male patient in his early 20s dropped out of high school because his family was better off and he wanted to go to college.When I asked him why he must go to college, he said: "After going to college, you can buy luxury cars, find beautiful women, and make everyone envy you."When I asked: "If you don't find beautiful women and don't get the admiration of others, do you still want to go to college?" He said: "If so, college is a prison, and I can only spend four years." He reconsiders his choices.If you go to college to pursue a sense of superiority, to gain the admiration of others, to prove that you are better than others, then this university is not as good as not to go to this university, because the motivation is not pure, and it is still to satisfy the needs of ego and not the real self need.After all, if a person really likes to do something, it doesn't matter even if he doesn't have beautiful women, even if he doesn't get the admiration of others, because doing this thing itself is happiness.True happiness comes from doing what you like, loving the people you like, even if you are not better than others, even if you don’t become different, you are still happy-happiness comes from the satisfaction of doing what you like, rather than a sense of superiority over others.

Giving up on maintaining or pursuing an idealized self can sometimes leave patients with a sense of not knowing who they are and where they are headed.This is a natural situation in the process of giving up pathological pursuits. At this time, we can find something interesting to do around us instead of forcing ourselves to do something.If, in the past, you always felt that you were not perfect enough in terms of love, and you hoped to find it when you were "perfect", then look for it now, and don't continue to procrastinate, because the perfection you expected does not exist in the first place.If you have been looking for "Prince Charming" or "Snow White" before, then forget about this "ideal type" of love and find an ordinary lover. After all, you are just an ordinary person, why do you have to find one? The perfect companion.The same is true in terms of work. If you have been looking for a job that can "make money" or "have face" before, then find an ordinary job that you are interested in now; Because of their "not good enough", and hide yourself.And in the choice of friends, don't continue to look for those who think they are "shiny" to be friends (of course, some people will also 'unconsciously' find some people who are not as good as themselves to be friends).Talking about friends is just talking about feelings, don't use too many conditions to limit, otherwise you can only end up "not getting high, not getting low", and you can only "taste" loneliness alone.

(End of this chapter)