Out of Depression: A Depressed Patient's Successful Self-Help

Chapter 27 In-depth analysis of depression (10)
Struggle is a word respected by our era.While many people struggle, the meaning varies greatly.In fact, the real struggle is for self-actualization, not driven by pathological ego.Self-realization is to strive to realize one's potential on the basis of the needs of the true self, and to be able to get along with others and the world with real emotions, instead of forcing oneself to "you must be perfect" because of fear or anxiety.At this time, he loves someone not because of how rich the other person is, nor because of how perfect the other person is; he only does a job with enthusiasm from the heart, not for showing off; To leave a perfect impression on others.In short, he lived a real, sincere and natural life.Although he is not good enough or rich enough, his happiness comes from his ability to accept his true self.I remember that in one treatment, I made a joke with the patient: "If others think that eating 'dead rat meat' is a man, then you will definitely force yourself to eat it, although there is still 'beef' and 'mutton' on the table. ''Chicken', you won't be interested, because eating these meats won't make others look up to you. Although 'dead rat meat' is very bad, you will force yourself to eat it, just to satisfy the needs of ego" .He said: "Actually, I like playing table tennis, but now I practice basketball every day to prove that I am a 'man'." Finally I told him: "It's the same in life, find your 'table tennis', not Blindly proving yourself to be a 'man'."

Therefore, ask yourself what you really need, listen to your inner voice, and don't be driven by pathological conceit, as if you signed a "devil's agreement" and are constantly driven out by the "devil".Because the idealized self exists only in fantasy, the devil will never keep his promises, and you will eventually become his slave.This picture is desolate and sad. The donkey, driven by the devil, runs faster and faster. It looks like it runs like a horse, but the donkey has lost a lot because of it.He cannot relax like other donkeys, bray like other donkeys, eat his favorite grass like other donkeys, or communicate sincerely like other donkeys.Because it is driven by the devil all the time, even if it is sincere in nature, it has to hide it; even if it has its own needs and desires, it can only keep suppressing them.Slowly, it almost forgot who it was and what its real needs were.

It's better to be a real donkey than pretend to be a horse.One day, you don't have to hide your "squeak", you don't have to hide your "ugliness", and you don't have to force yourself to walk "elegantly" in order to pretend to be "a horse"... Then you are Real yourself, then you can have a pure heart.

Changes in "Strategic Approach"
Many people who come to therapy are eager to get rid of symptoms such as low mood, blushing, stuttering, introversion, fear, anxiety, and any problems that they don't want to have.But there is a good saying that "problems exist because they are solved".Sometimes, it is just being too obsessed with "symptoms" that makes "symptoms" become symptoms.

I remember many patients talking to me about how they would be without depression, how they would be without shortcomings, how popular they would be if they were no longer nervous.I had similar fantasies when I was in depression.Later, I finally realized that the problem was not depression, but that I had always regarded depression as a barrier from being able to achieve my idealized self, so I fell into the vortex I created.A male patient, he was very afraid of being hurt by others, even when others looked at him twice, or spit into the ground, he was terrified and uneasy.In order not to be hurt by others, he will unconsciously act strong in life, and will stare with angry eyes at those who have "hurt" him, or who may "hurt" him.Therefore, he lives in anxiety and anger all day long.Later, he told me that the real change began when he realized that the problem was not his vulnerability but why he was so sensitive and started looking for the reasons for his fear of being hurt.

Therefore, when we pay too much attention to the symptoms, we ignore the essence of the problem; when we are eager to eliminate the symptoms, we lose the possibility of self-understanding.Some patients who came to seek treatment were very concerned about the symptoms themselves and were eager to find ways to eliminate them, but they did not reflect on: why they are worried when others are not worried; why they are afraid when others are not afraid; why others do not pay attention , I will pay attention to it; why others are not sensitive, I will be sensitive; why others are not inferior, but I will be inferior... In fact, the symptoms are just like drug dealers on the street. A good police detective needs to bring them to justice However, good police detectives also know the principle of "going long and catching big fish". They often start from some subtle clues to find the real culprit behind the scenes.Otherwise, if a small drug dealer is caught today, a new batch will come out tomorrow.

