Out of Depression: A Depressed Patient's Successful Self-Help

Chapter 28 In-depth analysis of depression (11)
At this time, we can roughly understand his symptoms.In fact, his nervousness in front of others comes from his fear of being discovered by others.His symptoms are just a "blocker" in his "pursuit", not how bad it really is.His extraordinary "seriousness" in doing things is just a compulsive effort to outdo others... So, the real problem is not how bad he is in front of people, but the pathological demands deep inside him.It is precisely because he has been trying to be perfect in front of others, and it is because he has been trying to surpass everyone, that is why he cannot accept his own imperfections and face his inferiority.Anything that hinders his "pursuit" will frighten him, and anything that fails to meet his expectations of perfection will become a symptom.Therefore, only by giving up the morbid pursuit in his heart, can he accept the "symptoms" and live a real life.

It seems that we can "close the case", but there is another detail that deserves our attention: the patient can also realize that something is wrong with what he did, but he just can't give up, because he is afraid that he will become "degenerate" and have no "pursuit" .In fact, he also realized the irrationality of his pursuit, and realized that only by giving up this pursuit can he live peacefully, but he just couldn't give up his "greed".At this time, we need to further think about the source of these pathological pursuits, why he has been "persevering" in making such "inhuman" demands on himself.In the previous case, we talked about that when a person regards himself as "Monkey King", he will not feel that it is too much to ask himself to be able to "72 changes", so when a person regards himself as "Superman", it is also natural. Earth will demand perfection and surpass all others. This pursuit is very legitimate.It can be seen that pathological pursuits and demands arise from pathological conceit.When a person is extremely arrogant and regards this self-inflated fantasy as a reality, he will ignore the objective reality and the limitations of human beings, and then put forward various "non-human" requirements for himself.So far, we know that he can't give up his morbid pursuit because he doesn't want to give up his conceited fantasy, he doesn't want to "degenerate" to be like the "mortals" of the people around him, and he doesn't want to face that he is just "a person" reality... So the "real culprit" is not a visible "symptom", but his idealized self.It is because he regards his fantasy self as his real self, and requires his real self to achieve what he imagined in all aspects, that he is so obsessed with his own shortcomings and mistakes.The entanglement with the symptoms reflects his inner struggle - the war between the idealized self and the real self.

From these two cases, we will find that the symptom is only an appearance, so we cannot blindly find ways to overcome it.We have to reflect on why we regard all these as symptoms.When we try to understand ourselves, understand our needs, and thus discover what kind of person we are in our hearts, we can truly understand and accept symptoms and become a real and real person.

"Knowing" is not the same as "understanding"

The "reason" mentioned above is not difficult to understand, but the difficulty is to truly enter a person's "heart". "Knowing" does not mean real "comprehension". "Knowing" only stays at the level of reason, while "comprehension" will reach the depths of the heart to affect a person's inner drive.Some patients always say in treatment: "I know everything, but I just can't do it".In fact, he just "knows", and "knowing" is not enough to make a person give up fantasy.He must understand what his pathological requirements are, how these pathological requirements affect his life, and where these pathological requirements come from, so as to clearly understand what kind of person he is.Only when "knowing" becomes a kind of "understanding", and a profound "understanding" is produced due to "understanding", will one sincerely give up illusions.Only at this time can there be a deep change from "quantitative change" to "qualitative change"-truly abandoning the idealized self and pathological conceit, and finally returning to the true self.

A person may "understand" the importance of giving up his morbid conceit and idealized self, and "know" that he cannot be as perfect as a god, but he will continue to cover up his shortcomings and act like a god. Flawless.Although he "knows" that he cannot always be noticed by others, he will still go out of his way to attract others' attention.Although he "knows" that he cannot escape death and all insecurities, he will still try to create an absolutely safe world for himself.Although he "knows" that he can't surpass everyone, he still feels anxious when he meets someone who is better than him.Although he "knows" that his ideal friend or partner does not exist, he is still unwilling to give up the pursuit of this "ideal type"...so everything remains the same, although he "understands" in his mouth, he still has no idea in his heart. Substantial change.A person's reason is sometimes out of touch with his inner drive.It's like a person who knows that he should not continue in a wrong relationship, but he will still be entangled with the other party in action.In this sense, we need to turn "knowledge" into real "comprehension", otherwise everything is just talk on paper.