A female patient, when she was in high school, her mother said to her: "Why don't you look at people with your eyes?" Since then, she has been very concerned about her eyes, fearing that others will find that there is something wrong with her eyes.After joining the work, the kindness of the colleagues around her dispelled her worries.After that, she began to worry about whether her smile was normal, and she was afraid that she would have a "bitter face" when she smiled, so when she had dinner with her colleagues, she was the most frightened, because she was afraid that her colleagues would find her "bitter face" ", thought she was stingy and afraid of spending money.Another male patient, because of a panic attack experience, was extremely afraid of death and fainting, afraid of everything that would affect his health, and quit smoking as quickly as possible, and then stayed away from those friends who smoked.He thought that if he could do all these things, he would be safe, but one day in the hospital, he heard someone say: Anxious people can become mentally ill.After that, he was no longer afraid of death, and began to fear that he would go crazy... The transfer of symptoms indicated that the root of the problem had not been found and the problem had not been solved, so we need to think further: why are we trapped by the "symptoms".If you just want to eliminate temporary symptoms, then there will always be new problems.

A change in strategic approach: We need to shift from focusing on symptoms to thinking about the causes of symptoms.In fact, symptoms are only an appearance of the problem, and more important "content" is implied in it.

A female patient feared fainting, death, and sleep.The reason for her fear of sleep is that sleep is an unconscious state and she is afraid of losing control of herself.Her motivation for coming to therapy was for me to help her with these "symptoms."But if therapy stops at addressing the superficial fear, it will be of no avail.Sleeping, fainting, and death are all things beyond our control. Why is she so afraid of such uncontrollable events?Why don't others worry about the issues she worries about?Why can't she face the uncertainty of life?These are a doubtful point that we need to think about.

Logically, we can know that when a person is extremely afraid of uncertainty, it actually reflects her desire to control everything in her own hands.It is the reality that cannot satisfy her need to control everything and stay away from all "bad things", so she is afraid of reality and the "one in ten thousand" possibility.From this we can find that she has been trying to pursue a sense of absolute security, but in reality the absolute security she requires does not exist, so this is a morbid requirement.At this point we need to think further, where does her morbid request come from?Why does she make such "inhuman" demands on herself and her life, and keeps trying to let herself live in a fantasy world of safety?At this point in the analysis, we need to expand from one "point" to the whole "surface" to further understand what kind of person she is and what kind of "pursuit" she has in life.It turned out that she would be anxious when others attended classes, she would feel inferior when others got better academic qualifications, and she would be jealous when others found a good husband, and vowed to find a better one , and, she also dare not have in-depth contacts with others, because then others will understand her, and she will not be able to leave a perfect image for others... From this we will find another pathological requirement of her: to surpass all people, to Make a good impression on everyone.It is precisely because of the existence of this morbid requirement that she pays so much attention to the places where others are better than herself, and only pays attention to the places where she is not as good as others (in fact, her appearance and family background are very good, but she often ignores these good things. place).Although she has become a "leftover woman", she is still picky when it comes to her relationship. Either the other party is not "well-matched" with her, or the other party's "character" is not good enough, or she is not handsome enough... In short, She is almost disappointed with Chinese men, because she can't always meet what she wants.From this, we can infer one thing: it is not that others are not good enough, but that she has too high a vision, so she is disappointed with the men around her, even in China.Putting these morbid demands together, we can form such a picture: she wants all bad things to stay away from herself and live in an absolutely safe world.All uncertainties need to be turned into certainties with her, and all things that cannot be controlled need to be controlled with her.Moreover, she still needs to surpass everyone, integrate everyone's advantages into one body, and leave a good impression on everyone. She also needs to find a man who is perfect enough to be worthy of her.The picture became clearer and clearer. From these "symptoms", we gradually found her needs, and found that her requirements were so "inhuman".So she worries about what "ordinary people" don't worry about; what "ordinary people" are not sensitive to, she is sensitive to; what "ordinary people" can accept, she cannot accept; what "ordinary people" can face, she cannot face.Then we have to continue to reflect on what kind of person she thinks of herself, so she dares to make such "inhuman" demands on herself, and she "dedicates herself" to this.In fact, she didn't really regard herself as a "mortal", so she couldn't face the reality and the world that "mortals" could face.After analyzing this point, we can come to the conclusion: In fact, there is no problem with her sleep, she does not faint or die so easily, nor is she ignorant or failed, the real problem lies in her morbid conceit (simple In other words, it is a kind of "arrogance" based on fantasy), and the resulting pathological requirements to control everything and surpass everything (when a person regards herself as "Monkey King", she even requires herself to be "monkey king" 72 changes", and I don't think this kind of request is too much).Therefore, when she cannot achieve the perfect self and life in her fantasy in reality, "symptoms" will occur.If she does not give up this pathological conceit and pathological demands, then the "symptoms" will not be relieved, and even if they are relieved, they will appear in another form.If the pathological conceit persists, then any problem that is not a problem will become a problem—as long as she encounters things beyond her control, as long as others surpass her in some way, as long as she cannot achieve the perfection she imagined, " Symptoms" will appear.The only real solution is to let go of this morbid conceit, rather than turning the real self into the fantasy "perfect person".If you continue to work hard to remake reality and who you are in reality, driven by your pathological ego, you will never find true happiness and self-confidence.

A male patient has obvious symptoms of social phobia since he was a graduate student. He feels nervous when he sees a leader or a beautiful and cheerful girl, and when he faces some public speaking occasions, and he can also feel a slight twitch in his head. shake.Even at reunions with classmates, he would be very nervous and would feel that he was smiling unnaturally.He never talked about these problems with his friends and lovers, but he would cry secretly by himself at night, and because of this, he had the idea of ​​committing suicide.He came for treatment, of course, he wanted me to help him get rid of these symptoms, and he also hoped that I would tell some "smart" methods, so that he could see the effect immediately.But "treatment" should be done after "knowledge". If you don't get to know him deeply, you won't really understand his symptoms, and the treatment can only stay on the surface.

As the treatment progressed, I gradually learned more about him.His parents had a total of five children. He was the youngest, and his parents were 45 years old when he was born.Since he was a child, his parents loved him very much, and they didn't learn much to discipline him.He still remembers that when he was in elementary school, the teacher asked him to give a speech on stage, but he didn't agree because he was nervous. Since then, he has avoided speaking in public.Not because of disinterest, but because of fear—he was afraid of failure, and also afraid of the way others looked at him when he failed.Since he was a child, his academic performance has always been very good, and he was admitted to a good university during the college entrance examination, but he was not happy because he obeyed the adjustment when filling out the application form, so he enrolled in a major that he didn't like .Later, in order not to return to his hometown to work, he chose to take the postgraduate entrance examination. He had the opportunity to choose a major again, but because he was afraid of failure, he finally gave up the choice.During his postgraduate period, he had a relatively relaxed life, but when he was about to graduate, because he wanted to join the party, he became nervous and sweated when he introduced himself in public. He thought it was embarrassing, so he was even more afraid of speaking in public.Although he has been trying to downplay this problem in the following years, it is still a hurdle in his heart.Later, at a classmate’s wedding ceremony, when everyone laughed heartily, he suddenly realized that his smile was not good-looking, and then he became sensitive to smiles, fearing that others would think he was smiling unnaturally.

Not only is he sensitive to his performance in front of others, but he also has high standards for doing things, such as cleaning, he must clean it spotlessly, not letting any dust go.And he is "serious" in the education of his children, and he will not tolerate any bad things in the children, and will beat the children if they make a small mistake.During the holidays, if he played games for two days and did not delve into his work, he would feel guilty and blame himself for it.When he was giving lectures to others, he would be anxious for a long time just because he did not nod to the audience before the lecture... In short, he should not have any flaws or imperfections in his work. He has been anxious for a long time.

He is very afraid of feeling inferior. Even if he asks the elders for help in order to solve the problem of children's schooling, he is afraid, because asking for help seems inferior.And when he gets the affirmation and praise of others, he will be elated.The better the relationship between the people around him and him, the less he can see that others are better than himself.Even if he buys a car, he has to compare it with others, and he must buy a better one than those around him.In fact, he also realized that something was wrong with what he did, but he just couldn't give up, because he was afraid of becoming "degenerate" and losing "pursuit".

When he was a child, he often dreamed that he was being chased or fell from a height, and then he woke up from panic.He also dreamed that some of them could fly, and in the dream he could fly with the flap of his hands.He also has some fantasies in life, such as being very relaxed and calm in the crowd, and his performance and state are also very good.Sometimes, he also fantasizes about himself becoming a great figure, such as Einstein whom he admires.

So far, we can summarize some rules: he is afraid of being surpassed by others, afraid of others discovering his imperfections, so he will try to make things perfect, not out of love for things themselves, but out of fear of being surpassed. Fear of being surpassed by others and being slighted.Moreover, even with the closest people, he will disguise himself very well, and he does not want others to discover his "flaws" and "vulnerability".His dreams and fantasies reflect his "needs" and "pursuits": Fan Fan flies up and becomes a great person.

(End of this chapter)