For the pathologically conceited, the first thing to do is to discover the pathological demands that emanate from the conceit, and realize that this conceit does not come from reality, but from fantasy.Only in this way can we slowly give up all the efforts to maintain the morbid conceit.Therefore, we need to gradually understand this "strange self" in the bits and pieces of our lives.For example, if we want to understand China, we must not only pay attention to first-tier cities such as Beijing, Shanghai, and Guangzhou, but also go deep into economically underdeveloped areas; Have a more comprehensive understanding of China.The same is true for treating ourselves. When we treat ourselves, we must first understand ourselves. If we don’t really understand ourselves, we can’t turn "knowing" into a deep "perception".A patient who has fear in interpersonal communication cannot just focus on his own tension and anxiety in interpersonal communication, nor can he only focus on his own shortcomings and inadequacies.There are still many parts in life that require him to understand himself, such as whether he is sometimes too picky and demanding of others?Do you strive to be perfect in every way?Do you demand special respect from others?Are you extremely sensitive to other people's opinions and afraid of others' negation?Have you become too selfless in order to play the "good guy"?Do you focus only on results in order to feel superior to others?Or are you afraid to take risks for fear of failure?In addition to inferiority complex, is there still a vague sense of superiority in my heart?What kind of picture will be formed by putting these "puzzle pieces" together?In fact, this picture reflects your "pursuit" and "need", and the collection of so many "shoulds" reflects what kind of person you are.The more you know about yourself, the deeper your understanding will be, and you will not continue to fall into self-deceiving fantasies.

A male patient, in interpersonal communication is very worried that he will blush (of course, blush is only a symbol - a symbol of his imperfection. So here can be replaced by any place that makes the patient feel uneasy, such as head shaking, Stuttering, trembling voice, nervousness, unnatural eyesight, peripheral vision, short stature, poor figure, dark skin, farting sound, shortness of breath, seeing or thinking of the sensitive parts of the opposite sex, bad walk... as long as it doesn't match his heart Every "should" will make him fearful and disturbed), and thus withdraw from social interaction.After further understanding, he found that he was not only worried about blushing, but also worried that his hands would shake on the wine table; when he made a slip of the tongue (such as calling Mr. Li instead of Mr. Zhang), he would also worry about it for a few days; After losing a few fingers, he has been "unconsciously" hiding his hands in his later life; if someone does not respect him enough, he will fly into a rage... Apart from these "bad" aspects, he thinks I also have many "excellent" qualities.For example, he is very loyal, has a strict mouth, never gossips, keeps his promises, is never late for appointments, and his career is also very successful. Apart from work, he has almost no other hobbies.To put it simply, he became a workaholic... From which we can find a certain pattern - he has been avoiding the possibility of being denied by others, and strives to be a "good person", or in other words, he has been trying to get rid of all shortcomings, and only Let others discover his "sparkling point".Of course, everyone has a tendency to beautify themselves, but they will not feel uneasy because their shortcomings are discovered by others, nor will they always "sacrifice themselves for others" in order to win others' praise.So all his behaviors and efforts are just to maintain a perfect image, just to maintain a morbid conceit.It is precisely because he has been driven by ego drives that he cannot face his own inferiority, his limitations as a human being.So the problem is not his shortcomings, but his ego can't tolerate his shortcomings being exposed to others.If he wants to reach the comprehension stage, he needs to go through the following processes: first step, he needs to be clear that blushing is not a problem, the problem is why he regards blushing as a problem; second step, he needs to further understand himself, focusing on symptoms Expand to the whole life, and then discover the existence of more pathological requirements; the third step, put together various "puzzle pieces" together, and discover the existence of idealized self and pathological conceit; the fourth step, reflect on whether the pathological conceit is realistic, and Realize that only by giving up the pursuit and defense of the idealized self can one obtain "liberation"; the fifth step is from "partial victory" to "national liberation".When giving up the concern and fear of blushing, this is only the liberation of "Nanjing". Are other "lands" still occupied by morbid self-esteem?Are you still obsessed with pursuing honors in other aspects of life, while ignoring the simple and little joys in life?If so, you need to continue to expand your gains and continue to discover and "liberate" the self that is bound by the pathological ego.Of course, the division of the above five steps is only for the convenience of description, not necessary.

Even after completing the above five steps, many patients still cannot recover, or in the "liberation" link, they still say that they cannot do it.In fact, it's not that I can't do it, but whether I want to or not.This defense of morbid conceit is an "addiction", and this morbid life pattern and pursuit have become part of his life, just like the addiction to nicotine, this need has become an "instinct". ".When a person has indulged in the fantasies of self-importance long enough, the fantasies will be regarded as reality, and it is of course difficult to make him give up "reality".Therefore, many patients would rather choose to "know" rather than "understand".After all, "knowing" will not cause substantial damage to his self-conceited system (or, in other words, the illusion of a perfect self), and real understanding means "an angel fell to the world".Therefore, in terms of treatment, what is really difficult is not the lack of analysis and methods, but the courage and strength to give up morbid fantasies and desires.

Living in fantasy will make people "numb" - the patient will not be aware of his pathological pursuit (even if he points out the irrationality of his pursuit, he will think it is an 'ordinary' requirement, but non-pathological) and feel "strange" about who they want to be

(Although various evidences show that he has been "cultivating Taoism and becoming a fairy", he just doesn't want to admit it).

A male patient, he is afraid that his shortcomings will be discovered by others, he is afraid of things beyond his control (such as snakes, darkness, storms, heights, diseases, etc.), he cannot tolerate disrespect from others, he cannot accept being surpassed by others, I can't accept that I will be hurt by others, and at the same time I am extremely afraid of being denied by others... I said: "If you 'translate' the fear, it means that you must be affirmed by everyone, respected by everyone, perfect, and controlled. Everything and beyond. If you really achieve these 'pursuits', what kind of 'person' will you be?" He smiled and said, "This is a god, not a human being, and it doesn't exist at all!" I Then he said: "Isn't this person you? Isn't this what you have been doing?" He said: "It's not me, I don't regard myself as a god."

His attitude stunned me, as if smiling in the mirror and saying: Who is this person, I don't know him at all.Although he does not admit that he is "cultivating Taoism and becoming a fairy", he forces himself to do things that only gods can do all day long.In fact, this kind of strangeness reflects the "two-faced nature" of people-the "rational self" and the "deep self".Many times people's rationality often knows that some things are not perfect, and there is no absolute safety in this world.But when his imperfections are discovered by others, when he realizes that he is in uncertainty and insecurity, when he encounters failure and has a premonition that he will be rejected by others, the whole person will become abnormal anxiety and fear.When "reason" can't calm himself down, when "reason" can't convince himself, it reflects that he is controlled by the "inner self" at this time, or in other words, the "inner self" is "Commander", not "sane self".Therefore, we need to get to know this "strange" self. Only when we know ourselves can we understand our fears and anxieties, truly understand the existence of our own morbid demands and morbid conceit, and truly realize the "deep self" It is possible to abandon this "inner self" (ideal self) instead of being controlled by it without knowing it and making mistakes again and again.

Some patients can quickly realize the existence of irrational and ego drives in their pursuit, and realize that they have been living in a kind of arrogant fantasy, and also verbally admit the need to give up their ego and treat themselves as ordinary people.But "knowing" didn't set him free.When he can't avoid failure, when he can't solve problems, when he can't control the situation, he will panic.A male patient has always thought that he is a high "god" who can look down on all beings like ants and enjoy himself in this "greatness".So he never thought that bad things would happen to him, as if all "bad luck" belonged to others, and he could be alone.Even when flying, it feels like the plane is being held by a god, and there will be no accidents.Later, his "confidence" was finally broken by his father's death, and he suddenly became very afraid of death, and had a terrible image: he looked at the ants-like mortal beings from a height, and suddenly found himself among them !In the end, he had to realize that he is also a human being, not a god, and he is not immune to all bad luck, including death.But "knowing" did not free him. He would still wake up very early, sweat all over his body, would still be in a state of tension all day long, would still be afraid of anything that would affect his life and health, and would still be in a state of constant anxiety all the time. Thinking of death... The reason is that he only "knows" on the surface, but has not reached the "comprehension" deep in his heart.Therefore, he still cannot accept the reality, and is still working hard to maintain the "myth", fearing that he will become a mortal being like an ant, and fearing that he will also die.In fact, he hasn't given up his conceit yet, he just uses "knowing" to get rid of symptoms, so he still can't really face death.Only by "sincerely" abandoning the morbid conceit, instead of using "knowing" as a means to get rid of symptoms, can we truly free ourselves from death anxiety and truly live.

(End of this chapter)